Sunday, March 02, 2008

We have finally made a Decision

Well, people, the decision has been made. The prayers have been offered. The confirmation has been felt.

We are moving to...

...Provo.

Yep, we're going back to Utah. I'm barely getting over the shock of it all, too. For weeks I've been praying that I would be willing to go where the Lord wanted us to go. I have been praying that I wouldn't get my hopes up for the wrong answer; I've been praying that I would be strong enough to accept whatever it was we had to do.

Perhaps I wasn't sincere enough.

Brandon and I spent most of yesterday (Saturday) talking and talking and listening and talking. I spent half of it sobbing and sobbing. I had tried to remain neutral in my preference. I had tried so hard to weigh the pros and cons. And even when all the pros lined up nicely under Utah and all the cons lined up dreadfully under Boston, I couldn't help but hope and wish that we would choose Boston. As the realization that taking the Boston job was not going to happen, I felt myself suddenly being drawn away from a reality I had created for myself. I was silently and slowly slipping further and further away from my dream-like image, and it was very painful. In my mind's eye I could see myself reaching for that image, while at the same time hanging my head in willful defeat.

So, I cried and cried. Brandon hugged and hugged. We laughed, we sat silently, we talked some more. Brandon offered the prayer; I already knew the answer before the words were finished. But I tried to assume it might be wrong --that somehow it was the wrong answer. I waited. I cried. I pondered.

We're moving to Utah.

The thing is, I think I always knew we were going back to Utah. Last Sunday, I had a distinct impression that it was going to happen. But I was so enamored and excited about the prospects of the other job, I tried to ignore it. This is something one should not do. Ignoring the Spirit is not wise. It's only brought me pain, you know.

However! Utah is not a bad thing! In fact, you ask, why am I having such a hard time with this? Utah is a beautiful place and the people there are quite lovely, really. I will have my house back (we still own our home) and we will be in a ward we consider to be home. My family is so much closer; many of our friends are still in Utah. Why, then, am I so sad?

I do not feel ready to go back, yet.

I have changed so much in this last year. To be certain, I'm still me, but I feel like I'm a better me. I've faced my depression issues; I've gained back my health. I've been a missionary! The friends I have made blow my mind with their never-ending supply of spirituality, maturity, and silly fun. Our ward is astounding, and I will miss everyone so very, very much. I've seen and learned more than I could have imagined. But I know I have so much more to learn! To experience! To see and to do! And I cannot help but feel that to go back to Provo I would be going backwards in my progression. That somehow, I am not ready to go back. This, of course, is not really fair to the people and the places in Provo that I love. Nor does it mean that I would actually regress in my progression. But it doesn't make my feelings any less valid.

Time will heal, though. And I will be happy! I'm nothing if not an optimist, eh? Already I find myself imagining my children playing with their dear friends we left behind. I can see trips to Aspen Grove and drives to Logan and Idaho. I have a resolve blossoming inside that I will take the opportunities that I ignored for so many years; I will do those things I always said I would do, but never did. Perhaps that is progression, eh?

When do we move? Well, Brandon will start soon, and so instead of living without my hubby for long periods of time, we will be repeating what we did last year. Oh, yes, dear reader --we will be gone in a month! At least this time I don't have a brand new baby. Hallelujah!!

P.S. And moving back to Utah doesn't mean that we might never get an opportunity to move to Boston. With our track record, you never know!

24 comments:

Kelly A. said...

Congratulations on having the decision out of the way. It is always hard to go back, but it sounds like you know from whence your strength cometh, so that's a good solid foundation for you to start with!

Good luck! Moving anywhere, back or not, is a big deal.

Amber- aka kanga5 said...

That was very challenging- keep praying for the comfort to be with you. Hey- we might just actually meet now! :) Good luck with all that's ahead.

Amanda said...

I'm just a little jealous that you are heading back to Utah. I'm happy that you have made your decision. Now you will just have to think back on that moment that you knew when you question your decision. Tell Brandon Congrats on the new job for us! We'll have to get together for lunch sometime when we make a visit home.

RoAnn said...

Cheryl, I can SO identify with your feelings. We ask for the guidance of the Spirit, and we follow it, even when it is hard.

I always tried my best to keep an open mind about future possibilities when I knew a move was probably coming. But even though things sometimes worked out the way I wanted them to, there were other times when the decision provoked the same reactions you so beautifully (and sometimes painfully) recorded in this post.

I don't think you need worry that you will halt or backtrack in your progression. You will probably find that what you have learned has enabled you to take another leap forward in your progression, and that Provo is the perfect launching pad for your next jump!

Plus, you may well be right about eventually getting to go to Boston. I got to return to three places I felt I had left too soon, and ended up living in all the places I longed for—sometimes more than once!

Best of luck through the actual moving process. The really good thing about it in this case is that you already have a house to go to, and after all the packing and inevitable hassles, you get to settle in a place where loving friends and family are rejoicing at your arrival. :)

Hillary said...

I'm glad you made a decision. I'm sorry it's been so hard. I think deciding on new jobs and moving is always hard. Good luck with everything.

Jamie J said...

My condolences...just kidding. I'm glad you can find the silver lining in it. I like what RoAnn said that you have grown so much while living in CA that you will actually progress more! I'm glad that you already have a home and hope that the move goes easily! Good luck!

Summer said...

Well I'm glad you know where you're headed now. I have no doubt you'll make the best of it. And if we come out this Summer we can meet up eh?

Courtney Neilson said...

YEAH for UT!! Now I can come and see you more!! I know the decision was hard but it'll be for the best.

Jolene said...

Ditto to everyone else's comments. Moving is hard, moving within a month of deciding to do it borders on insane - but time apart is never fun!

You WILL continue to grow. It may seem likely that you will fall back into your old patterns with the same friends, same ward etc... But - all of those people will have changed too! And there will be new people to meet and impress with your talents and abilities.

I wish you tons of good wishes and will look forward to hearing about your journey.

Julie P said...

Welcome back!!!

Erika Childs said...

Welcome back to P-Town! I can't wait to see you again and meet the last half of your family when I'm in town. Good luck with the speed-moving. Sounds like an adventure!

Stanton and Julie said...

So happy for you, Cheryl. Happy you've had the experience you've had and learned the important things you've learned. Stanton & I lived away long enough, I suppose, that we were very ready to come back "home." (Even though I'd never lived in Logan before). But somehow I can empathize with the feelings you expressed...

You know, one great thing I can see here is that you'll go back this svelte, healthy girl and wow everyone you left! How exciting, it's like a brand new haircut, except way way better!!!

The other great thing will be our closer proximity to one another. That I'm very happy for!

Janelle said...

Provo is one of my favorite places ever.

Cristy said...

Wow Cheryl! I can only imagine what you've been going through! I remember when we were transfered to London when I was a Junior in High School. I cried and told my parents I didn't want to go, secretly excited about the cool new private school I would go to etc. I said my goodbyes to my friends, we were gone. And then the transfer was shut down and we stayed in Houston. It was like, what? After all that we're staying? Sometimes in life I've found the easiest thing is to run away from life. It's much harder to try and be happy where we are, or in your case, going back to where you were before. But you are right! The place might be the same, but you are different! If their is anything I've learned about you over the past year we've been bloggy friends, it's that you are resilient! You rise to the challenge and thrive under pressure. You are inspiring and I can't wait for you guys to be back!

The Wiz said...

I hope I didn't freak you out about Boston and convince you not to move there.

Oh, I flatter myself that I have that much power over your life.

Moving sucks, but at least you don't have to house hunt. That is a huge plus. And not selling right now is also a huge plus.

Enjoy it! Aspen Grove is heaven on earth.

LAHansen said...

I can so relate with your feelings. Especially when it's hard to accept an answer from the Spirit...I've been there so many times. You are so awesome to look for the good!

Cheryl said...

Wiz-
It was totally your fault, you know. :)

Yes, selling now is so hard. Only an idiot would be trying to sell their house right now. Especially if it was in...say...SLC or something. Seriously, what are they thinking!?! Okay, honestly, I hope you can sell your house soon. I really do. And if we were in the market, I would totally consider it!

You know, I think you were at Aspen Grove the two years that I worked there...

Kellyry said...

I can poignantly identify with your feelings on this possible move. I chose 4 schools in 4 different cities to apply to do my doctoral program. Of the cities, Boston was and always has been the city of my heart. But Oh did I ever cry the day it was confirmed that Boston was not the place I will move to this summer! It was heartbreaking. Like you, I too have always had a "feeling" of where I will end up, as if the Lord had given me foreknowledge to encourage an acceptance of the outcome. I had to accept that Boston, at least for now, was not where God wants me. I do, however, hope that maybe, possibly, someday, I might get the chance again. Assuming he wants me there, of course.

Good luck with the move, saying goodbye and getting resettled! May it go slow and fast, whenever it needs to be one and not the other. :-)

Kellyry said...

(And by "possible move" --mentioned in the first sentence--I meant the possibility of moving to Boston.)

The Wiz said...

I think I was at Aspen Grove the years ANYONE worked there. We've gone so often, odds are, if you've ever worked there, we were there.

And can I just ask, what is UP with Emma not being on last night? Is the Jane Austen thing over? Did I somehow miss Emma? Or is it just my PBS that sucks?

Cheryl said...

Wiz-
No, it was a documentary on her books; for some reason my TiVo didn't record it, and so I'm not sure what's going on...let me do some research. I'll blog about it tonight or tomorrow...

kellyry-
Thank you. You're right! It's frustrating when we want the answer we know is wrong. But holy cow, we're blessed beyond belief when we do the right thing.

lahansen-
You are so awesome for thinking I'm awesome! :)

Cristy-
WOW! That is crazy! I can't wait to see you, though. I'm hoping there's room in preschool for #2...Crossing fingers...

Janelle-
Then you have to come visit me. Often. Very often.

Julie-
I wouldn't exactly call my body "svelte" but it is much, much better! Remember the 10 year reunion? Yeah, I'm better than that. Except now that there's no fat, I have wrinkles. ~sigh~

Erika-
I would love to see you again!!

Julie-
Maybe this time we can see each other for more than 30 minutes. :)

Jolene-
You are right, of course. I think my fears are unfounded, since I'm so strong in my resolve to keep getting "better".

Court-
Hooray! We'll have to party like crazy!

Summer-
Absolutely! We better! I'll have to plan a snacker for all people who love Cheryl. Or something. Like that.

Jamie-
That's okay; I accept condolences. Especially if winter is still there when we move! Yuck!

Hillary-
Thank you! And yes, it is hard. Very hard; I think deciding where to live is one of the hardest decisions to make...

Roann-
Oh, thank you so much. You are amazing with words, you know that? Your last sentence --about people welcoming us? --is right on. I've had so many emails and phone calls and so the fears I had are melting away. I find myself getting more excited about it all with each passing hour!

Amanda-
This might be the only way we'll ever meet! You better let me know the next time you're headed to UT.

Amber-
Hooray! You, Summer, Amanda, me...everyone else who lives or visits Utah...we could all get together. I've got some ideas rolling in my head...

Kelly-
Making the decision is probably the hardest part; I'm so glad it's over with!

Anonymous said...

Cheryl,
It is me Jill from Utah. I am trying this knew blog thing. I am sooo excited for you to come back. I can't believe how time goes by so fast.
Congrads on your weight lose I am working on getting the baby weight off. It isn't working very well. Maybe we can start walking and you can tell me all the things you have learned and how you got over your depression.
Jill

Scotty said...

Congratulation on your decision. I too was hoping you may dedcide to check out Boston. But you can not go wrong following promtings.

What are we going to do with out a piano teacher. You have been awesome!

I know you and your family will be happy in Provo again. Now you have the opportunity to return to Utah and be a good will ambasasor for California. After all, we are not all that bad here in NorCal.

:)

Cheryl said...

Scotty-
~sigh~ I know! Tell Nancy she's just gonna have to take all of my students now. :)

And I will have nothin' but good things to say about NorCal!

Jill-
Hooray! I was hoping you would ask! Exercise will be the one thing I'll need the most. How cool to have my old walking buddy back! I'll call you soon...