Friday, September 05, 2014

Bitter September

September is not a very good friend. Every year, now, as September nears, I get nervous. I wrote about it here, but I'll probably end up repeating some of it, although not the happy ending.

In the past, September meant the start of school, the beginning of Autumn, the smell of harvest, the Eastern Idaho State Fair, new college roommates, BYU college football, soccer season, watching my children grow up... The memories are good! Many of those things have stayed the same, but they feel tainted. The memories are tainted.

Tainted by change. By death.

9/11. Jared's suicide. Grandma's funeral.

October has become my favorite friend, because October means Autumn (my absolute favorite season) is in full swing, pumpkin everything is being smelled and consumed, school is in it's groove, and September is over.

Green Day knew what they were talking about, dear reader. They knew.

Monday is the anniversary of Jared's death --three years. You can read about it here and here.

My Grandma died last year. And on the anniversary of her death (August 30th, a Sunday, this year), I was having one of the worst Sabbath days I've ever had. Church was really hard for me that day, and it wasn't because I had even remembered it was the day she had died. In fact, I didn't realize it until yesterday.

9/11 is just a given that we pause as a nation and are somber. I will always remember where I was --don't you?

Everything in my life always seems to change for the worst in September. Why couldn't there have been positive changes? No babies born, no pregnancies beginning, no wedding, no engagement (Brandon and I almost broke up in a September; a month before we were engaged). Just death, job searching, stress, worry, and the shifting of life.

I don't completely hate it. I don't want to wallow in misery over it, either. But life is really hard right now, and it feels like a very bitter irony that it's September. Sure, I'm trying to stay positive (previous post) and sure, I'm not superstitious (I'm really not), but holy cow, I had a rough night last night (of my own making --my stupid brain!!) and I just feel a bit bitter towards September, today.

If you love September, can you share some of it with me?


Rachael said...

I can understand... I feel that way about certain days. I am so sorry for the loss of your family members. It's hard to lose them. I love September because it is when both of my babies were born (14th and 22nd). I became a mother this month and it is the best calling I could ever receive! I love being a mom!

Amanda D said...

I'm sorry that September is such a hard month. I wish I was close enough to you to go out walking with you or something. Please know I'm thinking of you!

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I agree with you and Green Day. But September does end...and as Anne of Green Gables reminds us, "I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers."
Love you, my friend. Hang on until October with me, Green Day & Anne. <3

Rebecca said...

Seriously. It's like the closer to the date it gets, the harder it is to breathe... And then it finally passes. "As my memory rests but never forgets what I lost, wake me up when September ends." </3

cheryl cardall said...

September is bitter for me too. My best friend's husband was killed in an accident 10 years ago leaving her with 3 young children, she also has a degenerative muscular disease and is in a wheelchair.

Then last September 21st our sweet nephew (who was 4 days away from being 2) drowned in a family hot tub. I feel your pain and sadness for sure.

Camille said...

I am so sorry for you and having a rough time. So sorry that Sept has such a bad reputation for being a hard month. (((HUGS))) But, since you asked, what I love about Sept.... It is mine and my hubby's birthday month!!! (the 15th is his, the 22nd is mine), it is also the beginning of fall, my favorite season, we have women's conference this month (which I LOVE), and it means the holidays are coming, but not close enough that I am stressing about them yet :)