Monday, July 08, 2013

Just Some Random Thoughts and Updates. Nothing to See, Here!

Well, hello, dear reader!

It's been a while. No excuses, just not feeling the urge to write. Isn't that crazy?! I always feel the urge to write. Not sure why I've been so MIA, except that a lot is going on. I'll have to share pictures again at some point.

Since I last wrote, #1 returned from Girl's Camp in one piece and with a stronger testimony of her Savior. #2 has let me brush out her hair three times (four?) and is only screaming like she's dying every single time. Yep, every time. All the kids have discovered (thanks to their father) Minecraft and are thusly addicted, especially #3 and #4. #5 is now in love with popsicles (I buy real fruit kind; they are not cheap!). #6 is still climbing everything, turned 16 months old, and keeps me on my toes at Church. And at home. And when we travel. And just all the time. Brandon has been traveling as usual, but we've been on some fun dates. Mostly dinner, but who cares? This is a photo I found that represents our relationship quite well:



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We spent the Fourth of July being lazy at home. Brandon took three of the kids to the parade (in Provo) while I stayed home with the other three. We did go watch the big fireworks in the evening, but aside from the hot dogs we had for lunch, we weren't very celebratory. It was hot and we're getting old.

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My parents and sister's family went to Canada last week; alas, we did not. Brandon's extended family's  Lopez trip is this week; alas, we are not going.

However! We ARE going to Aspen Grove Family Camp next month! WHOO-HOO!!! (Did I already tell you this? If I did, please ignore me). Dear reader, we have been trying to get to AG for 13 years. Thirteen years! We worked there in 1999 and 2000, but we've never been back for more than an overnight stay since then. Well, this year (the 50th Anniversary), the stars aligned and it just happened to work out in every way for us to go for a whole week with our kids. We are so excited!

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In two weeks, I'm going to Idaho. Whoo-hoo! Idaho friends, my sister and I are planning a Jensen's Grove get-together. We're thinking it will be the best way to see as many people as possible. I'll be sure to announce details as the time gets closer.

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We bought a family pass to the new Provo Rec Center. It's fun!

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We play too many video games, watch too much TV, spend way too much time playing and reading and avoiding the laundry. But I figured it's summertime and the laundry still gets done, as do the dishes and the bathrooms. I'm learning to really be okay with it, and not just because I should/could, but because I'm getting healthier --emotionally and mentally.

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I got to see my former roommate Laura and her family, as well as my BFF. My brother rolled into town long enough to do some fireworks with our kids (on the 3rd) before I took him to the airport to join his wife/daughter on vacation. We celebrated my FIL's birthday last night with dinner and cake (and more fireworks), and I'm still stunned to realize that #5 will be four years old soon (in 3 weeks!).

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I've made some amazingly good friends during the last 6 months. I met them on a large family forum for LDS women, and they are like soul mates to me. Aimee and Katie are my new heroes, and along with Ann (you all know Ann), we have become a fun little bunch. I've met some good women in that group.

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I'm still overweight (obese, I guess), but I'm walking for an hour (fast pace) every morning and sometimes going to the Rec center and also doing some circuit training. I bought clothing (long maxi dresses/skirts and shirts, light jacket things) that makes me feel beautiful and I eat less. No, I'm not losing loads of weight quickly. No, I don't mind. I'm doing it the right way. I'll get there.

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I got to play this piece in Sacrament Meeting a few Sundays ago. It's just beautiful! I am going to brag a little here: I printed it off on the Friday morning before I had to perform it (so, learned it in less than two days). I feel good about saying this because if you knew me when I was 18 and what I was capable of performing/playing, you would think that learning my piece in two days would be no big deal. But, dear reader, as we know, with things of this magnitude (talents and such), when you do not practice as rigorously, you lose skill. Thus it has been with my piano performing. At one time, I was coaxing the likes of Kabelevksy from a piano --now, however, I would be embarrassed to attempt the same caliber of music and would need months to practice. Therefore, knowing what I could have done then, finding myself learning something new and performing it fairly well (it wasn't perfect, by all means), I felt good. I felt good that I could still pull from myself something I thought I had lost. And because of it, I've been playing much more! I am finding myself at the piano more often. Now, if we could stop the toddler from interrupting every chord I attempt to play, we might have some real practice sessions on our hands!

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I'm surprised at my self-restraint, being that I've kept our desire for another child semi-private from the blog this year. In times past, dear reader, you would have known about all my thoughts/feelings on the matter of impending (and longed for) pregnancy. I think I didn't do it this time because I really felt that #6 was our last. Coming to the conclusion that he was not came from very personal and poignant experiences. So, I wanted to just announce the pregnancy when it happened.

But it hasn't happened, yet. So, today I'm breaking my streak of silence because I'm sad. It's been seven months since we started "trying" and... it will be at least another month, eh? I don't want to dwell on it too much, but I need to stop the comments before they come in. Yes, I know I'm blessed with six kids. Yes, I know that seven months isn't long at all (try 5 or 10 or 15 years).  Yes, I know it will probably happen. Yes, I know I'll be okay if it doesn't happen. Yes, I know that this is the right thing for our family and I know it because of prayer and personal inspiration and the Holy Ghost. Yes, I know I'm not too old. Yes, I know I'm not too young. Yes, I know my weight might have something to do with it. Yes, my husband is on board (obviously). Yes, I know I have depression. I know all of these things. And yet, still... my heart still hopes...

I guess I just feel the need to share my grief. My blog, my grief, right? Why not, eh?

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Learned this last month:

1. Amazed at how quickly things can change.
2. Embarrassed by my behavior towards a long-time friend.
3. Humbled at the realization that I am just as petty and sinful and judgmental as everyone else.
4. Still surprised at the lack of education people have. Not necessarily academia, but how to communicate with other people. But then see #2 up there. I was the one not communicating well in that instance. *facepalm

7 comments:

Christy said...

looking at the pics on your sidebar...how could you NOT want another one of those little LOVES?? they are beautiful! Some women are blessed w/ the patience, love, strength and a million other attributes - that allows them to welcome more and more children. That is the great thing about the gospel - we all have different gifts and callings in this life - and the Lord - thru the spirit - is the only one that can tell you what is right for you and your family. I commend you for putting this out there - when you are always so leary of those that are quick to jump on your for even thinking about this. But - there are those of us who are jumping for joy that you are ready to welcome another strong spirit in to your loving home!

And...the heartache of not being able to have a child when you SO long for one - doesn't matter the length of time...it still HURTS! So - i am praying for you. I hope that in your "trying" attempts that you are successful soon!

love you!

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I've missed you, my friend. Here's a cyberhug to hold us over until we get to see each other again. ((HUG!!))

Cheryl said...

Christy,
Thank you so much. You are awesome!!

Mother,
I've missed you, too! (((hug back!)))

Cheryl said...

I think anytime you feel ready and inspired to have a baby and it doesn't happen it's heart wrenching. I waited over a year to get pregnant with my first and almost 3 to get pregnant with my #3, it was hard! Just because you haven't waited for years doesn't discount your pain and desire for another lovey. I see new babies and my ovaries ache in the worst way. I know we are complete with 5 and I am so very grateful for my kiddos (at one point we were told we would only have 2) and for my health sake (and I'm not young anymore :) we need to be done, but it still makes my heart ache just a little

The Wright Family said...

I'm so sorry. We are going through the same thing and it hurts. I'm trying really hard to just give it to the Lord- they are His spirit children, we have a good home and would welcome them, but we can't do more than... well... you know... ;)

So I try to just smile and remember that He has a plan. It's really hard some days, but it's getting a little easier.

I'm sure that your desire to welcome spirit children into your good home pleases our Father in Heaven.

Courtney N said...

Oh Cheryl! I miss you, your husband, and your adorable kids! Just sayin' :-)

Amanda D said...

Love the update, Cheryl. You have to love busy-ness!