Thursday, September 18, 2008

Do You Ever Get Sick Of Hearing Me Complain?

I do. I get sick of it all the time.

So sick, that sometimes I take me by the shoulders, give 'em a good shake, look me in the eye and yell, "Snap out of it, you crazy woman! Can't you see what a miserable wretch you are? Get over it!" Usually after these episodes, I feel guilty for making me feel so bad, but it has to be done. It quite often has to be done. I mean, what else can I do for me? I can't force me to change, but I can't stand by and watch me whither in self-pity and look pathetic in front of all my blogging friends. And real friends. So, I have to do to me what I know I would do to myself. And that is putting the smack-down!

But then other times, I let me get sad and internally complain the day away. Even when I can head off the depression and feel it coming, I know I won't be able to stop it from overtaking me, and it makes me sad that I can't help me some more. I get almost as sad as me gets. Because I like me. I really do. This is why I have to go all vigilante on me sometimes and thus the shaking of my shoulders and yelling and such. Tough love, people. Tough love.

It's hard to see someone suffer, especially if we love that person, right?



corinne said...

i am a new reader to your blog. yesterday i spent probably two hours reading it.

i just want to say thank you, thank you, for your insight. i can't say that i understand what you're going through because everyone's experiences are different. but i can appreciate some of your feelings, and your experience with depression. your writing has inspired me to do better at overcoming my own depression.

thank you've really helped me and uplifted me. i'm impressed with how you are so proactive at dealing with these problems. i have a new desire to shake my own shoulders and stop the inner monologue of self-pity and complaining. :)

TaLaisa said...

Awww. I know what you mean, truly do.

It's a fine line between sympathy, for a miserable illness that makes you feel nutty ,and allowing yourself to wallow in self pity. A place that for me only gets deeper the longer I allow myself to stay.

As a depressed person, I'm not as clearly able to see that line and waltzing right over it is a cinch.

Being able to explain away those feelings makes you see clearly what in your minds eye is often, too often a jumbled up mess. Thinking out loud to a friend be it online or in person can help make sense of those things.

And for those of us who love you too, it's venting, it's thinking out loud, it's trying to figure out what all those thoughts are doing to your emotional health. It is not complaining at all.

I think that if most people knew what depression felt like there would be more empathy and understanding and less judgment and criticism. And that in turn would make it easier to deal with the depression monster.

Julie said...

I actually appreciate what you say and work out here on the blog, Cheryl. Because I don't have depression, it's hard for me to understand it. It's hard to see why someone can't just "pick themselves up by their bootstraps." Being able to read what you're dealing with and others, too, helps me to understand that (to shamelessly lift a phrase from Barack Obama) some people don't have boots. I think that must be what depression is like? But I applaud you for recognizing it and working your way through it. It's admirable and beautiful.
Like you.

bythelbs said...

You obviously just don't love yourself enough. Snort.

I'll just have to love you some more to make up for it. *Big hugs*

Summer said...

*Hugs* Cheryl.

You are a good person. No doubt in mind.

Cheryl said...

I love you guys. Lots and lots.

And corinne, Welcome! Come back again, okay? I'm glad you've found something here that might help. I figure this is why we blog; to help each other.

Amber said...


Depression sucks. And the worst thing about it? You feel worse because you just can't easily kick it. And then the cycle continues.

Don't worry--your faithful friends and blog readers will always be here!