Sunday, July 09, 2006

Conquering Myself

This picture is old. Well, old as in outdated. You can tell because #3 over there in my right arm is almost 2 years old now.

We have another family picture that was taken last June, but I don't have the heart to post it. I'm not going to lie and say it is a bad picture, because it's actually kind of nice. The five of us in our cliched white shirts with jeans in an Aspen forest, sitting on a fallen's almost too nice. Except for one thing: FAT CHERYL

I have come to grips in the last few months that changing the way I feel about myself is not going to be an easy thing. I have also come to the conclusion that sitting around whining about it doesn't work either. Hence WW and running my 5K. Losing what I have so far really has changed my life tremendously. I'm not anywhere near where I was post-baby #1 (seriously, I was hot), but I am much thinner now than I was one year ago, when the Aspen-tree picture was taken.

What surprises me the most is how much I let others influence my thoughts about myself. I see beautiful women everywhere. The single college girls don't bother me. I mean, I used to be one of them, right? And what are the chances that they will become like me? Pretty good --statistically speaking. It's the women that have more than 2 children that are thin, beautiful, dress amazingly well and yet still seem to have time to do everything else. And THAT my friends, is the rub.

TIME. Time to love me. Time to take care of me. I forget that taking the time to take care of my body can do nothing but help my children. Case in point: Imagine, if you will, me coming home from Canada. I'm tired, my house is a disaster area (how did that happen in 3 minutes?), and I can't think coherently for more than 10 seconds at a time. So how do I spend the next 8 days? SITTING ON THE COUCH. WATCHING TV. SITTING THERE. WATCHING. I'm serious! Have I ever felt more guilty? Have I ever felt more gross? Have I ever felt more depressed? (okay, yes --postpartum was worse.) And have I ever wanted to just scream and start over? You would think, that after running that 5K and getting into the groove of health that I would be unstoppable. Oh, no people! Satan knows when to strike, and that is when you are tired and weak. And how does this help my children? That they are being ignored while I watch another re-run of Gilmore Girls? How does it help them that mommy is a zombie and doesn't really feel like opening up that can of Ravioli? How? How? HOW!?!?!?!

So today, I resolve to begin again. Yes! I shall conquer my demons and shall put away my lazy lifestyle. The TV will remain off for 90% of the day (can't punish the kids, too, now can we?) and I will begin my exercising with J again. Does it matter that DH has Scout Camp and will be gone all week? No! I shall find a stalwart YW in my ward who needs a little cash that like to babysit at 6AM! Does it matter that I haven't run since the 5K? No! I shall conquer my fears and shall be as I was! Does it matter that my children have been enjoying too much independence and might not like a mother who is around? No! They will learn to love it!


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