When I conceived #5, I didn't realize it until AFTER a crazy and embarrassingly emotional breakdown that left my friend feeling really bad. When I realized the hormones had gotten the better of me, I felt sheepish, especially considering that I was upset over NOT being pregnant, when in fact, I was.
In May, I had an ugly meltdown when I discovered I wasn't pregnant again. It was pretty bad. Pretty ugly. Fortunately for me, however, it was okay being upset over not being pregnant because I wasn't. Pregnant, that is. But I find it ironic, again, that I hit my ugly feel-sorry-for-myself walls just when I shouldn't. I bemoan seeing no light just as I'm about to turn the corner of the tunnel where I see that awesome bright light, and I often wonder: when will I learn? When will I stop worrying and complaining long enough to trust the system, to allow Heavenly Father to guide me, to be happy with each day?
In other words, we are expecting! It happened before Hawaii and I'm due in February. I'm not quite 8 weeks, but since I'm already in maternity clothes (!!!) I figured people should know it's not a fluke. Plus, it'll be nice to explain my exhaustion and nausea and aversion to stress as normal, you know?
I met my midwife yesterday, and I'm so happy! She is outstanding and I felt so comfortable with her. I'm very excited about preparing for our home birth.
I'm feeling very grateful tonight for this child growing inside of me. It's been a hard week--emotionally, mentally, and especially physically. Brandon has been gone on business and won't be back until Saturday, and so the house is not exactly up to my own standards. We have people coming to visit tomorrow and this weekend and next weekend, and normally I would be freaking out about the house right now--but! I'm not. I think I've decided that if all I can do at this point is take care of my body and let the house suffer for a short time, then it's okay. I'm just grateful I have a baby coming to our family! I'm grateful I can still somewhat take care of the kids I have. I'm grateful for the blessings that have come when I wasn't looking.
Tomorrow I may be stressed because of the mess, and tomorrow I may be frustrated at my exhaustion and nausea again, but tonight, I'm gonna let myself be happy. Why not, eh?
P.S. I've already had two babies in February and my birthday is in February. Must be my lucky month!