Today was one of the most extreme days I've experienced in a long time. I don't want to dwell too much on it, because I haven't hit those rock bottom depths for a while, and it was not, not, not pretty.
I hate depression.
But hey, let's just write it up and get it out of the way, eh? Let's start with the bad and end with the good.
The bad:
*I couldn't stop yelling. I could see myself yelling, but I couldn't stop.
*I said mean things.
*I was rude to my husband. In front of the children.
*Because of me and my psychotic-ness, my children went to the Temple dedication without me. They went with my husband, who had already gone, and then he came home and left them there (fyi: they are responsible and we live right by the church).
*I thought horrid things and allowed myself to embrace them. Going as far as I've gone before.
*I was a horrible, horrible person.
The good:
*I took a much needed nap at the counsel of my husband.
*My husband, although upset with me, took over. He made lunch, dinner, and snacks in between. He cleaned the living room and kitchen. He took the kids to the dedication. He watched the kids for me so I could sleep. He kissed me and held me. He told me he chose me and will keep me forever (even though I'm psychotic. Okay, those were my words, not his!).
*I went to the last dedication session alone. It was powerful. Amazing. I received answers to prayers and felt forgiven. I had peace.
*We all ended up being nicer the rest of the day and enjoyed each other's company.
Sometimes I think satan has more of an influence in our home than I am willing to believe. Luckily, those answers I received to my prayers at the Temple dedication service will have power to counteract those influences. I just have to be sure to follow them. And do them. And remember them.
What would I do without my husband? Without the gospel of Jesus Christ? Without the knowledge that is mine due to amazing prophets, both ancient and modern? I'm feeling overwhelmed with gratitude, and blessedly, it is overshadowing the guilt I feel for being a burden to those who love me.
But pshaw on this negativity! Let's move on to happier things! Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm already excited about it. What do you have planned this week, dear reader? I'm going to go to the Temple, finish organizing the office, do mountains of laundry, and do something outside. Like hike somewhere. I must --I need Autumn air.
Aaaaaand that's all.
8 comments:
OH. MY.
I just read my last post and I realized I had scheduled in a mental breakdown. The irony is KILLING me!
My day was almost exactly the same as far as extremes go. I also had a cranky sick toddler and two other kids that were out of their routine since we didn't go to church. Not fun. Lately I've found that Sundays tend to be worse for me because I get so focused on wanting it to be a 'spiritual day' that sometimes I stress myself out so much none of us enjoys it :)
Good for you for taking a nap and 'resetting'. That's always a good idea!
We finally have autumn air here, and I'm going to run away from it for ten days, making a full-year-delayed trip to the Gulf Coast to visit my husband's family. It'll be warm down there, but it will also be smoke-free and moist, so my lungs and sinuses are going to take a vacation!
Of course, that means in the next two days I need to handle all the business stuff, and make sure we have Extended Family Presentable clothes for everyone, and that it all packs into six carry-ons and one checked bag, and that we also fit in the dance swords, bagpipes, kilts, meds, asthma nebulizer, toiletries, plane-trip amusements, beach clothes, school stuff, art stuff, laptop, snacks... There's a reason we've not been South for a decade...
On the plus side: I did make two sweet little messenger bags for my little girls, and they're SO excited about stocking them with plane amusements and snacks and riding the moving sidewalk and going in an airplane!
I have had a similar couple of days. Amazing how each month I don't realzie how come...
Ha! Amanda, I haven't had a visit from Aunt Flow since the baby was born, so I have nothing to go on! But it's probably related, I'm sure. :)
Notmolly, can I come??
Foxy, Sundays are like that for me, too. Sometimes I think I should lower my expectations a little.
That bit about how you're yelling and you know you're yelling but for whatever reason, you don't stop? Ugh. I hate that.
Today is a new day. Thanks be for that! Enjoy the autumn air - I don't know what that is like here in AZ. I can't even tell it's autumn. So sad.
In my experience, situations like this one tend to occur right before some amazing spiritual experience--a trip to the temple, General Conference, a child's milestone--or in your case, a temple dedication.
What I do when I know something like that is coming up is brace myself and try to bolster my spirituality. It doesn't always work, but I think I'm getting better. Sometimes. :)
Satan works overtime on us moms. So sorry you had a rough time of it.
Luisa, first of all welcome to my blog! Second --I seriously have not thought of that reason in years (maybe a decade?). That makes so. much. sense! I will remember this. Truly.
Thank you!
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