I started taking Zoloft in September. It made me numb. Numb to the spirit, to sex, to joy, to despair. The numbness to the despair was awesome. I was actually functional again! I didn't cry in the shower anymore! Much! But it was awful, too. Especially the intimacy part (sorry if that was TMI). So, back to the psychiatrist I did go. Now I'm on Wellbutrin as well as the Zoloft and it has helped. The only problem I'm seeing now is I tend to get a little too giddy.
The other thing I've noticed is that my writing has slowly gotten worse since I started taking it. My prose is getting lost in the lapses of memory, as well as in any attempt I make to string a sentence or two together.
All in all, I'm okay. But how do I feel about my medication?
I hate it.
I hate that I have to be taking medication. I hate that the one medication didn't just work the first time. I hate how I feel when I forget to take it. I hate how I feel when I do take it. I hate all of it. I wish I didn't have this problem. I wish it would just go away.
Depression is real, and I get it. Oh, how I get it. In truth, I prefer being on meds now rather than in the pit of despair then. I snap out of anger faster now. I get things done. I don't wallow like I used to. I cry for no reason less. But at the same time, medication feels fake. It feels like I'm putting a band-aid on it.
This is exactly what my awesome MIL told me would happen, too. She knows about this stuff (from experience) and she told me that in order to get healthy I need to do a few things:
1. Be on medication for a year or more to get everything working again.
2. Go to therapy in order to learn and practice skills that will help me cope with the stress-triggers that bring on the "episodes."
3. Reduce the stress-triggers!
I've done #1 and I've done #3. I haven't been able to go back to do #2, yet, but I'm trying another route right now until I can: Books. And friends. And the Gospel. Call me crazy (haha!), but reading books has helped. Reducing the stress has been fantastic. Planting my garden has been a dream come true (which wasn't in the list, but stay with me). Staying the course when it comes to the Gospel has blessed me beyond belief. My faith is stronger now than it ever has been, even though life is crazy. In fact, here's the cliche: I can't imagine my life without my faith. For some, that may sound trite. For others, offensive. For some, typical. But for me, it's truth.
Anyway, there you have it. My update. Or going-on-date. Or still-happening-but-not-as-bad-as-it-was-date. And by my standards, I guess I'm doing okay. In fact, one may say I'm actually happy.
Isn't that nuts?!