Awesome Sauce

My brain is going a million miles a second and I need to dump it all somewhere, so here you go, dear reader:

*I think, after watching the debates on Monday, that our two main party candidates are a horrifying, yet realistic, portrayal of how far our country has drifted from common sense and integrity. People just aren't nice, anymore. Everyone is power hungry and selfish. And the few who stay in politics who are not power hungry and selfish are usually trampled on and shut out. It's really disheartening.

*I think I love red roses almost as much as I love yellow roses.

*If I don't do my "job" and keep the house organized, clean, and flowing, the house falls apart. I'm the invisible glue behind the scenes and it's assumed I'll always do my part. But I'm starting to not like my part. I feel unappreciated and overwhelmed, and when that happens, I can't function. I break down, shut down, and then don't do anything. Most see this as lazy. But if they were inside my mind, they would see it as survival. It's like the opposite of my flight or fight response --instead, I freeze.

*I hate whiny voices. I hate whining.

*I love the Timeless Romance Anthology series. I get them on my Kindle. I need to buy every one and read them all! (There's like, 18, now! I'm super behind!)

*Social media gives us such an unrealistic feeling of connection. How many people that we speak with daily on social media would we ever connect with in real life if social media didn't exist? I have (had) almost 1,000 "friends" on Facebook. What does that even mean? 80% of them never communicated with me. Now that I've left, 80% of the 20% who did communicate with me no longer communicate with me. I wonder how many people I have forgotten after they left social media outlets...

*I have really great friends, though. And my ward, here, is amazing. I need to be surrounded by good women, and I feel blessed to have been influenced by so many.

*General Conference today came at the most perfect time. I've had a horrid week. Emotionally and mentally I've just been... well, see the housework thing I wrote just a minute ago. I've been frozen. I'm grieving, I'm broken, and I'm not looking for the solutions in the right places. General Conference has reminded me (once again, Hallelujah!) what I need to do. It won't be easy, but I have some repenting to do. And new habits. And they may take a lifetime, but that's okay.

*Also, those friends I mentioned: I reached out on Instagram about how awful I was feeling as I hid out in my backyard, this morning, and so many people messaged me, commented on my post, and texted me to let me know I wasn't insane or stupid for sharing. I'm grateful for those kind words. They made such a difference for me.

*I sometimes think that if I had lived many years ago, before there wasn't so much dang information being thrown at me in thousands of ways, I might not be so fascinated with my own feelings. Or my own mind. Perhaps I wouldn't have so much down time where I could write posts like these or share Instagram photos and wax and wane on the injustice of the modern mother (or just my quirky emotions). I'd be too busy feeding my family. My chores would take the bulk of the day, and even if I had been rich and had servants, I would be learning to speak French, embroider, and do archery. I think that might be the plague of our time: idleness. Hmmm... Thinking out loud, now, but even when I'm at my busiest, I still have the time to check my phone... I'm not taking modern convenience for granted! Just wondering how to modify the need to be busy with the need to relax...

*I have so many dreams about where I want to go and who I want to be and I find it makes me sad to think about it too much. It doesn't stop my heart from planning and hoping, though. I know I have been so blessed to have traveled to so many amazing places already, but I just wish I could see more. I want to see the world!

*Speaking of travel, we have signed #1 up for a trip to South America this summer with her Spanish class. Isn't that crazy!? Awesome, but crazy! She's pretty excited.

*I hate ants. And cat poop. And cat throw-up. And big spiders. And creepy moths. Also, laundry.

*If I could hire out one thing it would be laundry. I have so much laundry and I'm buried in laundry and when I freeze (like this week), then I have mountain ranges of laundry. In the summer, the kids fold it. During the school year, nobody has time. I could make them, but they're already so dang busy with school and other chores. Usually, I just let them shove their clothes in their drawers or leave them in a laundry basket in their room. Seriously, it's whatever.

*I love Autumn, but I hate how it gets dark so early. I would love it if we could have two months of winter, two months of summer, and then in between, we've got 4 months of Spring (with no snow) and 4 months of Autumn. And the sun rises by 6AM every day and sets at 9PM every night. That would be perfect!

*Marriage advice (asking for a friend): how do you jump start your relationship again?

*I've recently been feeling great regrets about letting go of some friendships. Not all, just some. I know friendships come and go, we need new people to teach us new things, etc, but I wish I could have just not burned so many bridges. Or just drifted away. In fact, now that I think about it some more, most were just relationships that drifted apart. And now I'm on the shore, looking out into the water, wishing I could see some of them. (*sniff)

*That whole Brad and Angelina divorce thing is sad.

*If I could just get baby girl to sleep at night (yes, I know, whatever, don't judge), then my daily schedule could look like this:
Up at 5:30AM to exercise and shower
Get kids up at 6:30AM
8AM, eat breakfast, read scriptures, journal, write the next great American novel, whatever, feed little kids, start on chores and because I get such a good start on the day, by 10AM, I'll have nothing else to do! So I could work on music, organize the house, go to the park, run errands, visit friends.

Someday, dear reader. It'll happen again, someday (I say, "again," because at one time, I was able to do all of that and it was awesome sauce. Do the kids still say, "awesome sauce?").

Ah, I feel better. Thank you for indulging me, dear reader. My brain is grateful for the dumping.