Friday, October 17, 2014


Things making me really sad right now: 

*I just found out that a man whom I loved and admired passed away from cancer a month ago and I didn't even know he was sick. He lived in our ward in Provo, and I blame myself for not knowing, but I'm also so frustrated that nobody thought to tell us. I feel just sick inside that I lost the chance to tell him good-bye in this life and that I didn't realize he was gone.

*Another man in our Provo ward passed away this week, just a few weeks shy of his 100th birthday. He and his wife are my heroes in so many ways (his wife was such a dear friend), and just knowing that I'm not there to mourn with his wife and my friends is so hard for me.

*I have been deeply hurt by passive aggressive public flogging of me and my dearest friends for just doing what we truly thought friendship meant, where now the only option we have is silence (and yes, I realize this sentence is it's own form of passive-aggressiveness, but I honestly have been painted into a corner and can do nothing else. This mentioning of it is probably already too much and shows my immaturity).

*Making difficult (but not horrible) life decisions.

*Turning completely into a night-owl from my previous early-morning persona, which means the mornings where I only have one child are spent puttering around the house. And online. And watching episodes of Gilmore Girls. Instead of cleaning the house.

*My messy house.

*No energy to clean said house.

*Very little emotional support.

*#3's push-back on school (he'd do awesome if there was no writing or homework required. And the homework is actually not unreasonable and writing is a must in this world).

*Guilt about... everything.

Things making me happy right now: 


*Sunshine and Autumn

*Making good friends in the ward

*The scriptures

*A house, food in the fridge, cars that run, education for my kids, clothes, shoes, books, washing machines, dishwashers, heat, blankets, socks, friends I can count on, medicine, movies, Gilmore Girls, Jane Austen, beautiful children, sleep, and herbal tea.

*Knowing that even though the sad and hard is really sad and hard, I can do sad and hard things. Maybe not all at once, and maybe not right away, but I can still do them.


Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I'm sorry to hear about your friends who passed away. Indulge me while I share my own similar experience: Remember when you & me were at Julie P's house before you moved away? I was supposed to visit a dear family friend "Grandma Rose" after that, but ended up feeling too tired and driving home instead. Since I live 3 hours away, I never made it back down to visit her before she passed away that November. Because we aren't actually related, I didn't find out until several months later that she had passed away. It was super heartbreaking.
Anyway, it actually really helps me feel better to share that with you. *sigh* I miss you my friend.

Cheryl said...

MOTWB --I'm sorry you didn't get to see her before she died! Isn't it so hard? And I miss you, too.