I had a great post I was going to write about failure and depression and depression-like failure and why it's all so stupid, but I'm too tired to think about it right now. My brain is quite mushy, to tell you the truth, due to sick children and hardly any sleep in the last 72 hours. Walking zombie? You betcha.
Today I am packing up all our camping gear --or, at least, going through it all and making lists and gathering needed items --for the epic family camping trip to Californ-i-ay. I will also be shopping for a swimming suit that fits my big body. Yay? But I decided that it's better to own a swimming suit that fits than to try and squeeze myself into the one I own and look ridiculous. I ordered one off Amazon, but it doesn't fit (top's too big and bottom's too small). Figures.
I'm getting better at patience. How do I know this? I have not gotten angry or bitter at my baby or my 2 year old for keeping me up at night. It's subconscious now --I don't have to remind myself that:
A. Brandon needs sleep because he needs to go to work to earn the money that pays for our house and our food and our existence.
B. They are small tiny people who aren't making it up when they cry that they need me.
C. This too, shall pass and even if I don't forget how hard it was, I won't even think about it because it won't be my life anymore. Why care now if I won't care later?
Brandon tried to get up with #5 when he was crying for the 6th time (he had a fever and needed water), but he just wanted "mommy." Again, yay? I appreciate Brandon, though, because he is always willing to get up if needed (never a better puke-cleaner in the world!).
Speaking of Brandon, I want to share with you people how lucky/blessed I am. I've been trying to observe my husband objectively over the last four days or so, to see how he acts and reacts, and to see him from a perspective other than "I'm-so-tired-and-Brandon-should-simply-do-and-be-more-because-I'm-so-needy-whine-whine-whine." And this is what I saw:
*He cleaned our entire room while I took care of sick baby.
*He made the entire birthday dinner for his dad and step-mom, cleaned it up, and didn't complain once, so I could take care of the sick baby.
*He bathed the boys Saturday night and handed them off to me to get them dressed. Teamwork, baby!
*He showed me his commitment to the Gospel early Sunday morning (details, later).
*He held the crying/fussy baby all through Sunday School so I could teach my Gospel Doctrine lesson.
*He works hard to earn money so I don't have to work outside the home. Even when it's hard.
*He took my van to get the oil changed today and then walked the last few blocks to work just so I wouldn't have to take it in myself.
*During the last week, he never passed the poopy child off to me --he changed the diapers without complaint. Well, mostly. ;)
*He held my hand in Sacrament meeting.
I'm pretty sure I didn't ask him to do any of it, either. He's just awesome that way. Sure, I was jealous when he got a nap yesterday, but he made lunch for the kids before taking one (and I dozed while I nursed). Yes, I wish I could spend more time with him, but I got him in Canada and I get him in California.
He makes me laugh all the time; he has such amazing eyes.
I just love him so much. It's not always been easy, our relationship. We've had to work through a lot of stuff over the last 14 years. But you know what? I think it's made us stronger. We'll probably continue to have ups and downs, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, we're simply having an upswing time right now. But it doesn't change the fact that we're completely committed to each other. I just wonder --what did I do to deserve someone so wonderful?