Saturday, July 03, 2010

Happy Contemplative Independence Day Weekend!

Brandon and the four oldest children are watching hot air balloons this morning. I am sitting here with #5, watching him sleep. I should be getting on with the day (so much to do!), but #5 likes me to hold him in the early morning. So, I'm holding him. Watching him sleep.

I'm feeling thoughtful this morning. I expressed most of my fears to my husband last night over a great dinner (we had a date!), but I'll share some of them here. And some new ones, too:

1. I care too much about the unspoken. For me, when things aren't out in the open, and we walk around on eggshells or skirt issues, or pretend the Elephant is not, in fact, in the room, I get anxiety. I pretty much hate it. My deep-deep-deep-tissue integrity won't allow me to enjoy it. Or tolerate it. Even if I have to?
2. But sometimes, talking about the Elephant doesn't help. It makes the Elephant angry and stomp on everyone. Which kind of sucks. And hurts.
3. I have a great fear of rejection. Couple that with an ability to read people, and I find myself in a depressing cycle of "I know they really don't like me, even though they are being polite." Blah. This happens not just with friends, but family as well. Curses!
4. I love my children fiercely, even though they are driving me crazy this summer. The house has never been messier!
5. I'm so very worried for my friend. I love Janelle and I will be fasting for her and her baby tomorrow. Wanna join me?
6. Grief is palpable.
7. I'm so blessed, I can hardly stand it. I'd make a list, but it would be too long. Sufficeth to say, I am blessed. Beyond measure. I would be all humble and claim that I don't deserve it, but I know that's not true. I do deserve blessings. I do deserve happiness. I deserve it all! But I do know to Whom I am indebted for these blessings and happiness. My gratitude to Him is immense.
8. Our country is another year older. Yay!
9. When did July come? How can it be here so fast? Why do the days last so long, but the weeks fly by so fast? Wasn't it 1998 just yesterday? No?
10. List to do today: clean, pack, visit with my best buddy (!!!!!!!!), pack, make food, clean, buy stuff, pack, celebrate Independence Day with a good ol' barbecue, games, and fireworks.

Happy Independence Day tomorrow, everyone. Freedom rocks!

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