Friday, February 11, 2011

I'm feeling very irritated and annoyed with the world in general right now. I'm not sure why. I don't think it's PMS time, nor am I feeling overly Depressed. The same stuff I put up with is still happening, and I've accepted that my house will never stay clean or orderly, despite outside help. I also realize that I can't say no to every possible proposal for "work" that comes my way --I do have to leave the house sometimes. Even in the winter, dang it!

So, why am I so annoyed? I feel like my everyday pet peeves are looming larger in my brain; I seriously feel like hitting people over the head and yelling, "HELLO!?!?" and then laugh maniacally and run away when I see their surprised look.

Have you ever had one of those times when you hope people will stop being your friend and leave you alone so you can just drown in your own misery? No? Okay, that does sound a little macabre... let me describe it differently. Have you ever felt too tired to catch up? Too tired to care about whose-its and what's-its and such-and-such-a-person? It's almost like a reversal --you reject me, so I reject you, but not quite that dramatic. And the crazy part? I'm not even really talking about anyone or anything specific. It's so insane!

People thank me constantly for being too honest on this blog. I appreciate that you appreciate that. I do. But I have to be honest with you (haha!) and let you know that I'm not always perfectly honest with you. For example, my relationship with in-laws is off limits here. My personal relationship with my spouse is also off limits. This is because I do have a sense of propriety and the choices of other people. I don't broadcast every little thing I'm thinking/feeling --I truly do have an edit button in my brain, and, apparently, my fingers. I tread lightly at times because I do not like to hurt feelings. Or gossip (much). Most of the gut-wrenching honesty on here has to do with how I'm feeling and very rarely is the whole picture shared if it includes other people.

Does that make sense?

Anyway, I also don't like to look like a total loser with psychotic tendencies. The irony of this is that I AM a total loser with psychotic tendencies. Now STOP! Don't you dare start typing some lame comment about how I'm so totally awesome and I should stop putting myself down because you know what, dear reader? I LIKE being a total loser with psychotic tendencies. It gives me reason to vent. It gives me hope for something better. It also makes me empathize with all of the total losers with psychotic tendencies who read this blog. And yeah, sometimes it's nice to hear someone tell me I'm better than I think I am, but really? Honestly? I'm not. I'm more losery and psychotic than you even know. Because I live with me, and you, dear reader (if you're still reading), don't. So, you know. But not really. See?

Therefore, truthfully, I'm telling you about my desire to cut off all ties with humanity and move up to the mountains (like Heidi, which I may or may not have watched recently with my oldest child) because I don't know why I feel this way. I'm tired of ignorance. I'm tired of people slacking off. I'm tired of not being able to do everything all at once, which, I know --I KNOW, I KNOW!! --is not possible. But so what?? I want to bemoan my inability to be perfect for a little bit. What would be even better is the ability to switch off my desire for perfection and replace it with the desire to be realistic. Not a "I'll never reach perfection in this life so I might as well quit now" button, but a button that some people have where they can realistically set small goals and not worry about the big picture.

I have huge lists in my brain of the things I'm not doing right, not getting done, and not trying. I think I have the ability to imagine myself doing amazing things --you know, like finding the perfect chore chart, or actually planting those dang seeds --and I can see myself accomplishing them. I honestly can see myself achieving my dreams. But then I try to do it, and I fail. And this isn't a "oh, I didn't get it on the first try" type of failing --it's the constant, consistent inability to even START to try. How can I get there if I can't even begin, hmmm???

I'm like those OCD people who can't start anything unless they know they can finish it. I see my office and I think, "This will take YEARS to clean out. I can't start this. I have no time." or I see the seeds and I think "This will take at least a day. I cant' start this. I have no time." or, or, or...

Bleh. Whatever.

In other news, I'm hosting a birthday party for #2 in 2 hours and I need to feed the kids dinner RIGHT NOW. So, I should do that. And stop whining.

You're welcome!


Rachel Holtkamp said...

From one total loser with psychotic tendencies to another: Your feelings are totally valid. There's nothing wrong with having those feelings. Yes, we all feel inadequate, and like we can't do everything. But here's my philosophy: meh! Let me have those days and those feelings! I have other great days, too! Why does every day have to be perfect? I mean, I (and you can put your name in here, too) live a FANTASTIC life! I have an awesome family, that has its flaws, just like all other families, some just hide it better than others. I have a fantastic, yet sometimes thankless job (me, a teacher. You, a mom). But life gets tedious. I can't do everything and be everywhere, and be the perfect teacher (mom) that everyone loves all the time. Yet, I know I'm making a difference in someone's life (you, it's your children), and that's what I am choosing to focus on. Meh! So what if you don't have time to plant those seeds because you're hosting your daughter's birthday party? So what if you don't have time to reunite with your college roommies because you need to do something else? (J/K-I will come and find you if this doesn't happen ;) ). So what if you fail at something? You've succeeded in other things! Name them now. I dare you! Do it, NOW! I'll wait...
Ok, so I don't think I made sense at all here, when all I wanted to say is to go ahead and feel the way that you do. Just don't KEEP feeling that way. You ARE awesome. I know it because I can sense it in your children's smiles, and the way I've seen your kids around you. You have flaws and they still love you despite those flaws!
You talked about setting small goals: Set one now: Plant ONE seed. See if you can do that. You can, I know it!
Ok, I could ramble some more, but I'm done. Have a FANTASTIC weekend and a FANTASTIC Valentine's!

sariqd said...

But! But! But! Okay, I won't say how awesome I think you are. Darn it.

I have psychotic, neurotic tendencies... and I'm good with that. It gives me something to grab onto in this strange place called earth. Way better than being filled with fluff.

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Darn, I guess I better unpack my mule and scrap my plans to move up to the mountains like Heidi...or maybe you and I could share the ride?

Regarding this paragraph:
"Most of the gut-wrenching honesty on here has to do with how I'm feeling and very rarely is the whole picture shared if it includes other people.
Does that make sense?"
Yes, it makes sense to me, because that is my blogging experience to a T! Only a few people know my real story, the one that doesn't get printed...

And I also get the OCD goal thing. It's not because we don't realize how ineffective our perfectionism is, (we are completely aware of how we sabotage ourselves), but unlike those NBC ads, knowing ISN'T half the battle. ;)

Cardalls said...

I too hate to start a project and know I won't finish it! We are doing a mini home makeover right now and it is driving me INSANE because we're going on a month now and it is at least 2 more weeks and my house is in shambles and I have given up cleaning and so the mess is making me crazy.... point is i GET it and glad to read that someone else feels the same way!

Bex said...

Suck it up and kwitcherbichen.

There, is that enough non-coddling? I think we all to through times like you describe. It just feels more looming since you have some little humans dependent on you. But if you can find some time to just wallow in it take it!

I've told people before that I'm in hermit mode and can't drag myself out to stuff. They all get it because they've all been there. (((HUGS)))

Amanda D said...

So...what did you do for the birthday party? My daughter will be 8 (EEEE!!!!) in a couple weeks and I need to plan the party. Yesterday. But I didn't, so today will have to do. Shoot me any ideas you have! Thanks.

Oh, and..I love you!

Cheryl said...

Love you people. LOVE YOU.

And thank you. <3

Alison Wonderland said...

I love love love the part about not being willing to start something you don't have time to finish. I am completely incapable of starting things I can't finish. I have days, lots of days lately, where I'm caught up on my homework and the kids don't really need me and I don't have a ton to do but do I start a novel? Nope, Because those things take months to write and I don't have months, I just have a day so I just go find a book to read instead.

Anne Marie said...

Absolutely loved this post.

Embrace the madness. Embrace the imperfections. Embrace the raw, jagged edges. We've all got them. Yes, yes, even that little perfect, smiley mom sitting in front of you...yes, I know because everyone thinks I'm that mom....and I can't tell you how much is brewing inside my brain and my heart and how some weeks I show up to church and think, "can I just run from all the drama that flows from the women who are here?"...but few people know that I yell sometimes and that sometimes I feel like packing my bags and taking a very long vacation to Paris or some other exotic location.

Just a side note...have you ever read the book Mother Styles? Love it. A mothering personality book that helped me understand why I can do some things so naturally as a mama and why other things feel like I'm slower than molasses.

Best wishes to you. Yes, your blog is read because you share bits of your soul and don't mind sharing something other than the nice, rosy parts.

BTW, January and February are the pits.