It's been a week of extremes: Moments shared with my husband that solidified my love for him and showed me, in no uncertain terms, the true character of his soul. A day in which I hit the exhaustion wall and only came out alive because of Brandon and my understanding children. But what's crazy to me --and yet so very, very obvious --is that the downside to the week is what led me to all the upsides. Seeing how my husband cares for me when I am at my worst helps me to appreciate him when I am at my best. Feeling the despair gives me adequate knowledge and humility when I repent and partake of the Sacrament again. It's a beautiful dance, this juxtaposition between despair and joy, humiliation and humility.
I should be writing. Writing for Real Intent and writing for a class I will be teaching this spring. I should be studying. Studying for my lesson in Gospel Doctrine this Sunday and simply because I need the word of God. I should be practicing. Practicing the pieces for the ward choir and so I'll remember how it feels to understand Chopin. I should be exercising. Exercising daily, eating right, focusing on my health. Should, should, should... Truly, I should be focusing on teaching my baby to sleep on his own without my help. THAT, dear reader, would solve all of the other should's.
Sleep. Sigh.
I know that sleep affects everything. It's frustrating, really. If I was getting 7-8 hours of straight sleep each night, I would have energy to exercise. My body would not believe it's in crisis and let go of the weight. If I was getting my sleep, I would not be brain-dead. I would have more patience. I would be frustrated less. If I had more sleep, I would have the ability to teach the baby to sleep because I wouldn't be so tired and that the idea of even trying to get him to sleep would send me into ugly cry tears because it's just easier to nurse him and put him back to sleep, or bring him into bed with me, simply so I can get more sleep. See? Getting sleep could solve all my problems!
All week I've been praying that I could do it --sleep train the baby. Or that he would miraculously sleep (yeah, hahaha! Right!). But then I heard a still small voice tell me...
"Cheryl, maybe instead of looking for all the answers in sleep, you should look for them in Me. Perhaps you could learn that if you exercise patience and kindness while exhausted, you will find it even more possible while rested. The changes you are seeking are not necessarily external, but internal."
Back to the drawing board!
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Other Stuff
*Books I've read/are reading:
"The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell
"Matched" by Ally Condie
"The Secret Journal of Brett Colton" by Kay Lynn Mangum
*Brandon and I are re-watching Downton Abbey Season 1. Because we haven't seen Season 2. And we're recording Season 3. Yes, I know, we're sooooo behind the times, but that's okay. I'm enjoying watching Season 1 almost more than the first time we watched it!
*On the calendar coming up: piano recital, science fair, lots of visiting teaching, and two birthdays (with parties --yay??).
*Not watching American Idol this year. Not even interested. Okay, well, maybe I'll be interested when it's the Top 10. Maybe. No promises!
*Pinterest is awesome. I'll admit it. Yes, it's addicting, but I'm proud to say that I've actually used a recipe, and I'm going to use a few other things really soon. It's not just for virtual hoarding! Although it's that, too...
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I liked this post for Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
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I liked this post for Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
3 comments:
I'm so sorry about the lack of sleep. I know exactly how that is and how exhausting it is to see any way to the end of it while you're daily fighting the fog of exhaustion. I hope baby sleeps better for you soon!
I felt that exact same way with sleep for the first year after I had my first four kids. Exhausted. All the time. Grumpy, pitying myself because I was the only one who could feed the darn kid- no fair! For a year! I needed to simplify my life if I was going to handle well 5 kids. You know my stand on breastfeeding, but I decided that after 2 months, we were switching to bottles (he liked formula and my others didn't). For the first time I can switch off feedings a night, I'm feeling happier, have energy to exercise and after 2 weeks of frustration, I've lost 6 pounds and my house is clean today. I had to change the way I taught my kids how to do chores, how I did chores, and when I worked out (at night now). BUT the KEY was I reflected on what things were triggering me to be upset the most, or what was constantly making me grumble (clutter and too much TV/computer time for kids), read a great book on child rearing, and made changes in our house and me accordingly. It's been two months and I have a ways to go, but I'm going there! I decided I had to stop complaining and start changing and I could only do that with the help of my Savior and Father. And that made all the difference for me. Good luck, chica! I'm rooting for you! You CAN DO THIS! Find what you need to simplify and DO IT! You know it's not going to be easy! Never is! So, get over it and do it! Love you!!!
Oh, I forgot. I had to have my good long cry and a day long prayer this Friday before I came to my realizations and the happy place that I am sitting at right now. And, believe it or not, it came in a filthy house- which is filthy no longer :) Good luck!
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