Month Number One

AI:

We voted for 6 guys and 7 girls. We voted for every person who made it into the Top Ten! Only major, major disappointment: Lauren (Bette Midler-type one) didn't make it. Even in the wild card. LAME. She was fantastic! Major annoyance: Ashthan (or however the heck you spell her name) bugs the crap out of me. I have never seen such conceit in a contestant before --and she's not even that fantastic. Kendra was WAY better. Blah.

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Warning: Female stuff ahead. May include ranting, raving, and discussion about the female body and it's functions. Okay, not "maybe" --it will. So stay away if you don't like it!

I had a Mirena IUD for a reason: I was tired of the periods. Since I started them at 12 years old, I have been as regular as you can get. I can time my period down to the exact hour! They were fairly normal periods, I thought, but looking back, they were pretty heavy. Heavy flow, I mean. Since having children, they've gotten worse. Since my body rejects tampons now (and honestly, anything else, including Instead or the Diva Cup or whatever), I rely solely on pads. [It honestly doesn't bug me as much as you think it does, so don't tell me your sorry for me or to try something else again because you'll just make me angry.] The problem is that when I have regular periods, I have to go through about 3 or 4 overnight pads a day for the first 2-3 days. It's that heavy. But then it slows down, and by day 7, it's about done (and really light).

Aren't you so excited I'm telling you all of this??

Moving on. I hated using the mini-pill (and I tried Nuvaring, and it didn't work because, remember? The tampon thing?) and so after #3, I decided to get a Paragard IUD (the copper T). It was FANTASTIC as far as birth control goes, but it actually made my periods heavier. Even heavier than what I was having. And it was hellish, dear reader. But I liked the idea of no hormones, and so after #4, I got another one. Same result. My sister finally convinced me (and so did my midwife) to try the Mirena after #5. I did. Unlike most women, though, I spotted for three whole months (at least). But then... no periods! Huzzah! For 9 months, I had nothing (sometimes it would be one afternoon of slight spotting). Then I stopped nursing when #5 was 12 1/2 months old, and they came back. But it wasn't bad --again, very light. Very light. I can handle the lightness! [Another note: I always have had regular periods while I nurse. I would bleed for 4-6 weeks, and then BAM! 2 weeks later, my periods would start. And yes, I was nursing full time.]

Now, since I can't keep a dang secret, and for the sake of the subject, and the whole reason I came down here to write because I swear I'm gonna to go crazy if I don't write it all out --you might as well know that the Mirena has been removed. I had it taken out in January and I proceeded to bleed for 2 weeks. It wasn't too bad, though --very light and tolerable. Yesterday, I discovered that I'm obviously NOT pregnant, and the period began. And boy, did it begin! I don't think it's ever been this heavy, unless I'm just not remembering right. It's insane. No blood clots, though, and no, I don't think it's dangerous --I think I'm just a heavy bleeder.

I hate it, though. I hate it because it's so uncomfortable. I hate it because of the cramps. I hate it because I have so many things to do (laborious house-work things), and my body won't cooperate. I hate it because it means that although everyone says "I got pregnant right when the IUD came out!" and I had already psyched myself up for the possibility it would take us 6-8 months like it did with #4, #5, and the miscarriage before #4 --I'm not pregnant. And I told myself I wouldn't do this to myself again. I wouldn't care. I wouldn't get my hopes up. I wouldn't think about it until August and then I'd start getting sad about it then. I promised Brandon and myself that I would stay positive and realize that my body doesn't like to make babies right away anymore. I promised myself that I would remember that even though God told us to have a baby, His timing may be completely different and I need to have Faith. I promised myself that I wouldn't worry about it. I promised myself I would focus on the kids I have and not worry about the sixth that we feel is supposed to come to our family. I promised myself. I promised.

I broke that promise. And it's only Month Number One.

It sucks because this heavy period feels almost like a miscarriage --it's that heavy. It also feels like my body is mocking me, saying: See! I told you! You are broken inside. You can't get pregnant easily. Maybe this time, you won't.

And then I feel guilty. Because even though it's been harder as I've gotten older, I still have FIVE children. FIVE. I have never had to use fertility treatments or in vitro or whatever --I've never lost a baby beyond 10 weeks; I've never had to go into labor and give birth to a dead child. Here I am, whining about it being Month One. First try. First attempt, failed. And I am all depressed about it. I feel like a jerk for feeling this way, because it's not really fair to those who have struggled for so long. For those who continue to struggle.

But it is what it is. I feel hormonal (stupid period), and lonely (he comes home tonight!), and depressed. I don't want to compare trials right now because mine just kind of sucks for me. Could it be worse?? YES. Of course. It could be so very, very, very much worse. But right now, on this day, as I'm needing to fold all the laundry, shop at Costco, and prep for #2's Baptism tomorrow, drive the girls to/from theater class, and take care of all the things I have to take care of... right now --it sucks. And the period just keeps reminding me how much it does.

Dang it. Now I need a quote. Let me find a quote... and a picture! Hold on... Here we go; validation!

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the

o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

~William Shakespeare