Feeling Better

I got to see the tub I'm going to birth my baby in today. I had an appointment with my midwife (at her house) and she showed me. It's so deep! I'm so excited! Forget those tiny things in our homes we call bathtubs --this is the real deal!

I had such a great appointment. I'm feeling so much calm and peace in our decision to give birth at home. I wish, wish, wish we had chosen to do this sooner, though. Everything about it is just relaxing to me! I know some women are probably thinking, "What the?! I'd be freaking out!" and that's okay. But I think if you understood how stress-free this is going to be, you might see it a bit differently (doesn't mean you have to change your mind, though).

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Feeling much better today. Reasons why:

1. Sleep
2. Green smoothies (and other delicious, yet nutritious foods)
3. Practicing what my therapist calls, "stopping the thought train."
4. Prayer
5. Continuing to take my meds on time
6. This quote from my awesome SIL: "Sorry to hear you're having a down day. But glad you are able to express your emotions. Feel them. Say hello to them and notice their presence. But don't let them overpower you. It's not you, that second voice. That's depression. First step is realizing it is separate from who you really are. Lots of love to you!"

Elaborations on the reasons:

1. Sleep doesn't need elaboration. It's obvious that sleep helps.
2. Jumping back into the green eating the last 3 days. Still amazed at how it gives me such energy and a boost.
3. "Stopping the thought train" is exactly as you imagine it to be: you start by thinking life is hard. Then it turns to how your life is hard, and then it's hard because you suck, because you're a failure, because you're not worth anything, because nobody really loves you, because...
See? It's a train that gets going and then goes quicker and quicker until you end up suicidal. To stop it, I have to think: Is my life really hard because I suck? Or is it because life is just hard? If I am aiding in the suckiness, then how can I stop it? Am I worth being loved? Am I loved?
If I answer the questions honestly, I realize that the thought train going is not real. It's not reality. It's my own projections. Just realizing that I'm pretty awesome (in comparison to the bad thinking) can stop the train cold. I just say "NOPE! Not gettin' on board!"
4. Prayer always helps. Like sleep.
5. Yes, I'm still on antidepressants. It's a low dosage, but it's needed. I have to be careful and make sure (at least during this pregnancy stage) not to go off of them or skip too many days, or else it's much harder to get back from the depths of despair. So, for now, they are needed.
6. My SIL suffers from depression and such, too. She knows what she is talking about and I love that I have her (and others) who understand and that we can lift each other up.

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Note to self: Don't try to cut the 4 year old's bangs like you would on a girl. He now looks like he got a girl bob haircut. Sigh.

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You wanna know what's a great deal? Getting two five-drawer dressers, a wooden toybox (with one of those slow closing lids), and a loft-style bunkbed set (with mattresses and memory foam tops, desk, and dresser built into it) for less than $700.

I love the KSL classifieds. Love them! Craigslist was the thing in California, but not here! In Utah, it's KSL.

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Nesting goal this week: Clean out entire bedroom. Master bedroom. That's where I'll be giving birth, and so I've decided it's gonna have to be overhauled and cleaned like nobody's business! But unlike most chores I have to do, I'm actually excited about it.