Thursday, April 06, 2006

Miscarriage

I have been pregnant 4 times. The first 3 times were full-term and I gave birth to a beautifully healthy child each time. The 4th ended today.

I can't describe the feeling very well, but since the 2nd week after having that positive pregnancy test, I didn't feel pregnant. I didn't feel any connection to my fetus, and I didn't feel elation that usually comes with my pregnancies. So when I started to miscarry, it was almost a relief. Isn't that a terrible thing to say?!? But that's what it was like. My body was telling me "you technically haven't been pregnant for a couple of weeks (--the embryo developed wrong and detatched from the uterine wall according to the ultrasound), so this is a good thing that everything is being cleaned out. It's nature's way." But that's not all. I have armfuls of friends that have miscarried often. Armfuls of friends that have been unable to concieve. Armfuls of friends that have to try for years to conceive only to have miscarriage after miscarriage. Why should I feel sorry for myself? I have 3 kids. Some have none! I'm so lucky...

I'm sure the tears will start tonight after the kids are in bed and the reality sinks in. It's still a hard thing to go through. But I just want to say that to everyone out there that has experienced this, please feel my love and feel my sorrow for your loss. I can finally say I understand.

4 comments:

becca said...

I'm so sorry, Cheryl. I can't say I know how it feels because I don't but there were a few pregnancy tests that came back negative and I was relieved...not because I didn't want to get pregnant, but because I wasn't quite ready. I don't know what to say, except I do enjoy reading your blogs. i don't knwo how you have the time to write let alone inspiring and coherent thoughts. You're amazing!

Cheryl said...

Thanks, becca. I think you are amazing!!

TftCarrie said...

Sorry to hear about the miscarriage. I also don't really know how it feels to lose a pregnancy, but I am pretty sure it would suck big time.

I can't wait to see you at the wedding party next week. It should be fun!

Cheryl said...

carrie-
You know, I hate to admit this, but now I REALLY know how it feels to go through this and watch other people get pregnant...When B announced her pregnancy this last Sunday, I was shocked at how much it hurt me...I'm really, honestly, and truly happy for her, but it was so hard not to start balling right there in her kitchen. I'll tell you more this weekend...

P.S. To all my friends that felt that way about me when I got pregnant, my heart goes out to you and I'm truly sorry that it might have hurt you...