Saturday, March 04, 2006

My "Funk"

I've been in a "funk" to speak...and I have a feeling that I'm not the only mom to have felt this way.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not suicidal, I haven't every considered harming my kids or dh (although when the garbage doesn't get taken out, I do get a tad freakish...). But parts of me want to just run home to mother.

If I did run home to mommy and daddy and left my life behind, I know without a doubt that my parents would kick me in the head and send me back. Good parents! So, I've never seriously considered running home to mother --not seriously, anyways.

The part that scares me is that I've even WANTED to run away. This feeling usually occurs while the house is a disaster (oh, I'm getting on that maid thing! See previous maid post), my kids are throwing tantrums, and dh is working late or with the YM or somewhere else. And then I throw my hands up in the air, plop on the couch, and sometimes just cry.

I feel so scared when I start to "give up". When I start asking myself, "Why did I want to do this?" and "Why are we trying to have another one of these hellians?" And then I daydream about all the traveling I would do if I had no children and start to think about all the education I would have gotten if I hadn't gotten married (sidenote: I do have a Bachelor's --I'm thinking MBA or MFA or MFT...) .

Then I freak out! WHAT!???!!?!? Why would I want anything different? These cute, adorable, lovable children that are mine and that dorky, sexy dh that is mine --why am I wishing them away?

The older women in my ward are always telling me to enjoy my kids while they are young because they will grow up so fast. I'm sure this is true, but at the same time, I'm so looking forward when they can dress, feed, bathe, and take care of things on their own so that I can ENJOY them. Ahh, you say, but then they become moody pre-teens! And then crazy adolescents!

Okay, okay, I concede. Parenthood is hard no matter what age the kids are...but for now, how do I get out of this funk? This rut of "Why?" Forget all that eternal stuff --I know the gospel is true and eternal families are wonderful and whatever, blah, blah, blah. Looking at the big picture isn't helping me. I need to deal with this on a very temporal and very short focused amount of time --hour by hour some days. How do I get myself out of this pity party? This rut? This funk? How do I be happy again with the beautiful family that I have? Any ideas would be helpful...

1 comment:

Jan said...

Oh, my gosh, I could have written that post!! Cheryl, I've been reading all your blogs since I sent you that email today, and I miss you so much! I just want to call you up, leave the kids at home, and meet up at Coldstone at the University Mall. I totally know the funk feeling! And even though I only have one child, and she is a joy, and she does sweet, cute things daily, sometimes I just think "What did I get myself into?" and "What am I going to do come July?"

But I think your blog is so theraputic for you. And I, like you, am catching the bug. I don't really have any advice for getting over the funk, but I wanted you to know that it's not only you.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY a few weeks ago!