Monday, February 08, 2016

Just Writing Out the Stress So I Won't Forget I Can Do Hard Things

Glimpse into what my life has been like for the last few weeks. Months? Anyway:

Monday morning at 3:45AM, husband leaves for airport. Depending upon the week, I will drive him, he will drive himself, or he'll have an uber pick him up. Just depends on our schedule and my exhaustion. Airport is only about 30 minutes away, so it's not too bad.
At 5:40AM, I get up, wake up the 12 (almost 13!) year old to go sleep on my bed so she's near the baby, grab some shoes and a coat and head out the door with our oldest. It takes about 10 minutes to drive her to seminary (not bad), and then 10 minutes back (of course). When I get back, #2 takes a shower and I usually nurse #7.
6:30AM, I wake up the kids for scriptures and prayers
All kids are gone by 8:10AM. Unless it's cello lesson day, and I drive the boys a bit later to school.
Then, depending on what's going on, I have the following daily: dishes, laundry, cat throw-up (okay, not every day, but he is getting older), errands, purging, cleaning, diapers, practicing the piano, nursings, tantrums, and food prep/cleanup. I also have commitments like doctor or dental appointments, visiting teaching, playgroup, service (watching kids or delivering things), and grocery shopping. And way too much time online. Because I get overwhelmed, shut down, procrastinate, and... anyway...
Kids start coming home at 2:45PM. From then until bedtime (between 8:30 and 9:30PM) it is homework, chores, dinner, last-minute errands, and chaos. Once everyone is in bed, I go to bed because who has time or the energy to stay up watching TV?!

Mondays, we have FHE in the evening. Tuesdays, we all drive to the church for mutual/scouts (we leave at 6:20PM and get home at 9:20ish PM). Wednesdays and Thursdays are great because we usually don't have evening commitments and so the kids can do chores and homework.
On Friday, I go and pick up Brandon at the airport (unless he drove) at 8PM and we have a quick dinner date afterwards.
Saturdays have been insane because there's always something going on. Recently there's been a play, a youth activity, temple day, birthday parties, and me trying to utilize my husband's presence while organizing the house. Soon there will be a fundraiser and all the parties (see below).
Sundays, my husband is gone to church by 6:30AM. Unless we have early choir practice, the kids and I don't have to be there until just before church starts (which is at 10AM). After church there is usually choir practice, or ward potluck. This month we've had/will have: Youth BYC and BYD and choir practice, ward potluck, feeding the Elders, and then... nothing! Whoah! Whoo-hoo! We might have a Sunday evening completely free! Huzzah!

And in the midst of all of this, Brandon and I are trying to buy a house, I'm trying to purge and clean our current house, I'm working with movers, trying to solidify moving dates, keep the baby from danger (she's almost walking and getting into everything!), try to be a semi-okay visiting teacher (I really suck at this), keep a marriage relationship going, try not to offend everyone I know (this is getting harder because apparently I am an offensive person), not emotionally damage my children too much (sigh), and celebrate FIVE birthdays. That's right! FIVE. #4 turns 9 today! #2 turns 13 on Thursday! #7 turns 1 on the 23rd! I turn 37 on the 26th! #6 turns 4 on March 2nd! I'm also throwing three parties --one for #2, one for #4, and goodbye party for #1. And hosting my mother and sister for about a week (which is really great because they are coming to help me! Yay!).

And if that wasn't enough, I volunteered (gladly) to play a piano solo in Sacrament Meeting this coming Sunday. I will admit this doesn't scare me too much --I love that I have an excuse to sit and practice the piano for a bit. I don't get to play very often at home...

Aaaaaand I've been forgetting so many things. I've been forgetting to call people back, answer texts, be a good friend, etc. etc. etc. --I feel like I'm letting everybody down.

Oh, and my cell phone died.

Yesterday, I finally let it all get to me. I was rude, tired, angry, crazy, awful, mean, short, sarcastic, weepy, and just down, down, down. I was done. My language, my attitude, and even my body was rebelling all over the place. I was yelling, screaming, crying, muttering, and whatever else a person does when they are over everything, and my poor family had to bear the brunt of it.

But, dear reader, how could I not be so frustrated? I've been running ragged for months. Just the fact that Brandon has been gone 4-5 days every single week (except Christmas) since the beginning of September is enough to make life difficult. Add in all of the above and, well... I think I deserve a moment to murmur a bit.

But I think I'm finished with the murmuring. I don't like who I am when I give into the stress and I don't like how I treat other people. I love my friends and neighbors and ward members, I adore my husband, I treasure my children, and I love myself! I think I'm pretty great. I've been praying a lot this morning to eradicate self-pity and to be given the strength to get through this move one day at a time. Therefore and soforth and whatwith, I will do my best to stay strong, tell satan to go back to hell, and I'm going to try to enjoy (as much as possible) these last few months in Pennsylvania. I don't want people to be glad to see me go. ;)

Wish me luck.

P.S. Sometimes, I've been told that the solution to my stress is to just start saying "No" to everything, not realizing that I say "No way" to a lot of things already. I don't volunteer in my children's schools (like, at all), my kids don't take lessons or do sports outside of school, I only say "yes" to inquiries for help when I want to do it, and my house is a constant mess. If I started to say "No" to what is left, I would have a really crappy life. I chose to have these kids and marry the man I did. And we're choosing a new situation that will give us a better family life at this point! Moving to Kansas might be difficult (every move is hard), but the pros outweigh the cons by a landslide --just having my husband home for dinner every night will be enough.

1 comment:

Linda Liebhardt said...

So happy to hear about the successful house hunt!