It is Fall Break. This means the kids get Thurs, Fri and Mon off from school. Normally, I would be thinking of some fascinating fun things to do, but instead, I'm hoping to get the house clean. Unfortunately, I'm sitting on the couch in my pajamas because I'm exhausted from everything I've been doing and keep doing in order to keeping doing what I've been doing.
I have a huge list of "shoulds" that I "should" be doing. But I can't seem to break away from this position, nor bully up some courage and motivation/effort in order to do so...
We leave in three weeks.
Most things have fallen into place and it's going well. I will admit this. But for some reason, this week, I have hit a wall and I just don't want to work anymore. I'm not sure why...? Perhaps it's the overwhelming responsibility of doing this while my husband is working in Pennsylvania? Maybe it's because #6 has hit the stage of "don't turn your back for a second, mommy, because if you do I'll be in trouble!"? It could also be because I still have to raise my kids and carry on as normally as possible (for their sakes) as well as carve out time to purge the house, sell the house, deal with realtors trying to convince me they should sell the house, work with Brandon cross-country to settle decisions on the move and purchase a vehicle and parent our children...?
All of that.
Depression doesn't help, either, although I must say that now that I'm back on medication (anti-anxiety this time), things are a lot better.
General Conference was also amazing (see previous posts), and gave me the answers I needed.
I miss my husband something fierce. I always think I can do this (handle everything on my own) for a bit, because I usually can, but that occurs only when he is gone for only a few days a month. This one is brutal. He is gone Sunday afternoon to Friday night every week (mostly) until we move. It's not his fault, I don't blame him, I'm not angry about it --it just is what it is. But it's hard.
And not just in the ways you think about. Yes, I need him here to be a parent with me, to off-set the demands of family life. Yes, I need him here to help me make decisions and to eat family dinner with us and to lead us in FHE and family scripture study and family prayer (not that I can't do it, but it's just so much better when he's with us! That's the point, eh?). But honestly? I miss his arms around me, the sounds of him sleeping next to me, the smell of his neck, his kisses, his large hands, and his laughter. I miss his smile and the blue of his eyes. As I've told him before, we NEED him. It's not just a want.
Another note about selling the house: Wow. This is hard. What's worse is that I'm fielding calls (up to seven nearly every weekday!) from realtors who want us to hire them. I understand that times are tough and selling our home on our own is a bit harder. I do. But I'm losing my patience with people! What I want are phone calls from people wanting to BUY our house, not people trying to get us to hire them. Sigh.
Anyway and whatever and blah, blah, blah... I should shower. And clean. And clean some more. Have a great Thursday, dear reader!