Friday, September 07, 2012

I Think About Him Every Day

Go read Brenna's post. Please. It's right here.

Tomorrow will mark one year.

I remember exactly where I was when the phone call came that Jared had been missing since Thursday night. We were all in the living room. It was early morning. Friday. We prayed as a family that Jared would be safe.

A few short hours later, I was at my friend's house for a Mother's Guild Meeting. I was leading the discussion and the topic was Understanding and Learning to Cope With Depression. I had left my cell phone on in case there was news about Jared. Brandon called. I excused myself and went around the kitchen into my friend's back hallway.

Brandon was stoic; he told me they found his body.

His body.

His body.

I sobbed. I fell to the ground and literally sobbed into the phone. He didn't know more than that at the time, and I calmed myself, went back into the room and finished the discussion. The women were kind. I was numb.

Driving home, I cried again and told #4 that Uncle Jared had died when he asked me what was wrong. Brandon called soon after and said he was coming home to pack. He was going to fly out to be with his sisters and mother as soon as possible. When he came home, I went with him into our bedroom and he shut the door. He started to pack, he was crying and he told me. He told me.

He told me our worst nightmare.

He told me Jared had killed himself.

I screamed at him. I said, "NO! NO. NO! He would NEVER do that to Tamra! NEVER!! NO!! NO!!! NO!!!!" and I sobbed and sobbed and Brandon sobbed and sobbed and we just cried together.

He flew out to be there, to be the rock that he is, to stand by the women in our family who have always been able to rely on him. I drove out with the kids the next day.

Then we experienced the Memorial Service and reading his last letter. You can read about that, here.

It's been a year, you know. A year without his beautiful heart. A year of questions and whispers and glances and wondering how life would be different. A year without his music, his laughter, his genuine concern for all people. I think about him every day.

Funny how when the people we love are alive and well, we don't think about them as much as the ones who left us too early.

In honor of Jared, I'm going to eat something deliciously vegetarian and watch a sunset. You should, too.


Amanda D said...

Wow...I can't believe that it has been a year already. I hope you enjoyed the sunset -- ours was beautiful. Hugs.

Stephen said...

Bless your heart. I wish I had words, but I don't.

Cheryl said...

I am so very sorry for your family's loss. The anniversaries bring up all those memories again especially when the death is such a tragedy with so many unanswered questions. Love to you all.


I find myself almost impatiently waiting for the setting sun and seeing rays burst from the clouds as it makes me feel a connection with heaven. I recently had a friend take his own life and I appreciate your words, especially this line: "Funny how when the people we love are alive and well, we don't think about them as much as the ones who left us too early."

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