I also write about it. A lot.
My religion teaches me that change is desired and wanted --important, needed. The changing of hearts, changing of minds, changing of character, with the goal to become as Christ, to become as Our Father in Heaven. I have learned that to remain stagnant is to move backwards, and that even if it's the tiniest of steps forward, it is better than not moving at all. I have also learned that small steps in the right direction are sometimes more important than leaping and bounding.
All of this aside, when it comes to big changes in my life, I want them. I crave them. I want to be, see, experience, and become like... everything. I wrote about it here. I want so much and to see so much.
But then I realize how paralyzed I am by my mental illness.
For example (or two, or three...):
*Each time I have a child, I am affected deeply with PPD. Of course, I've overcome a lot and can manage as I couldn't in the past. But each child is a new and scary adventure, one that I embrace willingly, even if it's a struggle.
*New jobs for Brandon creates uncertainty and new insurance and 401K's and budgets, etc. But each new job has brought us different blessings and untold adventures for the both of us (not to mention how amazing the experience was getting his MBA!).
*I lived in the same town in Idaho for 18 years. When I moved to Provo to attend BYU, I never thought I would end up staying. But I lived in Provo for 9 1/2 years, and then we moved to California. We only lived there for 1 year and 1 month before moving right back to Provo, and we've been here for almost 5 1/2 years, now. All of it has been good, life-altering change. However, the move to CA and back was really hard on me. Depression made it that way. I survived, I thrived, I've made it. I just point out our move, though, to show how difficult change can be for me --even though I haven't experienced very much. And maybe that's why it's so hard on me? I'm not used to it?
The funniest part in all of this, though, is that I do okay once a decision has been made or when I know what direction I'm going. I have the hardest, hardest, hardest time with limbo. With not knowing. With lack of direction. With patience, patience, patience.
And I feel it coming, dear reader --I feel the winds of change coming in full force. I'm not sure how involved they will be, but they are coming and my feet are itching to get going. I'm trying to be patient, but man, I hate waiting.