Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Under Construction (Not the Blog. Me!)

It wasn't the best day, today. I'm not surprised. I just came off of a wonderful week with my husband and a spectacularly spiritual and peaceful Sunday. I mean, the kids and I even worked on their Faith in God booklets! (Well, #2 and #3 and I, although #1 did some personal progress, too.) FHE last night was  hit! We had such a great time (#3 taught the lesson on the Word of Wisdom and we played Apples to Apples and also practiced the song we're singing as a family in Sacrament Meeting in a few weeks.)

So, of course, I needed some kind of opposition, eh? I call it the Moses Phenomenon. And I should blog about what that is, sometime...

Let's see... I was down for the count during the morning. Incredibly joint pain along with exhaustion meant I needed to rest and that also meant #6 was on the iPad for way too long (he mostly watched "Animal Mechanicals," and that's educational TV, so, we're calling it a win, today). It also meant I spent the day in yoga pants (don't I often?). I was overwhelmed by some frustrations and consistent disappointments I'm facing in my life right now, and so emotionally, I was drained. Well, hormones don't help that, either. Go figure.

I got in a yelling fight with my oldest before she left for YW's tonight. That was lovely. Especially considering all the wonderful things she did (play with her brothers, start the laundry, help with dinner). Blerg.

I was so tired and gross-looking that I drove to the bus stop, and then on a whim, went through the drive-through at Chic-Fil-A for lunch with the boys to compensate for driving 100 yards down the street. I'm glad I didn't look super gross, too, because the person taking my money at the window was a young man who lives in our ward!

The news today was depressing, seeing child-killers and everyone trying to play God with fertility and suicide. More death, more disease, more problems in the world... The bills keep coming, the kids keep fighting, my struggle to get above pettiness and negativity feels inadequate at best...

I read more blog posts about how to be better mother and homemaker; I read other posts about how to just let it all go. Neither of them made me feel good today. I was annoyed with everything and everyone online. Angry Birds was the only thing that sounded reasonable, today!

When my husband walked in the door from work, he kissed me and then laughed as I was stirring up the end of dinner.
"Honey, I'm sorry, but this is too funny. You are barefoot, pregnant, and... stirring macaroni and cheese."
He laughed. Normally I'd laugh, too.
I said, "You can go back to work, now."
So he kissed me again, hugged me, and did the dishes. (Smart man!)

The house is a mess. Absolutely trashed. The oldest three are with their dad at the church for various activities and the younger three are with me. The table hasn't been cleared, yet, the rest of the dishes need to be finished, the laundry needs to be hung, and all I want is to be hiking (okay, maybe just sitting down somewhere) on Mt. Timpanogos in Utah.

I have no idea why, but I received a random magazine in the mail today that talks about the West Coast. Beaches, mountains, my old vacation spots, the Bay Area where we used to live (San Francisco is my favorite city next to London. Seattle comes in third). I think it was a cruel hoax, since I'm feeling so homesick right now. Don't get me wrong, PA is beautiful, but I crave my mountains. I crave REAL mountains with snowy peaks and jagged rocks and pines and aspens and elevation extremes. I long for the scent of that mountain air, along with sagebrush in the rain (so heavenly!), and the wind sweeping down the Snake River Valley. I want to know where North is just by looking at the mountains!

Gratefully, autumn is gloriously red and yellow and orange, here, and there are still plenty of leaves yet to fall. This means it will last a bit longer! The weather is absolutely perfect, too. 60's to 70's and holding!

Also, gratefully, I know these kinds of days do not last. They come and go, they arrive eventually, but they are like the wonderful days: just days that pass. It's trying to convince my brain of this truth that becomes the trick. I'm not sure if this is a Down Day or just a regular ol' bad day. I'm kind of praying it's a Down Day because that means I am so much better than I have been this past year. My last big Down Day was two months ago! TWO MONTHS! Dear reader, this is a beautiful and epic thing! My Down Days were 4-5 days a week for nearly 4 months... now it's only 1-2 days every 2 months?? I'll take it!!

You know, I won't always be so focused on my mental illness. I won't always have to struggle with it the way I do now. I won't always be pregnant. I won't always be obese. I won't always have tiny little children begging for my time. I won't always have a constantly messy and demanding household. Everything passes. Time runs on, and even though my kids feel it goes so slow, I look at their eyes and realize they know more than they did yesterday. One day they will remember how much easier it was being a child than an adult, and they, too, will see the passage of time begin to speed up with such... quiet relentlessness.

So, time goes on, the bad days and the good days meld together, my life keeps going, and optimism and strength will win out in the end. I'm fighting fierce battles, dear reader. Battles in my brain chemistry, battles against evil for my soul, battles against the information that could define my children if I let it. I'm a warrior, you know. And just writing all of this down has helped so much; I'm feeling much better...

1 comment: