While I'm in there, pondering my existence, my past, present, future, praying and asking God to help me learn what I'm supposed to learn from my most recent quandary, I often see myself from a 3rd party perspective. Not an out-of-body perspective --more like the ability to truly be objective as to my motives, my feelings, and my actions. Quite often I'm surprised at how well I'm able to learn about myself.
The sad part is how easy it has become to see why I feel the way I do about so many different things in my life. I'm learning WHY I react/behave/feel the way I do, and it's kind of scary. It's also very liberating, because then I can see that not only am I broken, but I am normal. Everybody's broken. We all sin, we all face challenges, we all have weakness and pain. Frankly, we all need the Atonement of Christ to get through it, too.
When I hit what I call "a-ha!" points in my self-therapy, I sense that most of what I suffer comes from my own brokenness. Outside influences only go so far --and since I'm an optimist at heart, I can't see that I would be overly upset my others' actions towards me. Of course, I've never been abused. That, I'm sure, would make things a tad different, eh? My meaning in this, dear reader, is that I've discovered how my own insecurities, my own passions, my own desires, and my own emotions have been the cause of untoward actions, stress, and suffering --of myself.
Looking back on my life, I see how my selfishness has truly hurt people, and now, coming around, it has hurt me just as much. The regret I feel in how I've treated people in the past (and in the present) is palpable. And the worst part? In my effort to alleviate my own pain, I have attempted/thought about/almost made it worse by wanting to reach out and "fix it." But by "fixing" it, I know I will only cause more trouble, pain, etc. The biggest irony? I'm wanting to "fix it" so that I can feel better about myself. The truth is that it's all my own selfishness. I can't stand the thought of anyone thinking ill of me. It's almost the worst form of arrogance because it's not founded in wanting to serve people --it's founded in wanting to serve my own peace of mind.
A good friend listened to me drone on about this for a few hours and she told me that I just need to let it go. She is right. I do need to let it go. And so now my shower therapy sessions include prayers for help to do just that --to find the strength to forgive myself, move on, and be okay without closure or resolve. I need to find a way to live in my present and not my past. I need to find a way to be okay with not being loved by all or seen as good by all. I need to move on.
And now I need a quote. I seem to need these a lot, lately! Ah, here's one:
Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.