Friday, March 04, 2011

Month Number One

We voted for 6 guys and 7 girls. We voted for every person who made it into the Top Ten! Only major, major disappointment: Lauren (Bette Midler-type one) didn't make it. Even in the wild card. LAME. She was fantastic! Major annoyance: Ashthan (or however the heck you spell her name) bugs the crap out of me. I have never seen such conceit in a contestant before --and she's not even that fantastic. Kendra was WAY better. Blah.
Warning: Female stuff ahead. May include ranting, raving, and discussion about the female body and it's functions. Okay, not "maybe" --it will. So stay away if you don't like it!

I had a Mirena IUD for a reason: I was tired of the periods. Since I started them at 12 years old, I have been as regular as you can get. I can time my period down to the exact hour! They were fairly normal periods, I thought, but looking back, they were pretty heavy. Heavy flow, I mean. Since having children, they've gotten worse. Since my body rejects tampons now (and honestly, anything else, including Instead or the Diva Cup or whatever), I rely solely on pads. [It honestly doesn't bug me as much as you think it does, so don't tell me your sorry for me or to try something else again because you'll just make me angry.] The problem is that when I have regular periods, I have to go through about 3 or 4 overnight pads a day for the first 2-3 days. It's that heavy. But then it slows down, and by day 7, it's about done (and really light).

Aren't you so excited I'm telling you all of this??

Moving on. I hated using the mini-pill (and I tried Nuvaring, and it didn't work because, remember? The tampon thing?) and so after #3, I decided to get a Paragard IUD (the copper T). It was FANTASTIC as far as birth control goes, but it actually made my periods heavier. Even heavier than what I was having. And it was hellish, dear reader. But I liked the idea of no hormones, and so after #4, I got another one. Same result. My sister finally convinced me (and so did my midwife) to try the Mirena after #5. I did. Unlike most women, though, I spotted for three whole months (at least). But then... no periods! Huzzah! For 9 months, I had nothing (sometimes it would be one afternoon of slight spotting). Then I stopped nursing when #5 was 12 1/2 months old, and they came back. But it wasn't bad --again, very light. Very light. I can handle the lightness! [Another note: I always have had regular periods while I nurse. I would bleed for 4-6 weeks, and then BAM! 2 weeks later, my periods would start. And yes, I was nursing full time.]

Now, since I can't keep a dang secret, and for the sake of the subject, and the whole reason I came down here to write because I swear I'm gonna to go crazy if I don't write it all out --you might as well know that the Mirena has been removed. I had it taken out in January and I proceeded to bleed for 2 weeks. It wasn't too bad, though --very light and tolerable. Yesterday, I discovered that I'm obviously NOT pregnant, and the period began. And boy, did it begin! I don't think it's ever been this heavy, unless I'm just not remembering right. It's insane. No blood clots, though, and no, I don't think it's dangerous --I think I'm just a heavy bleeder.

I hate it, though. I hate it because it's so uncomfortable. I hate it because of the cramps. I hate it because I have so many things to do (laborious house-work things), and my body won't cooperate. I hate it because it means that although everyone says "I got pregnant right when the IUD came out!" and I had already psyched myself up for the possibility it would take us 6-8 months like it did with #4, #5, and the miscarriage before #4 --I'm not pregnant. And I told myself I wouldn't do this to myself again. I wouldn't care. I wouldn't get my hopes up. I wouldn't think about it until August and then I'd start getting sad about it then. I promised Brandon and myself that I would stay positive and realize that my body doesn't like to make babies right away anymore. I promised myself that I would remember that even though God told us to have a baby, His timing may be completely different and I need to have Faith. I promised myself that I wouldn't worry about it. I promised myself I would focus on the kids I have and not worry about the sixth that we feel is supposed to come to our family. I promised myself. I promised.

I broke that promise. And it's only Month Number One.

It sucks because this heavy period feels almost like a miscarriage --it's that heavy. It also feels like my body is mocking me, saying: See! I told you! You are broken inside. You can't get pregnant easily. Maybe this time, you won't.

And then I feel guilty. Because even though it's been harder as I've gotten older, I still have FIVE children. FIVE. I have never had to use fertility treatments or in vitro or whatever --I've never lost a baby beyond 10 weeks; I've never had to go into labor and give birth to a dead child. Here I am, whining about it being Month One. First try. First attempt, failed. And I am all depressed about it. I feel like a jerk for feeling this way, because it's not really fair to those who have struggled for so long. For those who continue to struggle.

But it is what it is. I feel hormonal (stupid period), and lonely (he comes home tonight!), and depressed. I don't want to compare trials right now because mine just kind of sucks for me. Could it be worse?? YES. Of course. It could be so very, very, very much worse. But right now, on this day, as I'm needing to fold all the laundry, shop at Costco, and prep for #2's Baptism tomorrow, drive the girls to/from theater class, and take care of all the things I have to take care of... right now --it sucks. And the period just keeps reminding me how much it does.

Dang it. Now I need a quote. Let me find a quote... and a picture! Hold on... Here we go; validation!

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the
o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
~William Shakespeare


evitafjord said...
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Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Write on woman, write on. <3

Julie said...

Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the
o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.
~William Shakespeare

Really neat quote. Sorry you're down.

FoxyJ said...

Sometimes I wish we still had some kind of 'red tent' we could all go sit in for a week every month just to get a break. I've had the flu this week and then my body decided it was a great time to add some female fun too. I have the heavy kind that makes me feel crampy and ill for the first few days and it is hard, especially when you have to do anything else on top of it. So I can empathize with you, big time.

I also had the same feelings with trying to get pregnant, even though each time it only took about two cycles (my body is very obvious with the ovulating). Same feelings of sorrow along with the guilt for feeling sad. And now that, even though I know it was Ok to do something permanent and my body couldn't do anymore, I still feel a little sad every month that it's not an option anymore. Blah.

Alison Wonderland said...

After I went off birth control and before I got pregnant with Isaac I felt the same way every month for the first 5 or 6 and then I felt relief and then at month 10 when I didn't get my period I was... not as excited as I could have been.

But when something bad happens you have the right to feel bad even if it's not the worst thing that could have happened.

Anonymous said...

Just because you have your feelings in perspective doesn't mean you're not free to feel them. Sorry you're not pregnant. Maybe next month. ;)

Interestingly, my periods since having #4 are very heavy for, like, two days and then nothing. Nothing. Kind of weird. Yeah, I took this post as license to compare periods. If not here, then where?

Cheryl said...

The older I get the heavier my periods get and the worse the cramping is. Hate them! I am done with having babies and I would not mind them removing this darn uterus (that served me well for 5 babies) but is now causing me all sorts of GRIEF!

Dorri said...

I'm so sorry. Rant and rave and what ever else you need to do, every woman has that right at least once a month (I hope!!). What you are describing is why I'm afraid to go off the pill. The only reason I take it any more is because I need the hormone, or my body does the crazy dance. But my dr said that maybe it's time to try going off it and the other things I'm on to keep my body working the way it is. But I'm scared that it's going to go back to what you described, and honestly I can't do it right now. Hope it gets lighter, easier, what every you are needing it to do right now.

Mormon Women: Who We Are said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mormon Women: Who We Are said...

You know I'm gonna say it:

I don't believe in comparing suffering.

But you know that.

The unknown is hard space. Faith is hard work. It shouldn't surprise us when we are reminded that it is hard to have it.

Love you. Hope your day is wonderful tomorrow (er, today). You'll be in my thoughts.


nweames said...

I had the EXACT experience with mirena before getting pregnant with my 4th. It took a while, but,eventually (as in several months later), it happened. I'm sorry, what a pain!

Cristy said...

Sorry Cheryl! The good thing is that most woman out there can sympathize! First of all, glad the IUD worked for you. I got pregnant on mine! Love my #3 all the same... anyway, I've gone through a lot of trial and error with things over the past year or so, and have found when coming of something with hormones, you are likely to bleed for a while. It stinks, but it's normal. I think you are probably just finally getting rid of the hormones. The good news is, now your body will adjust and can get pregnant. Just my thoughts. Hang in there!

Kimberly said...

Just a tip my pharmacist husband gave me, take 800 mg ibuprofen every 8 hours during your whole period. It seriously cut my blood flow in half.....and think of all the fun you'll have "trying" again next month ;)

Love ya!

Cheryl said...

Cristy, you might be right! I never thought about that. But the idea that my body is cleaning house and getting rid of the hormones is a very nice thought to me. Thank you!

cari said...

I agree with Kimberly's tip on Ibuprofen, works like a charm!

I think you are so lucky to have 5 kids. We can't even get one and it makes me sad, like I'm broken when we're doing everything "right". So when I read your post it made me excited for you but also gosh, you have 5! I just think be so grateful for what you do have and then if the Lord blesses you with more, that is wonderful!

Incidentally, if you have any, ahem, getting pregnant tips, please share!