Envy

Envy is supposedly really bad for you. It causes all kinds of bad things like green skin and anger and moping, although if you are Elphaba, I guess green skin is cool. And if you're a frog, green skin would be awesome. But the anger and moping -- or moping and anger --probably wouldn't do Elphaba or the frog any good, either.

And let's face it: Envy doesn't make much sense. I mean, it's always looking better over "there" and at the "neighbors." Somehow, their grass looks all fabulous, and our looks really gross, but we can't help it if our sprinklers broke! Plus, I tend to see things and think, "dang! I'm so glad I'm me!" For example, I wouldn't want to be living in a hole in the middle of a swamp or desert or jungle --although I'm sure many people living in holes in swamps, deserts, and jungles like it just fine, thank you very much --and I'm not envious of people with the plague and locusts. I'm very happy to be plague-and-locust-free. Plus, I'm happy that I have things like water and air and grocery stores and a car and a house and children and computers. I mean, if we're talking about being envious of a pretty good life in general, I'm sure I'm the envy of all I survey --and I'm surveyin' some pretty cute kids right now.

But anyway, my point...what was my point? Oh, yeah: Envy. Not cool.

Sadly, I have myself some envy. Not about my general life (as I already pointed out), but in the things that I wish I didn't have or did have or wanted or needed or whatever. It's not so bad when I have envy in general (like that life I have), but when I start to envy certain individuals, that's when the ugly anger and/or moping occurs. Not good.
The part I find hilarious, of course, is that the person (or persons) I tend to envy can't help that they are so beyond wildly awesome. Plus, they can't help that life has just pretty much always gone their way. Oh, sure, there's some crap in their lives (who in this world has a completely crappy-free life? You? No? I rest my case), but it's not my crap, and so it feels like theirs is so much better. Probably smells nice, too.

For example, I envy a certain person and she rocks. She has fabulous kids, amazing talents, loads of energy, and a gazillion friends. She's gorgeous, generous, and instantly a favorite of all who meet her, family and friends alike. She lives in an fabulous place with fabulous neighbors, is doing fabulously financially, and just seems to have an all out-an-out fabulous life. She would probably admit that she does, too, because she does! Is this wrong? To have a fabulous life? No! And so she's grateful for it --as she should be. She's fun, humble, and a great friend. I love her lots.

And I'm totally jealous of her.

Yes, yes, I know I'm just as fabulous (blah, blah, blah) and yes, I know she probably has some secret demons hiding in the closet because we all have imperfect lives (blah, blah, blah), and I'm sure she would never think these things about herself. I get it. I know. I know, but getting through the envy (deadly sin! Deadly sin!) is somewhat akin to swimming through some honey. But it's not so sweet, because there are gnats and spiders and bees in it. And bears! Because bears like honey...
Ummm...moving on...

Anyway, I know it's easy to say I should just forget it, and sometimes I do. I do the grateful lists (hooray for Thanksgiving!) and I feel better. But at times, I see this person's life and I think:
"Dang it all! Why can't I have that life?" because sometimes, I just need a break from my life and my challenges. Sure, they are mine and sure I would rather have mine than someone else's, and of course it's better to have my own challenges because these are the things I need to teach me the things I need to learn and know so I can grow, but...but...but!

Sometimes I don't want mine anymore.