Today was one of the most extreme days I've experienced in a long time. I don't want to dwell too much on it, because I haven't hit those rock bottom depths for a while, and it was not, not, not pretty.
I hate depression.
But hey, let's just write it up and get it out of the way, eh? Let's start with the bad and end with the good.
*I couldn't stop yelling. I could see myself yelling, but I couldn't stop.
*I said mean things.
*I was rude to my husband. In front of the children.
*Because of me and my psychotic-ness, my children went to the Temple dedication without me. They went with my husband, who had already gone, and then he came home and left them there (fyi: they are responsible and we live right by the church).
*I thought horrid things and allowed myself to embrace them. Going as far as I've gone before.
*I was a horrible, horrible person.
*I took a much needed nap at the counsel of my husband.
*My husband, although upset with me, took over. He made lunch, dinner, and snacks in between. He cleaned the living room and kitchen. He took the kids to the dedication. He watched the kids for me so I could sleep. He kissed me and held me. He told me he chose me and will keep me forever (even though I'm psychotic. Okay, those were my words, not his!).
*I went to the last dedication session alone. It was powerful. Amazing. I received answers to prayers and felt forgiven. I had peace.
*We all ended up being nicer the rest of the day and enjoyed each other's company.
Sometimes I think satan has more of an influence in our home than I am willing to believe. Luckily, those answers I received to my prayers at the Temple dedication service will have power to counteract those influences. I just have to be sure to follow them. And do them. And remember them.
What would I do without my husband? Without the gospel of Jesus Christ? Without the knowledge that is mine due to amazing prophets, both ancient and modern? I'm feeling overwhelmed with gratitude, and blessedly, it is overshadowing the guilt I feel for being a burden to those who love me.
But pshaw on this negativity! Let's move on to happier things! Tomorrow is a new day, and I'm already excited about it. What do you have planned this week, dear reader? I'm going to go to the Temple, finish organizing the office, do mountains of laundry, and do something outside. Like hike somewhere. I must --I need Autumn air.
Aaaaaand that's all.