All By My Lonesome

Well, kiddos, I did it this week! Here's the breakdown:

Monday:

*6-7AM --walking

*9-9:45AM --walking w/stroller

Tuesday:

*6:30-6:50AM --Pilates

*9-9:30PM --circuit training

Wednesday:

*6-7AM --walking/jogging

*8:50-9:40AM --walking w/stroller

Thursday:

*6:40-7AM --circuit training

*2:25-2:50PM --walking w/stroller

Friday:

*6-7AM --walking

*9-9:30AM --walking w/ stroller

I kept my "Today I will exercise" mentality, and it really helped! I just did it as it came. I didn't over think it. Over thinking in the past has helped me to crash and burn. For example, just an hour ago, I was pushing the kiddos in the stroller. My buddy didn't come with me this morning, and so I had an inward battle as I was heading down the street. Here's the inward battle:

"I should just turn right up here and go home. I have so much to do. I already walked this morning; why am I out here, what's the point?"

"But Cheryl, the hill is right there in front of you! Either turn left and make it longer, or go straight, down the hill, and make it harder. The hill is good for your heart, Cheryl! It's good!"

"But I'm so tired. I went to bed at midnight and was up with #4's nightmare at 2AM and #5's nightmare (or whatever) at 4:30AM and then got up at 5:40AM to walk! Don't I deserve to go back home, now? Especially since I'm walking alone? There's no enlightening conversation to keep me going!"

"What do you call this!?"

"Insanity."

"Oh. Right. Well, you should still take the hill!!"

And guess who won the battle, dear reader? When I got to the intersection, I went straight. Down. The. Hill.

I know, right??

It felt great to do something that would have been a no-brainer with a buddy, but was a difficult decision alone. Why is that? Why do I have so much motivation socially, but not much personally? I sometimes wonder if that is the weakness that was born with me, or if I suffered some kind of personal trauma as a kid --which, looking back, I did not. I had a pretty delightful childhood, dear reader. So, I'm guessing it's that weakness thing.

My whole weight loss journey --actually it should be journeys, because, dear reader, there have been several --is always about the lack of self-motivation. Honestly, though, who cares if I'm overweight? Do you care, dear reader? Do you? I'm guessing not. Do my kids? My hubby? My family? My neighbors? Does God love me less if I'm fat? NOPE. Yes, if I was severely obese, I could see how it could impede my relationships with people (especially my kids), but even in my overweightness, I can still play with my kids. I can still run down the street if I need to. I can climb ladders to take down Christmas lights and carry children on my back. I can push heavy grocery carts around Costco in a mad dash. I can hike, camp, climb stairs, etc. I'm not ugly, either. I can hide my flabbiness with long sleeves and good jeans and a great hoodie. I can.

And people still love me.

But what about myself? Do I love myself this way? Do I feel pretty? Do I feel healthy? The fact is that I do not have the confidence I feel I deserve or need when I'm overweight like this. I make decisions based on the fact that I try to HIDE my body. We could get into a discussion at this point as to why women should stop trying to be something they are not and to know they are beautiful no matter their size, etc. but I'm not talking about that kind of stuff. I'm talking about my lack of health due to my excess weight. Because let's face it --30 pounds of extra weight is NOT healthy, unless there's a baby in your belly!

So. The self-motivation thing. I'm beginning to realize that choosing to get healthy has to be a very personal choice. I have to choose to exercise when nobody is looking. I have to choose to eat right when it's hard. Nobody is going to do it for me. I think I've been waiting around for some miraculous friend to take me by the hand and train me and get me into shape --to give me the kick in the pants that I need to focus on getting healthy. I was hoping she would show up and teach my kids the importance of active, healthy lifestyles, and make sure I stop eating so many brownies (like I did last night). I think I've imagined that friend showing up, moving in, and becoming my lifeline so many times!

I just didn't realize that the miraculous friend was myself.