Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Open House and Other Rambling Stuff

Open House:
On Saturday, we were in Idaho (you probably already knew that). The reason was for my baby brother's Open House, and it was a great ol' shindig. I was the unofficial photographer, but since you already saw loads of wedding pictures, I'm leaving you with just two snapshots: The happy couple and #4 trying to drink Great-Grandma's homemade Angel Food Cake:
I think it might be interesting to note that all four of us (my siblings) had our Reception or Open House in the same Stake Center, had the same food served (homemade angel food cake with strawberries and ice cream/whipped topping), had the same helpers in the kitchen (my parent's closest friends), and had the same woman play the background music on the piano (my mother's co-worker). Isn't that kind of trippy?
Oh, and I'm very happy for my brother. He's married a fabulous girl, and I feel lucky to have her as a SIL.
Other Rambling Stuff:
So...how are ya'?
I'm actually doing okay. Not perfect; just okay. I've been reflecting a lot on my bouts of depression and the hold they have on me, and yesterday, I confessed to a friend that I really don't want to feel this way anymore. As if it was a revelation or something, which, of course, it's not. But I think I'm thinking of it in a different way --not so much that I'm sad all the time, but more as the inability to be motivated. For example: We have wanted to paint our Master Bedroom for months now. We have been sleeping on a mattress on the floor, with our shelves and nightstands in the kids' rooms. All of this was going to be temporary until we could strip the left-over wallpaper, sand down the walls, prime the walls, paint the walls, and install new carpet. Oh, and get new drapes/blinds over the windows. Well...none of this has happened. Most days, I'll psyche myself up and be "Today, I will strip off half the wallpaper!" and then I never do it. Other days, I'll declare a goal to have it done by...say...July 31st. "But it's August," you say. Yeah. Exactly. Then I think that perhaps I will finally unpack the computer room/office in the basement and put everything away, or that I'll finally get around to weeding all the flowerbeds in the backyard, or that I'll finally be strong enough to go through all of the kids' clothes and purge, purge, purge. Same with their toys --purge, purge, purge. Well, the only thing being purged around here is my confidence and motivation.
Sometimes I blame it on the heat. It's too hot to weed and organize! Other times I blame it on summer vacation. We've been going, going, going, and no time to recover! Most recently, I've been blaming it on the children. I can't do anything with them around! Truth is, I know these are just excuses. I know the kids know how to work, I know my summer vacations haven't been that long, I know the heat is the lousiest excuse because we have...ahem...air conditioning. And the office is in the basement.
So, I continue to twiddle and justify, mope and mourn, sometimes using a burst of energy here and there to accomplish the important tasks: making dinner (chicken nuggets, anyone?), teaching piano lessons (ooh! Another cancellation! Yippee!), doing laundry (didn't say it gets folded!), bathing the kids (at least once a week), praying (in the shower, in the car, while drifting off to sleep), reading (life without reading is no life at all!) and blogging my brains out (gotta have a creative outlet somewhere, eh?). Meanwhile, that motivation and confidence --that part of me I love the most --is slowly building back up. Maybe? I hope? I honestly think that she'll show up again--hopefully soon!--and take me to the place I was meant to be --organized, refreshed, peaceful, and happy. Very, very happy.
Hey, so do you ever find yourself wondering where yourself went?

9 comments:

Amanda D said...

Great post. Very thought provoking. I find that I am very much the same. I use every excuse in the book. I put things off forever and ever and then when I finally do them, it takes five minutes and I think, why did I put this off? We all go through these types of cycles though. Just keep swimming (like whoever said before) and eventually you reach the reef. :)

Mother of the Wild Boys said...

I find myself the most productive around the house when I'm avoiding doing something else...like homework. My house was cleaner while I was procrastinating homework this summer than it is now that I've been done with summer school for a week and a half. Go figure.

Your post makes me want to come down to your place for the weekend and have a wallpaper peeling slumber party. I'm serious.

I am Michele said...

Hey, if you decide you want to get that stuff done this week, I am only 30 min away and seriously bored! I would love to come and help out. Of course, this would involve more children at your house, but they would occupy yours so we could get stuff done. If you are interested, give me a call and I will head over. I am just sitting around trying to wash all the kids clothes before Monday.

Madsens said...

the last two weeks every time i walk in my house i look at something and think - hmmmm that needs to be put away and i just go and sit down to read or something...finally, this past weekend i told my husband that i NEEDED to get the house clean - not just picked up, but cleaned...so we did :) It is so much nicer to get that 1 hour of work out the way instead of letting it depress you. You will be amazed at how different your mood will be when everything gets done. i know, i know - where do you find the energy to do it all?? you don't :) it is never found, you just have to get up and do.

have fun :) (and i can say that - seeing how I am not the one in the situation...ha ha!)

ps - good choice on the angel food cake and strawberries...my mouth was watering as i was wondering why i didn't go home to get a peice???

Tortuga said...

Well if it makes you feel any better - try taking a look at my single life, where I don't accomplish a single thing :) Lately - you have done SO much with your life - that I'm really sitting here saying "Breathe! You are seriously accomplishing A LOT" So if it makes you feel any better - you can always compare your accomplishments to my "lack of" ha, ha. Anyway - your little brother's wedding pictures look amazing! I still can't believe he's married!!

Cristy said...

do you ever find yourself wondering where yourself went?

Um... like EVERYDAY! This pregnancy has literally sucked any Cristy that was left in me, out out out! Literally I prioritize things around the kids. I function only for the kids. And the kids are happy. That is ALL I have accomplished in the last 6 months. Like you though, I must have remnants inside me because I do hope for the future, that this is a temporary situation, and their are some times in life you just get through. And at least my kids have no idea. ;)

brenbot. said...

I easily get overwhelmed with all of the projects I need to complete but never do. Home improvement projects started nearly 4 years ago and stopped halfway through, organizing my stuff, purging, etc. Recently I have been writing simple little to-do lists, pretty much just so I can cross things off and feel good about myself. I don't put all of my TO DOs on the list (you know, the big ones). Just ones I want to complete in the next day or two. I try to do one thing everyday, it can be small, that is something easily put off (i.e. call to make that doctors appt, get the car smogged, clean the bathroom, unload the dishwasher). I also try not to make huge to-do lists like the one you just blogged :) It just overwhelms, not movtivates, me.

Julie Wolfe said...

Way cute pictures! I love all the mosaics...i just might copy that in my blog :) I'm glad everything went well at the open house. Sounds like you guys have a delicious angel food cake tradition...to bad jared's the last one to get married. Thanks for sharing the pics!

TaLaisa said...

Oh my, I think I wonder that on a near daily basis. Where is she? Depression is crazy like that, I feel like it has robbed me of so many good times.

It's odd how I don't feel like I'm being successful or happy or productive during a particular time in my life and then months later I look back with sadness because I was unaware of how present my real self was then.

I think I have to focus on the small victories. 'yay, I had a shower and no one had to force me' and 'yay the kids got along really well for 5 whole minutes'or 'yay I got to do something I really enjoy' (even if I had to drag the kids and hear them complain that we always do what I want to do and never what they want to do'. And I let that build up until I'm accomplishing the seemingly impossible.

Sometimes I think we need to take help, even if that help is just borrowing enthusiasm to accomplish something.

I agree with a previous poster, do your room first. Somewhere neat and orderly and finished to relax away from kids for 30 seconds will do wonders.