We are hoping that this one stays...

I am 11 weeks along.

There is no guarantee that this baby will stay. There is no guarantee that I will not end up in the ER like I did in April with another miscarriage. There is no guarantee that I will have a baby on Valentine's Day at precisely 40 weeks. And there is no guarantee that I will ever again be able to have confidence and comfort that this baby will be all right even if he/she lasts until 40 weeks.

I've never been so scared before. I never knew how vulnerable I was. And I never knew how utterly helpless I am.

My miscarriage in April has taught me the following:

• I have no control. God is in control and He will give and take as He pleases.
• God loves me. He knows what I need and when I need it --He prepared me for the miscarriage, and He miraculously allowed us to conceive very soon thereafter, although it should have been impossible.
• I never knew how frightened I could be over something that I have no control over.
• I know that I am not alone. Many, many, many women have experienced this and most on a much larger and harsher scale. I am not alone.

I don't think I will ever be the same. With my first three babies, the confidence level, the joy, and the immediate love was high, high, high. Right now, I am having a hard time rejoicing over something that we have wanted for a long time. It's hard to get excited over something that could be taken away from us so easily. But shouldn't that make it more fragile? More loved? More hoped for?

Will I ever be able to love my pregnancies again? Will I ever be able to NOT worry again? How does anyone handle something like this?

P.S. DISCLAIMER: Some will think it's premature of me to be announcing this so early. But I am already in some maternity-wear and have been for a week now. And instead of making any kind of an announcement vocally, people can read about it here. Hmmm...maybe this will really show me who reads my blog and who doesn't... :)