Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Craving Change

I don't do well with change, and the irony in this realization is that I crave change all the time.

I also write about it. A lot.

My religion teaches me that change is desired and wanted --important, needed. The changing of hearts, changing of minds, changing of character, with the goal to become as Christ, to become as Our Father in Heaven. I have learned that to remain stagnant is to move backwards, and that even if it's the tiniest of steps forward, it is better than not moving at all. I have also learned that small steps in the right direction are sometimes more important than leaping and bounding. 

All of this aside, when it comes to big changes in my life, I want them. I crave them. I want to be, see, experience, and become like... everything. I wrote about it here. I want so much and to see so much. 

But then I realize how paralyzed I am by my mental illness. 

For example (or two, or three...):

*Each time I have a child, I am affected deeply with PPD. Of course, I've overcome a lot and can manage as I couldn't in the past. But each child is a new and scary adventure, one that I embrace willingly, even if it's a struggle.

*New jobs for Brandon creates uncertainty and new insurance and 401K's and budgets, etc. But each new job has brought us different blessings and untold adventures for the both of us (not to mention how amazing the experience was getting his MBA!). 

*I lived in the same town in Idaho for 18 years. When I moved to Provo to attend BYU, I never thought I would end up staying. But I lived in Provo for 9 1/2 years, and then we moved to California. We only lived there for 1 year and 1 month before moving right back to Provo, and we've been here for almost 5 1/2 years, now. All of it has been good, life-altering change. However, the move to CA and back was really hard on me. Depression made it that way. I survived, I thrived, I've made it. I just point out our move, though, to show how difficult change can be for me --even though I haven't experienced very much. And maybe that's why it's so hard on me? I'm not used to it? 

The funniest part in all of this, though, is that I do okay once a decision has been made or when I know what direction I'm going. I have the hardest, hardest, hardest time with limbo. With not knowing. With lack of direction. With patience, patience, patience. 

And I feel it coming, dear reader --I feel the winds of change coming in full force. I'm not sure how involved they will be, but they are coming and my feet are itching to get going. I'm trying to be patient, but man, I hate waiting. 


I'm Melissa... said...

I was just crying (literally) to Ryan today about there being too much change all at once in our lives right now. It's all due to his new job which we're SO grateful for, but it just uproots everything. In the last month, we've moved states, stayed with his parents for a month while we look for a place (we move out on Saturday, YAY!), changed insurance in the middle of a pregnancy, searched for new doctors, etc. And he's just in a training program, so the fact that we have to do it ALL over again in 6-18 months is in the back of my mind...We don't even know where we'll live in a year. ACK! Change can be exciting, but sometimes it's exhausting and scary...even when you know it's for the best.

flip flop mama said...

Ha the irony is killing me. I LIKE change! But we have been living in this tiny apartment for 5 years and we have a had a few opportunities to move out over those years but nothing has happened. We usually get to the almost approved position and then everything falls through. I want some change in my life! I wish you the best!

Diane said...

You know more than your telling