I'm Figuring It Out

I think I have that PMDD thing. You know, the psychosis where you are psychotic during PMS. I've been tracking my Depression episodes and my crazy breakdowns, and they always, always, always, always happen during PMS.

For most of us women, PMS is a normal routine. We're grumpier than usual, we're bloating, we break out, we're upset --men would too, if they had all of that, plus all the blood! But for me, I've noticed, it's definitely taken an upswing. It's crazy. In fact, now that I'm well out of last week, I can't believe I behaved the way I did. Or wrote the blog posts or FB status' I wrote. It feels like it was another person.

It's like being bi-polar. But crazy fast, up and down, once a month bi-polar.

I'm going to do some more research and figure things out. I hate that side of me --the moody, depressed, crazy, sobbing, miserable, reclusive psycho I turn into. It's not me. That's not who I am. I know something is wrong, and now that I'm closer to the whole truth, I'm gonna work on it.

Because honestly, dear reader, I don't believe that these things are all caused by ONE thing. I truly, in my gut, know that the way I feel about myself, the way my body reacts to things the way it does, and the way my heart feels is caused by the following:

1. My spirituality, i.e. my relationship with Christ.

2. What I eat.

3. My hormones (which are related to what I eat).

4. Exercise (which is related to hormones and what I eat).

5. My relationships with other people (mostly my husband and children, which is definitely related to my spirituality and my hormones!).

During Stake Conference yesterday, I re-learned something I've always known: Becoming personally converted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ will change all aspects of my life. Spirituality, faith, etc. are not just plopped into some convenient box I can open up on Sunday mornings on the way to church and then put back again on the way home. My spirituality affects EVERYTHING in my life. Everything. The Plan of Salvation is not just something to think about when I'm feelin' like praying, or when I'm thinking I might be charitable. It should be the focus of my life. The focus of everything. If I look back on my life, it already has! All of my decisions were made based on my faith in it. My temple marriage, my children, my stay-at-homeness, my insistence on prayer, FHE, going to church, attending the temple; the way I dress, speak, conduct myself, etc. Everything.

So, why can't the issues with my physical problems (body/mind) be focused on it as well? If I haven't learned anything in my journey with my Depression, I could at least remember that the Spirit guided me to take medication to help conquer it. I don't think it was a mistake that I discovered The China Study, or became close personal friends (11 years ago) with people who had the knowledge about food that I needed to learn. It all makes sense to me, from a very spiritual standpoint.

Well, what am I gonna do about it? This stuff. For now:

1. I start therapy tomorrow (I know, I know! About time, eh?).

2. I'm no longer apologizing for trying to eat better; I'm going to keep honing the "fixing-food-that-will-give-my-family-the-energy-and-health-they-need-to-thrive-long-term" skills and not give up; I'm going to sincerely listen to my body and only eat when I'm hungry, not when I'm sad. And I have Tracy's post to thank for that last insight (I'm gonna try to "flip the ship," as she stated!).

3. I will research some more about PMDD.

4. I will start reading the scriptures again. Ummm, yeah. I don't read them. I read them with my family (one verse each) every morning, but I don't read them, you know? I need to start setting aside some time to just focus on my personal study. And couple it with prayer. And pondering. And maybe some yoga. Just kidding. :) (but not really, because I like yoga!)

4. I will look seriously into doing NAET.

5. I'll keep exercising.

6. I will lock myself in a closet when PMS comes around and not get out until I feel it's safe for me to be around my family again. Not really, but maybe.

These goals, to me are attainable. For years I've been told to make specific, detail-oriented goals about what I will do, because if I don't, then I won't do them! Well, guess what, dear reader? You guessed it! The more vague my goals have become, the better I've become at them. Remember the one I implemented just a few months ago? "Today, I will exercise." That one mantra has given me the freedom to actually exercise without guilt! And then if I don't get to it? No guilt! Because of it, I love to exercise again.

Another thing I've noticed (besides the fact that I should just print this out and take it to my therapist tomorrow) is that I tend to think in black/white; extremes. I'm either happy and normal and fine, or I'm crazy and sad and depressed. Most of us are both. Most of us deal with both almost daily! That is what is normal: myriads of emotions. However, when they are out of whack, when they get too extreme, or last longer than they should, that's when there should be some concern. My mother-in-law taught me that to overcome the worst of hormone-related depression, one needs to learn coping skills that can only be found by re-training our brains/emotions through therapy. I believe her. I just wish I had been doing it this whole time.

Oh! Speaking of my MIL, you need to go read this post written by my awesome SIL, Brenna. Brandon's sister has dealt with her own demons for a really long time, but she is now at the point of hindsight. I'm so proud of her for writing down her story and her feelings. She's seriously my hero.

So, there you go. My apologies for being psycho last week. My gratitude and love to those who stood by me, anyway. You have no idea how much your support and love mean to me, especially when I feel I don't deserve it (because that's when it means the most!).