We had an ultrasound yesterday. I couldn't wait any longer --I just had to know, you know?
Turns out we only have one baby growing in there --a good-looking' baby, of course, but just one!
Brandon was visibly relieved. He mentioned to me as we were walking out of the building --him holding #5, me shouting after #4 to slow down and watch for cars --that he knew it would be too hard on me if we did have twins. I scoffed. I was disappointed! I had been thinking about twins for so long! I had prepared myself, mentally and emotionally, for the challenges having two babies at once would bring. I was ready. I was ready to start preparing! He helped me get the kids in the mini-van, kissed me, and headed back to work.
And I pondered.
I thought about it as I posted the results on FB and texted family and wrote and email to my midwife. I thought about it as I went to SEP conferences for my kiddos. I continued to mull it over as I made dinner and as we had a semi-successful FHE. I asked Brandon if he thought the ultrasound technician could have been wrong; of course she wasn't. It was obvious there was only one. I continued to wonder and ponder and try to accept as I went to bed.
I think he's right, my husband. I have high expectations for my kids and my life and this pregnancy has derailed everything. I've lost all control over my household. I'm a natural organizer and cleaner, and this exhaustion is killing me. I can barely take care of the kids, let alone do the laundry or organize the office. We've talked about switching rooms for the kids --when am I going to do that!? The basement has not been clean all summer. I need to go through everything --clothes, toys, office papers, books, linens, tools, laundry room supplies, the shed, the back porch, etc. But there it all sits. It sits and sits and gathers more dust and I swear there are ants somewhere (not to mention the stupid fruit flies in the kitchen!).
It's all overwhelming. And I have another child coming! Granted, it's because of this child that I have no energy, but still... if it had been twins? It could go one of two ways: I go crazy and end up in the nut house. This is unlikely, because if it was the second way, I would have help. Loads of help. When people hear about a mother of brand new twins needing help, what is the response as compared to a mother with one new baby? I know, right? It's much easier to solicit help for the multiples mom. I'm assuming, of course.
But he's right. My depression is worse after I give birth. Two would be overwhelming. Not that I would haven't just been grateful and over-the-moon about two! Of course I would! But I feel out of control right now, just being pregnant --how would I feel when I have two babies needing me?
I guess I'm searching for the positive, because I do feel a loss that it's only one. But now I'm ready to focus on her. Her?! We're not even sure if it's a girl or boy, yet. I've felt since the beginning that she was a girl, but hey! I thought it was twins. I'm usually wrong, have you noticed? So, it's probably a boy.
Blah! Okay, onto other subjects. Like: I'm sick as a dog right now and I have my Portland to Coast Walk Relay on Friday!! I can't be sick! I can't afford this! So, not only am I exhausted from the pregnancy, but now I'm hacking up a lung. And here I was, hoping to get the house in some semblance of working order before the babysitter comes to watch our kids this weekend.
It is, honestly, all very embarrassing. Because the longer I go NOT cleaning and organizing, the worse it gets. And please, dear reader, don't tell me how my husband should be doing it for me, or the kids, because what needs to be done is massive overhaul stuff --Brandon works hard at his job, and the kids need massive supervision to get any of it done. Sure, we get some surface stuff done. The kids still vacuum, sweep, do dishes, etc. but that's not the problem. I need to Spring Clean! Exhume the whole place. Start over. Re-vamp. Re-do. Overhaul!
Whatever. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm going to try to think happy thoughts because hey! I get to go to Portland! And see some friends! And do something really, really cool!
P.S. My girls are all ready for school, with backpacks, bike helmets and their glasses on --and dancing to "Life is a Highway." And the toddler just joined them. How can anyone NOT smile watching this? :)