Monday, December 12, 2011

The Well

"Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem."
David D. Burns

I would never imply that cancer was somehow better or easier than Depression, but this quote just spoke volumes to me.

What is it like to face an uncertain future when you don't have Depression? When you don't have to start 1,000 paces back behind everyone else in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I have no idea. Those who don't face the demons and darkness of Depression are strange to me. How do they do it? How do they get so much done? How do they face their lives with so much happiness and expectations of joy?

Sometimes, it feels like a deep well, and the only way out is to crawl up. It's slippery, slimy, cold, and dark. It's hard to find crevices to lift your weary muscles out. It's always worth it to crawl out of the well, yes, but at times, you just get tired of getting thrown back in over and over and over again. Even when Heavenly Father throws down a rope to help you out occasionally.

Yes, I'm having a Down Day. Yes, it's been hard mentally and emotionally for me. I won't lie to you --most of it is my own undoing. But that's the hard part about mental disease; it's easy to blame everything on it. It's easy to claim status as a victim. It's easy to just give in. It's easy to jump back into the well. What's hard is to know where the line is --is this just me? Or my disease? Am I lazy? Or am I sick?

I'm overwhelmed. Simply overwhelmed --again --by the enormous amount of what I have to do before me. I've been doing pretty good the last few months to chip away at what I need to do before the baby comes, before I lose my mind completely, before I start to believe I have very little to offer as a person. But today, I kind of lost it. I'm going to have to start over again.

From inside the well.

I better start climbing, I guess.


Aubrey said...


I've never commented before on your blog, but I've been reading you for a while now, and really enjoying it. This post spoke to me, and I wanted to let you know that one more person is out there, and thinking of you. I do not suffer from depression regularly, however, there have been two time periods in my life that I have, one two summers ago, and one right now. I had a miscarriage about a month ago, and it was twins. I have been struggling to come back to my old self again. I think that Heavenly Father has been throwing me pieces of string down in the well, and expecting me to make my own rope. It's slow going. Every day it gets stronger and I grow stronger and I get closer to the light. I know you will too.



I love your honesty and raw emotion in this post. I also love that there are times you(and all of us) can recognize when we've lost it and must climb out of that well, sometimes daily. Isn't is great to know that we also people who love us and they often throw a rope down to help pull us up when we're ready?
I think you are great.

Courtney N said...

Start climbing! I love you!

JosieKat said...

I have just started blogging, today in fact, about being the mom of a Bi Polar 13yo son. I, too, suffer from depression and some days it seems there is no light at the top of that well. If we climb, we will find it so keep climbing! I look forward to following your blog some more!

The Pugmire's said...

I'm here for a few days, pretty much killing time. Please let me know what needs to be done, even if it sounds ridiculous (besides varnish that painting, that's a given). :)

P.S. You are NOT lazy. You don't give yourself nearly enough credit for all you do. Nuff said.

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Truer words......I'm in that well with ya. <3

Becca said...