Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Abstinence is Not Illogical

WARNING: This blog post will be talking about the subject of sex. If you don't like to talk about STD's or abstinence or sex in general, then skip this post. Seriously. I'm Not Kidding.

First, what started my thought process was this fantastic blog post. Mostly because I completely agree with Janette Rallison. The gist of it is this: STD's are so pervasive in our country, but we ignore it, and YA authors write about teen sex as if there are never any consequences. The consequences of pre-marital sex are tremendous. And Janette is only talking about the physical problems. The emotional ones? Boy-howdy.

My problem with society and condom-giving school systems: Abstinence is seen as "stupid" or "illogical." Well, coming from a virgin who married a virgin, just let me tell you, not only was worth it, but it was completely logical. I have never had an STD, and chances are I never, ever will. Abstinence makes sense. It is the most logical thing in the whole freakin' world. Why? Here are the reasons:
1. No teen pregnancy
2. No STD's
3. No need for an abortion
4. No shame (either because of religion, friends, parents, teachers, peers, etc.)
5. No depressive episodes linked to the fact that the guy/girl you slept with is now having sex with someone else. Or vice versa.
6. No need to start drugs to counteract those depressive episodes from being promiscuous and not knowing why you feel all depressed.

Just #1, #2, and #3 would be enough. I mean, this stuff makes sense, right? Sure, sure, people could use condoms --but STD's still pass through condoms, FYI. Many of them do. So does sperm. You could still get pregnant. Of course, this is all the "fear" part. The "safe" part. Let's talk, too, about the soul part of sex. Society has told us that sex isn't about connecting emotionally --it's just a physical act. There's no risk!
What. Ever.
Sex is the most vulnerable, clumsy, wonderful, and perfect way for an emotional connection between a man and a woman. Every aspect of it makes sense. Men and women fit physically and emotionally because of their differences and the different way in which they experience sex. To say that it doesn't have an effect on your soul is such a lie, I'm fuming! Hollywood (who has so much of the blame) makes sex look fun and mysterious. And simple. Well, hello! What is simple about sex? Let's see:
1. It's messy. Even with a condom. You have to clean up afterwards. Have you ever seen a movie sex scene end with cleaning up? Huh?
2. If you don't use the bathroom (girls) after it's over, then chances are you'll get a UTI. Even then, you could still get a UTI (I know this from experience).
3. It's not always perfect. Practice, practice, practice! Especially the "first" time. I get so mad when songs and movies are all "it was like the first time!" as if that is what we want it to be like. WHAT!? Who wants it to be like the first time again? Come on, crazy people!
4. You are forever, indelibly connected to that person, because you leave a part of your soul with them. Even if you claim you don't, you do. It's impossible not to be.

Sex is awesome, no lie. But it's awesomeness lies in the fact that it is connecting two souls together mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Claiming it doesn't happen doesn't make it true.

Am I sounding vicious, judgemental, and unfeeling about this? You betcha. This is a subject that riles me up like no other, and has since high school. Sex is sacred and vulnerable and a gift from God.

Personal experiences:
*I remember, on my honeymoon, lying next to my sleeping husband and thinking: "If every girl in the world could feel as I feel now, they would never, ever, ever, ever attempt for anything less."

*After getting a UTI, I remember wetting the bed. How embarrassing! How did my new husband react? With patience, kindness, and he comforted me while I cried with humiliation. How would a boyfriend have reacted? Or a one-night stand?

*I lived in California and went in to have an IUD put in. My baby was a couple of months old, so I felt it was time. My exchange with the doctor:
"I need to test you for this list of STD's before I can put it in."
"Just to make sure you don't have any."
"I don't."
"I don't need to be tested."
"Why would you know that?"
"Because I was a virgin when I married my husband and he was a virgin."
Shocked expression on her face. "Really?"
"Yeah. And we've been faithful our entire marriage and this is our fourth child."
She pondered for a minute. "Okay, then I guess you can have it put in today!"

Last thoughts:
If you disagree with me on the abstinence thing, that's fine. But I'm warning you --any attempt at debate about this subject will bring out my claws. I will not apologize for teaching my children about the sacredness of sex, nor will I apologize for the messy results that have happened to many friends and family of mine because of their choice to engage in sexual relations outside of marriage. I have seen too many diseases, abortions (yes, abortions), divorces, unwanted pregnancies, teen mothers, and spiraling behavior due to this. I've had friends whose behavior changed so drastically after just one sexual experience that they were never the same. I've seen entire futures and careers being chosen due to sex outside of marriage. I've seen broken homes, broken parents, and broken lives. I've seen it start with sex and then end up with drugs. This is not something I'm just pulling out of the air because my religion teaches me about abstinence. This is something I have experienced through the lives of those around me. I will not apologize for my stance. I can't. And I won't.

Rant Over.


flip flop mama said...

Well said.

sariqd said...

It is so heart-breaking to see kids nowadays not have a clue why they should abstain. Then they go as far as "only" engaging in oral because it doesn't do anything to one's virginity. (Btw - HELLOOOO - you can still get STDs!)Then the whole emotional aspect of it. Yikes!

EXCELLENT post! Thank you so much for standing your ground!

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

No need for claws here. I agree. And because of my own post today, I've been thinking a lot of "Babylon culture" and how pervasive and intertwined it has become in our lives. It takes a lot of kicking and screaming (like this) to separate the two.

Desi said...

I completely agree with you on the abstinence thing! I also know however that at some point friends have a big influence over our kids, at least a span of time. It’s because of that that I will not only teach my children abstinence, but I will also be realistic knowing that 46% of all teenagers in this country have become sexually active by the time they are 19. Knowing that half of all the kids out there are having sex I have the responsibility to make my kids aware of what is out there and what they may be pressured into trying. I’ve been talking to my oldest about sex since she was five years old (because she came home from kindergarten and told me that so-and-so said boys wear sacks on their wieners when they have sex, therefore I explained condoms in the simplest way possible to my 5 year old…yikes) I think it’s really never too early to start talking to them, letting them know not only the dangers, but the wonderful things about sex and to explaining why abstinence is so important, for all of the consequences and benefits.

I’ve been reading this blog for a while now and I love how she recommends discussing sex with your children:

She also recommends this book from the Distribution Center which I ordered right away and love:

Cardalls said...

Amen and Amen!

Anonymous said...

WHAT!? Who wants it to be like the first time again? Come on, crazy people!

It's funny, 'cause it's true.

Michelle said...

Good stuff, friend.

But no claws necessary, I'd say. Truth is truth.

I'd add one more thing to your list -- who wants memories of past flings coming into your bedroom when you really do find the one you want to spend your life with?

Annette Lyon said...

I loved Janette's post too. Beautiful (and actually, not very ranty) rant.

I was watching a TV last night that had a couple waiting until after the wedding. I was all impressed. But then the bride was pressured by a friend because "what if the sex is bad?" By the end of the episode, they'd decided to do it.

I wanted to throw a brick at the TV.