Monday, February 27, 2012

I'm Just Complaining

Yesterday was a fantastic day. Today, not so much.

I've already cried for a couple hours this morning. That was after I got into arguments with my son before he left for school. I feel like a heel of a mother. I ruined his whole day. I should drive up there and apologize to him in person, but I'm too tired to get out of these pajamas. Or get in the car.

My two little boys have been watching TV for nearly 2 1/2 hours now. It's "educational", but still.

I had leftover birthday cheesecake for breakfast. TWO slices. My midwife is not gonna be happy about that one. I already feel awful.

The laundry from Saturday still needs to be folded. I don't care.

The kids left for school before doing their chores. And I let them.

A good friend offered to take me to lunch. I declined.

I woke up to contractions in the middle of the night; they went away quickly.

I think #2 forgot to feed the cat. He's acting weird.

I'm wallowing in self-pity, even after a good conversation with my midwife about our appointment tomorrow. 4 women who were due after me already have their babies. One is really close. I'm trying to stay positive; I hate listening to people whine, too. But I forgot how HARD this is. How hard it is to be so emotionally (hormonally!!), mentally, and physically exhausted, with pain in my ligaments, my ribs, my hips, my legs, my abdomen --everywhere but my big toes --and to feel my skin stretching tighter and tighter. I forgot how difficult these last weeks are, and now to be "overdue?" It's so stinkin' hard. I feel like a failure because I don't have the energy for basic household cleaning anymore. And when I do? I know I have to get it done fast, and so I just yell at everybody to "hurry up!!" forgetting that it's because of MY exhaustion that I need them to hurry (when they really don't need to). I'm either super happy or super depressed. I feel bi-polar, but it's daily. The dumbest things will send me into a bawling-fest, and then two hours later, I'm laughing like the world is full of daisies and joy.

It's so messed up.

I don't know how my husband or my kids can handle me right now. I'm not sure they really are --I think they're faking it. And I don't blame them. They were all so VERY kind to me all weekend --my husband is the best man alive, I swear. I was able to rest a lot, Brandon made all the meals, and I really didn't have to do much at all. And yet, here I am, complaining and whining and being all moody the day after one of the best birthdays, ever.

I see photos of my friends' newborns and I'm so happy for them! But then I just want to cry because I just want to hold my baby.

You know what's the scariest part of all of these feelings? That something's wrong. I told my mom that I'm just expecting the baby to have something wrong with him (he's not healthy, he's mentally challenged from the get-go, he needs the NICU or something even though he's overdue) or I'll end up in the hospital with an emergency c-section. Then people will mock me for wanting a home birth and try to stick it to me and tell me I should never have done something so "stupid." My mom said I was being silly; she's seen me give birth, it'll be just fine. But still. I worry.

Brandon says I should hold out until Wednesday so we can have a leap day baby. It just made me cry inside. I don't want to wait anymore! #2 was 10 days late; I don't remember being this emotional about it. I must have been, right? But I only had one kid to take care of back then, not five.

My midwife is going to put oil (I can't remember the name of which one) on my cervix tomorrow afternoon. She put some on another client last week and she went into labor that night. This gives me hope.

Truth? If it was only the pregnancy, I wouldn't care. It's the hormones that have come with it.

Man, I need a nap. Really bad. I think I'll feel better if I just sleep for a few days. Or weeks.

Which reminds me, whenever someone tells me I look tired, I usually respond with "I am tired! I've been tired for 12 years!" I imagine it'll be another 40 before I get enough sleep. By then, my body probably won't let me, eh? Sigh.


Amanda D said...

I think you are doing just fine. The kids will be fine -- it's not like you let your boys watch tv all day everyday. Once in a while is just fine. Let the house be a mess, order pizza for dinner and rest. Maybe your friend could take you lunch instead?

My Little said...

Good venting session. It is good to release all that negativity that is building inside of you.

And ya, don't worry about the laundry, hay, it is clean, so you are doing great! And as far as TV goes, I did the same thing this morning, so you are not alone. I feel a little badly about that too, but it is in the past now.

I am glad you have a midwife that is taking good care of you. And just remember, it doesn't matter what others think. Your body will birth this baby one way or another and he will be just fine. No matter what happens, those who care about you will just be so happy that you finally have your little guy, that no one will be thinking about this or that.

This is your time, so whatever it is you need to do, you do it. You will be in my prayers.

Julie said...

I think you are doing just fine. The kids will be fine -- it's not like you let your boys watch tv all day everyday. Once in a while is just fine. Let the house be a mess, order pizza for dinner and rest. Maybe your friend could take you lunch instead?

I know Amanda said it, but I couldn't say it any better. You're awesome.

Handsfullmom said...

Hang in there. If it makes you feel any better, Lillian asked me a week before Cami was born, "Mom, are you just going to be crabby like this until the baby's born?" Um, yep!

SewSara said...

I agree with Julie - you're doing fine. Don't be so hard on yourself for feeling hormonal and tired!
I was with Nikki Moysh on Saturday and she told me to soak my legs in hot water (even better if you have access to a hot tub) from the knee down and then have my husband massage the heck out of my feet and especially ankles. Supposedly that will help start labor! Just a thought since it's an easy one - better than drinking castor oil!

Becca said...

You're awesome.

That is all.

(ps - I am taking all of this in because I was 10 days late with my 2nd, and I really want a home birth for my next baby, but I'm worried sick that I'll never go into labor and I'll end up being TEN months pregnant instead of 9... so I'm anxious to see how this turns out for you :D But you just let that baby take his time. It will help me be patient when it's my turn somewhere down the road...)

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Everything you're feeling is real, but it's also temporary. Just keep reminding yourself this is not permanent. It's a stage. Kids have bad stages; moms can too. Chances are pretty well stacked that within one week's time, you'll be past 75% of these challenges and on to some new ones.

You'll do it. You don't HAVE to do it gracefully or beautifully or perfectly. You just do it. And you will. :)

Cheryl said...

You people are too awesome for words. Thank you! I was afraid I would be lectured to just be quiet, but you guys have only given me validation. Here's to the comraderie of women!! Huzzah!

And Sara, that is an EXCELLENT idea! Tell Nikki she's a genius and I will inform Brandon he'll be doing feet massaging tonight for 2 hours. We've done it before, but not nearly long enough, I'm thinking...

Rachel and Nathan Fisher said...

I'm guessing she'll try evening primrose oil, I've heard that is how midwives "induce" labor, and that it is very effective. Good luck! This too shall pass :)