It is precisely 5:26AM. And I can't sleep.
I've been up since 4:44AM, when my mind forced my body awake. We don't have to be to the hospital until 7:00AM, but for some reason, I'm especially anxious today.
I shouldn't be nervous, but I am. I shouldn't have concerns or fears, but I do. And what I'm finding to be the most nerve-wracking and concerning is not labor and delivery itself, but life AFTER the baby arrives. I would by lying if I said I'm not scared for the immediate future with a new infant.
One would think that after having four children, having another is just...normal. Perhaps one would think that I'm "used" to having babies, and therefore one more isn't going to change anything. But oh, dear reader, how wrong one would be to think in that way! Each child brings such a new dynamic to the family, to the routine, to the mind/heart --as s/he should, because each person is important. But more than this, I think I'm scared of the unknown:
*Will I get Postpartum Depression with this one?
*Will he be colicky?
*Will I have the support I need to make it through the next 6 weeks?
*Will all my optimism I've been bragging about fly out the window when I realize I truly cannot do it all?
*Will my other children suffer and turn to resentment?
I've been praying all morning that my mind will relax so I can get through labor without the tension I'm feeling. I don't mean to worry about things I cannot control --in fact, I try really hard not to. I don't want worry or fear to dominate this day, either.
So, I'm writing to get this out. Then I'm going to pray some more, ask Brandon for a blessing, take a long shower, and calm my nerves. Because no matter what happens after the baby is born --no matter what he and I have to face together --I will be eternally grateful for him. I'm anxious to meet him! I want to hold him in my arms, smell his sweet head, kiss his face, and know that he was meant to be a part of our family.
In fact, now as I'm writing about him specifically, I'm feeling calmer and calmer...
Wish us luck! I'm sure there will be a post later tonight with all the details.