I'm feeling very irritated and annoyed with the world in general right now. I'm not sure why. I don't think it's PMS time, nor am I feeling overly Depressed. The same stuff I put up with is still happening, and I've accepted that my house will never stay clean or orderly, despite outside help. I also realize that I can't say no to every possible proposal for "work" that comes my way --I do have to leave the house sometimes. Even in the winter, dang it!

So, why am I so annoyed? I feel like my everyday pet peeves are looming larger in my brain; I seriously feel like hitting people over the head and yelling, "HELLO!?!?" and then laugh maniacally and run away when I see their surprised look.

Have you ever had one of those times when you hope people will stop being your friend and leave you alone so you can just drown in your own misery? No? Okay, that does sound a little macabre... let me describe it differently. Have you ever felt too tired to catch up? Too tired to care about whose-its and what's-its and such-and-such-a-person? It's almost like a reversal --you reject me, so I reject you, but not quite that dramatic. And the crazy part? I'm not even really talking about anyone or anything specific. It's so insane!

People thank me constantly for being too honest on this blog. I appreciate that you appreciate that. I do. But I have to be honest with you (haha!) and let you know that I'm not always perfectly honest with you. For example, my relationship with in-laws is off limits here. My personal relationship with my spouse is also off limits. This is because I do have a sense of propriety and the choices of other people. I don't broadcast every little thing I'm thinking/feeling --I truly do have an edit button in my brain, and, apparently, my fingers. I tread lightly at times because I do not like to hurt feelings. Or gossip (much). Most of the gut-wrenching honesty on here has to do with how I'm feeling and very rarely is the whole picture shared if it includes other people.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, I also don't like to look like a total loser with psychotic tendencies. The irony of this is that I AM a total loser with psychotic tendencies. Now STOP! Don't you dare start typing some lame comment about how I'm so totally awesome and I should stop putting myself down because you know what, dear reader? I LIKE being a total loser with psychotic tendencies. It gives me reason to vent. It gives me hope for something better. It also makes me empathize with all of the total losers with psychotic tendencies who read this blog. And yeah, sometimes it's nice to hear someone tell me I'm better than I think I am, but really? Honestly? I'm not. I'm more losery and psychotic than you even know. Because I live with me, and you, dear reader (if you're still reading), don't. So, you know. But not really. See?

Therefore, truthfully, I'm telling you about my desire to cut off all ties with humanity and move up to the mountains (like Heidi, which I may or may not have watched recently with my oldest child) because I don't know why I feel this way. I'm tired of ignorance. I'm tired of people slacking off. I'm tired of not being able to do everything all at once, which, I know --I KNOW, I KNOW!! --is not possible. But so what?? I want to bemoan my inability to be perfect for a little bit. What would be even better is the ability to switch off my desire for perfection and replace it with the desire to be realistic. Not a "I'll never reach perfection in this life so I might as well quit now" button, but a button that some people have where they can realistically set small goals and not worry about the big picture.

I have huge lists in my brain of the things I'm not doing right, not getting done, and not trying. I think I have the ability to imagine myself doing amazing things --you know, like finding the perfect chore chart, or actually planting those dang seeds --and I can see myself accomplishing them. I honestly can see myself achieving my dreams. But then I try to do it, and I fail. And this isn't a "oh, I didn't get it on the first try" type of failing --it's the constant, consistent inability to even START to try. How can I get there if I can't even begin, hmmm???

I'm like those OCD people who can't start anything unless they know they can finish it. I see my office and I think, "This will take YEARS to clean out. I can't start this. I have no time." or I see the seeds and I think "This will take at least a day. I cant' start this. I have no time." or, or, or...

Bleh. Whatever.

In other news, I'm hosting a birthday party for #2 in 2 hours and I need to feed the kids dinner RIGHT NOW. So, I should do that. And stop whining.

You're welcome!