Monday, June 01, 2009

Trying to Laugh Now

Haha! Hoohoo! Hoho! Heehee!

I'm trying. I'm really, really trying! And yet, at the same time, I'm going to be fine. I am. Because I feel fine. Not perfect, but fine. And fine is better that despair-like.

Let me tell you the tale of the last four days or so, dear reader --then you may understand my fine-ness and ramblings. You like stories, right? Horror stories? No? Well, read this one anyway. It's not so bad, now that I've re-told it:

So...Brandon had school this last weekend. He flies out on Thursdays nights and we say good-bye to him Thursday mornings (because he works all day and then goes straight to the airport after work). Thursday went just peachy-keen: #3 had his preschool graduation that night, and it was #2's last day of Kindergarten. I would show you pictures, but I can't upload them to this computer. Remember the Laptop Incident? Yeah.
Anyway, Friday comes. I've got energy (which, at 31 week preggers is pretty good still!) and we decide to have chore day. I was planning on attending the Provo HS graduation that afternoon, so I wanted the place done before-hand.
The chores begin.
They go pretty well. #1 had her last day of school, so it was just the 3 youngest and yours truly; we finished upstairs (well, the kids did), and because they had already cleaned the playroom, they had my permission to watch some TV in the basement. I had some more things to clean in the kitchen.
And then, as fate would have it, #2 yells up the stairs: "Mo-om! #4 is putting his head in the toilet!"
What the?!
I rush down the stairs (in my bathrobe glory) and head to the bathroom. Now, dear reader, to give you and adequate description about what is going to unfold, I need to explain the room situation in the basement. We have one family room/play room that runs the entire length of our ranch-style house with only a large counter/shelf thing dividing it. Imagine a rectangle --now divide it in half lengthwise. One of those halves is the fam rm/play rm. Got it? The other long half goes like this: Guest room, jack-n-jill bathroom, computer room, storage room, stairs. (well, there's a utility closet in there somewhere). The guest room, bathroom, and computer room are all connected via two doors. Does that make sense? No? Oh, well.

So, I come down the stairs, and go through the family room and am greeted at the door of the computer room by a wet #4. And then I noticed something blue on him. Light blue. And it smells good. Like coconut.
It's shampoo.
I then proceeded into said computer room and I literally collapsed on the floor in rage. Shampoo, conditioner, and peach-smelling hand soap is everywhere. Squirted on the floor. Squirted on the chair. Squirted on the COMPUTER MONITOR!
Now, before you freak out yourself, dear reader, you should know that the shampoo/conditioner we have in the shower of the guest bathroom is the Kirkland Signature brand and is in pump form. Therefore there was no dumping of shampoo on the carpet, if you will. It was squirts here and there --and for this? I am actually very grateful.

But then I walked into the bathroom and saw the unflushed toilet open (never been so grateful it was just urine, though!). So very, very gross. But there was sh/cond/soap all over that room, too. And then I continued and walked into the guest room --there was the sh/cond/soap combo all over the floor, the mattress, the sheets, the pillow, some toys, the bookshelf...and then I walked out the other door into the playroom and found the trail...on the rocking horse...on the train table...on the computer chair...on the computer!? (the kids have an old computer they can play games on in the playroom)...on the train...on the table...on the carpet...

And then the rage hit. The screaming, fit-filled, sobbing, words flying, crazy, crazy, crazy rage. I spanked #4 and raged against #2 and #3 for letting him do it (and yes, I found out shortly, they knew ALL ABOUT IT, and didn't bother to TELL ME). I made the kids stay downstairs and watch me clean it up (and run errands and throw things away and get towels, etc.) and I grounded them from all TV, Computers, Video Games, whatever for the rest of the day (I should have done it longer). It took me over an hour to clean up that mess, and then I bathed the disgusting #4 (yes. I waited to do him last. I am very aware of all the damage the pee could have done to his body. If pee, in fact, can damage a body...?).
Besides the rage that consumed me (and scared the livin' heck outta me that I might go into labor), three things resulted from this experience:
1. The basement now smells delightfully peachy-coconut-y.
2. #4 really was sorry --and how can you blame a 2-year old for such behavior? In fact, that's why the older two got the worse punishment. I was upstairs for less than 30 minutes, and they have always done well watching him. And he has never had the tendency to destroy so much before. But then again, read my last post. He's changed, dear reader!
3. The computer monitor in the computer room --THE ONLY COMPUTER I HAVE LEFT TO EVEN USE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!!!! --now has some kind of short in it. This now causes the monitor to turn off and on at will --at strange times. Which means, sometimes, I have no working monitor. Other times, it just flicks on and off. Other times, it works just fine.

Seriously!? SERIOUSLY!?

However, life calmed down. Friday afternoon I enjoyed 2 hours without children at the PHS graduation. It was lovely; it was calm. Friday night, the kids were great. So great, in fact, I pulled the Big No's of All Parenting and let them watch one show with me (I couldn't help it! I love Phineas and Ferb!).

Saturday was a different story: I got sick. So sick, that by Saturday night, #1 made dinner and the rest of the kids cleaned everything up afterwards. As I lay on the couch in pain and agony. See? I really do have good kids --when shampoo is not involved.

Sunday was worse --well, sickness-wise. We had to pick Brandon up from the airport, and when I woke up even more sick (we're talking intestinal sick, if you must know. My head and throat was fine --it was the other virus. But see, I don't throw up --but it has to come out somehow, eh? And I was terrified the whole time that it would induce labor. See? Rage and Intestinal problems = scary stuff. Or maybe the rage from Friday caused it? Nah. Too far apart.), but we HAD to get him. And asking someone to pick up hubby from the airport on a Sunday morning?? Too hard. Either people have meetings, or it's too far to drive up there, or it's too far to bring him to us...totally not worth the aggravation (or guilt trips). So, I drove up to SLC with the kids and we picked him up. And I grimaced the whole way (but made it! I rock!).

However, I didn't go to Church. And it's a gooooooooood thing.

Brandon was awesome, though. He took the kids to church (with his own sore throat) and took care of them the rest of the day (and me!). He let me just lie there and watch movies (Groundhog Day, how I love you!) and put the kids to bed. In fact, it was so awesome, that by this morning, I felt great! I feel so much better today. Which is good, considering it's our first day of Summer Vacation. But we started our routine, and I think it's going to work well. The sad part?
Brandon's now sick. He had to stay home and he sounds like a barking seal.
It's a good thing one of us is well! Taking turns totally works.
The other sad part? Having to use my VT's computer again because I still don't have the software for the Neighborhood Newsletter (you know, my calling. That I did easily before the Laptop Incident).

The craziness, dear reader, continues to abound. And I'm trying to laugh. I really am. Because my life could be so, so, so much worse. I mean, back when #1 was four-years-old, she and her friend found Sharpies and wrote all over their bodies, their swimming suits, and my friend's brand new IKEA couch (this was before IKEA was in Utah).

Don't blame me if I go crazy for a while, okay?

Pull out the stories, dear reader --tell me about the the worst (or one of the worst) things you found your kid had done in your house (or in your friend's house). I wanna know I'm not alone!


Julie P said...

What a weekend - you deserve some kind of award! Do you really want to know the mess? I used to think it was the vaseline incident. Don't know about that? Put "Vaseline" into my search box on the blog and get the Dec 23, 2006 entry. But. Then there was the past 12 days. Where Josh smeared poop, yes poop, everywhere in his room. Not once, not twice. FIVE times. Maybe 6? Thankfully, the last time was juts on the walls and window, because I had just cleaned the carpet twice the day before (even though I'd been cleaning the poop spots with the cleaner every time he did it, I wanted to get the whole room really good). So, yes, I know your rage. And the feeling of being so out of control you're kind of scared? We've been smeared poop free for 5 full days keeping my fingers crossed it's over.

Kelly said...

Ohh, eeek, WOW!

Hang strong!

Comet, vaseline and two 2-year olds.

Amanda D said...

Sounds rough, Cheryl. I'm so sorry! I hope this week is better!

Annette Lyon said...

Holy, freak, girl!

Next time, have him get a shuttle from the airport!

Hope all is much, much better this week!

Amy said...

My messy incident involves peanut butter, the carpet, and two beige colored love seats.

It's so true that being a mother isn't really so much about how the kids turn out, but more about how we turn out. :)

earlfam said...

I wasn't really so bad actually especially since it was pool related and my husband handles all pool related problems so he actually cleaned it all up, but I'm not sure I've ever been quite so mad for quite so long as I was on Saturday when I found out that my four and seven year olds had put rocks and dirt in the pool filter on Friday. Because THEY KNOW BETTER!!!!! And that was what really, really, had me steamed. They were immediately removed from the pool and made to watch their dad clean while their sister continued to swim. They are banned from swimming all week (and we intend to swim in and make them watch every day). But I just didn't really feel like that was enough, so I made the seven year old write 10 times "I will never put anything in the pool again," while the four year old stood in time out and had to repeat the same sentence whenever called upon (about once a minute). Of course there were multiple lectures and threats but whenever I think about it I still just don't think it's enough, so there probably will be more repetitive activities throughout the week, because if this ever happens again--heaven help those boys!

Glad you're feeling better!!

Laura said...

What a weekend! :) Katie is only 18 months and still follows me around everywhere I go like a puppy dog, so she can't get into much trouble before I notice and stop her, but ask me about some horrible toddler stories in about 6 months and I'm sure I'll have them. I just need to add another kid into the equation too for a guaranteed mess.

Reading about your experience helps prepare me mentally for what is to come. Thanks for sharing it! :)

Anonymous said...

You're not alone. I'm sure there is something, but it's just not coming to mind. I must be repressing.

Oh, wait! There was that time my 2 year old scribbled all over my brand new couch (all three cushions) in ball point pen. Huge, sweeping circles. Luckily, we bought thos microfiber couches, so I was able to get it all out. But I still cried when I saw it.

Cardalls said...

gallon of apple juice on the floor mixed with buckets full of sand. your mess sounds worse...mine was all on tile. all while i'm cleaning up a newborns blowout upstairs. i love being a mommy! i loved it when a few years ago at Women's conference the class you absolutely couldn't get into because of the huge lines was the class on managing anger and are not alone!

Susan M said...

You'll laugh about it someday. It might take years, but it'll be funny eventually.

My oldest took a sharpie and put X's all over the house when he was in kindergarten. In school they had a calendar and everyday they'd X out the day before. I had X's on my door, my picture frames, and was getting really mad until I went out on the deck (to yell at him in the backyard) and turned and saw X's on the vinyl siding outside. Then I just had to laugh.

I still have the picture frames with the big black X's on them in my living room.

FluffyChicky said...

Duuuude! That totally sucks!

So far, the worst thing The Kids have done was color all over their bodies with a black permanent marker...they were pretending to be tattoo artists or something.

Summer said...


By the way, I love Phineas and Ferb.

FoxyJ said...

Oh my. I would have lost it too. Especially with the older ones standing by and not doing anything. I hate that. The worst incident I've had with my own kids wwas when I had a 2 1/2 yr. old who tried to change her own poopy diaper. Not fun.

My parents still talk about the time we kids had a lotion fight in their bedroom. And I'm now 31, so it happened a long time ago. Apparently my mom could do nothing but break down and sob. There was also the time my little brother colored on every single piano key with sharpie. It was a heirloom piano with original ivory keys, but after that my dad had to replace them with plastic.

blogging and bliss~ said...

Fingernail polish all over the carpet! Yes we left my kids and my friends kids at my house with husband while we went and finished cleaning her house(she was about to move) And while we were gone my daughter and her friend got polish everywhere! Yeah it was not fun to clean up at all....

Alison Wonderland said...

Urine's sterile so you're golden (sorry, I couldn't resist) there. Oh, the messes. And the pouring out of the shampoo. I've so been there.
Phineas and Ferb is the best freaking show on television!
You totally should have called me, I absolutely could have
picked Brandon up.
Plan on me for the lunchy thing, in Salt Lake if possible.

Anonymous said...

Too many stories, so little time.

Your shampoo/conditioner story is better than my kid story from yesterday, which was Elvis dumping a can of pears into a bowl too small to hold all those pears + pear juice/syrup and subsequently trying to carry the overflowing pear/pear syrup bowl around the kitchen. The fact that you were grateful that there was no shampoo in the carpet reminds me that I was grateful that he chose to spill pear syrup on my kitchen floor on a day when the floor hadn't just been mopped (when it was, in fact, in dire need of mopping anyway).

Cheryl B. said...

We had four sons out of six pregnancies in six and a half years time - all of them planned against. Chaois was the norm. We had dubbed our "boys" (whom are now all in their 20's) "Seek, Destroy, Destruct, and Dismantle". True, often certain sons filled certain positions (titles), but, they all just made sure all positions did get covered :-/. Craziness often still reigns when they are all together . . . and oh the stories that get brought up . . .
hang on girl!!! And keep chocolate handy ;-b