Happy meets Crazy

Right Now

2009-11-06T10:50:00.003-07:00

Before drifting off to sleep, I pray for my husband and children. I desire their safety; I pray for their souls. I pray for me --my inability to help them because of my weaknesses. I ask God to comfort my husband in his worry; I pray He can comfort him and bring him work. As sleep overtakes me, I whisper my Savior's name.

I wake up to the sound of incessant whimpering. Crawling-standing, I go to the crib, stopping first to check on the boys. Where is #4? I see him on the floor and put him back in bed, covering his sweet little body with his quilt. #3 is sleeping soundly; I pick up #5 and head back to bed. I nurse.
I sleep.
Two hours later, I wake and see that perhaps I should stop nursing.

Hours later, after my husband has been studying in the living room, the children begin to wake. I am again nursing #5 on the bed; #3 comes in to talk to me. He is cold and snuggles under the covers. We laugh and talk with #5 --I ask him if he ate breakfast. He asks if it is a school day.

All dressed, waiting for their ride to school (a special treat), I let the kids watch TV. In my robe, I eat breakfast, and in my mind, I try to figure out what to do first. Dishes? Change the baby? Shower? Fold laundry? Blog for work?
I settle on the work blog.

I go back and forth in between tasks, never really finishing one or the other. #4 insists on playing together, watching together. #5 insists on being held, on nursing. I move from post office packages to my novel to work reports to blogging. I do some laundry, start the dishes, and begin this post, all the while hoping nobody comes over while I'm in my robe. Husband is in the bedroom, studying, working on finding work, and studying. I try not to disturb him; I try to not be discouraged at my lack of organization. I wander around the house.

I stop. I breathe. Some things are important-need-to-be-done-now. Most things are not.

Later, I will finish the tasks. I will get to the post office, the marketing meeting, the birthday party, the date night. I will shower, finish laundry, help with homework, read, laugh, pray, and comfort. I will feed, tickle, kiss, and listen. In between, I will hope, dream, wonder, plan.

Tomorrow will be more.

For Me:

2009-11-04T14:20:00.007-07:00

Of all modern notions, the worst is this: that domesticity is dull.
Inside the home, they say, is dead decorum and routine; outside is adventure and variety.
But the truth is that the home is the only place of liberty, the only spot on earth where a (wo)man can alter arrangements suddenly, make an experiment or indulge in a whim.
The home is not the one tame place in a world of adventure;
it is the one wild place in a world of rules and tasks.

~G. K. Chesterton

P.S. If you can name this cottage and what movie it is in, you will win something! Probably just a pat on the back. From yourself. But still! How fun!

Envy

2009-11-03T13:38:00.003-07:00

Envy is supposedly really bad for you. It causes all kinds of bad things like green skin and anger and moping, although if you are Elphaba, I guess green skin is cool. And if you're a frog, green skin would be awesome. But the anger and moping -- or moping and anger --probably wouldn't do Elphaba or the frog any good, either.

And let's face it: Envy doesn't make much sense. I mean, it's always looking better over "there" and at the "neighbors." Somehow, their grass looks all fabulous, and our looks really gross, but we can't help it if our sprinklers broke! Plus, I tend to see things and think, "dang! I'm so glad I'm me!" For example, I wouldn't want to be living in a hole in the middle of a swamp or desert or jungle --although I'm sure many people living in holes in swamps, deserts, and jungles like it just fine, thank you very much --and I'm not envious of people with the plague and locusts. I'm very happy to be plague-and-locust-free. Plus, I'm happy that I have things like water and air and grocery stores and a car and a house and children and computers. I mean, if we're talking about being envious of a pretty good life in general, I'm sure I'm the envy of all I survey --and I'm surveyin' some pretty cute kids right now.

But anyway, my point...what was my point? Oh, yeah: Envy. Not cool.

Sadly, I have myself some envy. Not about my general life (as I already pointed out), but in the things that I wish I didn't have or did have or wanted or needed or whatever. It's not so bad when I have envy in general (like that life I have), but when I start to envy certain individuals, that's when the ugly anger and/or moping occurs. Not good.
The part I find hilarious, of course, is that the person (or persons) I tend to envy can't help that they are so beyond wildly awesome. Plus, they can't help that life has just pretty much always gone their way. Oh, sure, there's some crap in their lives (who in this world has a completely crappy-free life? You? No? I rest my case), but it's not my crap, and so it feels like theirs is so much better. Probably smells nice, too.

For example, I envy a certain person and she rocks. She has fabulous kids, amazing talents, loads of energy, and a gazillion friends. She's gorgeous, generous, and instantly a favorite of all who meet her, family and friends alike. She lives in an fabulous place with fabulous neighbors, is doing fabulously financially, and just seems to have an all out-an-out fabulous life. She would probably admit that she does, too, because she does! Is this wrong? To have a fabulous life? No! And so she's grateful for it --as she should be. She's fun, humble, and a great friend. I love her lots.

And I'm totally jealous of her.

Yes, yes, I know I'm just as fabulous (blah, blah, blah) and yes, I know she probably has some secret demons hiding in the closet because we all have imperfect lives (blah, blah, blah), and I'm sure she would never think these things about herself. I get it. I know. I know, but getting through the envy (deadly sin! Deadly sin!) is somewhat akin to swimming through some honey. But it's not so sweet, because there are gnats and spiders and bees in it. And bears! Because bears like honey...
Ummm...moving on...

Anyway, I know it's easy to say I should just forget it, and sometimes I do. I do the grateful lists (hooray for Thanksgiving!) and I feel better. But at times, I see this person's life and I think:
"Dang it all! Why can't I have that life?" because sometimes, I just need a break from my life and my challenges. Sure, they are mine and sure I would rather have mine than someone else's, and of course it's better to have my own challenges because these are the things I need to teach me the things I need to learn and know so I can grow, but...but...but!

Sometimes I don't want mine anymore.

S-T-U-F-F

2009-11-02T10:05:00.005-07:00

Halloween Pictures. And a video!
What was I? Don't ask. I'm not even sure myself. All I know is I scared quite a few kids with my sincere smile.

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STUFF:
1. My nephew was blessed yesterday --it's always so much fun to see family!
2. Lots of resumes sent, connections made, and a couple of interviews held. No job offers, yet. Soon! Hopefully soon.
3. The girls need new socks.
4. I gained 4 pounds this month. ACK!
5. The saying "Cleaning a house while kids are living in it is like shoveling snow in a blizzard" is not only true, it is NOT FUNNY.
6. Phone calls with important boss-like people and 2-year old tantrums do not mix.
7. I have three new favorite blogs. Letters (which I've talked about before), Pushin' Up Vaiseys, and My Little Thoughts (both by high school friends of Brandon's, although I had a class with Rebekah at BYU). The first blog is just fabulous. Fabulous! The last two are hilarious. Hilarious! Go and read. Thank me later.
8. I'm reading Bram Stoker's Dracula for book club. I wanted to finish it on Halloween (how cool would that be?!) but it was not meant to be. What surprises me is that I've never read it!
9. Now that there's a possibility we could move due to a job change, I have decidedly fallen in love with where I live. Figures.
10. I shall be accompanying Brandon to the Bay Area on the weekend of the 14th. Two full days with only #5 and my hubby --please forgive me while I do the happy-monkey dance.

And you?

Perchance to Dream and Halloween

2009-10-30T09:32:00.007-06:00

I've been having some pretty messed-up crazy dreams lately. The freakiest part is how real they seem. So real, in fact, that sometimes during the day I have to sit down and ponder whether I actually had a conversation with somebody, or if I dreamt it. This morning, I woke up positively convinced that not only did I forget to send my kids to school in their Halloween costumes, but my husband was livid with me for speaking my mind towards a family member.
It was trippy.
The funny part is that I could easily forget to send my kids to school in their Halloween costumes (not that they'd let me forget) and I could easily speak my mind. All of these dreams I keep having are actually possible. They are manifestations of how I really feel inside, too, but I don't let it out because of my desire to have some form of tact and civility.
I think I may have to mention it to my psychiatrist this afternoon. Could my meds be causing the trippy dreams? I'm thinking, yes.

Speaking of dreams, here's a dream come true. I can't believe he's already 3 months old!

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Halloween Costumes:
#1: Native American Princess (she did the whole costume by herself!)
#2: Medieval Princess (although she wanted make-up like a fairy-princess)
#3: Magician (so excited to have a rabbit hiding in his hat! And thanks to m&m for the costume loan!)
#4: Darth Vader (Thank you to Liz for letting us borrow it! It's fabulous.)
#5: Puppy (again, thank you to Liz!)
Me: No idea. I'll think of something.
Brandon: Nothing. He's at school and won't be back until the whole trick-or-treating is over.

Here's a picture of the three oldest in their costumes this morning before school (and #4 in his awesome T-rex pajamas):

I'm sure I'll have awesome photos for you tomorrow night during the trunk-or-treat.

What are you gonna be for Halloween? What about your kids? Have any crazy dreams lately?

Here I Go Again!

2009-10-28T10:14:00.004-06:00

Not knowing equals stunted brain waves.

I can't think ahead. I can't plan. And for a born-with-it planner, this is pure torture at times. Torture, I tell you!
Halloween? Easy. We'll be here.
Thanksgiving? We'll probably be here. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe.
Christmas? Ack! I have no idea!!
January? Stop it! Stop it! Get me a paper bag, I'm gonna pass out!

We could move. We could easily move to Northern California or Southern California or Seattle or...well, that's probably it. We could also stay. Easily stay.
We just don't know. You know?

Irony: I've done this two other times. This is the third. Third time's a charm, right? It's easier, right?
RIGHT!?

Michelle W. told me on the phone: So, are you gonna freak out later, since you're all calm now?
me: Nah. I'm doing good! No freak-outs from me!

Michelle W.? This is me. Freaking out. A little bit.

My life over the weekend and stuff and whatever, blah, blah, whoo-hoo...

2009-10-26T21:39:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give up.
I asked Brandon about this the other night. We were hangin' out at Velour to see Brandon's childhood/teen-hood buddy Cary Judd play (who rocks, btw!) and I asked him:

Me: Do you ever think it would be easier to just stop doing all Church stuff? Just go with the flow? Drink the coffee, skip church, you know...just give up?

B: No.

Me: You've never thought about it?

B: Nope. Church is easy.

Me: What do you mean?

B: It's easy to do Church.

Me: So, you've never felt the pull professionally to do any of those things? Go drinking with the guys or whatever?

B: Nope. Church makes it easy not to. You don't waste your money on stuff that makes you puke and wake up with a headache. You have a built-in support system. You've got guidance. It's easy.

Me: Good point.

[And just to be clear: I don't doubt my faith. Nor do I judge those who don't believe in my faith. I was being philosophical and having a deep conversation with the hubby. Okay, okay --semi-deep.]
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Three Football Games:
BYU, after beating OU and Tulane and feeling all good, was destroyed by FSU. *sniff

Provo High School lost their game to Timpview Friday night --for the 20th time in a row. Provo had won all of their games up to that point (or most of 'em) and had this star player --who was knocked out in the 1st quarter and taken to the hospital.

BYU had their homecoming game on Saturday and played against TCU. I was all despair-like as TCU kicked BYU in the head.

One Common Theme:
I was at all of those games!
I swear, I'm cursed. Or I curse football. Or something.

Although, my friend told me that her hubby has never been to a BYU or PHS game where they have won. NEVER. Not in 20 years. Now, that's cursed!
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Can you believe Mika wouldn't go down that water slide on The Amazing Race last night!? That was INSANE. I mean, I have a very good healthy fear of heights (and spiders and tight spaces and puke and we'll stop there) but Holy Cow, girl! I still can't believe she didn't do it. So sad, so very, very sad...
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We took the kids to get pumpkins tonight, and I had a great time watching them, their dad, and their grandpa carve them while I ate pizza (thanks to my FIL for the pictures):

For Brandon:

2009-10-22T15:59:00.003-06:00

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.
~James Yorke

Laid. Off.

2009-10-21T14:10:00.002-06:00

I'd like to introduce you all to a friend I call "unemployment." He moved in yesterday.

Brandon and I knew it was coming. When they canceled his trip to Germany, he asked his boss (more or less) what project he needed to prep for after the Vodafone one (the one that took him to London all the time), and he was told "just focus on finishing up Vodafone." Then last week, lay-offs began. We added it up and figured he might be next. We saw the writing on the wall. We felt the breeze of change. We knew it was gonna happen.
And it did.
Yesterday.

Bad things:
1. No job
2. Possible move again when we find a job
3. No job

Good things:
1. Money until January
2. Health Insurance until January
3. Chance to find an awesome job
4. Still in school
5. We've done this before

Brandon and I are calm about this. Perhaps it's experience that is keeping the freak-out at bay (my freak out. Brandon doesn't tend to freak out). Maybe it's knowing we have some buffer time to find a job. It could be that Brandon rocks at treating finding a job as a job. Or it could just be that the zoloft is really, really working. Who knows? Who cares? All I know is we're being optimistic, so you should, too. Not about me, silly reader --about yourself! Be optimistic. It's possible, you know. To be optimistic.
Quite possible.

Brag About Your Kids, Please!

2009-10-20T09:44:00.004-06:00

Today, my post is about braggin' about your kids.
I'm serious.
I want you to brag about your kids to me. Not in a condescending way, of course, but I want you to tell me why you love each of your kids (or cats, Becky!). I want to know their strengths (not weaknesses!) and I want to know why you think they rock the world.
I'll start:

#1 is fantastic because she has powerful optimism that can take on any challenge.
#2 is fabulous because her imagination is only surpassed by her ability to make us laugh.
#3 is phenomenal because his inquisitive mind leads him to find solutions and discover new things.
#4 is wonderful because his love is deep and includes everyone.
#5 is out-of-this-world because he is a ray of sunshine that has blessed all of our lives.

I adore my kids, dear reader. I know that they are a challenge at times, and I know that sometimes I hem and haw and sigh and stutter because of the hard times we have, but! They are my joy. I think Brandon would agree with me. Our kids rock!

Now tell me about yours!

Paint. In a Corner. And Other Stuff

2009-10-19T15:14:00.001-06:00

*THANK YOU to everyone who came out of hiding and left comments on my last post. I didn't realize how many people were reading that I do not know in real life --or that I do! Love you guys. Thanks for reading!

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The problems with sharing deep emotional angst in a public way:

1. You end up painting yourself into a corner. See, you do not need advice (necessarily), but your comments are automatically construed as one who needs advice. So it comes. In droves. And in order to maintain peace and love and friendship, you feel as if you must remain silent and take it, although the inside of your head is screaming "I know! I know! I know! I'm not stupid, I'm just commenting on my current feelings! Can't I comment on my current feelings? Why is that wrong?!" Well, maybe not screaming, but you get the picture.
The worst part of it all is knowing that if you complain about people caring about you, then they will stop caring --either out of offense or spite. And why would you want them to stop caring? So, you deal with the frustration of being seen as an idiot, all the while wishing you could somehow explain yourself more clearly without insulting those who take the time to care. So there you are. In the corner.
Painted.

2. People who are reading your thoughts and comments for the first or third time don't realize that you've been through it before and have written about it in the past. And therefore, they believe that you haven't learned anything, yet, even though you have learned plenty o' stuff. This happens a lot in blogs, but also in other social-forum-places-that-makes-one-think-of-books-with-faces. But again, you don't want to insult or make them feel bad, because they are only sharing out of the goodness of their said hearts. And this is fine! But it's hard when your head is screaming (again) that you know these things --you are just expressing your frustration at your frustration because the frustrating frustrations will always be there. And will continue to be frustrating. Because this is mortality. Life is hard. And a tad frustrating.
There's that painted corner again....

But hey! Let's talk about something less frustrating! Here's some stuff:

Alison Wonderland and I have struck up a deal: 20 minutes of exercise 4 days a week. Now, why did I tell you? Because now I don't only have to answer to her --I have to answer to all of you people, too (all 54 of ya'! Or more. I mean, I'm assuming there's only 54 since there were 54 comments on my last post... wink, wink, nudge, nudge... mom!). But since I didn't ask Alison if I could post about it, she does not have to answer to all of you. Just me. Unless she really wants to answer to more than me. Hmmm...
I love Autumn. It's gorgeous and yummy.
I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families and I am in love with it. Love, love, love. I also loved The Anatomy of Peace. Such good stuff!
Although I haven't showered yet, today, I have done some laundry, nursed the baby 3 times, changed 4 diapers, got two kids ready for the day while supervising the other three, called the school to explain #2's school absence (flu is in our home), made 2 meals (okay, one was cold cereal), raked some leaves, supervised some play time, wrote 2 blog posts for work, chatted on Facebook, did the dishes, swept the floor, practiced the piano (for choir), listened to my first-grader read, snuck some Halloween candy, found #4's toys, replied to a few emails (only 500 to go), read a chapter in the 7 Habits book, picked up some garbage, checked on the kids, and wrote this blog post.
Although Brandon did not go to Germany, it turns out that he needs to be "available" during the work-hours in Germany. This means he's up at 2AM. Needless to say he is now sleeping (it's 3PM) and we are both wondering: "Wouldn't going to Germany have been easier?!"
In full disclosure, I have to tell you that I'm so excited about The Biggest Loser (holy cow, can you believe they sent home Coach Mo last week and not Tracey!?!?) and The Amazing Race. They both make me want to fulfill my life-long dreams of traveling the world and hiring a personal trainer. At the same time. Just kidding. Okay, not really kidding.

That is all. For now. And maybe later. But not later-later...

Lurkers Unite! (and de-lurk)

2009-10-16T09:40:00.003-06:00

My first official de-lurking day is today! (and the rest of the weekend). And it truly is my first; I don't think I've had one in four years.

What does this mean? Well, if you read my blog, then you need to leave a comment. Yes! Even if you read my blog only occasionally or if you read my blog every day, I want to hear from you. It's nice to know who's reading. So, leave a comment with the following:

1. How did you find my blog?
2. How long have you been reading it?
3. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

That is all! And if you lurk and don't comment, then you'll be breaking the rules. Which is fine, I guess, because how the heck would I know you read and didn't comment? I don't read my analytics very often, so you'd be safe. But still, I might cry if I see only 3 comments. Maybe not. Who knows. The zoloft is working, so I probably will be fine with it!

Letters, Brandon's Job, and Stewart Falls!

2009-10-13T14:16:00.001-06:00

Go and read this blog. It's called Letters, and it is one of my favorites! Why?

The women writing the letters happen to be two of my very favorite people in the whole entire world.
The historical genre in which they write is one I greatly enjoy.
It's a novel in progress --one that I would buy.
It's a great way to pass the time when one does not want to do other things.
But most of all, I love it because I love the characters! I can't wait to read the next letter because I want to know what's going to happen next.

So go and read it and thank me later! Oh, and just fyi, you should start here and work your way backwards through the archives --or forwards? That's what I meant --start at the beginning.
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For those of you who have been wondering why Brandon goes to England a lot for work, click here. That's what he's been doing (he's on the EMC/Decho side, working with Vodafone). Isn't that cool?
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Saturday was a serendipitous day for me.
We had Brandon home, so we decided to spend the day together as much as we could (as a family). And what do we do when we have time to hang out as a family?
We hike!
We decided last minute (like 9AM) to take the kids up to Aspen Grove. We only had 3 hours in which to drive up there, hike Stewart Falls, eat something, and drive back because #3 had a birthday party to get to. Talk about pressure! We hiked so fast, I was sore for the next...well...I'm still sore. But hey, it was totally worth it. Just take a look at these photos!

The kids were such troopers. I loved the air, the sun, and the quiet. It was so lovely!
Oh, but the serendipitous part?
Well, for one, I have hiked to Stewart Falls about 50 times. Each week for two summers (1999 and 2000) I hiked to Stewart Falls with 20-30 seven and eight year old kids. However, I don't remember ever taking my own kids. Isn't that crazy? Maybe I did and I just don't remember. But anyway, that was fun. The craziest part, though?
Running into April.
Just as we arrived at the bottom of Stewart Falls from the Aspen Grove trail, another adorable family arrived from the Sundance trail. I immediately recognized April (although I know it took her a few seconds longer to remember me). She and I met as freshman at BYU (and dated the same guy, and went on a road trip to Idaho together, but I digress), but we haven't seen each other since then. Holy cow! What are the chances that we would meet up at Stewart Falls at the same time? Especially since we (meaning my family) almost didn't hike it due to time constraints?
Love the irony. Or whatever it was. Here we are:

How was your weekend? Do anything fun? Not fun? Kinda fun? Did you run into friends from years' past?

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

2009-10-12T17:30:00.001-06:00

Brandon is not going to Germany! The 17 day-long widowhood will not happen! He only has two weekends of classes, but he'll be here in between!

And the peasants rejoiced.

Thoughts for Friday

2009-10-09T12:07:00.003-06:00

Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize.

Nope, not a joke.

Look, he may be a great man and a good president (jury's still out on that one, though), but the Nobel Peace Prize?? What the heck has he DONE to get it? The only thing I've seen is a divided nation against his policies and ideas.

I'm so confused...

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Hey, look! It's me! With my new nephew! And it's a picture of me that doesn't make me run in horror!

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I just finished reading Kathryn Lynard Soper's book, "The Year My Son and I Were Born" and it was fabulous. Amazing, really. I loved it, and you will too! I promise you will. Especially if you are a mother (which makes sense, since it's about a mother and her son). Seriously, go buy it. Read it. Thank me later. And if you've already read it, tell me what you loved about it...

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Date night tonight! Huzzah!

Hey, so do you do date night with your hubby? Yes? No? If you do, what is a common thing you guys do? How often do you go out together? I like our routine, but it wouldn't hurt to have more ideas...

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Nie Nie was on Oprah the other day, and although I missed it, I watched this video about her. Amazing. Simply amazing.

Seriously, it is women like this that make me realize that my life is freakin' awesome. Sure, I have struggles, and sure I have demons, but honestly? Who doesn't?

I'm betting you do, too.

Right?

Psychiatrist Experience

2009-10-07T22:08:00.001-06:00

Psychiatrists are not scary. Nor are they weird. Or old. Well, I'm sure some of them are old, but mine is not. I did comment to a friend that it was strange speaking to a "wise doctor" who was probably my age. Although he could have a been a few years older, but honestly, guys my age can be doctors now! Not only can they be doctors, but they can be doctors who have been practicing (as in "graduated") for a while, too. For several years, in fact!
Maybe I'm just the one gettin' old.

Anyway, I went to see my psychiatrist on Friday. We spoke for almost an hour and we went over my entire health history: physical, mental, emotional, etc. We focused on the mental (go figure) and after he described Depression in detail, I was relieved to see that Yep! I've got it! Why? Because it was something finally real. It was no longer the self-diagnosed problems I tried to cure with exercise and diet (although those are very good things and I'm actually under orders to figure out a way to fit exercise into my life even though I have absolutely no time to fit exercise into my life but I better do it because it's doctor's orders! Head doctor, yes, but doctor none the less); this was the real deal. I have Depression.
And it's NOT post-partum depression.
Wha!?
Nope. I have the real thing. The "lasts longer than a few weeks (more like months) and didn't truly go away during pregnancy or after-birth or before-birth or with therapy or without therapy even though I did have periods of happiness, because that's what Depression does; it ebbs and flows but sticks around and gets worse until you are wallowing in it all the time and thus the need to get some help before it sucks you into the vortex of never-ending hopelessness."
I've got it.

So...anyway...I'm already on Zoloft. I started out at 25mg with a prescription my midwife gave me about a month ago. It wasn't doin' too much (although some frustration and/or anger subsided), so with her permission, I upped it to 50mg after 2 weeks. My shrink (and fyi --I say "shrink" with love and respect) thinks I should stay on 50mg for a month and then go back to see him, marking my progress or my non-progress along the way. That's where I am.
Exciting, ain't it?

Here's something REALLY cool, though. My awesome buddy m&m gave me a book last night (well, technically, she gave me about 9 books, hooray!), and one of them was by Michael McLean. You know the guy --he writes all those churchy songs that make us cry. Anyway, his book is called Hold On, the Light Will Come: And Other Lessons My Songs Have Taught Me and in it was a song he has never written down or published, but these are the words (they made me laugh and then cry. See? Told you he makes people cry. Even the ones who make fun of him in public but secretly listen to his music in private --don't try to deny it!):

"Something's Broken In My Brain and Only Pills Can Fix It"

Something's broken in my brain
And only pills can fix it.
I fought this thing for years in vain,
Believing I could lick it.
I tried and failed and felt so weak;
It made me quite the cynic.
And then I heard the heavens speak:
"Mike, get thee to a clinic."
I thought that meant the clinic
For my own immortal soul,
So I trudged down to a church to wait
For God to make me whole.
Then something happened then and there
That came as quite a shocker:
I heard the voice of God say, "Mike,
I meant get thee to a doctor."
"But you're the God of heaven and earth,
My King, my Lord, my Master.
Why not just heal me here and now?
It's cheaper and it's faster."
He paused so long I thought He'd gone,
And then, in all His glory,
He shared an insight that will be
The moral of my story.
He said, "I whispered to some scientists who couldn't see
The one who guided their research was none other than me.
You see, I know you wonder
If I hear prayers when you say them.
Well, I've heard all your cries for help
Long before you pray them."

Here's to pills!
Up next --Therapy. As in, I need to get that therapist, stat, not that my next post will be about therapists...

It's Monday. I am Random.

2009-10-05T10:18:00.004-06:00

I am an Aunt!

Well, I've been an aunt for a while now, but that's just my way of saying that my sister delivered a healthy (although full of amniotic fluid) boy on Friday. He's so cute! Now she has three boys like me. Hey, dear sister, you wanna have two girls next? Just to even it out?

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Brandon is HOME! Well, for a little while, anyway. He might have to go to Seattle for a few days this week, and next weekend (the 15th? or something?) he's going to school, Germany, and then school.
But for now, he is HOME!

----------------
General Conference rocked my world. From Elder Bednar's awesomeness to Elder Holland's pulpit-pounding to President Monson's temple announcing, I was edified, chastised, and overcome with goodness in my heart. I adore General Conference. The only problem I have with it is that it's so much information in such a little time! Kind of like the Temple endowment. Which, of course, means we go back and go over it again. And again. And again...
Can't wait for the November Ensign!

---------------
It's cold now. I think I will break out my Autumn decorations today. What do you think?

---------------
I met my cousin's wife last night at an open house. She is super cool and her wedding gown was fabulous (I totally notice wedding gowns now-a-days. Figures.).

---------------
Two of our boys are home! I've probably told you this before, but years ago, Brandon worked with the Deacons (for 5 years). There were 3 deacons that kind of became our "boys" and would hang out at our house all the time. This continued until we moved to California. Even then, two of them flew out to visit us for a week! And then all three of them went on missions.
Well, Isaac came home in August and Bruce came home last week. Eric doesn't get home until May, but let me tell you how OLD I feel, looking at these boys. I remember them as children, and now they are RM's and one of them is already engaged! (She waited for him.) Isn't that just crazy!?

---------------
Let's see --any more random and useless info you would like to know? No? Well, I'll let you know how the psychiatrist appointment went...
...tomorrow.
And I think I have myself a good General Conference post brewing, too. But for now, what's the random stuff going on in your life? Care to share?

In My Head Tonight

2009-10-01T22:04:00.004-06:00

The cat is sitting on my lap as I type; it's strangely comforting. I say strangely because I usually don't let him sit on my lap because of my allergies. He misses Brandon, though, and so do I. So, we're comforting each other.
------------
My sister is being induced tomorrow. She is a few days over her due date and has never had to be induced before. Of course, she could always go into labor tonight...but it's nice to know her son will be born by tomorrow. It's her third boy and I can't wait to see him!
--------------
Today I took the day off. I didn't do much. Taught a piano lesson here and there, did carpool, fed the kids, changed diapers, supervised homework, etc. That's about it. I stayed in my pajamas and I watched TV (doh!) and ate some cookies. I shouldn't feel guilty (since I need a day off every once in a while) but tomorrow I'm having some guests, and Brandon comes home Saturday night and the house is right mess. Disgusting, really. But I do this, you know. I save all the housecleaning and laundry for one day of the week for some reason. Why do I do this? I have no idea. But the kids have already been warned --tomorrow is chore day! Which lines up nicely since it's early-out day at school.
-------------
Tomorrow morning I'm meeting with a psychiatrist. So far the Zoloft seems to be working, but I want to make sure I'm doing what I should be doing (plus get a few therapist referrals!). I'm a tad nervous, though. I need to take the baby, but I'm hoping he won't need to nurse while I'm there. I'm also nervous that I'll break down and treat the psychiatrist like a therapist, which probably won't help. I don't know.
-------------
Did you know it was 90 degrees on Tuesday, and then Wednesday morning we woke up to a high of 45 degrees? The snow does look pretty in the mountains, but I'm not ready for winter. Not yet! Autumn just arrived!
Sigh. I hate Utah weather.
------------
I still haven't been able to figure out my schedule. I don't know how to fit in exercise or work or callings or kids or whatever else I need to do without completely stressing myself out. So, I'm taking it more slowly, and focusing on the important things like nursing the baby. And taking a shower most days. I want to be better at the chores and the house and myself, but I realize that right now my focus really needs to be on getting better and taking care of my children. This means --for now --that it's okay to take days like today; it's okay to say no to things.
Right?
I mean, I keep telling myself it's okay, but myself isn't really buying it.
-------------
I fell in love with my husband again last night. Although he was in London and I was here and we were simply chatting over gmail, I felt so close to him. The funny part is we were just chatting about a possible school class for him to take, and talking about opportunities that would actually make him busier --but for me, it was proof that we were meant to be together, and it was awesome! Simply awesome.

Me and Avenia Bridal

2009-09-30T14:23:00.005-06:00

You know how life takes you different places and you end up doing things you never imagined you would be doing?
Take, for example, my current job. I work for Avenia Bridal doing online marketing. Basically, I write and maintain their blog, I run their Facebook page (and Facebook ads), I'm learning how to oversee their website, and I help figure out other online marketing strategies. My writing (for the blog) means I interview past customers (brides) as well as our artistic director, Nancy (I ghost-write her). I also have to keep up on current wedding/bridal gown trends, ideas, and happenings, and I research other blogs/websites/forums to get information. After a month of doing this, what is the verdict?

I love it.

Weird, eh? I'm kind of a tom-boy at heart, and so finding myself writing for a boutique that sells high-end wedding gown couture is pretty funny. But I really enjoy this idea of marketing, and I really love the people I work with. I'm also impressed with the product and the integrity of the owners. It's a great job because it's less than part-time, on my own schedule, and I get to write! I also love socializing, so the networking part (which is starting to happen) is really fun. Plus they pay me to write. How cool is that?!

Anyway, even though it will look like blatant advertising, I just finished a post that I think you guys might like; it was about a girl I've known for nearly 9 years, and her mother and I have had several callings together at church. So fun! The coolest part is how she and her husband came together. Read it here!

Have you ever had a job in your life you loved? Did it surprise you that you loved it so much? Have you ever had a job you hated? Why?

My Chunky-Monkey!

2009-09-28T22:03:00.002-06:00

Two Months Old Today!

Two (count 'em) Lightening Bolts

2009-09-27T16:15:00.004-06:00

Sometimes I don't like spiritual inspiration. Because it means I have to do something about the thing I was praying/thinking/wondering about and in all reality, I'd rather not do anything (which makes no sense because why was I praying/thinking/wondering if I wasn't looking for an answer, hmmm?). Or I'd rather just allow things to take their natural course. (Yes, that could mean desensitized children who mock, ridicule, and trample upon all that is sacred and holy, but if that's the natural course...?)

Just call me lazy. Or tired. Probably both.

So, last night at the Relief Society General Broadcast, I felt a bolt of lightening. No, it wasn't about visiting teaching (although there was some minor bolts about that one), or about the new non-Enrichment (Dude! I just finally stopped calling it Homemaking! Figures.), or about "Minding My Gaps" (although that had to be my favorite talk of the night. I adore that Sister Thompson! And considering Brandon is in London right now, and I know what the "Mind the gap, please. Mind the gap" voices sound like, it was quite a treat) --my lightening bolt had to do with something else.
Okay, wait. It was actually two lightening bolts. Both with ferocity. Is ferocity a word one can use in conjunction with spiritual matters? Good. I thought so, too.

Anyway, the two things:
1. Turn off the TV
and
2. You're making good decisions.

The first was a doozy. Television and movies are a big part of our family because we here take our connection to pop culture quite seriously. Perhaps not in the advertisement part (I hate commercials!), but most definitely in the "we record more shows than we can watch" part. The kids don't watch junk, but they do watch a lot of the non-junk. And #4, the absolute number one Star Wars fan, watches way more than any 2-year-old should. He watches because I work on the computer. Or do laundry. Or wash dishes. And when he says "Watch Stah Wahs Downstous?" I most readily agree. Because it gives me time to do things while his older siblings are at school. So, Obi-Wan and Luke Skywalker teach my son important values like how to swing a light saber and how to shoot guns and fly ships.
Yes, I have guilt. But not too much guilt. I mean, good wins, right?
Still, I know it's out of control. I've known my whole life (adult life?) that too much TV is bad for kids (and adults, yo). But I never realized how bad it had gotten until on Saturday, before the broadcast, the TV was on ALL DAY. All day! And was that good? Did we get things done? Did we go on a picnic or a walk or to the park or make cookies for the neighbors? What about reading or drawing or looking for rolie-polie bugs? Did we hike to a waterfall? Did we clean the playroom? How about writing letters to missionaries or grandparents?
No time for that! We had to watch TV.

Blah.

So, that first lightening bolt was good, even though I didn't want to hear it. I told the kids today that Star Wars was prohibited for at least a week (maybe longer? Maybe?), and TV shows would be limited to evenings and to 30 minutes. Ouch, eh? I guess I could've/should've gone for the whole enchilada and cancelled television for the whole week, but I'm starting out slow. Maybe. It actually might end up being easier to stop it all at once (like a band-aid! Right off!) and then work in some things next week, but...I didn't think about that. Huh.

Anyway, the second lightening bolt came in the form of peace. Validation, if you will. I've been having a tough time as of late --what, you didn't know?!?! --and I've had to put some things in my life on hold. I've been trying to figure out where, what, how I exist, and it's meant a lot of prayer. But, the answers have come (not all of them), and acting on them took a lot of courage. A lot. Feeling peace was fabulous. I need me some peace.

What about you? Learn anything from the RS Meeting? Or if you couldn't go, have you learned anything from anything this weekend?

P.S. Thank you, Rachel, for going with me! It was so good to see you...

And You?

2009-09-25T15:42:00.003-06:00

Things I've learned this week:
1. Treating the Sabbath Day as a day of rest truly works. It's invaluable, really.
2. French pastries are divine.
3. Self-glorification is not a reason to keep doing something. Especially if it's making you feel guilty for any reason.
-----------------------------
Photography I took Labor Day weekend in my parent's front yard:

------------------------------

Favorite quote of the week (from this article):
Even God rested on the 7th day. And Christ, our exemplar frequently took time to
rest and to pray. Muller said, “When we think of Jesus, we usually think of
him teaching, healing, or being accosted by hordes of sick or possessed who
sought his touch. But Jesus would just as often send people away, or disappear
without warning, dismissing those in need with neither excuse nor explanation,
and retire to a place of rest.”
-------------------------------

Videos that made me laugh so hard I cried (but read mad's warning first. One is kind of PG-13ish, but if you're like me, you will find it hilarious. Maybe. Unless your sense of humor is different from mine. Which it could be. Still, I don't care, because I like 'em! And thank you, madhousewife! I still laugh when I watch it...).
-------------------------------

Reasons to smile:
1. I'm meeting with a psychiatrist next week.
2. My sister should be having her baby any day now!
3. Autumn is upon us. Oh, how I adore Autumn...

And you?

Mortality

2009-09-23T21:28:00.002-06:00

Mortality

And there I went.
Over rays and Under waves
Crashing, coursing, chafing, cursing,
Marking time with leaf patterns; searching
Veins of plant-life
Wondering, Wandering
Chasing distorted light.

Unsure-hesitant I stood
Naked before myself.
Exposed the soul-spirit, I
Drank, Gulped, Devoured the
Truth above me.
"I am light and before me is
Color.
I am worth and behind me is
Black-grey.
I am strength and beside me are
Lifted wings."

Warrior on! Keep in stance and
Stay in currents fresh from
Wildflowers, pure with snow,
Smelling of morning and oak.
In them I let go,
Escape from shackled exhaustion,
Tethered standards, faceless tradition
and find Joy;
unfettered, unresolved, pointless.
Happiness freckled with turbulence, yet
Resounded in liberty!

Priceless freedom to feel.

~by Cheryl
(Copyright September 2009)

Talk, Talk, Talk...

2009-09-21T15:42:00.002-06:00

Blah.
Have you noticed how the same things get talked about in your life over and over and over? And for the most part, this is just peach-keen, dandy, and fabuloso. We talk about our kids, our husbands, our jobs, our parents, our friends, pretty much all of our relationships, and then we move onto other things like shoes, movies, books, blogs, etc.
And when I say "we" I'm talking about most people in general.
So, we talk about these things. We go over these things, and although they change in scenario (relationships change, parental issues change, shoe styles change), they are kind of the same thing. Personally, I think it's kind of awesome. It's nice to have the same things to talk about, and when you can find a friend to talk about these same issues with over and over and over, it's even better. But sometimes, I feel sorry for my friends, because my topics are just constantly repeating themselves. And these aren't topics like I've mentioned above (because I can never get enough talking about blogs, TV shows, movies, books, although talking about shoes gets kind of old after a while, so it's probably a good thing I've never lingered on the topic of shoes for very long), these are the topics that include the yucky things about my life that I can't seem to solve.
Like Depression.
And Priorities.

These two things seem intertwined in my life. I'm not sure if it's because my inability to prioritize/de-stress is causing the Depression, or if it's a result of the Depression, but either way, I talk about both of them a lot. A lot-lot. It's one of those ad-nauseum things, like when people try to blog about politics or gay marriage or male circumcision and everyone "suddenly has something to say!" except in my case, the only person truly talking is me. Because these are my things --this is my deal I have to get through. I have to figure it out. Not necessarily alone, thank goodness, and as you know, dear reader, there are plenty of people who have something to say about Depression or Priorities or both --which is not necessarily a bad thing. But I think after a while, it becomes a not-so-good thing because they would rather not talk about those things anymore. It's kind of like when bad things happen, people react in different ways. Some console, some build-up, some serve, some feed, some run-away, some wait-until-it-blows-over, and others deny, deny, deny. We all react in certain ways to bad situations and to our friends' bad situations, as well we should. We're all different in how we react to anything in general, so why would we react differently to somebody's Depression/Inability To Prioritize?
I'm just sayin'.

But here's the problem with talking about something ad nauseum --it can turn into a personality trait. "She's the Depressed one, you know, and she can't talk about anything else." Of course, this becomes labeling, and I already wrote about that here. That doesn't mean labeling doesn't happen --just that it shouldn't. But regardless of whether it should or should not, my point is that sometimes it can be annoying. I find myself annoying at times. [And let me be clear: I'm talking about MYSELF. I do not find you, dear reader annoying, and if I did, I would tell you. Or at least avoid talking to you. But since I don't avoid anyone that I am aware of (on purpose), then we can safely assume that I am, once again, talking purely about myself, eh? My blog, my life, my selfish posts.] I can sense that I am annoying people, although sometimes I sense that I am actually, in fact, not. Annoying people, that is.
Which is good.

Where was I again? Oh, right. My two topics. So, here I am, facing my two topics which is the story of my life since....ummm...I had children? That doesn't seem very long, but 8 years (holy cow, she's 8 1/2!) can be a long time in a person's life, especially if they've been dealing with something for those 8 years, even if they didn't realize during those full 8 years that they were dealing with something. But so it goes! And my Depression and my Priority Problems are constantly plaguing me.

Do I try to solve it? Oh, sure! That's why I talk about them all the time. In fact, I have two posts in the draft folder talking about Re-Prioritizing my life (again), and they are all introspective and lovely and poetic and quite frankly, I hate them. Yeah, I could get rid of everything in my life at this moment that causes even the slightest bit of stress --and trust you me, I already have gotten rid of some big things --but what would be the point? I'm not only a Depressed, Constantly Prioritizing woman, but I'm also a Go-Getter. A Responsibility-Seeker. A Maybe-This-Won't-Help-Me-In-The-Way-I-Think-It-Will-But-It-Looks-Like-Fun-So-I'll-Do-It! I tend to fill my time up as soon as it's empty. I've tried to fill up empty space with nothing and it doesn't work. So, this is why the Prioritizing comes in; I can't give it all up, but I can re-organize it to work. Maybe I should call it "Organizing" instead of "Prioritizing"? Oh, who am I kidding. It's still a priority thing. I mean, what comes first? and then third? Where do I fit it all in?

I seriously ponder this at times. I'm currently 18 pounds overweight [and yes, I know, I just had my fifth kid and so I'm supposed to be all satisfied by being 100 pounds overweight, and how could I possibly think about weight issues when I'm nursing a baby?! Don't I know that I'm being purely self-absorbed and please won't somebody think of the children??!] and so I think: "Hmmm...I don't want to gain another 20-30 like I did last time; I should start weight watchers again and start exercising every day." But when am I supposed to do this? I used to run 4 miles a day, but how can I do that now? I'm nursing on demand, and so early-morning runs are out; plus Brandon travels a lot. I could just jump on the elliptical machine (and I have), but to find a consistent time has eluded me. Of course, I also know I could just do Pilates, but my 2 years old won't let me be on the floor without jumping on my dough-bag, and the kid won't nap. Granted, I guess I could do it after the kiddos go to bed, but by then, I've hit zombie-status, and the idea of exercising makes me want to hit vomit-status.
See the conundrum?

And this is just the beginning. Because what I realize is that I need to figure out what is important and what is not. Is exercise important? Is it? If it is, then why don't I make it work? Hmmm? What is my problem? But then let's add in the fact that I need a therapist (and psychiatrist) desperately --but not just any therapist; I need one that insurance covers. This is a priority. Of course, it would help if I had time to sit down and actually find one, too. Then the thought of finding a babysitter (Brandon's gone a lot, remember?) in order to go to one, and my brain starts to fall apart. But that doesn't change the fact that I truly need therapy. I do. I want to go, and I have no doubt I'll figure it out and make it work.

Now then let's add to it the responsibilities I've heaped upon myself (Responsibility-Seeker, remember?). Sure, I've whittled my piano students down to 7, but what did I add? Bridal blogging, missionary editing, and a new baby. Add the two callings (another topic I seem to keep bringing up), and you have yourself a woman with stress. However, what do I look like without stress and responsibility? Depressed. Ooh, ooh! But what do I look like with the stress and responsibility? Depressed.
Thus the need for meds and the therapist.
Except I don't have time to find that therapist...

Get the picture? It's a cycle of abuse --abuse of self. I need to change it. I need to make it all work. I have to figure out. This is why I talk about it all the time. To the point of alienating people, including myself. Can you alienate yourself? Probably. It won't stop me from talking about this until I figure it out, though, so if annoys you, dear reader, I apologize. But not really, because I'm labeling myself this time: I'm the Talker.

Or maybe we could just move! That could solve it all...

Randomness for the Weekend

2009-09-18T10:21:00.005-06:00

I'm becoming disillusioned with our government (not new, eh?). I was more than happy to give Obama a chance. And then another, and then another. Sure, it's not even been a year, but by golly! You'd think things would be on the upswing already. It's frustrating to see him talk about unity --but only if we change everything to match his own opinions.
Umm...wha?
Now, I'm just happy that the conservatives have finally figured out how to rally together themselves a protest and an undercover sting. [*Warning: That last link shows a Jon Stewart video that is PG-13, but it was quite educational. And shocking. And hilarious. Jon Stewart at his best!] It's about time, you silent majority!

Please let me be clear, though: I do not believe in trash-talking the President of the United States with vulgarity or personal attacks. I completely respect the office. But just as people were freaking out over good ol' George over the last decade, I am starting to freak out over Obama. And I believe it is my right to do so, as well as the protesters. Sure, some people can take things too far, but I find it ludicrous that many liberal/left-wing citizens are allowed to scream at the top of their lungs and be listened to, while conservatives are "judgemental, religious fanatics" who are not allowed the same privilege.
Nancy Pelosi, anyone?

Rant over.

----------
BYU Football rocks. I love the game, the team, the tailgating, the cheering, the excitement. Home games start tomorrow, and it's Date Night for us, baby!

Go Cougars!

---------
Brandon has to be in London for 10 days pretty soon. Then next month he'll be in Germany for another 10 days. Plus, his school classes are tacked onto the end of both trips (and the beginning of one), making the London trip actually 14 days, and the Germany one 17 days.

Yeah, it's a lot of travel. Yeah, it leaves me alone with the kids for a long time. Sure, it's not always easy. But here's what I'm thinking:

1. All those air miles. Vacation for two after graduation? Heck, yes!
2. Cool experiences for Brandon.
3. The toilet seat will stay down?

Yeah, so I'm stretching here, but still --I'm not bitter. I knew what his job would be like when he took it (I think) and we knew doing school would be burdensome for a couple of years. I could get mad, or rant, or rave --but honestly? That's too exhausting. I'd rather be supportive and be positive. We gotta do what we gotta do, you know?

-----------
I love my book club. Love them! We reviewed the book The God of Small Things last night, and I was so impressed with the group's ability to have such open minds. I've been the youngest member of the club (that has been meeting since the mid-1980's) for a while now, and I am still amazed at these strong, intelligent women I associate with. They are so diverse, but there's not a judgemental soul among them.
Love it!

-----------
I'm taking Zoloft.

Is it working? Not sure, yet --it's only been 5 days! But I was getting pretty bad there. Now I just need to get myself a therapist that insurance will pay for.

Wish me luck!