Friday, March 25, 2011

Too Many Words For A Friday, So My Apologies. But Not Really. I'm Naturally Long-Winded, You Know!

*Wednesday was one of those perfect days. You know, the ones that come every once in a while and don't linger too long? It started with an opportunity to watch a friend's children while she went to a doctor's appointment (she's so close to delivering!). Play group, started the taxes, cleaned the house, started the laundry, cleaned the backyard, spent 30 minutes reading with #3 in the backyard (sun, sun, sun!), made the kids' favorite meal (vegan M&C), and attended the Temple with my Brandon.

*Gravitating towards people who share the same opinions is natural. It's hard to be alone, judged, or ostracized. When I was really overweight, I didn't want to hang out with my thin, fit friends. When I was single, I didn't want to hang out with married people. When I was a mother of just babies, I didn't want to hang out with mothers of teenagers. Experience and current situations and opinions pretty much dictate who we want to hang out with. That makes sense, right?

I love this blog. I read it because I like that someone has committed to eating healthier, despite opposition, habit, or fear. I still have all of it (opposition, habit, and fear). And this is why I'm still overweight (and not exercising, but we'll get to that in a minute). In a recent post, she said this:

Here is a joke my son Gabe told me:
How can you tell if someone is vegan? Don't worry, they will tell you.
Ha.

Ha, indeed. :)

*My exercise hero visited me yesterday (and oh, how I love her!). We talked for hours about stuff, but the best part was the exercising. Because I don't do it. Because I need it. She gave me so much to think about and she called me out --she told me to start Monday!

Did you know, dear reader, that I was the reason she started exercising 18 months ago? We had a pact. 20 minutes a day for four days a week. She would curse my name each time she exercised, but she still did it. She worked hard, hard, hard. And now, 18 months later, it's a habit. And she exercises for 40-60 minutes, four days a week. And she looks AMAZING (she totally showed me her abs. Holy cow, she is ripped!). Her husband has now started to exercise, too (and curses my name, too, apparently, and which, ironically, I think is awesome).

It's funny that I "started" this good thing, because you know the whole Nutritarian eating? I guess I started something there, too.

Actually, it was Angie. My buddy Angie is in my ward and she introduced me to Green Smoothies. I shared what I knew about it (and what Ann has shared with me, i.e. The China Study) with Liz and Matt. Then Tami (another neighbor and friend) called to ask about them, and she turned around and shared it with her friend and SIL. All of these people are now committed to being healthier and are losing weight, gaining more energy, and just rocking it!

But what about me?

It seems I'm fated to be the "middle man." I introduce friends who become better friends with each other than with me. I introduce couples who get married (okay, that's only happened once). I've now introduced exercise, eating right, and...where am I? I'm eating "right", but I still eat too much. I don't exercise nearly enough. I'm still 25 pounds (or more; I refuse to weigh myself right now) overweight.

I feel like a hypocrite almost every day.

I'm glad I can share information with people! I'm glad I can be a catalyst for change. I am. But I really feel kind of dumb because people have taken this info I've shared and run with it, while I'm still reading and passing on the info instead of DOING it.

Stop. Don't tell me that I'm too hard on myself, or that I'm in a tough place because of Brandon's schedule, or that I have a lot of young kids, or that it's OKAY to be overweight and unhealthy, etc. I know I'm hard on myself because nobody else is! I NEED to be or else I'll never improve! I'm in a tough place, yes, but does that mean I can't try to be healthy just because Brandon's not around? When is it EVER convenient to become healthier? Young kids!? That should be THE REASON I do better! They should be motivation enough! What I teach them now will stay with them forever. If I don't teach them the things I know by example, then what are they learning? How can I tell them to eat their veggies and exercise if I don't do it? And I won't even respond to the claim that being overweight and unhealthy is okay. I have plenty of doctrinal and scientific references to blow that one out of the water.

*I'm trying to figure out how to do it. I've tried a food journal. I've tried WW points (just for kicks again). I started a google doc's food journal with a friend that I've ignored for 2 weeks. I've tried to be strong when eating out but find myself ordering french fries. The self-sabotage keeps happening and I don't know why.

The exercise. Oh, the exercise. I have Jillian's DVD's. I have my new stroller. I'm doing the Portland to Coast relay in August. I have weights, an elliptical, a bike, a stability ball, a yoga mat, and pilates' dvd's. I have past experience and photos to show me how it felt to be fit and healthy. I love to hike. I love to walk.

But what do I do all day? Nothing. I AM LAZY. I don't put in the DVD's. I don't get out the stroller. I ignore the feelings of desire to be rid of my flabby arms.

I thought it might be the Depression. Maybe it's the Depression? Nope. Excuse. I'm on meds and feel quite content/happy most days. Trying to get Pregnant? Maybe I'm scared exercise will "hurt" the baby --and holy cow, that sounded stupid just typing it. It's just a lazy excuse. Exercise is GOOD for pregnancy! Maybe it's the weather? Nope. I have indoor stuff. Maybe it's my schedule? Nope, the older three are in school all day. Maybe it's the need to have a social partner helping me stay on track? Nope. I had those. I have had them (and have them now) in spades. In. Spades.

I'm floundering, failing, and falling, and I don't know why. It's all emotional/mental, I know. How could it be anything else?

But how do I fix it?? How do I start?? How do I remember??

13 comments:

sariqd said...

You put into words how I feel/think... being the "middle man" and also the bit about being lazy. For me, I KNOW I need to get stuff done. I KNOW I need to exercise. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW a plethora of things! But I don't. I wasn't raised this way... Yet...

Sigh.

Let me know what you figure out. I could use some enlightenment.

Kim said...

I too am feeling this exact way! I know I need to get healthy, eat healthy and excerise, I know I can, but I choose to not, I choose to let the excuses get me out of it too! I give my half hearted attempt and fail at my "GOAL" which I am sure is not a realistic goal, so I quit! UGH! I don't wanna be a quitter, how do we stop this awful cycle???

Amber said...

sariqd said just what I wanted to: let me know when you figure this out and fill me in. My mom is totally all over the healthy thing--green smoothies, WW, and exercising like nuts. But it took her until her late forties to get there. You don't have to be perfect right now, you have time to get there. Maybe just improve by 2% at a time. I'm walking dogs every morning--that's my 2%. Wishing you well.

GCC said...

This will sound juvenile and probably wouldn't motivate most people, but I've been putting stickers on my calendar for days that I work out (and an extra sticker for days that I don't eat junk at work - there's far too much candy around this place!). I like putting stickers up, and I like looking at them there to remind me that I'm making progress. Also, with getting back into working out - I find that it takes maybe 2-3 weeks to get some momentum going, and then I've heard it takes 3 months to have changed a habit. So if you can just grunt it out for 2-3 weeks to get in your "groove" (even just doing only 10-20 minutes/day in those first few weeks) it won't seem as hard - and then in a few months you'll do it without even thinking about it. I've heard the same things about avoiding sugar (that in a few weeks you don't have as much of a taste for it), but although I'm doing MUCH better than I was, that's one I still have to work on.

Cheryl said...

well there's your answer right in that comment above mine...just file for bankruptcy and your troubles will be over!

Seriously though have a sense of humor about it and give yourself credit for what you do that is right! You'll never change if you constantly beat yourself up about it!

Cheryl said...

[I deleted the bankruptcy spam. :) ]

Tortuga said...

I feel the exact SAME way. I just chalked it up to the 28 years of life and then my metabolism changed . . for the worse. It sucks. I hate it. I keep trying. And then I don't. I am lazy too. I think I don't have the right motivation for the change. Most people will change with the right motivation. Usually it's a cruise :) lol. Looking good in a swim suit :) But it doesn't change for a lifetime. That's the hard part - the life change.

Alison Wonderland said...

Exercise hero. Is that some kind of video game? It should be.

The answer, of course, is that you just do it. See, it's that easy, what's wrong with you? Geez!

Amanda D said...

I think the answer is putting your work out clothes on as soon as you get up - from the sports bra down to the laced up sneakers. Then aim for something - anything - for 15 minutes.

And remember that every day is a new day. Try to do a little better than the day before. Aim for breaking a sweat each day.

Just curious - did you try points again on the new program? It's changed A LOT. In a good way. I love the new program - I'm making much better choices and feeling good.

Good luck today, Cheryl! You can do it!

becca said...

I'm with Alice in Wonderland and the comment after. You've analized yourself to the computer and couch, Cheryl! You've got the knowledge, now just stop reading this comment and get on your hands and knees, crank out 10 push ups, QUICK! Flip over and do 20 crunches! Now, don't you feel better? Anytime you think you need to excersize, do some jumping jacks or jump ropes RIGHT THEN. Won't your kids get a kick out of that? Who knows, you might feel like doing some real sweating exersize right then. YOu can do it! Start cursing your name when you do it if that helps. LOL

Laura@livingabigstory said...

Never had that problem, I say as I eat bon bons and type on my computer :)

Seriously, just like all these comments, I struggle with it too. I've been thinking so much about trying to be more that ... well, I wonder if getting healthy is any different from any other goal or dream. Maybe I just don't have the courage to full on tackle fitness (no pun intended) ... just in case I fail even after giving it my best.

Hmm ... I don't know.

Cheryl said...

Thanks you guys! Even the ones who don't know what to do, either. It made me really think hard all weekend, and helped me formulate my plan. You guys rock!

Dorri said...

For me it was when I was tired of seeing others do it, know that I had wasted so long thinking about it. So one say I did it, just one day at a time. Though to be honest there was some revenge in my plan. It was the I'll show him, I'm going to be looking fab and when he comes crawling back I'll reject him. Okay so I know that will never happen, but hey a women's got to dream right?? But then it became about me and what I wanted for me. Now 40 lbs later it's about being scared to go back to where I was, even knowing I still have a long way to go I know I can't stop. And more than a little of my motivation now is that I know I'm doing it for me something a few years ago I wouldn't have thought was a good enough reason.