Psychiatrists are not scary. Nor are they weird. Or old. Well, I'm sure some of them are old, but mine is not. I did comment to a friend that it was strange speaking to a "wise doctor" who was probably my age. Although he could have a been a few years older, but honestly, guys my age can be doctors now! Not only can they be doctors, but they can be doctors who have been practicing (as in "graduated") for a while, too. For several years, in fact!
Maybe I'm just the one gettin' old.
Anyway, I went to see my psychiatrist on Friday. We spoke for almost an hour and we went over my entire health history: physical, mental, emotional, etc. We focused on the mental (go figure) and after he described Depression in detail, I was relieved to see that Yep! I've got it! Why? Because it was something finally real. It was no longer the self-diagnosed problems I tried to cure with exercise and diet (although those are very good things and I'm actually under orders to figure out a way to fit exercise into my life even though I have absolutely no time to fit exercise into my life but I better do it because it's doctor's orders! Head doctor, yes, but doctor none the less); this was the real deal. I have Depression.
And it's NOT post-partum depression.
Nope. I have the real thing. The "lasts longer than a few weeks (more like months) and didn't truly go away during pregnancy or after-birth or before-birth or with therapy or without therapy even though I did have periods of happiness, because that's what Depression does; it ebbs and flows but sticks around and gets worse until you are wallowing in it all the time and thus the need to get some help before it sucks you into the vortex of never-ending hopelessness."
I've got it.
So...anyway...I'm already on Zoloft. I started out at 25mg with a prescription my midwife gave me about a month ago. It wasn't doin' too much (although some frustration and/or anger subsided), so with her permission, I upped it to 50mg after 2 weeks. My shrink (and fyi --I say "shrink" with love and respect) thinks I should stay on 50mg for a month and then go back to see him, marking my progress or my non-progress along the way. That's where I am.
Exciting, ain't it?
Here's something REALLY cool, though. My awesome buddy m&m gave me a book last night (well, technically, she gave me about 9 books, hooray!), and one of them was by Michael McLean. You know the guy --he writes all those churchy songs that make us cry. Anyway, his book is called Hold On, the Light Will Come: And Other Lessons My Songs Have Taught Me and in it was a song he has never written down or published, but these are the words (they made me laugh and then cry. See? Told you he makes people cry. Even the ones who make fun of him in public but secretly listen to his music in private --don't try to deny it!):
"Something's Broken In My Brain and Only Pills Can Fix It"
Something's broken in my brain
And only pills can fix it.
I fought this thing for years in vain,
Believing I could lick it.
I tried and failed and felt so weak;
It made me quite the cynic.
And then I heard the heavens speak:
"Mike, get thee to a clinic."
I thought that meant the clinic
For my own immortal soul,
So I trudged down to a church to wait
For God to make me whole.
Then something happened then and there
That came as quite a shocker:
I heard the voice of God say, "Mike,
I meant get thee to a doctor."
"But you're the God of heaven and earth,
My King, my Lord, my Master.
Why not just heal me here and now?
It's cheaper and it's faster."
He paused so long I thought He'd gone,
And then, in all His glory,
He shared an insight that will be
The moral of my story.
He said, "I whispered to some scientists who couldn't see
The one who guided their research was none other than me.
You see, I know you wonder
If I hear prayers when you say them.
Well, I've heard all your cries for help
Long before you pray them."
Here's to pills!
Up next --Therapy. As in, I need to get that therapist, stat, not that my next post will be about therapists...