verb (used without object)
1. to remain inactive or in a state of repose, as until something expected happens (often fol. by for, till, or until): to wait for the bus to arrive.
This has been a year of waiting, dear reader. Constant waiting. I have felt my patience tested to many degrees, and yet I know (and fear) the testing is not over. It is far from over.
I have wrestled with the decision to tell you about the things I am waiting for because prudence tells me I may not be understood and perhaps even mocked. But after another amazing Sunday [full of hope, faith, strength, and purpose], I have decided the risk is worth it because I need to put a voice to my wait list. Or weight list. However you would like to see it.
What I am waiting for:
1. A calling. I have spoken of this before; I want a calling. And not a temporary one that lasts 6 weeks at the most. I have never gone this long (6 months?) without a calling before, so this is new territory for me. However, I recently communicated with another blogger who went almost 2 years without a calling. Two years!? Changes my perspective just a tad, eh? What's 6 months? And chances are, knowing how my life goes, I'll get a calling next week, just because I'm writing about it. My life is nothing if not ironic!
2. Our house. We were going to remodel our house like crazy months ago, but have postponed it indefinitely until we can prudently afford it. However, this hasn't stopped my worried forehead from wrinkling up whenever I see the peeling paint in our master bedroom, the lack of a door on the boys' bedroom, the scuffed up wood flooring, or the old and sweating windows. ~sigh~
3. School. Brandon is (hopefully, hopefully!) going back to school starting in May. I know this is something with an actual date attached to it, so the waiting is not as frustrating, but it's the "weight" of it which causes me stress. Will he get in? And if he does, will I be able to handle the schedule for the next two years?
4. A baby. There. I said it. We want another baby. I didn't want to tell people, because we've only been "trying" for 4 months, and 4 months equates no time at all when in the pursuit of a baby. Add to this the fact that I have no room for despair when compared with friends who have suffered intense second infertility --not to mention other friends who have never been able to conceive. I miscarried last month, you know. It wasn't long enough for me to get excited, but when it came --I knew it for what it was. It wasn't anything like my other miscarriage, but it still equated the same thing: Not this month.
I've known for a long time we are supposed to have 5 children. When I was pregnant with #3, the Lord made it very clear to me that I would have two more children --at the very least. Even now, however, I feel this next child will be our last. And I felt the desire and need for our fifth family member even as early as #4's eight-month mark (he's now almost 20 months). So, with some faith and the desire, we decided it was time. But it's not happening. Yet.
So, of course, the questions start. It's too early for the tears; too early for the palpable pain, but it's not too early for my questions:
What if we didn't hear the Lord correctly?
What if we aren't supposed to have any more children after all?
What if we have to wait until Brandon is done with school?
What if we have to wait because we are having twins? or a Special Needs child?
What if we have to wait because my future calling will be too hard/take up too much time?
And worst of all:
What if I'm wrong?
Wrong would equate that I know more than God. Pride, if you will. And I don't want pride; I know what pride can do to the soul, I abhor pride, and yet I know I am filled with pride at every turn.
Which reminds me of this:
We're learning about the Pride Cycle in Sunday School. Anyone who has taken Seminary or read the Book of Mormon knows what I'm talking about: Righteous people prosper. Prosperity breeds pride and wickedness. Wickedness brings about chastisement from God; trials ensue. Repentant and Humbled, righteousness prevails. And then righteous people prosper. And so on and so on.
This cycle, dear reader, is real. It happens in society, in happens in families, and it happens --as I mentioned --in the soul.
I think I'm at the chastisement point in my spiritual progression. This year. Oh, I've been through this before, dear reader! Haven't you? But I look at the trials before me (notice how my depression hasn't been mentioned in this post? Why? Because it's obviously part of my trials. And I've talked about it to death already this month, don't you think?) and I realize I have things to learn. Many, many things.
I just wish I knew what it was all about.
So, I'll continue to wait. It's not so bad when I put it into perspective, you know. My prayers of late have be riddled with gratitude, so I will focus on what I have instead of what I don't have. It makes things bearable. But every once in a while as I'm laying on our bed before drifting off to sleep, I'll see that peeling paint, rest my hand upon my abdomen, and pray I won't have to wait too much longer.
Do you ever find yourself having to wait?