Yesterday, my friend came over with dinner and did my dishes, swept my floor, vacuumed my living room, helped me fold laundry and talked with me for hours. (Thank you, Tami!)
My son came home exclaiming that he'd had the "best day, ever!" and when I apologized for my behavior that morning, he said, "Oh, that's okay, mom" and ran off to do his homework.
The cheesecake is gone (I ate it all), but for dinner I had massive amounts of salad and a green smoothie. Oh, and homemade hummus (so amazing! Again, thank you, Tami!) with bread.
Brandon massaged my ankles for a long time last night; it caused some contractions, but nothing permanent.
I slept really well all night.
FHE, although crazy and erratic (as usual), turned out pretty successful. I did the lesson on the Plan of Salvation --basically teaching the kids why we are here, where we came from --mostly because of the baby coming soon. I was impressed that our 5 year old knew pretty much all of it already!
Nothing has changed, really. I still cried for a while this morning (I told Brandon that it's just gotta be part of my routine now, or something), and I still have no energy to do things, but venting yesterday helped get it out and get me back on track. Even more than that, though, have been people's kind words. I want to share with you, dear reader, some things people have written to me (email, blogging, FB) throughout these last few weeks (I didn't ask permission before printing these, so I'm keeping them anonymous. If you are upset I used your message/comment, let me know and I'll take it down!):
"I actually happened to be thinking of you earlier today. It was while I was cracking the whip over my children when they were (supposed to be) doing their chores. I thought of your dedication to teaching your children to work, and it gave me just enough encouragement to not give up or give in. Then I thought about your pregnancy and your fabulous decision to birth at home. I thought about all your blog posts where you totally open yourself up and share your views on childbirth, breastfeeding, depression, and so on. I admire the courage and self-confidence it takes to say what you think and feel, no matter what anyone else may say. And I especially appreciate your humility in sharing your views -- never trying to impose them on us and never passing judgments on us if we don't share the same views."There have been many, many more words of encouragement and friendship --I wish I had the time to share them all. But thank you to everyone for being patient with me. I know I have a tendency to complain too often and then to apologize for complaining too often (like I am doing... right... now... ahem). I'm still not sure which is more annoying, but I am grateful to those who don't run away, despite my weakness for my tragic honesty and wearing my heart quite literally on my sleeve. Or elbow. Maybe my knee.
"Everything you're feeling is real, but it's also temporary. Just keep reminding yourself this is not permanent. It's a stage. Kids have bad stages; moms can too. Chances are pretty well stacked that within one week's time, you'll be past 75% of these challenges and on to some new ones. You'll do it. You don't HAVE to do it gracefully or beautifully or perfectly. You just do it. And you will. :) "
"Good venting session. It is good to release all that negativity that is building inside of you... I am glad you have a midwife that is taking good care of you. And just remember, it doesn't matter what others think. Your body will birth this baby one way or another and he will be just fine. No matter what happens, those who care about you will just be so happy that you finally have your little guy, that no one will be thinking about this or that. This is your time, so whatever it is you need to do, you do it. You will be in my prayers."
"I'm glad you take my comments without offense. I feel like when I read your blog that you and I have more in common than you realize. I have the same sort of self-talk that I see you expressing, yet I accomplish much less than you (so in a way, mine is sort of justified. . ha ha!). But I'm not trying to compare. We all have our demons, and mine come and attack me when I don't feel well. Because of my health problems, sometimes I have to slow down. This means I get less done but have more time to stress over it. So I start attacking myself. It's a vicious cycle. When I was sick on my mission, my mission president did something surprising. He told me (more like demanded) to take a nap after lunch every day. I was getting sick after eating because I was eating gluten and didn't know I was allergic, and I also have IBS. So he gave me permission to be sick. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to feel bad about taking some time to regroup. He often quoted that scripture I sent you, about not running faster than you have strength. So whenever I see someone picking on themselves about stuff like that, I get a little protective of them. Which is ironic because they are beating themselves up, so who am I protecting from whom? Ha, well, you know what I mean."
It's still snowing, by the way. It's really pretty, I won't lie. In fact, it's not really bothering me, as snow is wont to do, and this is surprising me. But really, how is it that something so cold and so inconvenient can be so beautiful?
Go ahead and apply that metaphor to my life.