Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Time is Elusive

I was reading through my blog last week with the kids, showing them pictures from when they were little, watching the videos I had taken of them being just adorable, and I noticed something. I used to be really funny! This blog was full of angst, humor, observations, spirituality, friendship, and... well, everything. I was witty, even when I wasn't always smart. I was smart, even when I wasn't always kind. I was kind, even when I wasn't always witty. Anyway, it's interesting to me how the "death of blogs" has really transpired over time, and how even my writing reflects this. I'm also older and bit less confident because I realize the eternal truth we all eventually realize, which is called, "I honestly don't know nearly as much as thought I did."

I hope it doesn't mean I've become more cynical, though. I've always been able to see the humor in a lot of things and I don't want to lose that! Maybe I should tell a joke.... umm, maybe not... Ooh! My house right now is a joke! Ha! Haha! Sigh...

Anyway, here's what's been going on lately:

*Had our first snowfall! It lasted one evening and was gone before noon the next day. It's bitterly cold, but not cold enough for sticking-to-the-ground snow. And after two days of cold rain (and I mean cold and pouring), it's nice to have sunshine. Cold sunshine, but sunshine, nonetheless!

*Removed a tick from the cat last night (that was creepy). We felt horrible because we've been great at the tick repellent on him this last summer, but got lazy about it as it's been colder. The tick was on his head (poor kitty) and alive and huge (because it was full), and I think I got all of it. Brandon held him down while I pulled it out. Btw --cats don't like to be held down while you rip things out of their heads! In case that wasn't an obvious conclusion.

*The last few weeks have been really stressful for me. I had some anxiety attacks this past weekend, but I'm doing much better today. We are just so busy with everything --and even then, it's not much. Maybe it feels like more because everything is so far away? Or maybe it really is a lot? The truth is, I can't even remember everything we do because I have to focus day-to-day. And my pregnant brain (i.e. memory) is getting worse.

*I've been working on getting Christmas finished. Started? Middle-ized. I've purchased things and I've planned the homemade things (just gotta figure out when to make everything when I only have #6 with me. Or after the kids go to bed...). This year we will not be sending Christmas cards (I usually send nearly 400 every year!), because I've decided to wait until after the baby and send something in March. Baby announcement/Easter cards? Plus, we have not had family pictures taken this year (odd for me, I know). I also think that will be better --we'll take them next summer/fall after baby girl is with us and make sure not to skip cards for Christmas 2015. Not doing the cards will save me some stress and I can focus on the gifts for family/friends, too. I'm actually really excited about it because I'm organized this year! Here's our Christmas card from last year --sorry it's so blurry. I believe in simplicity, so it's always pretty this simple (with a small paper with the highlights of our year). Costco is the man!

*We're having some friends over for Thanksgiving! We thought about traveling for it (and had some invitations), but with Brandon's work schedule and all the church things we need to do, we decided that hosting it and inviting some local friends to come would be a better option. I'm looking forward to it! I can't believe it's next week already. Holy cow!

*I've been doing the Gratitude month on Facebook. That means each day I've been listing what I'm grateful for. Here are the first 18 things:
Day 1: Autumn (the colors, the falling leaves, the pumpkin desserts, the smells, the crisp air --everything about it!)
Day 2: Rain ("Some people feel the rain — others just get wet." ~Roger Miller)
Day 3: Chocolate. Halloween chocolate. Children's Halloween chocolate!
Day 4: The freedom I have, as a woman, to vote!
 Day 5: I'm grateful for rubbermaid bins that have now transformed my basement and will forever and ever protect all of my decorations (I'm still trying to figure out why I waited 15 years to transfer everything from boxes to bins).
Day 6: I'm thankful for Relief Society! It doesn't matter where I go or where I live in the entire world --I'm a part of a worldwide women's organization that exists simply to learn, to serve others, and to follow Christ.
Day 7: Today I am grateful for the beautiful soul growing inside of my womb. She is the result of weak and hesitating faith, which was then followed by intense prayer and gratitude. Every time I hear her heart beat and feel her move around, I am grateful for her existence. When people ask me how many kids I have, I now say "seven!" without much thought.
Day 8: Today I'm grateful for (#1). I am grateful God gave us her first, because she is so kind, so forgiving, and so wonderful to raise. I've seen her do remarkably difficult things and overcome so many of her own fears. She teaches me so much!
Day 9: Today I am grateful for music! The time I took to practice since childhood, the hours spent learning how music works, the magnificent men and women who have created it, the opportunities I have to continuously use it in my life... Music is a gift, and I'm so grateful it's a part of me and my life!
Day 10: Today I'm grateful for being a SAHM. I could list the myriad of reasons as to why, but today, it's simply because my 10 year old got sick (fever) and I didn't have to cancel anything or work around things in order to be here to take care of him because I'm already here. I'm grateful I have the choice; I'm grateful I can do it, even when I'm not great at it!
Day 11: it was the Veterans!
Day 12: yesterday I was profoundly grateful for Costco, for my energy to do some winter prep bulk shopping at Costco, for my kids who helped me haul the stuff to various correct places around the house, that we had the money to shop, that we have food so easily accessible, that I have a refrigerator and freezer to store food, that we have electricity running through a house so that we may store food safely. Basically, I'm grateful for the ease I have in which to feed my family. It's incredible!
Day 13: Okay, we have wood, a generator, food storage (building it up, still), water, camping gear, winter clothes, and lots of blankets. Be gentle with us, PA, even though I can now say: "bring it on!" (Update: made this my gratitude of the day because I'm grateful we're prepared!)
Day 14: today I'm grateful for my 11 yr old daughter! She is feisty and brave, and has a self-confidence that I have always wanted. She is brilliant and very helpful and we (along with her sister) have the best conversations. She understands wit, sarcasm, puns, and literary humor! I sure love her.
Day 15: Saturday, I was grateful for friends. I have been blessed to meet some pretty incredible people in my life, and I'm grateful for every single one!
Day 16: Yesterday, I was thankful for my 10 year old son. He has an auditory disorder, some anxiety with change, and difficulty expressing himself --but that boy has the kindest heart and works hard through his challenges. He is a wonderful big brother and has many talents, and he's a hard worker. Yesterday, as I watched him in the Sacrament Meeting Primary Program, I cried, thinking about how much he has overcome to simply be able to speak so clearly to an audience, to sing willingly, and to participate. I'm so grateful for him!
Day 17: Today, I am so thankful for my 7 year old son. He is one of the smartest kids I've ever met. He is funny and full of energy; loves to run, read, and play with his friends and brothers. He is always so kind to his younger brothers and I am often blown away by his understanding of the gospel! He is passionate about things and sometimes we can really argue, but I love him and I'm grateful he's my son!
Day 18: Today I'm grateful for the Book of Mormon! We just finished reading it this morning as a family (again) and will start it again in January (we're going to read the Four Gospels in the New Testament in anticipation for Christmas). Every time I read the BoM, I learn something new. I'm so grateful we have it! So grateful those prophets took the time to record such an incredible history, amazing experiences, and testimonies of Jesus Christ. Here's one of the verses we read today:
 "Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God." (Moroni 10:32) ‪#‎sharegoodness‬

*I'm almost 28 weeks along, now. I still get the, "when are you due?!?!" questions because I'm large. Instead of being offended, I just ignore it. I say, "Valentine's Day," which is true, but mostly because it's a simple answer and I don't have to dwell on it. If people push the subject ("but you look so big!") I just ignore it and change the subject. I've decided I can't stop the rude people, but I don't have to reply to the rude people. AND HOLY COW --my belly is not public property. Why do people think they can touch my belly just because there's a baby in it? I've really appreciated the people who have asked first (usually women who understand) because then I don't mind (and, ironically, it's only my good friends who actually ask, who I wouldn't mind touching my belly, you know?). Just because I'm pregnant does not mean my body is suddenly public property --sure, it's a public interest, and the majority of people will agree that pregnant women deserve respect and awe because they have life growing inside of them! --but they are still individuals with the right to bodily privacy. *rant over*

*I "get" to go take that stupid glucose test this week. It makes me mad. Mad that I didn't ask if I could forgo it, mad that I have fallen back into the old western-medicinal way of prenatal care and childbirth. I'm angry and frustrated because I swore I would never go back to a hospital if I could help it. Mad because I'm not having this baby at home. Mad that I'm feeling so... mad about it. I have a good doctor and it's a good hospital, but I'm going back to something that (for me) was not as wonderful as what I've now experienced. And this is most likely our last baby (I said that with #6, though, so don't hold me to it! I could be totally wrong about that), and so the thought that I'm not doing home birth when I could/wanted to makes me so... sad. Tired. Defeated. I know, dear reader, you're going to ask, "Then why are you doing it!?" It's so complicated. So complicated. And it has almost everything to do with that evil, awful, stupid thing called money. Women in Utah! Be grateful that home birth is not only supported there, but pretty inexpensive! *another rant over*

*Can you believe that it's almost 2015? 2015. 2015???!!!?!? Will I continue to be shocked by the passage of time? Will I always look at the calendar and just wonder, "where did it go?" and wonder why I seem to watch it slip before my very eyes --without doing much? Sunday was the Primary Program in our Sacrament Meeting and we had four kids in it. It's #2's last year, and #3's second to last year. #5 was singing just about as exuberantly as #3 used to sing, and it made me pause for a minute --when did #3 grow up? When did #5 take his place? #4 will be turning 8 years old in February and a few days after his birthday, #2 will be turning 12 years old. How did this happen? How do our babies, dear reader, who grew in our wombs, who nursed at our breasts, who held our hands, who relied on us for every part of their existence --how did they grow up so quickly? How have they turned into these amazing individuals with their own thoughts, ideas, opinions, talents, dreams, and goals? It goes by so quickly. They are here, inside of me, then near me, then next to me, then further on, and then... they are gone. I'm not ready. I'm glad #1 is only 13. I'm glad she has five more years before she leaves. I'm glad I have more time... this slippery, elusive time...


Amanda D said...

I'm sorry that you have to go back to a hospital birth. I'm praying you'll have a good experience.

I think the evolution of blogging is interesting. I feel like I am not as free as I once was with my blog and I'm not sure what it is. I do wonder if it was easier to share when my kids were little and cute and I didn't worry about embarrassing them, etc. I love to look back and see what I used to write, and I am hopeful to get back there. I haven't given up on blogging. I hope you don't either!

Cheryl said...

Amanda, I won't give up! I'm too... verbal. :) I hope you don't give up, either! And thank you for the prayers. I hope it will be good, too!

Linda Liebhardt said...

I LOVED your thankful list. I have a hard time saying positive things. You made it looks so easy.
FOUR HUNDRED Christmas Cards? Four HUNDRED???!!! I thought my 75 was a lot. Wow. Just Wow. You do deserve a break this year. A combined baby announcement is a wonderful idea.