Wednesday, September 21, 2011


Good days, bad days. Wash, rinse, repeat. Good, bad, in between. Great, awful, apathy. Over...over...over...again.

I'm feeling gross today. No, it's not just because I haven't showered. I think I'm having awful repercussions of the grief I thought I was handling in the wake of Jared's suicide.

Life moves on so quickly. Will it really be two weeks tomorrow? Only two weeks? Two weeks since he took his life and ours changed forever? It can't be. There's been so many things going on. I've been energetic --happy, even.

I have a kink in my neck from a nap I took this morning, in my pajamas, when I should have been folding laundry instead. I'm afraid to go to my midwife appointment because I've been neglecting my health. I can't feel the baby moving much. I'm afraid something is wrong. My friend lost her baby at 36 weeks on Saturday; my heart aches for her. I was just mean online to one of my best friends over semantics when describing how people mourn the dead.

Today sucks.

Best language I can use at this point.

If I died tomorrow, would people get over it quickly, too? Would they move on so fast...letting life carry them along? Or would I be missed? (Don't worry; I'm fine mentally --I won't be doing anything to harm myself physically).

I've learned so much about the Gospel lately; about the Plan of Salvation, about my purpose, my role, and I've been humbled. I've learned patience and faith and reliance and trust. And yet I find my down days are just as bad as ever. Is it the Depression alone? The pregnancy? The small dosage of medication I'm living on so I harm my baby as little as possible? Is it the stress of knowing that our lives could be drastically changing again so soon? The lack of control I have over half of my home? The clutter, the mess, the bills, the debt, the worry, the anguish, the frustration at relatives and friends who are just completely thoughtless in their words and actions?

All of it. Probably.

I'm a downer today. I didn't want to be. I saw beautiful photography of autumn on etsy this morning --I smelled the cold when the kids rushed out the door to school. I smell Autumn in everything and it always gives me joy. But not now. Not this moment. This moment has taken over logic and pushed me to the edge of reason.

I'm always humiliated when I give up reason and logic for emotion and pain.

My mom told me the other day that I'm a strong, capable mother and woman. That I can do hard things that other mothers refuse to do. I told her it's not because I'm strong, it's because I make hard choices. I'm dealt these choices --do I take the easy way out and whine? Or do I reach down inside of myself and just do it?

My mother-in-law thanked me over and over for allowing Brandon to fly down to help his sister after the suicide. I told her it was a no-brainer. Him flying down to help his sister!? OF COURSE. Me driving down later with all the kids? No doubt in my mind.

I'm not that strong. I just make choices.

I wish today I could have made the choice to A. Not aired my demons on Facebook forums and B. Not written such a random, hard-to-read post.

But I always feel better when I write publicly. Not sure why, but I do. Every time. Like clockwork. Like the stars. Like truth. Every time I write, I feel better. Every time I communicate with the universe, I feel stronger. So, dear reader, I hope you can deal with it, because I'm feeling better already.

PAIN has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there were
A day when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.

~Emily Dickinson


Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Disclaimer (because I know your feelings are raw): Your words today led me to this talk. I found this quote and want to share it with you, but I am NOT claiming that it fixes anything. I hope it just shows you that what you are experiencing is normal. It's okay. It's part of a process. And even though there is so much YUCK about what you're dealing with, it will (and you will) get better, especially with the Lord's help.

"In this mortal life, each of us is going to experience pain in one form or another. Pain may come from an accident or from a painful medical condition. We may feel deep pain from the mourning that appropriately comes with the loss of a loved one or the loss of affection from one we hold dear. Pain may come from feeling lonely or depressed. It often comes as a result of our disobedience to the commandments of God, but it also comes to those who are doing all they can to keep their lives in line with the example of the Savior." from Elder Hale's talk: "Healing Soul and Body"

Ginger said...

I also write to feel better. I have depression also and I understand what grief is. It's a hard road. It's ONLY been two weeks. You are allowed to mourn as long as you need to and you don't have to apologize for that. You are ENTITLED to that. And I hope you feel better soon. My heart goes out to you as you pass through this trial. Your recent posts have touched me greatly. I hope you don't mind, but I linked to one of your posts in one of my posts. I felt compelled to share a very personal experience I had with depression and my own thoughts of suicide many years ago.

I hope tomorrow is a little better than today and that the day after that is a little better than tomorrow. :)

Mormon Women: Who We Are said...

Hugs to you.

OK, so there is one thing here that I want to say. "I'm always humiliated when I give up reason and logic for emotion and pain." I get that we sometimes say or do things in emotion/pain that we regret, but I also don't believe it's as easy as choosing one or the other. This isn't a binary, and emotion and pain are real things that can't just be reasoned away.

I think one of the things that is hard about grief is that we can almost feel obligated to give up the usual routine to somehow 'honor' or 'remember' the person. But I think in a way we DO honor our loved ones by carrying the torch. I don't think doing the normalcy of life means that you are forgetting or not caring. But trying to keep our hearts open to the grief and love and keep on keeping on is HARD stuff.

I wanted to share a friend's post where I think she describes the mishmash of emotions really well.

Amanda D said...

I just love you.

I'm sorry that you are having such a rotten day. :( Wish I could hug you.

I can't wait to see you.

blogging and bliss~ said...

My dad got killed in an accident one month before I graduated from highschool. I still feel pain. It has lessened but there are always moments when it hurts more the spring is hard when I have had babies when I have needed a fathers love or advice. But we adapt and grow and yes we move on or moreimportant keep on moving forward hopefully so we will see them again. I know people can say things that hurt but someday you will look backat your loss and nit remember those things mostly you will remember thegood times you shared and the loss but notwhat people said later. Take care of yourself and especially let yourself greive. Just becausewe have the gospel does not mean we can't be sad and feel that loss. You lost someone dear and you have a right to greive. Hugs and prayers go to you and yourfamily.

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I completely understand the need to write out your feelings/thoughts...I do the same thing. In fact, I believe my best writing usually comes from the moments of my most intense suffering.

Grieving is such a personal thing, your grieving won't look like anyone else's, and that's as it should be.

I will be here through your good days and your crappy days...because I love you and you are my "kindred spirit".

Cheryl said...

They say grief is like a HUGE boulder. At first you feel like it is going to smash you, but little by little erosion eats it away until you can fit it in your pocket. It will never fully go away, but it becomes manageable. But that erosion process takes a LONG time and there is no right timeline for grieving. I think especially with such a tragic death it takes much longer.