Well, people, the decision has been made. The prayers have been offered. The confirmation has been felt.
We are moving to...
Yep, we're going back to Utah. I'm barely getting over the shock of it all, too. For weeks I've been praying that I would be willing to go where the Lord wanted us to go. I have been praying that I wouldn't get my hopes up for the wrong answer; I've been praying that I would be strong enough to accept whatever it was we had to do.
Perhaps I wasn't sincere enough.
Brandon and I spent most of yesterday (Saturday) talking and talking and listening and talking. I spent half of it sobbing and sobbing. I had tried to remain neutral in my preference. I had tried so hard to weigh the pros and cons. And even when all the pros lined up nicely under Utah and all the cons lined up dreadfully under Boston, I couldn't help but hope and wish that we would choose Boston. As the realization that taking the Boston job was not going to happen, I felt myself suddenly being drawn away from a reality I had created for myself. I was silently and slowly slipping further and further away from my dream-like image, and it was very painful. In my mind's eye I could see myself reaching for that image, while at the same time hanging my head in willful defeat.
So, I cried and cried. Brandon hugged and hugged. We laughed, we sat silently, we talked some more. Brandon offered the prayer; I already knew the answer before the words were finished. But I tried to assume it might be wrong --that somehow it was the wrong answer. I waited. I cried. I pondered.
We're moving to Utah.
The thing is, I think I always knew we were going back to Utah. Last Sunday, I had a distinct impression that it was going to happen. But I was so enamored and excited about the prospects of the other job, I tried to ignore it. This is something one should not do. Ignoring the Spirit is not wise. It's only brought me pain, you know.
However! Utah is not a bad thing! In fact, you ask, why am I having such a hard time with this? Utah is a beautiful place and the people there are quite lovely, really. I will have my house back (we still own our home) and we will be in a ward we consider to be home. My family is so much closer; many of our friends are still in Utah. Why, then, am I so sad?
I do not feel ready to go back, yet.
I have changed so much in this last year. To be certain, I'm still me, but I feel like I'm a better me. I've faced my depression issues; I've gained back my health. I've been a missionary! The friends I have made blow my mind with their never-ending supply of spirituality, maturity, and silly fun. Our ward is astounding, and I will miss everyone so very, very much. I've seen and learned more than I could have imagined. But I know I have so much more to learn! To experience! To see and to do! And I cannot help but feel that to go back to Provo I would be going backwards in my progression. That somehow, I am not ready to go back. This, of course, is not really fair to the people and the places in Provo that I love. Nor does it mean that I would actually regress in my progression. But it doesn't make my feelings any less valid.
Time will heal, though. And I will be happy! I'm nothing if not an optimist, eh? Already I find myself imagining my children playing with their dear friends we left behind. I can see trips to Aspen Grove and drives to Logan and Idaho. I have a resolve blossoming inside that I will take the opportunities that I ignored for so many years; I will do those things I always said I would do, but never did. Perhaps that is progression, eh?
When do we move? Well, Brandon will start soon, and so instead of living without my hubby for long periods of time, we will be repeating what we did last year. Oh, yes, dear reader --we will be gone in a month! At least this time I don't have a brand new baby. Hallelujah!!
P.S. And moving back to Utah doesn't mean that we might never get an opportunity to move to Boston. With our track record, you never know!