Where does my anger come from? I'm trying to figure it out. Where does the frustration turn into anger? How can I stop it before I lose all control?
I say things I don't truly mean. I throw tantrums like a child. It's as if I don't know how to express my emotions like a big girl --I don't know how to use my words.
It's harder when I'm communicating with children. I try to use my words, but they refuse to use theirs. It's a disaster, really.
I've read Love and Logic. I don't necessarily agree with all of it. Life isn't as cut/dry as they make it sound. There's entirely too much grey.
I've let my standards drop significantly. It hasn't helped; sometimes it feels we're worse off. So, I raise them again, but the kids aren't ready for it, and then we forget to use our words, and the tantrums begin.
Where is that line? Between letting my children be children and teaching them responsibility? Work is important, but childhood comes but once. Enabling is not something I agree with, but how important is it that the house be spotless in the face of childhood dreaming?
I've struggled with this concept for years. I've rewritten chore charts a million times (or at least 8 times) and I tell my kids that my job is to teach them how to be hard workers, to teach them how to be responsible so they can live on their own. But three year olds do not understand this idea --if anything, it causes consternation because he doesn't want to live on his own!
I feel myself struggling because it's not so much that I have a conflict of interest with the kids (which, of course, I do), but because I feel so alone in doing it. I could blame my husband, but I won't. Yes, he travels for work a lot. Yes, he volunteers to serve others a lot. Yes, he is tired when he is home and true, he was raised VERY differently than I was when it comes to gender roles. But he does his best. He supports me and stands up for me, he helps me when he is home. He runs errands for me so I don't have to traipse out in the world with all the kids. But see, the hardest part is that the bulk of the cleaning/living/daily grinding occurs when he's at the office, working his tail off to provide for us. Thus the lonely struggle.
Yes, I'm still on my medication. Yes, I still use the things I've learned in therapy. Yes, we're going to have more children. Yes, I pray a lot. I'm just trying to figure out how I can control my inner tantrum-thrower and lead my small brood with some decorum and resolve.
How do you do it? Those of you who are prone to anger or depression or desperation --how do you lead with grace? How do you stand firm with kindness? How do you show a good example without resorting to tantrum-throwing? If you could help me, I would really appreciate it. I'm feeling embarrassed at my lack of self-control. :(