Friday, February 18, 2011

Shower Therapy

Since I'm not in therapy right now, I use my shower time as my therapy time. I probably use up too much hot water, but I feel it's a trade-off for what therapist would cost me financially. Plus, it's the only semi-quiet place in my life; there are no children (usually) whining at me, I can ignore the phone, and the water keeps noise contained.

While I'm in there, pondering my existence, my past, present, future, praying and asking God to help me learn what I'm supposed to learn from my most recent quandary, I often see myself from a 3rd party perspective. Not an out-of-body perspective --more like the ability to truly be objective as to my motives, my feelings, and my actions. Quite often I'm surprised at how well I'm able to learn about myself.

The sad part is how easy it has become to see why I feel the way I do about so many different things in my life. I'm learning WHY I react/behave/feel the way I do, and it's kind of scary. It's also very liberating, because then I can see that not only am I broken, but I am normal. Everybody's broken. We all sin, we all face challenges, we all have weakness and pain. Frankly, we all need the Atonement of Christ to get through it, too.

When I hit what I call "a-ha!" points in my self-therapy, I sense that most of what I suffer comes from my own brokenness. Outside influences only go so far --and since I'm an optimist at heart, I can't see that I would be overly upset my others' actions towards me. Of course, I've never been abused. That, I'm sure, would make things a tad different, eh? My meaning in this, dear reader, is that I've discovered how my own insecurities, my own passions, my own desires, and my own emotions have been the cause of untoward actions, stress, and suffering --of myself.

Looking back on my life, I see how my selfishness has truly hurt people, and now, coming around, it has hurt me just as much. The regret I feel in how I've treated people in the past (and in the present) is palpable. And the worst part? In my effort to alleviate my own pain, I have attempted/thought about/almost made it worse by wanting to reach out and "fix it." But by "fixing" it, I know I will only cause more trouble, pain, etc. The biggest irony? I'm wanting to "fix it" so that I can feel better about myself. The truth is that it's all my own selfishness. I can't stand the thought of anyone thinking ill of me. It's almost the worst form of arrogance because it's not founded in wanting to serve people --it's founded in wanting to serve my own peace of mind.

A good friend listened to me drone on about this for a few hours and she told me that I just need to let it go. She is right. I do need to let it go. And so now my shower therapy sessions include prayers for help to do just that --to find the strength to forgive myself, move on, and be okay without closure or resolve. I need to find a way to live in my present and not my past. I need to find a way to be okay with not being loved by all or seen as good by all. I need to move on.

And now I need a quote. I seem to need these a lot, lately! Ah, here's one:

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.
~ Anonymous


Cristy said...

I use the shower as therapy time too! And I also call it my Hawaii time, since I can't go to Hawaii...

Julie P said...

The paragraph you had starting with "looking back on my life" is where I've been at for a month-ish now. Hard place to be. But you have to trust you are using the Savior's atonement to heal yourself, and that He will also apply it to heal the hurts that might have been done to others (so you don't have to reopen the wound). Your friend gave you great advice, too. love ya.

Anonymous said...

You have such wise friends. And I'm sure you're just as therapeutic for them as they are for you.

m_and_m said...

What a powerful post, friend.

I love my shower, too. I call it my revelation chamber. :)

Alison Wonderland said...

I just like the feel of the hot water, is that so wrong?

No, everyone is not going to like you (although in your case I can't see why not) but hey, I like you so I'm pretty sure you still come out ahead.

blogging and bliss~ said...

Learning to accept that is hard. I have that problem a lot. In moving this past year I felt that the ward didn't reach out enough to me and my family. I actually felt shunned and that I had offended them in some way. I have come to the conclusion I was feeling those feelings cause I wanted to. I have chosen to go back to who I was and reach out and be nice to others. They are who they are. I can not change that. But by letting that get to me I changed who I was and it made me unhappy. Being who you are really meant to be is what make you and Heavenly Father happy. It is so simple that we screw it up. Thanks for your thoughts they help me organize mine better.