Thursday, December 10, 2009

Brain Dumping

I have a friend who has been a friend since we were 4 years old. Maybe 5 years old. Anyway, she defriended me on Facebook sometime in the last few months. I'm not sure when. I know why she did it, but it still hurts, you know. I finally stopped playing my part of understanding listener and defended myself. Maybe I shouldn't have, since it burned that bridge right to the ground. But if a 25 year friendship can't survive some honesty, then what kind of friendship was it to begin with?
My husband is a better person than me. This is true because he sees things a little more clearly. Sure, his clear-headed-ness is not always correct, but at least he stops and thinks before he reacts.
Which is why most of his bridges remain sturdy and long-lasting.
Anwhosers, I've been having a hard time with a situation that I can't really get into right here, although I would like to. It has to do with my baby, me, and rejection. I can't seem to get over some things that were said years ago and actions that have taken place since July. My heart is hurting and I'm wracking my brain, trying to understand why people act the way they do. Luckily for me, I have Brandon to help me see that people show love in different ways. As we talked yesterday, I realized that taking offense when none is meant means I am the one who needs to forgive and forget. It's hard, though! So hard! Especially when it could affect (effect?) my baby and future children.

Oh, yeah. Future children.
You might as well know now, dear reader, but Brandon and I hope to have more children. Probably just one more. Of course, this won't happen until he is done with school (thank goodness!), and I've also learned the hard way that it might never happen (the miscarriage and inability to conceive when we wanted has taught me that I am NOT in control of this), but we want more.
Isn't that loony!? I want more children.
Who knew?
Well, I did. Since last April. After listening to Elder Oaks' talk.
Oh, and thanks to Alison for this talk, too. I needed to read that again!
Yeah, so. Umm. That's all. About that.

I will never begin to understand why some people believe that in order to be loved they must somehow be perfect. Or at least be seen as perfect. I don't get it. Nobody is perfect! We all make mistakes. And for me, those who choose to hide behind lies, rather than admit their mistakes and fix their situation, end up just making me angry. I can't be myself around them, I can't stop myself from wondering when they will be honest; it contradicts everything I believe in. So, I am cold and calculating, rather than warm and loving. I hate it. I hate being that way, too. Sure, I could just change myself, but once again there is that "this is so hard!" factor. And, of course, the husband is, again, much better at being warm and loving in this situation as compared to me.
Good thing one of us is!

My neighbor, Liz, is the bestest neighbor, ever. Hands down. Just fyi.


Amanda D said...

As for the friend that defriended you, I wouldn't worry about it. I bet she'll realize that she misses you and comes back. You're amazing!

My husband is WAY better than me too. It's a good balance, I think.

We're done having kids but I find myself baby hungry right now. :( I need to find a friend with a baby that they will let me hold!

Anonymous said...

I'm beginning to think that while friendships should be able to survive a little honesty, Facebook friendships are far too fragile for any sort of honesty. It is just too easy to de-friend someone. Easy enough to re-friend them, too, but once you've de-friended, you can't really un-de-friend, you know?

It was so much better when we just stewed over our resentments privately, rather than living out our passive-aggressive fantasies on the interwebs.

I have zero baby hunger. But something about feeling absolutely no internal pressure to have more children makes me enjoy other people's babies so much more now.

Cardalls said...

I would be sad if a 25 year friendship got "de-friended" on FB too.

As for having more kids...go for it if it's right for you! Just realize when you move out of Utah you will be in a fishbowl and people will think you are INSANE! Right now people cannot believe I'm having FIVE! Even in the church which I don't

Gio, Judi and Boys said...

Sorry about the de-friending friend. That is hard and must hurt after so long, but in the end, if it was that easy for her to take you off her list then...well you can fill in the blanks, but you're right, it still hurts. Though I have learned that hurt only hurts me and no one else. Your husband is a wise man and you are lucky to have him.
Gio is the same way..he thinks before he acts and speaks, I on the other hand have yet to learn that piece of wisdom. But I'm doing better! I can forget, but the forgiving is a problem for me. (either forgiving myself or someone else it is the same). I am learning that it only hurts me and not the other party.
As for future children. Good for you both if it is the right thing for both of you and your family!! You two are great people and parents. At Stake Conference last week I kept looking up and watching all of you. Your kids looked so happy and content and you and Brandon together made me smile. I loved the way that the baby went around to everyones arms. He is truely loved, just like any future children would be! I wishi I could have had more, but I am thankful for the two wonderful boys that I have. When you are told maybe none, two is like an army. Like I say, do the best with what you've got! You're a great mother, teacher, and woman and any child would be lucky and blessed to call you and Brandon parents.
As for bing perfect, don't you know that I am (NOT!). I never will be so I stopped trying. I just do like my mission president counseled me so many years ago, "do the best that I can do for today". That is all the Lord requires of me. I can't worry about others, what they think or say or don't say. I can't worry about yesterday or tomorrow, but I can work with today!
Have a great week!

Rachel Holtkamp said...

A few things:
More children, YAY for you! I think it's awesome that you're using your ability to bring children into this world, because there are so many who want to and can't, and there are so many who can and don't.
Facebook defriending: Remember, "You choose to be offended". I'm not saying YOU'RE the one who was offended, but it's all a choice we make. This person is missing out on YOUR friendship, it's not the other way around.
Perfect: Yeah, still working on believing that one. ;)

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

Sorry about the friend who de-friended you. Coming from personal experience, I can say she's probably going through a tough time right now. I'm glad that you were honest with her, that's the only way to be. It's times like these that help each of us to see who we really want in our lives.

Okay, now I'm all snoopishly curious about the situation you are in that you can't talk about here...hey, I'm done with school for the semester, so my listening ear is back in working order if you want to talk. ;)

Future children...I say GO FOR IT! It's not loony at all. You have an awesome family, one that any kid would be blessed to join. I'll just live vicariously through you...le sigh.

I have the same cold & calculating reaction to fake people. Why can't they just let the pretenses go?

Becky, I have 2 cats said...

Is it dumb the small # of times we actually talk and I'm about 95% sure that I know who the de-friender is? If it is, you've put in a lot of effort maintaining that relationship that didn't seem really reciprocated. Good riddance. Now you can spend that energy on someone else. Like you. Or your kids. Or wondering when I'm going to visit....... ;)

And the baby cravings are a whole other conversation we should have sometime.

Cheryl said...

I will let you hold my baby. I wish I could come visit you! Maybe I will later this year. ;)

Yes! We would all be better off stewing over our resentments privately. So true. So true.

Yeah, I'm used to the looks and the "you're insane!" remarks from strangers and family. I'm sad you are getting that from church members, though! That's not cool.

Hey! I saw you during Stake Conference, too. I almost waved, but then I thought it might be inappropriate since President Warner was speaking. But hey, you are so kind to us. You are fabulous!

It's true; I can choose to just let it go. I told a friend today: "She seems happier without me in her life, and I'm okay with that." I really think that maybe I am. Sad, but true.

We must talk! Perhaps we'll have to get together sometime soon. ;)

Becky and the 2 cats-
Not dumb at all! You're probably correct on who it is...
Yeah, when are you coming to visit?!? Baby cravings, eh? I'm liking that subject... :)

Alison Wonderland said...

Well shoot, I was planning on de-friending you but how can I follow a gal who has that kind of history with you? I just don't think it would have the same effect. I guess you're stuck with me.

I adore you, it was so good to talk to you this afternoon even though (possibly because) I monopolized the conversation.

nweames said...

That's why I don't really Facebook, too can't stand the rejection. :)

Husbands are great! Especially ones that know just what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it.

As for perfection -- wiser words were never spoken.

Janelle said...

Wow, I'm not on facebook enough to know if I've been defriended.

I'm not sure there are very many relationships that can actually handle honesty. And, honestly, I'm not sure if I'd be good at taking it if given openly to me. OUCH!

Husbands can be notoriously good clear thinkers.

I've decided to not burn bridges. I'd rather let the awkwardness simmer for years. Because, in the end, one of us may actually get better and the old friendship can resume. Lots of problems are situational, chemical induced, or insecurity induced. Sometimes these things change and all the good things you like about someone are still there and the bad things somehow went away. Hooray!

sunrabbit said...

I was highly tempted to post on your blog the other night, just for fun. But then I remembered that it would be rude. :) I admit I am very curious about the situation you referred to in your post ... what could have happened years ago that would effect #5 or any newcomers?! As for perfection, I do not pretend to be perfect, but, Cheryl, I REALLY REALLY WANT to be perfect. I don't know why. But I know that I can't, so it frustrates me no end. I need to get over it, but I'm a perfectionist, "it's so hard!", etc.. And YOU are the best neighbor I've ever had as well. Just so you know. Can't wait for my blessings, and I hope they are the kind I can eat.