Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Contemplative Complaints, Brought to You by Tuesday

We had an ultrasound yesterday. I couldn't wait any longer --I just had to know, you know?

Turns out we only have one baby growing in there --a good-looking' baby, of course, but just one!

Brandon was visibly relieved. He mentioned to me as we were walking out of the building --him holding #5, me shouting after #4 to slow down and watch for cars --that he knew it would be too hard on me if we did have twins. I scoffed. I was disappointed! I had been thinking about twins for so long! I had prepared myself, mentally and emotionally, for the challenges having two babies at once would bring. I was ready. I was ready to start preparing! He helped me get the kids in the mini-van, kissed me, and headed back to work.

And I pondered.

I thought about it as I posted the results on FB and texted family and wrote and email to my midwife. I thought about it as I went to SEP conferences for my kiddos. I continued to mull it over as I made dinner and as we had a semi-successful FHE. I asked Brandon if he thought the ultrasound technician could have been wrong; of course she wasn't. It was obvious there was only one. I continued to wonder and ponder and try to accept as I went to bed.

I think he's right, my husband. I have high expectations for my kids and my life and this pregnancy has derailed everything. I've lost all control over my household. I'm a natural organizer and cleaner, and this exhaustion is killing me. I can barely take care of the kids, let alone do the laundry or organize the office. We've talked about switching rooms for the kids --when am I going to do that!? The basement has not been clean all summer. I need to go through everything --clothes, toys, office papers, books, linens, tools, laundry room supplies, the shed, the back porch, etc. But there it all sits. It sits and sits and gathers more dust and I swear there are ants somewhere (not to mention the stupid fruit flies in the kitchen!).

It's all overwhelming. And I have another child coming! Granted, it's because of this child that I have no energy, but still... if it had been twins? It could go one of two ways: I go crazy and end up in the nut house. This is unlikely, because if it was the second way, I would have help. Loads of help. When people hear about a mother of brand new twins needing help, what is the response as compared to a mother with one new baby? I know, right? It's much easier to solicit help for the multiples mom. I'm assuming, of course.

But he's right. My depression is worse after I give birth. Two would be overwhelming. Not that I would haven't just been grateful and over-the-moon about two! Of course I would! But I feel out of control right now, just being pregnant --how would I feel when I have two babies needing me?

I guess I'm searching for the positive, because I do feel a loss that it's only one. But now I'm ready to focus on her. Her?! We're not even sure if it's a girl or boy, yet. I've felt since the beginning that she was a girl, but hey! I thought it was twins. I'm usually wrong, have you noticed? So, it's probably a boy.

Blah! Okay, onto other subjects. Like: I'm sick as a dog right now and I have my Portland to Coast Walk Relay on Friday!! I can't be sick! I can't afford this! So, not only am I exhausted from the pregnancy, but now I'm hacking up a lung. And here I was, hoping to get the house in some semblance of working order before the babysitter comes to watch our kids this weekend.

It is, honestly, all very embarrassing. Because the longer I go NOT cleaning and organizing, the worse it gets. And please, dear reader, don't tell me how my husband should be doing it for me, or the kids, because what needs to be done is massive overhaul stuff --Brandon works hard at his job, and the kids need massive supervision to get any of it done. Sure, we get some surface stuff done. The kids still vacuum, sweep, do dishes, etc. but that's not the problem. I need to Spring Clean! Exhume the whole place. Start over. Re-vamp. Re-do. Overhaul!

Whatever. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm going to try to think happy thoughts because hey! I get to go to Portland! And see some friends! And do something really, really cool!

The End.

P.S. My girls are all ready for school, with backpacks, bike helmets and their glasses on --and dancing to "Life is a Highway." And the toddler just joined them. How can anyone NOT smile watching this? :)


Handsfullmom said...

You'd THINK having twins would get you a little extra help, and for some women, it does. When I had my twins (plus 3 others ages 5, 3, and 2), I got . . . wait for it . . . two pairs of socks from the Relief Society presidency. And one of my visiting teachers brought me a meal. Otherwise? I was on my own! I figured it out, hired a 14YO to come a few afternoons a week for a couple of months to help out, and handled things okay, but still . . . I had to laugh when I talked to some other moms of multiples a year later and we compared notes. One had meals brought in every other day for a month! Another had help with her older kids a few afternoons a week plus two weeks of meals, etc., etc.

My ward now (we've moved since the twins were born) still doesn't bring in meals for new moms, no matter how trying the circumstances (one girl this summer had a c-section plus three other kids, another had no help other than her husband off work for two days, both girls had three other young children, but still no meals) -- weird, huh? The last time I had an "official" meal brought in from the R.S. was when my second child was born.

Sorry for the tangent. I'm sorry you're disappointed. I dreamed all the time while pregnant with the twins of what it would be like; I would have been devastated if it had turned out to be just one.

Amanda D said...

We had a woman in our ward have twins recently and she got a ton of help. However, in our ward, I think the mothers of one baby get a lot of help too. We live in an awesome ward.

I understand your disappointment. Wish I was closer so I could come help you with the organizing. I don't do it in my house, but I love to do it at other people's!

Julie said...

I hope you have a wonderful time in Portland -- I'm just slightly green with envy!!!!

Stephanie said...

I have ants in my garage. Pretty soon, I think they are going to invade my house. This SHOULD get me motivated to clean out and spray the garage, but it doesn't.

I hope that helps you feel a little better. :)

Amy said...

What a bitter-sweet post! I related to everything you said. I thought, "Wow. If that doesn't sum it all up for a pregnant LDS mother of a housefull of kids, I don't know waht does!" I will tell you waht a dear friend told me years ago, "To everything there is a season" She said this all the time. She also reminded me that my kids will not grow up remembering how clean the house was or how organized the closets were. They will remember the time I spent with them. When times call for cut-backs, the cleaning has to take the hit.

((Hugs)) from a total stranger who knows exactly how you feel!

Cheryl said...

You have GOT to be kidding me! That just sounds awful --isn't a ward supposed to help one another? But I'm proud of you because you don't sound bitter; you figured out a solution when the one you thought you were getting wasn't coming. That's sincerely impressive. I think sometimes that's what I have to do. Rarely do my VTeachers "come to the rescue" --I have to figure stuff out and ask for help myself. But still --twins! No help with twins!? That's just nuts.

Amy, you just made my day! Thank you so much for your comments and ESPECIALLY for your profile picture. That is motherhood personified! It's like my laundry day! :)

Steph- Slightly better, yes. :)

Julie- I'd take you with me if you promised to pretend to be me and walk my hardest leg and then let me walk my easy one. J/K!

Amanda- Your ward does sound amazing. And I will fly you out to organize my house. How's that?

Mormon Women: Who We Are said...

Read this.

And then call me, because I need the message, too, and it always helps to hear reminders while talking with a friend. ;)

What struck me was your p.s., which I think is reflective of the message of that talk -- you took care of what was most important (ready for school? no small task and time-sensitive and way important to the kiddos), including savoring the moments).

Besides, you don't need to spring clean. It's almost fall. ;)

Cheryl said...

Can you ask some people for help with your house?? I for one go CRAZY (even more than I already am) if my house is a disaster! I get the pregnancy exhaustion...I had two very hard pregnancies with my last 2! My opinion on helping out when any mother is pregnant or having a baby is that our Father's plan is all about bringing spirits into this world and we should do our DARNDEST to help each other as MUCH as we can to fulfill that mission of ours! I had such wonderful support from my ward with my last pregnancy/NICU stay for the baby. I learned so much of what to do to help others and what NOT to do :) Sorry I dont' live closer I would be SO happy to help..twins or not!