I'm supposed to be giving a presentation on how to rejoice in each season of motherhood (with the knowledge that Jesus is women's greatest supporter) at BYU's Women's Conference next week, and I think Satan knows it. And either I'm going to have great influence for good and he can't stand that, or he just wants me to fail so I will feel like a failure. He'd like that, for sure.
Because everything I'm writing feels hypocritical and every word feels almost... forced.
Because each time I try to be a good example to what I'm talking about, I fail. Pretty well, too.
I write about not judging other mothers, but all I can think about are those perfect mothers who make life look simple and beautiful and never have a complaint --or are just really, really, really good at hiding it behind flowering words, stunning photos, and highlights of their awesomeness.
I write about how to apply the Gospel and the overall Plan of Salvation to motherhood, but then I forget how to do that in my own life.
I write about how to find joy in young motherhood (i.e. mothering young kids) and how blessed I feel to have so many kids, but then I treat my children like inconveniences for interrupting me as I'm typing the words.
I write about how Jesus Christ atoned for everything, and then I forget to ask for Divine help and for forgiveness. I forget to repent.
So I pray, I rewrite, I ponder, I rewrite, I pray, I rewrite again. It's coming together, but not quickly enough (it's next week, people! NEXT. WEEK!).
It's also kind of hysterical (in a sobbing kind of way) at how much I have left to accomplish (writing the presentation aside) and how I feel crippled into doing nothing instead. The boxes of cereal I purchased from Costco yesterday are still sitting on the table. I haven't swept the floor in a few days. The laundry... blerg.
I won't bore you with the lists of things I have to take care of this week and the lists of things I've had to turn down in order to do the lists of things that take priority. Things like finding sitters for Women's Conference because I honestly can't think of anyone to take my kids. It's not just about babysitting a few kids for a few hours, you see. It's about driving kids to soccer games and picking up the Kindergartener and taking them to the elementary school fundraiser 5K and all of that junk. I honestly, seriously am having a major meltdown. Panic attack, really. I feel paralyzed, so instead of working through it, I procrastinate it. Instead of finding someone, I look for reasons why I couldn't possibly ask "that" person.
The other problem is that my brain is going crazy thinking about all the other things in the world that need attention. There's the UN being forced by countries (our country) to accept sexual freedom in order to get food, there's the Boy Scouts thing, there's admission of truth by the LGBT community, as well as Monsanto still being evil and Common Core going national. Yay. Whoo.
I'm trying to find the silver lining in all of these things. In the disaster of a family outing last night. In my fatigue. In my loneliness (husband is gone this week).
There are some (silver linings). Laughter and kisses, kids practicing their piano the first time I ask. Surprise gifts in the mail and most of all, my daughter's twelfth birthday (new post to follow on that).
Life goes on. Spring feels like it might actually be here to stay (not holding my breath) and soccer season ends next week. I'll finish my presentation and it won't have false doctrine in it (*crossing fingers). By this time next month, I'll be worrying about something else or feeling like a failure in another way.
So... I'll try not to feel like a failure right now. *Try* being the operative word, of course, but I know it'll all work out. It always does, right? It always does.