Right Now

Before drifting off to sleep, I pray for my husband and children. I desire their safety; I pray for their souls. I pray for me --my inability to help them because of my weaknesses. I ask God to comfort my husband in his worry; I pray He can comfort him and bring him work. As sleep overtakes me, I whisper my Savior's name.

I wake up to the sound of incessant whimpering. Crawling-standing, I go to the crib, stopping first to check on the boys. Where is #4? I see him on the floor and put him back in bed, covering his sweet little body with his quilt. #3 is sleeping soundly; I pick up #5 and head back to bed. I nurse.
I sleep.
Two hours later, I wake and see that perhaps I should stop nursing.

Hours later, after my husband has been studying in the living room, the children begin to wake. I am again nursing #5 on the bed; #3 comes in to talk to me. He is cold and snuggles under the covers. We laugh and talk with #5 --I ask him if he ate breakfast. He asks if it is a school day.

All dressed, waiting for their ride to school (a special treat), I let the kids watch TV. In my robe, I eat breakfast, and in my mind, I try to figure out what to do first. Dishes? Change the baby? Shower? Fold laundry? Blog for work?
I settle on the work blog.

I go back and forth in between tasks, never really finishing one or the other. #4 insists on playing together, watching together. #5 insists on being held, on nursing. I move from post office packages to my novel to work reports to blogging. I do some laundry, start the dishes, and begin this post, all the while hoping nobody comes over while I'm in my robe. Husband is in the bedroom, studying, working on finding work, and studying. I try not to disturb him; I try to not be discouraged at my lack of organization. I wander around the house.

I stop. I breathe. Some things are important-need-to-be-done-now. Most things are not.

Later, I will finish the tasks. I will get to the post office, the marketing meeting, the birthday party, the date night. I will shower, finish laundry, help with homework, read, laugh, pray, and comfort. I will feed, tickle, kiss, and listen. In between, I will hope, dream, wonder, plan.

Tomorrow will be more.

For Me:

Of all modern notions, the worst is this: that domesticity is dull.
Inside the home, they say, is dead decorum and routine; outside is adventure and variety.
But the truth is that the home is the only place of liberty, the only spot on earth where a (wo)man can alter arrangements suddenly, make an experiment or indulge in a whim.
The home is not the one tame place in a world of adventure;
it is the one wild place in a world of rules and tasks.

~G. K. Chesterton

P.S. If you can name this cottage and what movie it is in, you will win something! Probably just a pat on the back. From yourself. But still! How fun!

Envy

Envy is supposedly really bad for you. It causes all kinds of bad things like green skin and anger and moping, although if you are Elphaba, I guess green skin is cool. And if you're a frog, green skin would be awesome. But the anger and moping -- or moping and anger --probably wouldn't do Elphaba or the frog any good, either.

And let's face it: Envy doesn't make much sense. I mean, it's always looking better over "there" and at the "neighbors." Somehow, their grass looks all fabulous, and our looks really gross, but we can't help it if our sprinklers broke! Plus, I tend to see things and think, "dang! I'm so glad I'm me!" For example, I wouldn't want to be living in a hole in the middle of a swamp or desert or jungle --although I'm sure many people living in holes in swamps, deserts, and jungles like it just fine, thank you very much --and I'm not envious of people with the plague and locusts. I'm very happy to be plague-and-locust-free. Plus, I'm happy that I have things like water and air and grocery stores and a car and a house and children and computers. I mean, if we're talking about being envious of a pretty good life in general, I'm sure I'm the envy of all I survey --and I'm surveyin' some pretty cute kids right now.

But anyway, my point...what was my point? Oh, yeah: Envy. Not cool.

Sadly, I have myself some envy. Not about my general life (as I already pointed out), but in the things that I wish I didn't have or did have or wanted or needed or whatever. It's not so bad when I have envy in general (like that life I have), but when I start to envy certain individuals, that's when the ugly anger and/or moping occurs. Not good.
The part I find hilarious, of course, is that the person (or persons) I tend to envy can't help that they are so beyond wildly awesome. Plus, they can't help that life has just pretty much always gone their way. Oh, sure, there's some crap in their lives (who in this world has a completely crappy-free life? You? No? I rest my case), but it's not my crap, and so it feels like theirs is so much better. Probably smells nice, too.

For example, I envy a certain person and she rocks. She has fabulous kids, amazing talents, loads of energy, and a gazillion friends. She's gorgeous, generous, and instantly a favorite of all who meet her, family and friends alike. She lives in an fabulous place with fabulous neighbors, is doing fabulously financially, and just seems to have an all out-an-out fabulous life. She would probably admit that she does, too, because she does! Is this wrong? To have a fabulous life? No! And so she's grateful for it --as she should be. She's fun, humble, and a great friend. I love her lots.

And I'm totally jealous of her.

Yes, yes, I know I'm just as fabulous (blah, blah, blah) and yes, I know she probably has some secret demons hiding in the closet because we all have imperfect lives (blah, blah, blah), and I'm sure she would never think these things about herself. I get it. I know. I know, but getting through the envy (deadly sin! Deadly sin!) is somewhat akin to swimming through some honey. But it's not so sweet, because there are gnats and spiders and bees in it. And bears! Because bears like honey...
Ummm...moving on...

Anyway, I know it's easy to say I should just forget it, and sometimes I do. I do the grateful lists (hooray for Thanksgiving!) and I feel better. But at times, I see this person's life and I think:
"Dang it all! Why can't I have that life?" because sometimes, I just need a break from my life and my challenges. Sure, they are mine and sure I would rather have mine than someone else's, and of course it's better to have my own challenges because these are the things I need to teach me the things I need to learn and know so I can grow, but...but...but!

Sometimes I don't want mine anymore.

S-T-U-F-F

Halloween Pictures. And a video!
What was I? Don't ask. I'm not even sure myself. All I know is I scared quite a few kids with my sincere smile.


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STUFF:
1. My nephew was blessed yesterday --it's always so much fun to see family!
2. Lots of resumes sent, connections made, and a couple of interviews held. No job offers, yet. Soon! Hopefully soon.
3. The girls need new socks.
4. I gained 4 pounds this month. ACK!
5. The saying "Cleaning a house while kids are living in it is like shoveling snow in a blizzard" is not only true, it is NOT FUNNY.
6. Phone calls with important boss-like people and 2-year old tantrums do not mix.
7. I have three new favorite blogs. Letters (which I've talked about before), Pushin' Up Vaiseys, and My Little Thoughts (both by high school friends of Brandon's, although I had a class with Rebekah at BYU). The first blog is just fabulous. Fabulous! The last two are hilarious. Hilarious! Go and read. Thank me later.
8. I'm reading Bram Stoker's Dracula for book club. I wanted to finish it on Halloween (how cool would that be?!) but it was not meant to be. What surprises me is that I've never read it!
9. Now that there's a possibility we could move due to a job change, I have decidedly fallen in love with where I live. Figures.
10. I shall be accompanying Brandon to the Bay Area on the weekend of the 14th. Two full days with only #5 and my hubby --please forgive me while I do the happy-monkey dance.

And you?

Perchance to Dream and Halloween

I've been having some pretty messed-up crazy dreams lately. The freakiest part is how real they seem. So real, in fact, that sometimes during the day I have to sit down and ponder whether I actually had a conversation with somebody, or if I dreamt it. This morning, I woke up positively convinced that not only did I forget to send my kids to school in their Halloween costumes, but my husband was livid with me for speaking my mind towards a family member.
It was trippy.
The funny part is that I could easily forget to send my kids to school in their Halloween costumes (not that they'd let me forget) and I could easily speak my mind. All of these dreams I keep having are actually possible. They are manifestations of how I really feel inside, too, but I don't let it out because of my desire to have some form of tact and civility.
I think I may have to mention it to my psychiatrist this afternoon. Could my meds be causing the trippy dreams? I'm thinking, yes.

Speaking of dreams, here's a dream come true. I can't believe he's already 3 months old!


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Halloween Costumes:
#1: Native American Princess (she did the whole costume by herself!)
#2: Medieval Princess (although she wanted make-up like a fairy-princess)
#3: Magician (so excited to have a rabbit hiding in his hat! And thanks to m&m for the costume loan!)
#4: Darth Vader (Thank you to Liz for letting us borrow it! It's fabulous.)
#5: Puppy (again, thank you to Liz!)
Me: No idea. I'll think of something.
Brandon: Nothing. He's at school and won't be back until the whole trick-or-treating is over.

Here's a picture of the three oldest in their costumes this morning before school (and #4 in his awesome T-rex pajamas):

I'm sure I'll have awesome photos for you tomorrow night during the trunk-or-treat.

What are you gonna be for Halloween? What about your kids? Have any crazy dreams lately?

Here I Go Again!

Not knowing equals stunted brain waves.

I can't think ahead. I can't plan. And for a born-with-it planner, this is pure torture at times. Torture, I tell you!
Halloween? Easy. We'll be here.
Thanksgiving? We'll probably be here. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe.
Christmas? Ack! I have no idea!!
January? Stop it! Stop it! Get me a paper bag, I'm gonna pass out!

We could move. We could easily move to Northern California or Southern California or Seattle or...well, that's probably it. We could also stay. Easily stay.
We just don't know. You know?

Irony: I've done this two other times. This is the third. Third time's a charm, right? It's easier, right?
RIGHT!?

Michelle W. told me on the phone: So, are you gonna freak out later, since you're all calm now?
me: Nah. I'm doing good! No freak-outs from me!

Michelle W.? This is me. Freaking out. A little bit.

My life over the weekend and stuff and whatever, blah, blah, whoo-hoo...

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up.
I asked Brandon about this the other night. We were hangin' out at Velour to see Brandon's childhood/teen-hood buddy Cary Judd play (who rocks, btw!) and I asked him:

Me: Do you ever think it would be easier to just stop doing all Church stuff? Just go with the flow? Drink the coffee, skip church, you know...just give up?

B: No.

Me: You've never thought about it?

B: Nope. Church is easy.

Me: What do you mean?

B: It's easy to do Church.

Me: So, you've never felt the pull professionally to do any of those things? Go drinking with the guys or whatever?

B: Nope. Church makes it easy not to. You don't waste your money on stuff that makes you puke and wake up with a headache. You have a built-in support system. You've got guidance. It's easy.

Me: Good point.

[And just to be clear: I don't doubt my faith. Nor do I judge those who don't believe in my faith. I was being philosophical and having a deep conversation with the hubby. Okay, okay --semi-deep.]
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Three Football Games:
BYU, after beating OU and Tulane and feeling all good, was destroyed by FSU. *sniff

Provo High School lost their game to Timpview Friday night --for the 20th time in a row. Provo had won all of their games up to that point (or most of 'em) and had this star player --who was knocked out in the 1st quarter and taken to the hospital.

BYU had their homecoming game on Saturday and played against TCU. I was all despair-like as TCU kicked BYU in the head.

One Common Theme:
I was at all of those games!
I swear, I'm cursed. Or I curse football. Or something.

Although, my friend told me that her hubby has never been to a BYU or PHS game where they have won. NEVER. Not in 20 years. Now, that's cursed!
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Can you believe Mika wouldn't go down that water slide on The Amazing Race last night!? That was INSANE. I mean, I have a very good healthy fear of heights (and spiders and tight spaces and puke and we'll stop there) but Holy Cow, girl! I still can't believe she didn't do it. So sad, so very, very sad...
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We took the kids to get pumpkins tonight, and I had a great time watching them, their dad, and their grandpa carve them while I ate pizza (thanks to my FIL for the pictures):

For Brandon:

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.
~James Yorke

Laid. Off.

I'd like to introduce you all to a friend I call "unemployment." He moved in yesterday.

Brandon and I knew it was coming. When they canceled his trip to Germany, he asked his boss (more or less) what project he needed to prep for after the Vodafone one (the one that took him to London all the time), and he was told "just focus on finishing up Vodafone." Then last week, lay-offs began. We added it up and figured he might be next. We saw the writing on the wall. We felt the breeze of change. We knew it was gonna happen.
And it did.
Yesterday.

Bad things:
1. No job
2. Possible move again when we find a job
3. No job

Good things:
1. Money until January
2. Health Insurance until January
3. Chance to find an awesome job
4. Still in school
5. We've done this before

Brandon and I are calm about this. Perhaps it's experience that is keeping the freak-out at bay (my freak out. Brandon doesn't tend to freak out). Maybe it's knowing we have some buffer time to find a job. It could be that Brandon rocks at treating finding a job as a job. Or it could just be that the zoloft is really, really working. Who knows? Who cares? All I know is we're being optimistic, so you should, too. Not about me, silly reader --about yourself! Be optimistic. It's possible, you know. To be optimistic.
Quite possible.

Brag About Your Kids, Please!

Today, my post is about braggin' about your kids.
I'm serious.
I want you to brag about your kids to me. Not in a condescending way, of course, but I want you to tell me why you love each of your kids (or cats, Becky!). I want to know their strengths (not weaknesses!) and I want to know why you think they rock the world.
I'll start:

#1 is fantastic because she has powerful optimism that can take on any challenge.
#2 is fabulous because her imagination is only surpassed by her ability to make us laugh.
#3 is phenomenal because his inquisitive mind leads him to find solutions and discover new things.
#4 is wonderful because his love is deep and includes everyone.
#5 is out-of-this-world because he is a ray of sunshine that has blessed all of our lives.

I adore my kids, dear reader. I know that they are a challenge at times, and I know that sometimes I hem and haw and sigh and stutter because of the hard times we have, but! They are my joy. I think Brandon would agree with me. Our kids rock!

Now tell me about yours!

Paint. In a Corner. And Other Stuff

*THANK YOU to everyone who came out of hiding and left comments on my last post. I didn't realize how many people were reading that I do not know in real life --or that I do! Love you guys. Thanks for reading!

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The problems with sharing deep emotional angst in a public way:

1. You end up painting yourself into a corner. See, you do not need advice (necessarily), but your comments are automatically construed as one who needs advice. So it comes. In droves. And in order to maintain peace and love and friendship, you feel as if you must remain silent and take it, although the inside of your head is screaming "I know! I know! I know! I'm not stupid, I'm just commenting on my current feelings! Can't I comment on my current feelings? Why is that wrong?!" Well, maybe not screaming, but you get the picture.
The worst part of it all is knowing that if you complain about people caring about you, then they will stop caring --either out of offense or spite. And why would you want them to stop caring? So, you deal with the frustration of being seen as an idiot, all the while wishing you could somehow explain yourself more clearly without insulting those who take the time to care. So there you are. In the corner.
Painted.

2. People who are reading your thoughts and comments for the first or third time don't realize that you've been through it before and have written about it in the past. And therefore, they believe that you haven't learned anything, yet, even though you have learned plenty o' stuff. This happens a lot in blogs, but also in other social-forum-places-that-makes-one-think-of-books-with-faces. But again, you don't want to insult or make them feel bad, because they are only sharing out of the goodness of their said hearts. And this is fine! But it's hard when your head is screaming (again) that you know these things --you are just expressing your frustration at your frustration because the frustrating frustrations will always be there. And will continue to be frustrating. Because this is mortality. Life is hard. And a tad frustrating.
There's that painted corner again....

But hey! Let's talk about something less frustrating! Here's some stuff:

• Alison Wonderland and I have struck up a deal: 20 minutes of exercise 4 days a week. Now, why did I tell you? Because now I don't only have to answer to her --I have to answer to all of you people, too (all 54 of ya'! Or more. I mean, I'm assuming there's only 54 since there were 54 comments on my last post... wink, wink, nudge, nudge... mom!). But since I didn't ask Alison if I could post about it, she does not have to answer to all of you. Just me. Unless she really wants to answer to more than me. Hmmm...
• I love Autumn. It's gorgeous and yummy.
• I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families and I am in love with it. Love, love, love. I also loved The Anatomy of Peace. Such good stuff!
• Although I haven't showered yet, today, I have done some laundry, nursed the baby 3 times, changed 4 diapers, got two kids ready for the day while supervising the other three, called the school to explain #2's school absence (flu is in our home), made 2 meals (okay, one was cold cereal), raked some leaves, supervised some play time, wrote 2 blog posts for work, chatted on Facebook, did the dishes, swept the floor, practiced the piano (for choir), listened to my first-grader read, snuck some Halloween candy, found #4's toys, replied to a few emails (only 500 to go), read a chapter in the 7 Habits book, picked up some garbage, checked on the kids, and wrote this blog post.
• Although Brandon did not go to Germany, it turns out that he needs to be "available" during the work-hours in Germany. This means he's up at 2AM. Needless to say he is now sleeping (it's 3PM) and we are both wondering: "Wouldn't going to Germany have been easier?!"
• In full disclosure, I have to tell you that I'm so excited about The Biggest Loser (holy cow, can you believe they sent home Coach Mo last week and not Tracey!?!?) and The Amazing Race. They both make me want to fulfill my life-long dreams of traveling the world and hiring a personal trainer. At the same time. Just kidding. Okay, not really kidding.

That is all. For now. And maybe later. But not later-later...

Lurkers Unite! (and de-lurk)

My first official de-lurking day is today! (and the rest of the weekend). And it truly is my first; I don't think I've had one in four years.

What does this mean? Well, if you read my blog, then you need to leave a comment. Yes! Even if you read my blog only occasionally or if you read my blog every day, I want to hear from you. It's nice to know who's reading. So, leave a comment with the following:

1. How did you find my blog?
2. How long have you been reading it?
3. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

That is all! And if you lurk and don't comment, then you'll be breaking the rules. Which is fine, I guess, because how the heck would I know you read and didn't comment? I don't read my analytics very often, so you'd be safe. But still, I might cry if I see only 3 comments. Maybe not. Who knows. The zoloft is working, so I probably will be fine with it!

Letters, Brandon's Job, and Stewart Falls!

Go and read this blog. It's called Letters, and it is one of my favorites! Why?

• The women writing the letters happen to be two of my very favorite people in the whole entire world.
• The historical genre in which they write is one I greatly enjoy.
• It's a novel in progress --one that I would buy.
• It's a great way to pass the time when one does not want to do other things.
• But most of all, I love it because I love the characters! I can't wait to read the next letter because I want to know what's going to happen next.

So go and read it and thank me later! Oh, and just fyi, you should start here and work your way backwards through the archives --or forwards? That's what I meant --start at the beginning.
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For those of you who have been wondering why Brandon goes to England a lot for work, click here. That's what he's been doing (he's on the EMC/Decho side, working with Vodafone). Isn't that cool?
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Saturday was a serendipitous day for me.
We had Brandon home, so we decided to spend the day together as much as we could (as a family). And what do we do when we have time to hang out as a family?
We hike!
We decided last minute (like 9AM) to take the kids up to Aspen Grove. We only had 3 hours in which to drive up there, hike Stewart Falls, eat something, and drive back because #3 had a birthday party to get to. Talk about pressure! We hiked so fast, I was sore for the next...well...I'm still sore. But hey, it was totally worth it. Just take a look at these photos!


The kids were such troopers. I loved the air, the sun, and the quiet. It was so lovely!
Oh, but the serendipitous part?
Well, for one, I have hiked to Stewart Falls about 50 times. Each week for two summers (1999 and 2000) I hiked to Stewart Falls with 20-30 seven and eight year old kids. However, I don't remember ever taking my own kids. Isn't that crazy? Maybe I did and I just don't remember. But anyway, that was fun. The craziest part, though?
Running into April.
Just as we arrived at the bottom of Stewart Falls from the Aspen Grove trail, another adorable family arrived from the Sundance trail. I immediately recognized April (although I know it took her a few seconds longer to remember me). She and I met as freshman at BYU (and dated the same guy, and went on a road trip to Idaho together, but I digress), but we haven't seen each other since then. Holy cow! What are the chances that we would meet up at Stewart Falls at the same time? Especially since we (meaning my family) almost didn't hike it due to time constraints?
Love the irony. Or whatever it was. Here we are:


How was your weekend? Do anything fun? Not fun? Kinda fun? Did you run into friends from years' past?

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

Brandon is not going to Germany! The 17 day-long widowhood will not happen! He only has two weekends of classes, but he'll be here in between!

And the peasants rejoiced.

Thoughts for Friday

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Nope, not a joke.

Look, he may be a great man and a good president (jury's still out on that one, though), but the Nobel Peace Prize?? What the heck has he DONE to get it? The only thing I've seen is a divided nation against his policies and ideas.

I'm so confused...

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Hey, look! It's me! With my new nephew! And it's a picture of me that doesn't make me run in horror!

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I just finished reading Kathryn Lynard Soper's book, "The Year My Son and I Were Born" and it was fabulous. Amazing, really. I loved it, and you will too! I promise you will. Especially if you are a mother (which makes sense, since it's about a mother and her son). Seriously, go buy it. Read it. Thank me later. And if you've already read it, tell me what you loved about it...

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Date night tonight! Huzzah!

Hey, so do you do date night with your hubby? Yes? No? If you do, what is a common thing you guys do? How often do you go out together? I like our routine, but it wouldn't hurt to have more ideas...

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Nie Nie was on Oprah the other day, and although I missed it, I watched this video about her. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Seriously, it is women like this that make me realize that my life is freakin' awesome. Sure, I have struggles, and sure I have demons, but honestly? Who doesn't?

I'm betting you do, too.

Right?