Health in My Forties! (or Why I Lost a Bunch of Weight This Year)

I've lost 70 pounds in the past year. 

August 2023, Kansas (around 200 pounds)

June 2022, Idaho (around 272 pounds)

I have about 15 pounds left until I'm at my "goal" weight of 180 pounds. I say "goal" because it's where my body, in the past, felt the healthiest and tended to settle at for many years (post 4 children). It's about 25 pounds higher than BMI recommendations, but as my doctor says, "BMI only applies to a very small portion of the population. Don't even look at that chart." 

A lot of people want to know how I did it and it's difficult to answer that question in a few sentences. For most people, I just say, "exercise and eating well" because that's the truth. Without eating well (good food, small portions) and exercise (walking and yoga; I try to close all the 'rings' on my apple watch every day), it wouldn't work. 

But the long answer is... well... long. And it's never as simple as people think it could be (or should be!). I thought about writing my entire life history to show the journey I've been on and how I was able to get to my mid-40's where I feel the healthiest and happiest I've ever been... But it would be a novel, dear reader. And nobody (I mean, nobody!) is lining up to read that novel. 

July 2021, Idaho (around 275 pounds)

June 2023, Hawai'i (around 210 pounds)

But this will probably still be long. Not novel long... maybe novella long? 

I decided to divide up my thoughts and feelings about what I've learned up to this point in my life about my overall health into five different sections: Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Physical, Extra Help, and Obesity vs Depression. Please note that everything I've learned intersects! There isn't any facet of my life that doesn't affect the other facets and the truth is, without healing certain parts of me, the physical part would still be greatly suffering. It's all connected. 

Also: this is just me. I am not a doctor or therapist and I don't claim to be, so don't take anything here as anything more than me telling my story. I am not asking any of you to repeat or follow anything I've done. 

HEALTH IN MY FORTIES 

(or Why I Lost a Bunch of Weight This Year)

Mental: 

I have depression. I've been on and off meds for 15+ years and am currently on a low dose of Wellbutrin. I've had 5 therapists and 3 psychiatrists. What I have learned: 

• Therapy is invaluable. If you have never tried therapy, I highly recommend it. HIGHLY. I also highly recommend this workbook. 
• Medication can be life-saving. It's hard to always find the right one that works well, but the effort is worth it. My daily med gives me just enough boost in the right direction so that making decisions  (and the follow through) isn't overwhelming. 

2008, Utah

• Anxiety and depression go together. Stress and depression go together. So does oldest-daughter-syndrome, sexism, co-dependence, martyrdom, and introversion (you get the idea!). Knowing is always half the battle and learning how my brain and personality operate has made it easier to anticipate struggles before they happen. 
• Self-care isn't always a break or a bubble bath (although those things are nice!). Real self-care is also self-discipline. Knowing my mind operates better after a good morning walk gives me the motivation to go out the door. Knowing I'll feel horrible after eating more than 2 cookies helps prevent me from bingeing. Knowing that filling my time/life up with meaningless conversation, relationships, and negativity helps prevent me from doom-scrolling on social media, loosen my boundaries in a relationship, and entertain negative people.

2023, on a solo writing retreat in Kansas

• Taking the time to work on my mental health has saved me from self-harm, hurting my children, leaving my husband, and suicide. I'm not kidding. I'm not. If you've never wanted to harm yourself, hit your kids, divorce your spouse, or kill yourself, then good for you! Truly! That's a good thing! Now you get to be grateful and have compassion for those of us who have. :) 

Emotional:

Along with the mental health, I've learned some amazing things about my emotional health:

• Digging deep and learning what brings me peace and joy is so important. Finding ways to incorporate those things into my busy life has been a lot harder, but integral to my overall health. Examples? Reading, poetry, travel, nature, teacups, pretty shirts, earrings, pedicures, antique furniture, music, movies, and long conversations with friends. Etcetera. And so forth. 

2016, Idaho

• I've learned to feel my feelings as they come without shame. There is nothing wrong with feelings! They just exist. Anger is a secondary emotion, and so when I feel angry, I feel the anger, but then try to figure out where it's coming from. Identifying my emotions has helped me work through them, rather than beat myself up for having them. Berating myself for having emotions and feelings in response to things/people is like berating myself for breathing. Let me say that, again: Berating myself for having emotions and feelings in response to things/people is like berating myself for breathing.They just exist. It's what I do with them that matters, not having them in the first place. 
• I've learned to be kind to myself. I no longer publicly (or even to friends) talk badly about my body. I stopped doing that even while I was obese because I realized I hated hearing other people trash-talk themselves, so why would I trash-talk myself?  I try really hard not to talk badly about my personality, my mistakes, my past, or my quirks. I have learned to love myself more than I ever have in my life. I've learned to love my body, no matter my size or shape. I've learned how to meditate and pray with gratitude for my body and my life. I have given myself permission to forgive myself for my past mistakes, for my current mistakes, and for my future mistakes. Loving myself 70 pounds heavier than I am now changed everything, really. Convincing myself that I am beautiful, loved, important, and that I matter -- without caveats -- is when I started to truly heal and change for the better. This is because you can't hate something into a better version of itself. Love is the only thing that can inspire change. Love is the only thing that supports positive steps. The conclusion, then, is to love myself into the version of me I know I need to be. 

2019, Idaho

• I am doing the things that make me happy, yes, but I'm also challenging myself. I'm working as an accompanist, I'm always trying to improve as a piano teacher, and I'm publishing my poetry (while also working so very, very hard to be "discovered" and published traditionally). These things have pushed me out of my comfort zone in positive ways (even while sometimes quite humbling!). I have been reminded that the things we love, the passions we feel compelled (or prompted) to do, and the courage to take chances only deposits more joy into our lives. 

Spiritual:

Every relationship with the divine or an organized religion is private and personal. I don't judge anyone's journey, and I would expect the same respect in return. With that said, I also don't expect everyone to understand my personal journey with God --I only share what's important to me and what I've learned over the last 44 years: 

• I have been the most valiant of Mormon women and I have also been incredibly doubtful. I have wrestled with difficult questions for a long time. I have been angry, I have been repentant, I have been bitterly sorrowful. Sometimes all of those things within a day! I have had experiences I can't explain, experiences so sacred they have fueled a faith in me that will probably last for the rest of my life. I have felt real joy. All of these experiences, both the good and the bad have brought me to the point where I am comfortable not knowing everything. I simply do not know things. I don't know. And I no longer pretend to know.
• Because I don't know, I realized I have a choice. I can choose how I worship, how I approach religion, and how I rely on God without fear, anymore. 
• I have chosen to love God and love my neighbors. Those are the most important parts of my faith. I am working on them both equally and, not surprisingly, fail at them quite often. 
• I have also chosen to keep the promises (covenants) I make to God. I never promised to keep them well or perfectly. But I promised I would try. So, I am trying. 
• My personal experiences have brought me a lot of hope. That hope is often turned into faith. And yet I'm okay being right there between hope and faith, relying on my quiet, subtle and yet consistent relationship with God. I've realized I don't need constant gasping experiences. 
• Praying and meditating by myself centers me. 

2023, Hawai'i

• Discovering my relationship with my Heavenly Mother has been crucial. Being a woman in a church that focuses on a Patriarchy has always been difficult for me, no matter how "active" I've been. The obvious and traditional inequality is bitterly painful, not to mention humiliating and sometimes infuriatingly demeaning. Choosing to learn about, talk about, and pray to my Heavenly Mother has given me so much peace. To know my gender is not a mistake, I have a purpose, and there is a Goddess that understands my body and life perfectly is absolutely imperative to my ability to have faith in a Deity. 
  
• I believe in the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I will not share my personal experiences with repentance and forgiveness, but His influence, life, teachings, and power mean so very much to me. I may not understand it all (who does, really?) but I understand how it's made me feel. How He has made me feel. And how He has helped me improve. I'm absolutely okay with this being enough, for now. 

2016, Nauvoo, Illinois

• All of these things have eradicated shame within me. Shame about being a woman, shame about praying to a woman, shame about changing my politics, shame about being open to things not being quite what I have assumed them to be. Without shame, I have a lot more room in my heart for love. And love improves my relationships and love makes me happy! Which is why I probably seem a lot happier, these days. It's not just the weight loss, friends. It's all of this, too. 

Physical:

Ahh, here is the part most people care about. "But Cheryl, how did you actually lose all that weight? I need to know because what I've been doing doesn't work for me and I'm getting desperate." Well, maybe people aren't saying that. But I was saying that for years! Years and years. I needed a quick fix. I needed to know I could have control over my body. I would research every diet, every exercise routine, every way to make my body obey my desires and not my inclination towards eating disorders and despair. 

But we all know it's not simple. Nothing about life is simple! But here's what I've learned: 

• Postpartum Stuff: 
• Obviously, I've had a lot of children. I was either pregnant, nursing, or trying to get pregnant for about 23 years. I feel grateful and humbled that my body was able to create, carry, birth, and breastfeed so many children (truly!) but those years have definitely taken a toll on my body. And why wouldn't they? It makes a lot of sense. I've never understood why women are upset that their bodies change after literally growing another human being inside of their body. Like... ??? (Okay, I do know and I totally blame the patriarchy and unrealistic marketing.)

  

  My eight (full term) pregnancies: 2001, 2003, 2004, 2007, 2009, 2012, 2015, 2018

  
  
• For the first time in those 23 years, I am now far enough past the childbearing/nursing that I truly feel my body becoming mine, again. With that comes hormone regulation, bone alignment (hips), breast size regulation, brain-fog receding (maternal brain fog is totally a thing -- I don't believe anyone who claims otherwise!), and energy returning (I get to sleep all night!). 
• This means I have control over my body in ways I didn't the last 2 decades. I have the time, the ability, and the energy to devote more attention to my body where as before, I was simply making sure my body could create and breastfeed babies. (As I needed to! Because it was my priority! Because I was literally growing and feeding humans!)
• I've learned that women bear so much more than children. We bear the burden of a society that expects us to be fertile but never look like we're fertile, have babies but never look like we've had babies, breastfeed babies but eww, not in public, and raise children while having babies but don't look or act like we're raising children while having babies  --and definitely never complain about any of it, including the impossible standards, because "she chose to have babies!" SIGH 

2007, Pasadena, California

• That is why we're all so tired, depressed, and abusing our bodies (starving them, addictions, dressing to hide them, flaunting them, paying for plastic surgeries we don't want and can't afford, etc.). I can't not talk about this in a post about my body. Because it has affected me, too. I did not escape the disgusting obsession our society has with women's bodies. Who has? Who has been able to avoid this? Because I have never met a woman who wasn't affected by it and if she's in a healthy place now, it's all due to her hard work to push society's standards away, not because she somehow escaped those negative messages.

• PMS
• Look, women have periods. We do. It's all hormonal and causes great changes within our systems and we go through this cycle every month. We just do! It exists. I think for me, the small act of acknowledging this fact was liberating. I no longer pretended I didn't have a cycle, I no longer made fun of the fact I have a cycle, I no longer pretended this cycle didn't affect me greatly, and I reduced the complaining about it (I tried to eradicate all negative thoughts about my period, but that's just too hard, friends!). 
• The anger I feel every month is normal. The increase in libido during ovulation every month is normal. The range of emotions, the cramping, the mood swings --it's all normal. 
• I decided to track it better. It started out as a reason to prevent pregnancy and then quickly turned into a way for me to anticipate my mood swings. Why was I irrationally angry? Why was I so turned on? Why are my heavy bleeding days so difficult? (I mean, besides all the blood, haha). This helped me anticipate what I would need. 

January 2017, Ekbalam, Mexico

• This helped so much with the eating part of my life, too. I'll talk more about that in the Eating section, next. 
• Just knowing all of the ins and outs my cycle changed so much for me. Rather than letting it control me, I move along with it, anticipating whatever may come. 
• With that said, perimenopause has been definitely new! But I decided I had to see it the same way I see my period -- it's a part of life. It's a part of my life. I can sit and be angry about it, or I can learn about it and do what I can to get through it and minimize all the negatives. 

• Eating: 

• I've learned I'm an omnivore. I've been vegan, vegetarian, and a nutritarian-leaning-towards-raw-veganism (trust me, it's a thing). I've done weight watchers, precision nutrition, intermittent fasting, and absolutely nothing. I've researched paleo, beach body, jenny craig, slim fast, keto, south beach, atkins, whole 30, etc. I have experienced all kinds of foods, regimens, and disciplines, and so I have a pretty wide experience with food. 

2016, Kansas

• I'm pretty sure I have an eating disorder, although it's never been verified. I'm an emotional eater. Remember what I said up there about feeling the feelings? For so long, I ate them. I ate all my feelings! It didn't help that I had incredible metabolism in high school and college -- I could eat all my feelings and it wouldn't show up on my external body. The habits I established were ones of desperation to numb uncomfortable emotions. But later, when it started showing up as extra pounds, I didn't know how to stop eating. I had to learn how to find a balance between fueling my body and validating my feelings. 
• I was also raised (like many in the 1980's were) to eat everything on my plate, regardless of hunger. I also couldn't snack during the day as a child... everything was very regimented. I don't blame my parents for any of this because they were doing what they believed was best! They were also raised by parents who had lived through the Depression. That was not a fun time, when people weren't sure when they'd be able to eat, again. And so out of desperation and gratitude, you would eat what you were given! It makes sense, but in an abundant world, it creates food anxiety and eating disorders. :/ 

2022, Kansas

• Eating based on my menstrual cycle! What does this mean? Friends, when I decided to eat my cravings that would appear during my menstrual cycle like I used to during pregnancies, it was amazing. Amazing. I'm not exaggerating! When do I get hungrier? A few days before my period. When do I fast more? Usually around ovulation. The ebb and flow of my cravings matches up directly to my menstruation cycle! So, I started to track those cravings, too. And wow --what a difference! When I allow myself permission to eat what my body is wanting (obviously with a brain behind it --eating some cookies or a hamburger is great, but eating an entire box of cookies and 3 hamburgers is not so great), my body is so much better. And regulates! And drops the weight it doesn't need! It's so very, very cool. But I'm also sad I didn't know this from the beginning. Had I been eating like this all of my life, I'm telling you --it would have been a game-changer. Probably a life-changer.
• Vitamins and minerals: It would be super nice if I could get all of my nutrients through my food. There was a time I did! (those were the nutritarian years, my friends) But now I take my vitamins like the older person I am, and I'm glad! I feel better when I consistently take my medications and vitamins/minerals. This includes (but is not limited to): vitamin c, elderberry, vitamin d, iron, calcium, magnesium, vitamin b6 complex, keratin, fish oil, biotin, probiotics, etc. This is what works for me according to my yearly blood panel from my doctor. Please don't assume I'm telling you what to take. I don't know what your body needs! And I may adjust mine in the near future, anyway. 

• Exercise:

• I'm not young, anymore. I'm firmly middle-aged and I know how important it is to take care of my body. If I want to see my children's children's children one day, if I want to continue traveling as much as I do, if I want to keep up with the activities I love, I have to be taking care of my heart, my knees, my lungs, and my feet. I've learned that I need to do the kind of exercising that is positive for me! If I look forward to it, then... surprise! I'll do it. If I hate it, then why in the world would I do it? I've learned that with my psyche, there is no competition, race, or goal that can make me consistently do the kinds of exercise I loathe or dread doing.  
• This is, really, because I'm not an athlete. I learned this both the easy and hard way (continuous failure at athletic things). I haven't always shied away from physical exertion, though. I did ballroom dancing and marching band as a teen and I've always loved hiking/walking. Even when I'm really bad at hiking --I still love hiking! There was a time I allowed friends to convince me to run races (the brutes!), and at age 39 I signed up for my first ballet class! But I know I feel my best when I go walking in nature. My favorite time is at dawn, either alone or with a friend, and I usually walk 2-4 miles. Instead of focusing on how I don't like to run, I focus on how much I love to walk! And then I do it. 

  
  

  January 2022, Clearwater Beach, Florida

  
  
• I have asthma. It's controlled by taking a daily medication (singulair) and I haven't had to use a rescue inhaler in a few years. But for a long time, I was using it way too often! Finally finding the right medication was amazing and has been life-saving. I was hospitalized for pneumonia, once, directly related to my asthma... (that was no fun!). This also means I'm very aware of lung function, lung capacity, the different sounds in sick lungs, and what it truly feels like to breathe deeply. 
• A dear friend once said that several years ago, while in her mid-50's, she met a woman in her 60's who was the epitome of vibrancy and health. My friend asked this woman what she did to be so active and healthy. She said she follows these four pillars of physicality: strength, endurance, flexibility, and balance. My friend took this wisdom, shared it with others, and now I have adopted it, too! This is how:
• Walking (already mentioned it) works with endurance. I can walk up the rolling hills around our place without missing a beat! Rarely do I run out of breath, anymore. And occasionally (very occasionally), I will find myself jogging down a trail. Wha?! I know, right? 
• Yoga! As soon as I read what my friend had learned, I knew I had to do something. I was 80-90 pounds overweight, but I didn't let that stop me. I took to my yoga mat! Because I've done yoga and pilates throughout my life, it wasn't too difficult to fall into a routine that helped my posture, my breathing, my balance, my flexibility, and my confidence. Not to mention how easy it was to incorporate meditation and prayer into my routines! It's been wonderful. 
• Pilates and strength training -- I add these into my yoga routines, too. I do a few free weights, but mostly I use my own body weight (like wall pushups, lunges, etc.)
• Sex. Yes, sex. I realized that I need to have more consistent sex with my husband, and not just because of the value in the connection we feel, but because orgasms are just good for my health! It's a fact. And I have zero problems with this! :) 

July 2023, Mossy Possum Farm (Kansas)

• Hygiene routines! Perimenopause is an interesting adventure and I've realized I need to be vigilant about my skincare, haircare, teeth, lady parts, etc. This means a lot of moisturizer, biotin shampoo, dental care, doctor care, pedicures (okay, I don't get pedicures as often as I would like), and just paying attention to my body. This has been so hard for me! Why? Because I have always been a really low maintenance kind of girl. To now have this whole "beauty regimen" kind of weirds me out. But I do it because I feel so much better when I am consistent with it! (And yes... I've started wearing makeup more consistently, too. I know, I know! The people who knew me during my "why do we wear makeup?!" phase are probably laughing.  :) But what's cool is I can do my makeup in 4 minutes!)
  

Extra Help:

FINALLY! Here's the main answer everyone wants to hear. "How did you lose so much weight?" They mean well, friends. The people who've asked me this know I'm not sick, they know I'm happy, and they know I'm thriving (which I'm not, but still kind of am, so I'll take it). 

Let me tell you the story: 

In December of 2020, I was pretty down. Pandemic, lack of structure, depressed, unsure about the future, still recovering from childbirth stuff (it takes years, friends, don't let them fool you into thinking it takes weeks! That's a bunch of swear words), and I weighed around 270 pounds. I was so sad. I wasn't sure how to get out of it, but... I did. I realized I needed outside help. I could not do it on my own, no matter how much wisdom I had acquired. 

I needed help. 

So, I found a psychiatrist, I started walking more, I started tracking my food, I dug down into my bag of therapy tricks, and I began the climb back out. 

July 2016, Yellowstone

Fast forward to last Fall (October 2022). I had a new job, my depression was under control, I had started those four pillars of health, I was tracking food, and... I had lost 5 pounds. Total. After almost 2 years. 

I decided I wanted to get a tummy tuck. Yes! I did! I had 8 babies worth of saggy-ness in my belly, and I figured that if I couldn't lose weight, I could at least have some more confidence with how my jeans fit. Plus, the constant yeast infections (sorry, TMI) were no fun and it was so heavy. Having that much weight in front wasn't good on my lower back. My doctor referred me to a plastic surgeon, I met with her for an hour (she was great!), and she said, quite bluntly (but not unkindly): "I can do this for you, but if you then decide to lose weight, it won't matter. Until you are at your personal goal weight and can maintain that for a while, any surgery results might not last as long as you would hope." 

I went home kind of defeated (plus it was so dang expensive, I had to re-think the entire thing, anyway). I decided I would earnestly try losing weight again --this time on purpose. On purpose! With purpose! And... it didn't work. I tracked and exercised for a few months and... nothing. 

I'm not exaggerating. Nothing was happening. 

October 2022, Kansas

(Now look --it's important for me to make something very clear. Fat does not equal ugly. Obesity does not equal ugly. For whatever reason, our society decided women are only attractive when they are thin. I don't buy it. I was beautiful fat and I'm still beautiful now. The tummy tuck had more to do with all of the secondary problems that came with having the extra skin/fat than it did with having to look a certain way. The desire to lose weight had more to do with my overall health and ability to do things I love to do without being afraid of a heart attack. Yes, yes, I did admit to falling into the same old trappings of our dumb society's obsession with thinness, but I still felt beautiful while I was obese, too. It's not all so cut and dry, you know? And do I feel more attractive now that I've lost the weight? Yes, but it has more to do with my energy and confidence, not because somehow my face looks different. My husband adored me and my body exactly the same 2 years ago as he does now. And when I see my smile, it's the same smile. When I see my eyes, they are the same eyes. Fat does not equal ugly. Fat just equals fat, sometimes. The end.) 

Again, I felt defeated. I had been working so hard without any results. I wondered if maybe I needed to get used to being tired, having weak knees, buying much bigger (and therefore expensive) clothing, and tolerating the way people treated me (another conversation about fat-shaming for another day). 

I decided to try one last thing. 

2009, Jane Austen's House, Chawton, United Kingdom

I went to my doctor (the one that had referred me to the plastic surgeon --he's been my GP since we moved to Kansas). I said to him: "Three years ago you said that if I ever needed help losing weight, that you could prescribe something for me. You have never brought it up again, which I am really grateful for, but now I'm asking you: can you help me? I'm doing everything I know how to do. What else can I do?" And he prescribed me phentermine. Low dose. Very low dose (I was on half a pill for 4 months). I'm so grateful for it. Why? Because it did what the Wellbutrin did --gave me enough of an edge ahead to be successful. 

Now I know that some people will immediately have opinions about the fact that I've just admitted to being on medication for weight loss. Some will judge me, some will applaud me, some will want to do it for themselves -- just understand, again, that this is me. This is my story. No need for criticism, no need to copy me.

Friends, the medication doesn't work if I don't do the work, too. It's both an appetite suppressant and a stimulant. This has allowed me to control my emotional eating and create just enough energy to wake up and exercise, as well as move my body more throughout the day. Side effects for me have been zero. Nothing. No negatives, just positives. 

May 2023, Interlaken, Switzerland

Over the last year I've taught myself how to eat better, I've gotten into my exercise routine, and now my knees don't hurt! (Losing 70 pounds is really good for the knees!)  I have been able to stop eating when I'm no longer hungry (even if my plate still has food on it) and I have the motivation, energy, and ability to push myself to do the things I know will benefit my heart, lungs, and joints. 

Truth: I won't be on this medication forever (same with the Wellbutrin). Once I reach a settled weight (where my body feels comfortable and healthy and doesn't need to lose any more), I will go off the medication. This will most likely be around 180 pounds. My hope is I will then continue all the new habits I've established, maintain my weight, and continue to take care of my body the way I want to, the way I've learned to, and the way that gives me the best chance to live for a very long time. 

Obesity vs Depression:

Obesity -- (I'm talking about unhealthy obesity. Some people are large/big and healthy, too. I don't buy into the myth that all obese people are miserable and dying, nor do I believe that healthy always equals thin. So when I say obesity, here, I mean people like me who are literally weighed down, cannot live the life they want, and have serious health issues directly related to all the extra weight)  --is a lot like Depression in my mind. Both of them feel overwhelming, both can have negative side effects on a person's life, and both are really difficult to overcome without internal *and* external help. 

January 2008, Pigeon Point Lighthouse, California

For example, my depression is better managed when I can exercise, get outside, and eat well. But it's the actual depression preventing me from exercising, going outside, and eating well. 

My obesity goes away when I exercise, get outside, and eat well. But the actual obesity is preventing me from exercising, going outside, and... you got it! eating well (I felt hungry all the time because my stomach was so stretched. Plus the eating disorder). 

(It's kind of like how endometriosis prevents pregnancy, but the cure is usually pregnancy (or at least remission).)

How could I exercise on my knees that hurt? How could I lose weight when I was barely able to keep my food intake in a healthy range? Just as with my depression, I knew I needed extra help with my obesity. 

It's so easy for people to say: "Just exercise harder! Eat less!" when they have never struggled with eating disorders or obesity. 

Final Thoughts:

The short (and true!) answer to "how were you able to lose so much weight this year, Cheryl?" is "lots of knowledge and hard work." 

But the truest answer is more like, "a lifetime of experiences, knowledge, several years removed from all pregnancy-related stages, monthly doctor visits with carefully controlled medication, seeing my psychiatrist every 3 months, exercise, eating the foods that make me feel joyous, and a deep desire to do the things I haven't been able to do for the last 15 years or more." 

                      

                    August 2022, Idaho
                 275 pounds

August 2023, Kansas
195 pounds

I don't know what my future looks like. I'd be lying if I said I'm not afraid to go off of the medication. I know a lot of people who have done this and gained all the weight back. I like to think that because I'm ahead of the game (maintaining instead of losing) that I will be okay. I know what to do, I know how it feels, and I'm working hard to keep the conversation of it all flowing with my doctor, my psychiatrist, my husband, my friends, myself, and God. (And that tummy tuck? Well... I'll see how I feel in a year. It might still be something I do. Because although my "apron" has shrunk significantly, all of the extra skin from growing 8 babies and all the weight gain is definitely still there. So... who knows?) 

I love me! I love where I am, what I've learned, all the humiliating and exciting experiences that have gotten me to where I am right now. I know I have so many more things to experience and learn and honestly, I'm just so grateful for the chance to be healthier in all facets of my life! If, as humans, we are meant to have joy, I think this is truly a huge part of it. Joy of the soul. The entire self! I think I have found a large portion of it. I'm truly humbled; truly grateful. 

Poem by Cheryl Seely Savage (that's me!), included in the poetry collection, We Have Time