I finally watched last week's episode of The Biggest Loser. They talked a lot about setting goals and accomplishing them; about making the dreams a reality, about not making excuses. The parents also sacrificed themselves for their kids to make sure they could stay on the ranch. Usually, I would be motivated and inspired by such an episode. Instead, I just felt lousy.
When was the last time I truly sacrificed something for my children? No, I'm being honest here. Yeah, yeah, I gave them life and such, and most women would say I sacrificed my career --but you know what? I didn't sacrifice a career to be here --being a SAHM was always my goal. I never even HAD a career when I started having children. I hadn't even finished college, yet. I didn't even WORK my last year of college. So, the career thing is NA for me. Not. Applicable. Not a sacrifice. Doesn't feel like one, either.
Have I sacrificed travel? I would say not. In the course of one year I will have traveled (overnight) to China, New Mexico, Salt Lake City, San Francisco, Philadelphia, Hawaii, and Portland --all WITHOUT my children. Not a sacrifice.
Have I sacrificed my time? Nope. I'm always reading, watching, typing, talking, book clubbing, girl's-night-out-going... I tend to spend an inordinate amount of time on myself. I don't read to my kids unless it's on the homework list. I don't play with them unless everything else is "done." I tend to tolerate.
Have I sacrificed possible dreams? For now, probably. But I still seem to find the time to successfully decorate the home, plan the garden, write the poetry, travel the world, hike the mountains, etc.
So, where is the sacrifice for my children? Am I doing all that I can? I don't believe I am. I really don't. It was kind of a slap in the face for me last night, and usually I really like slaps in the face. I enjoy chastisement because I know I'll try harder. But I wondered --will I? In this case, will I try harder? I want to want it. I mean, I want to want to try, you know? But I can't change all at once. That's impossible. But where do I start? How do I start? How can I show my kids that I truly love them, their ideas, their goals, their dreams? How do I start to sacrifice myself for them??
The other part that made me feel awful was the goal setting part. Usually, again, this is motivational. But it wasn't --I just felt like a hypocrite. My goal of being a Nutritarian is a big joke. My goal of walking is also laughable (although last week I did get 12 miles!). My goal of losing just 20 pounds is failing --because I'm NOT DOING IT. I have these goals, but what am I doing to accomplish them? Noth.Ing.
Luckily for me, my buddy wrote me with the same problem. We've decided to start a Google Doc's food journal together to track what we eat so we're accountable to each other. Once she gets back from vacation, we're going to go for broke, man! I hope it will help.
But there is a silver lining to all of this (you know me, how could I not have a silver lining?): I realized that my goals may not be the main focus of my life right now, but the sacrificing for my kids needs to be. And what better sacrifice for my kids than my goals of health, right?
WRONG, dear reader. DEAD wrong. Sacrificing our health in the name of "our children" is a total lie. Our children need us to be healthy; they need us to be their examples. So, the real silver lining is that I'm just going to keep trying.
What else can I do? And do you have any ways I could jump-start my motherhood? How do you sacrifice for your kids?