Happy meets Crazy

It's My Own Fault for Refusing Induction This Time, Eh?

2012-02-15T11:00:00.004-07:00

Measuring 46 weeks. It's normal for me. I have big babies. (Smallest, 8lbs, 3oz; biggest, 9lbs, 11oz.) Still, it's making me a tad nervous. I was lucky with my last baby (9lbs, 3oz) and didn't need even one stitch. But what about this time?

Dropping ketones; midwife has me downing protein like crazy (with natural foods).

Mucus plug (sorry, I know that's gross) is presenting itself slowly (long story).

Had three strong contractions last night. Then nothing.

Brandon massaged the pressure points in my feet last night. Nothing.

Did other things (none of your beeswax!). Nothing.

Every sign is pointing towards labor, but it's just not happening. Trying really, really hard to ignore the overwhelming, emotionally charged frustration at still being pregnant. I know I'm not due until next week. I know I should let him stay in there for as long as he needs it. I know I need to be positive. I know I won't be pregnant forever.

But...

Any woman who has given birth understands, eh? The last few weeks are just hard. Exhausting and frustrating and annoying.

I just want to hold my baby!

Okay, I'm off to do something productive. Like dishes, juicing some kale, switching the laundry, or taking a nap. Probably all of 'em.

"By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant."

~Phyllis Diller

I Shouldn't Be Impatient Already but I'm So Tired, People!

2012-02-13T15:38:00.003-07:00

Ah, the last few weeks of pregnancy. Nothing but awkward uncomfortable pain coupled with the delusional idea that it will never end.

I'm not sure why he's still in there. It's not like there's any more room. Even my midwife asked if I was doing okay, since he's pretty much taken over my entire torso.

Meh. All my kids have done that. *shrug

I'm due in 10 days. Or so. Who knows when he's coming, eh? Having been induced 4 times out of 5, it's nice to just wait for him to come on his own. And infuriating. I'm trying to be very patient. But it's hard!

Just this morning, we ran a few errands. It only took a few hours. Wasn't rushed. Got home and fell asleep on the couch for two hours! I was DONE. Yesterday, after Church and choir practice, etc. I did the same thing. My body just shut down. I could barely walk, really.

So much to do. Can't physically do it anymore. So, I'm not. I'm doing my best to do what I can when I have energy, but I'm not stupid enough to push myself too hard. One thing I've learned over the years --babies tend to come when mom is rested enough to physically endure labor. At least that's what I've seen.

So, after all the happenings of Valentine's Day tomorrow, I'm hoping to just rest, rest, rest this week! Think I can do it? Sigh...

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I just signed the kids up for Spring Soccer. Why, do you ask? Because I am a glutton for punishment. And it's cheap. Plus the kids like it. Honestly, I like watching them do something that incorporates fresh air, exercise, teamwork, and fun --as long as it's only a 2 months stint every 6 months. I HEART parks & rec!

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#1 told me a boy asked her to be his valentine and she said, "yes." It doesn't mean anything, I guess, but it was from the boy she likes. Apparently he knows she likes another boy, too. And this boy also likes two other girls. Frankly, I think it's hilarious, but my daughter is so bold! She said yes!? I probably would have punched him in the eye and burst into tears when I was nearly 11 years old.

That reminds me! She's eleven! Sheesh! She's too young to be having a real valentine. I keep thinking about my "boyfriend" past and I realize, "Brandon needs to buy a shot-gun soon."

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It snowed like crazy yesterday. Just fyi. Because I'm sure you were wondering.

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I taught Sunday School yesterday and it was this lesson. We focused on 2 Nephi, chapter 4 --I absolutely love Nephi's example. I need to throw out a big hanks to Julie who uploaded this awesome video on her blog! I used it at the end of my lesson. It is such a perfect and beautiful song.

"Oh, Society" or "Satan's Many Lies"

2012-02-10T11:05:00.004-07:00

I feel so strange today. It's a mixture. I feel very tired physically, very raw emotionally, and very sad mentally. Spiritually, I'm good --but I'm torn.

Sometimes, I think it would be awesome to lock the gates of my mind and my home against all of society; to bar the way, to rip out the wires that send information into the minds and hearts of my children. I want to yank them close to me, to protect them from so much evil in this world.

I know it's not possible; nor is it smart. My children would not benefit from the unprepared naivety of an evil society --they need to learn how to withstand it, not run from it. But does that mean they should immerse themselves in it? Hardly.

Do other parents feel this way? In less than 20 years, the innocence of children has been nearly erased. Eradicated by the "cunning plan of the evil one." My children know more about things I never learned until adulthood simply because they NEED to know so they can stand against it. Frankly, it breaks my heart.

I usually don't feel this morose nor do I usually give into fear and pessimism. I usually take the optimistic route; I see the good in society. It's there. I know it is there. But today, I'm feeling particularly down because of all the confused --and yet, good intentioned --stories floating upon the information waves. It's hard to understand how truth could become so warped, so stretched, so...full of lies. Even by the very people who have covenanted to withstand it. *

We are currently reading in Helaman in the Book of Mormon for our family scripture study. What keeps coming back to my mind is the fact that in less than 40 years, the society (Nephites) who had been led by Captain Moroni to victory through righteousness had fallen into massive amounts of wickedness. And it wasn't just "oh, I forgot to pay my tithing this month" --we are talking WICKED.NESS. Murders and plunderings, massive mafia/mob mentality, all kinds of crime, intrigue, sex, etc.

40 years. And they all forgot about God, about commandments, about covenants, about why they had been blessed. And society went to pot.

When I think about it at length, it makes sense. People forget rather quickly. Truth is changed to match justification and personality as well as sin. Faith is replaced with science. Guidance is no longer needed, thank-you-very-much, and quite often, those who still believe and have faith/humility are seen as idiots.

I know this is why we re-learn and re-read and re-do all the same things over and over in the Gospel. We hear the word "remember" so often; remember why we are here! Remember the commandments of God! Remember your covenants! Remember how to keep the Spirit with you! Remember what Christ did for you! Remember! Because when we don't remember, satan grabs a hold of that forgetfulness and clouds our minds with false ideas. And it can happen rather quickly.

What does give me comfort, however, is that there is still hope. There is still strength. Regardless of what people may say or how they may behave, we still have Prophets, we still have knowledge, we still have truth, we still have the Holy Ghost.

On the flip side, however, I've often thought about how much easier my life could be if I were to just "give in." Honest. I have. Have you? I've wondered if I were to just give up and "do whatever" that it would be fun. Easy. No arguments with society. No church on Sunday. Forget the word of wisdom. Service would be altruistic! Not forced! Ce la vie and all of that. "My truth and your truth are different, but somehow it's still truth."

But I realize that it's just another lie. I would not be happier. I would not have an "easy" life. Life is hard enough without the guidance of the Holy Ghost, without commandments that have kept me healthy physically and mentally (yes! The Holy Ghost prompted me to get on medication!), and without Prophets who warn of the danger in society. When I think of all the blessings that have come my way (very specifically) because of my faith in Christ and my obedience to all the covenants I've made, and commandments of God, and even the suggestions of the Apostles and Prophets and local church leaders, I'm overcome with emotion. My testimony is rock solid, because "of the rock upon which [it is] built, which is a sure foundation, a foundation whereon if men build they cannot fall." (Helaman 5:12)

This testimony of mine didn't come all at once, nor did it come because I am perfect. Who said anything about being perfect?! I'm certainly not! My testimony came because of all the sins which "so easily do beset me" and because of my weakness. Just like everyone else, I made choices day by day and minute by minute that have led me to where I am. I still have a long way to go, but I feel blessed because of how far I have come.

I pray, every day, that I will have the strength to keep going. I don't want to learn "the hard way" that God's way is easier and better. I don't want my children to learn it that way, either. I want them to know that even when life gets confusing, with society claiming one thing, and the Gospel of Jesus Christ claiming the other, that the Gospel will always win. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has...the only thing that ever will.

President Thomas S. Monson said this in October 2011:

We must be vigilant in a world which has moved so far from that which is spiritual. It is essential that we reject anything that does not conform to our standards, refusing in the process to surrender that which we desire most: eternal life in the kingdom of God. The storms will still beat at our doors from time to time, for they are an inescapable part of our existence in mortality. We, however, will be far better equipped to deal with them, to learn from them, and to overcome them if we have the gospel at our core and the love of the Savior in our hearts. The prophet Isaiah declared, “The work of righteousness shall be peace; and the effect of righteousness quietness and assurance for ever.”

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*[I hope those who are reading this post will not assume I'm speaking about them. I am very aware that we all struggle with different things in this life --some issues of faith are easy to obey, others are not. We all have our struggles and our demons. We all have temptations and sorrows. We are all in need of Jesus Christ --every single one of us. I don't write this to imply MY righteousness is somehow elevated. I write this to vent out my frustrations against satan, his followers, and his influence over the hearts of men, women, and society at large. My heart does weep, yes, when I see people making choices which take them further away from the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I would be unfeeling if I didn't. I was very careful not to be specific in this post, so please do not assume any of my political or societal opinions. I am very aware, though, of the dangers which threaten the faith and health of my family --and I won't apologize for fighting against those dangers. If this is offensive to you, I'm not sure why. This isn't about you.]

February is a Time for Birthdays!

2012-02-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

In case I don't get any more blog posts finished this week --because we all know how much I don't like to blog (yes, I'm rolling my eyes) --I thought I'd entertain you with some birthday spotlights. We will have FOUR birthdays this month. #4, #2, me, and hopefully this baby (although he could easily come in March. Maybe. I hope not!).

Anyway, so here you go!

#4, our glorious brown-eyed, blond-haired, emotional, stubborn Star Wars expert will be turning FIVE tomorrow. Five! How is this possible, I ask you!? How? I remember very vividly that he was just born. 3 weeks after he was born, we moved to California. A year later, we moved back... and yet... I swear it was just last month. Maybe last year. Not five years!

Things I love about my little guy:

*He says the funniest things and they come out of nowhere. Last week in the car:

"Mom, did you know that clouds are made of water?"

Me: "Yes! I did. How did you know that?" (I was thinking preschool, his older siblings told him, etc.).

Him: "Oh, I learned it on Avatar! Katara can bend the water in the clouds!" (Thank you, Avatar, The Last Airbender, for teaching my children science! Amongst other awesome things.)

*He's a big softy. He cries if I'm late to pick him up (because he "missed me") from preschool, he cries if he gets his feelings hurt, he cries if he thinks mom and dad aren't coming back, etc. It's sweet (although sometimes I worry about it).

*His obsessions: legos, Star Wars, beating the dragon on Mario Brothers ("old school!"), coloring pictures only he can recognize as anything more than colors running here and there.

*He loves his friends so much --even when there are disagreements, he's always ready to forgive, apologize, and move on.

*He says the best prayers!

*He's so good and kind to his younger brother and takes so much "abuse" from his older brother. Being the middle boy is tough! But he's doing well despite the odds.

*He has the sweetest smile and the best hugs. He's a loving boy!

Happy Birthday, #4! I sure love you, buddy!

(When he was born, he had massive amounts of jet-black hair. Massive! It never fell out --it just starting growing in blond. He had his first haircut at 6 months old!)

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#2 turns NINE years old on Saturday (the 11th). NINE! Once again, where did the time go!?

#2 is such an enigma. I adore her, really. Her personality can be defined as "walking to the beat of her own drummer." Yep, that's the best one. Individual. High self-worth. Unique sense of style and taste.

When she was born (NINE years ago!?), she was 10 days late. The doctor induced me with a lot of pitocin. She wouldn't come. I suggested he break my water. I went from a 4 to a 10 and pushed her out in less than 45 minutes. Honestly? It was her stubborn and fiery personality --fits her so well!

Things I love about #2:

*She doesn't care what people think of her when it comes to things that don't matter. How she does her hair and how she matches up her clothes are all her own style; rude comments won't deter her. However, if people call her dishonest? Mean? Bossy? She takes it very hard. She knows what matters --character over looks, man. Character over looks.

*She's brilliant (like her older sister. And her father!). We've just applied to CAS (the Center for Accelerated Studies) and if she gets in, she'll most likely go. She's a fantastic writer, reader, and is very creative.

*She has a fantastic sense of humor and is always coming up with riddles and jokes.

*She doesn't have a lot of close friends. This is hard for her (especially after school and at recess). I know it's because of her loud and independent attitude, but at the same time, it just breaks my heart. But this girl has borne the brunt of it with so much patience. Seeing her being rejected or "ditched" (her word) is so hard, but the girl bounces back so quickly! She's a tough nut.

*Her testimony. The only word for it? Wow. She loves, loves, loves the scriptures, the hymns, Primary, FHE, prayer, etc. The girl does most of it on her own, too! She absolutely loves the Gospel and is constantly asking me questions about one doctrine or another.

*Her inquisitive mind --just like with her schooling and the gospel, #2 is constantly asking questions about EVERYTHING around her; I honestly think this is why she's so smart.

Happy Birthday, #2! I love you!

(I really need to get some of her baby pictures scanned onto the computer. This is the youngest I have right now --she's two.)

This One's for Me

2012-02-03T15:05:00.009-07:00

I had therapy today. I'm only going once a month now, per my therapist's recommendation, and for the last month, I figured I didn't need it anymore. But it proved to be quite needed; it proved to be essential.

I had a lot to talk about and what surfaced were the things I've learned about myself over the last year and my depression and the way I think and... well, I just didn't want to let it slip away. I've decided to write down my thoughts.

Yes, publicly.

Yes, I know --but if you've read this blog for a while now, you realize that I am not one to endure my pain in secrecy. By sharing, I recover. By sharing, maybe you can relate and recover, too. But really, this blog post is for me. Honestly, it's long, so don't feel obligated to read it (although I have slipped in some photography of mine --yes, I took them all -- that I haven't been able to upload before, but now I can because the computer is upstairs and they aren't too shabby if I do say so myself...)!

I have noticed in my life that I tend to have two statuses: Knowledge and Growth. Knowledge tends to be a time in my life where I am constantly learning, both the secular and the spiritual. The time I spend is usually focused on learning something new -- obsessing about a doctrine I've learned (or finally understood or have learned about in a new way), discovering a more efficient way to parent, uncovering truth about marriage, literature, health, science, or philosophy. At the end of the time I've spent learning, I tend to shout about my new knowledge from the rooftops! Look at what I've discovered! Look what I have learned! Did you hear about this? Where has this knowledge been all my life!?

That's when the Knowledge stage ends and the Growth stage begins.

Growth is not kind. At least it doesn't seem kind. At first.

Growth is the master of humility. Usually, when I learn something new, when I share it brazenly with anyone who will listen, something will happen that will pull the rug right out from underneath me. I tend to be forced to be humble. I see that although I have learned a lot from Knowledge, I still have a lot more to learn from Growth. It usually manifests itself in terms of personal relationships gone awry (do to my own arrogance), a stinging rebuke from someone with more knowledge/wisdom than I, or just a gentle nudge from the Spirit reminding me that I really have so much more to learn. So much more.

This year has been a Growth year for me. It started out as Knowledge, but it's been Growth for a while now.

It's never easy to see the mistakes in one's psyche. I used to rebel against the idea that I could be wrong. How could I be wrong? I'm smart, I'm capable, my opinions matter...but really, I'm wrong a lot. I'm so wrong about so many things, but more than anything? I've been wrong about me.

My journey through depression has taught me a lot about myself and the way I see the world. My biggest personal issue/hurdle/personality flaw is my desire to be in control. Of what? Everything. I want to control my home. My kids. My husband. I want to control how people perceive me. I want to control how things play out, how things get done. Because of this, I'm a planner. I plan ahead. I imagine unlikely scenarios so I will be prepared mentally if they come about. This isn't to say I actually abuse people to maintain control (quite the contrary, I have control over my intentions --see? More control!), but that I see my self-worth as something only good if I'm able to remain in control of myself and my environment around me.

And yet... I have no control. Not really. This year in therapy has taught me what I have control over and what I do not. The list of what I have control over is very, very, very small. I do not have control over:
*other people's opinions

*other people's feelings

*other people's agency/choices

*my own physical limitations (pregnancy right now), although I can improve them through diet/exercise, etc.

I do have control over:
*My feelings, thoughts, and opinions.

*My choices

That's about it, really. And yet, how enormous are those things over which I do have control!

I told my therapist about my crazy, yelling, irrational day (I posted about it here) and she told me three good things that came out of it:

1. I realized what was going on --I was having a breakdown.

2. I stopped myself and removed myself from the situation. I took control over MY actions.

3. I turned it into a deep and vast learning experience for my children afterwards.

“Be useful in [your] sphere and [do] not be discouraged because of difficulties in the way, but trust in God and look to Him, and His marvelous blessings.”

—Lorenzo Snow, in Daughters in My Kingdom, page 43

We talked a lot about how I have a tendency to take the control I want and be in a kind of "all-or-nothing" scenario. For example, for the last few months, after family scripture study, I will sit on the couch and just veg out (and check Facebook). Why do I do this? I think it's because I feel I have no control. One child will hate the breakfast I make. Another child will refuse to do chores without lots of tantrum throwing. So, I just sit around, because what's the point? I don't have control over any of it, so why do I keep torturing myself? Why keep trying? Forget it! I will ignore them all!

I realized earlier this week that this is STUPID. I need to STOP. Why is it stupid? Because I was, in the name of exhaustion (and heck yes, I'm exhausted!), ignoring my children. I was "at the crossroads" of their morning, but I wasn't really paying attention to them. So, I decided to stop it. I got off the couch and I've made them breakfast every morning this week (just green smoothies, but still!). I've also re-vamped the chore chart (this you already know) and supervised their chores. I chose to participate in their mornings, rather than just let it pass me by.

This morning, I almost reverted back to my vegetating state, but something pricked me (I'm pretty sure it was a prompting by the Holy Ghost) and told me to GET UP and BE A MOTHER.

So, I did.

Whenever I actually get up and do things, it tends to snowball a lot. The satisfaction I feel from doing one of my "duties" gives me the boost I need to do more. And so on. "The same can be said," my therapist pointed out, "about the opposite side. The more you sit in depression, the more it feeds off of itself." She is so right. Pick a side! Pick any side! But whichever side you pick, be wary, because it will become a habit quickly. I noticed that this week --when I got off my duff and did what I knew I needed to do, it snowballed into the day. I got more laundry done. The house stayed cleaner. I showered more (gasp!). I found myself planning dinner earlier and thinking about ways to help my kids and husband. I got out of the house more often.

Opposite example? When I don't, I tend to sit in my jammies all day long and be on the internet. The boys play more video games and watch more TV. The guilt builds; I take it out on the kids and my hubby. Choosing to fulfill my chosen role as a mother, homemaker, wife, and "lioness at the gate" --although harder on the outset (mentally and physically) -- makes everyone in my family happier. Including me.

One thing I have had to learn is to give myself permission to take care of myself. Ironic, since I'd rather veg out than take care of my kids and house, eh? But what my therapist has told me is that it's okay to stop (like I did when I took myself to time out) and realize that I need something. Not in a selfish way --in a "I matter, too" way. For example, taking a nap on a Sunday afternoon when I need one. Simple, right? And yet my guilt gets in the way...

Learning how re-wire my brain this year has not been easy. Yes, I've had enormous success, but I've also had major setbacks. It's hard to change, period. But throughout this process (which will continue, do not you worry!), I've been given such a gift --I've been able to objectively see myself outside of myself --I can view my reactions in a reasonable way. Does this mean I make all the right choices? Hardly! It's definitely going to take me some time. But I feel great because I'm on the right path.

“There is nothing in this world as personal, as nurturing, or as life changing as the influence of a righteous woman.”

—M. Russell Ballard, in Daughters in My Kingdom, page 156

One last part of the session today. My therapist is LDS, and I love how her understanding of my testimony (not to mention her own) has really helped in my growth. She knows how important my faith is to me. I told her today that I think teaching Gospel Doctrine this year has helped me enormously alongside therapy. And then it got me thinking...what else has helped me this year alongside therapy?

*Listening to more classical music (Please note: even though I'm a classically trained musician, the fact that I prefer classical music on the radio now is very, very strange to me)

*Increased study time of scriptures, the Ensign, and now (very recently) Daughters in My Kingdom (I just finished it today! Thus all the quotes from it throughout this post)

*The way I eat (ten thousand times better compared to the first time I had a child!)

*Brandon being done with school

*Our financial struggles (which has strengthened my testimony of tithes and offerings: Not because our blessings from paying them have given us wealth, but because paying them has helped me see where those blessings are: roof not leaking, learning how to be more frugal, kids not getting hurt/sick, baby being a boy --I already have everything he needs!)

*More consistent prayer. Personal prayer (while I drive, in the shower, on the couch, in my bed, basically all the time!)

*Taking my medication faithfully

*Learning to serve others again; thinking beyond my own problems and limitations and being concerned for those around me

Everything is connected. My therapist told me how everything could never not be connected! Every bit helps.

And that's what we talked about today. This is how I'm working through my muddled brain, my raging hormones.

I'm just hoping that as I keep going through this process that the Knowledge and Growth gap will begin to be smaller --irony? It's up to me, really. I can't imagine Heavenly Father needing to humble me in the wake of wisdom if I truly have humility. Maybe it'll happen by the time I'm 90? Maybe?

“If you live up to your privilege, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates. … If you will be pure, nothing can hinder.”

—Joseph Smith, in Daughters in My Kingdom, page 169

Three Weeks. Wait. Only Three Weeks!?

2012-02-01T11:16:00.001-07:00

Three weeks.

Throughout the next three weeks, we need to celebrate two birthdays (#4 turns five and #2 turns nine). Within three weeks we will also celebrate Valentine's Day and get #1 to the district science fair. Didn't I tell you? I can't remember. She made it to district! Here's her photo of the Elementary school science fair:

Three weeks from tomorrow is my "due" date. Chances are very high that I will have this baby by then --or at least before March! That means we have three weeks to finish the house.

Girl's room, done.
Baby/toddler room, done.
Office, almost done --just need to go through all files/papers/books
Master bedroom --needs to be cleaned out, sorted, and deep cleaned
Laundry room, done
Boy's room --ready to be painted!
Family room/play room --cleaned and sorted (again. And again. And again. It may not get done before baby; I'm okay with that!)

We're close. Very close!
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I made new chore charts for the kids. It had to be done. I've realized that the even when the chores don't change much, the motivation/rewards/systems need to.
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I like Mitt Romney. I always have. I still like him and I've followed every debate and televised caucus this year. I like him because of his values, his determination, his politics, his tendency to be moderate rather than ultra-conservative. I like his wife. I like his track record and I like his honesty. I like how he has been attacking Obama instead of his colleagues this entire time, only until Newt's psychotic allegations caused him to finally fight back. I like his speech writers. I like his plans and his ideas for our economic problems. I like his stances on states' rights.

I just like him. I think he'd be a really good president. I think he would actually do really great things for this country. I do.
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Thanks to my hubby for finding it on Netflix instant streaming, I have FINALLY started watching "Downton Abbey." Finally! I have to admit I'm loving it, and I want to punch that Thomas right in the face. Jerk! And I really like Matthew. A lot. And I feel sorry for Edith. But I'm only 4 episodes into it, so don't give anything away!
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I need a pedicure. And a massage. Maybe an entire day at some spa. I need it, but it ain't gonna happen! Sigh, sigh.
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I have a head cold; it's getting better, but right now I can feel the effects wearing on me --I need to nap. Now? Later? After the laundry's done? While the toddler naps? I could do it now while the boys watch Avatar, the Last Airbender (random episodes).
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I recently read this blog. It's so very, very sad. Four months ago, their son died, and last week, her husband died. Go read about their family. Make sure you have tissues! Especially if you're hormonal like I was/am.

I've Become My Parents

2012-01-31T08:41:00.006-07:00

I'm here to confess that my parents always knew what they were talking about. I say this because now I --me, myself --always know what I'm talking about and my children never believe me.

It's an interesting circle of life thing, eh? Other things I've learned since becoming my parents:

*Time goes much faster as you get older. Much, much faster. I remember thinking, "Whoah! It's almost the end of 1999! That's caaaraaaazzzyy!" And now it's 2012. If you didn't already know. 2012!? Shouldn't we have hover boards by now?

*Clean houses are happier houses. They just are. Clutter and dirt and disgusting-ness do not a happy family make, no matter the justification.

*Most things really are NOT that big of a deal. But they are to my kids. And will be to my teenagers. And I will need to learn to be quiet and listen and pray I don't mess up their development by overlooking or patronizing their tender (ahem, HORMONAL) feelings.

*The children will not clean without coercion, reward, or threatenings. They won't. No matter how much they want to be good, the cleaning, picking up, maintaining, brushing teeth, bathing regularly, etc. will not happen on it's own. It really IS my job to remind and nag and make chore charts and convince, etc.

*Sleep is for suckers and for childless people. Parents just don't get sleep. And if you ever get sick (and the spouse is working or is out of town), don't expect much sympathy from whiny toddlers and preschoolers and elementary schoolers and...oh, yeah. That's all my kids.

*Laundry, when neglected, does not go away. It simply gets worse. Much like garbage or diaper pails. Or dishes.

*When mother is unhappy or rude or yelling, the children and hubby will be unhappy or rude or yelling.

*If left to their own devices, children will, indeed, turn into a crazy re-creation of Lord of the Flies (but without the murder --so far). Thus, the constant supervision and manners instruction.

*John was right. When my kids learn a gospel principle and then apply it to their lives and then live it and really understand it, I feel like John did. The joy is overwhelming!

What have you learned as you've become your parents? Or have become parents? What were your parents right about?

From the Archives: Mortality

2012-01-30T11:00:00.001-07:00

Originally published on September 23, 2009

Mortality

And there I went.
Over rays and Under waves
Crashing, coursing, chafing, cursing,
Marking time with leaf patterns; searching
Veins of plant-life
Wondering, Wandering
Chasing distorted light.

Unsure-hesitant I stood
Naked before myself.
Exposed the soul-spirit, I
Drank, Gulped, Devoured the
Truth above me.
"I am light and before me is
Color.
I am worth and behind me is
Black-grey.
I am strength and beside me are
Lifted wings."

Warrior on! Keep in stance and
Stay in currents fresh from
Wildflowers, pure with snow,
Smelling of morning and oak.
In them I let go,
Escape from shackled exhaustion,
Tethered standards, faceless tradition
and find Joy;
unfettered, unresolved, pointless.
Happiness freckled with turbulence, yet
Resounded in liberty!

Priceless freedom to feel.

~by Cheryl
(Copyright September 2009)

It DOES Bring Forth the Blessings of Heaven! [Even if there IS Crying and Pooping.]

2012-01-27T11:00:00.000-07:00

While I was at BYU, I auditioned three times for the music program.

My piano audition was humiliating. There was no rhyme or reason to it (except hindsight). My first vocal audition was a practice; I didn't expect to get in, anyway. The second vocal audition had more riding on it. I had already passed my entrance exam, portfolio, class, and interview with flying colors. But the vocal professors claimed "I wasn't good enough" --even after the Music Education advisor told them to admit me. (Ouch, right?)

I had the option to audition again. Brandon and I prayed about it. The answer was no. We were supposed to finish schooling quickly and start a family. Dreams of being a high school choir director (or more) --finished.

When the Spirit prompted us to start our family 18 months after we married, it didn't make sense (although I WAS baby hungry!). We both had a year of school left. I had married young (19). But we decided to obey. Being obedient yielded an immediate pregnancy. Our first child (a beautiful little girl) was born 5 days before we graduated. I still had two finals to take, but what a blessing she was born after my first 3!

I have a very small torso. Each pregnancy has increased a deformity in my ribs --they are no longer shaped the way ribs are supposed to be shaped. It's hard to explain, but the bottom half of my ribs now stick out, rather than taper down. It has made it harder to find shirts that fit properly. It also has made pregnancy very painful towards the end (as my ribs are stretched out more). It has also made my asthma weirder. Pregnancy also makes my asthma worse --luckily, that subsides when each child is born.

Clinical depression entered my life when I was in college, but it has been exasperated and blown out of control by each subsequent pregnancy and labor/delivery. It is more than PPD, although PPD has made it what it is.

As my mother before me, pregnancies have made my monthly cycle scarier. I bleed much more. They are more painful. I will probably eventually have fibroid cysts and may need a hysterectomy.

I bleed extensively after each birth. This is mostly due to my large placentas, but luckily only one delivery presented a scary situation. Now that my caregivers know about my potential hemorrhaging, they are able to take care of it easily. I often wonder how it would have been 160 years ago; would I have survived? Perhaps. Not sure. Will never know.

Losing my dream of teaching music was not the only dream I placed on a shelf when I became a mother. Or a wife. Study abroad in college, getting a Master's, living back East (or internationally), writing my books, etc. These things work well for other women. They have found a way to do "it all." I found (the hard way) that I cannot/could not do these things while my children are young. Depression? Justification? Either way, it is what it is.

Money flies out the door just as quickly as it is earned to pay for clothing, food, shoes, school supplies, field trips, birthday presents, Christmas, piano lessons, glasses, braces (future!), bicycles, backpacks, toys, cleaning supplies, etc.

My body is not the same. Ribs, asthma, Depression aside, my body has been through "war." Every part of my body has been affected by childbirth. Getting "in shape" is very hard; each subsequent pregnancy lays waste to my physical form more.

Losing sleep, queasiness about body fluids, and all expectations about schedules/plans have become the norm. I worry more. I clean more. I spend most of my time "picking up messes" whether they are physical or emotional.

These are the sacrifices I've made. I carry physical, emotional, and mental scars because of them. But why? For what purpose?

Sacrifice isn't sacrifice if it's easy. Sacrifice isn't sacrifice if there's not something more important we are hoping for --even if we never see it in this lifetime. But I have been given something more important than hope.

I have known love deeper than I could ever have imagined.

I know what it feels like to see the face of God in a newborn.

I have been instantly cured of ultimate despair by the worried look and a gentle hand placed on my cheek by a toddler.

I know the joy that comes when a child understands a math problem, the reason for manners, or receives an answer to a prayer.

I have plead with God in such a way that simply by pouring out my soul has rescued me from my deepest fears.

I appreciate my body in ways some could never understand. I have been humbled at how miraculous each organ works to bring about another life. I have witnessed how my body can heal itself.

I can tell others that I understand. I know.

By placing my body into the Hands of God, I have co-created life with my husband and Him. I have brought forth unique, beautiful individuals, with whom my heart will always be tied.

I see the world better; every sunset, every snowstorm, every clash of lightening, every flower --even the blades of grass in a sidewalk crack --are appreciated simply because my child sees it first.

I understand the position of being needed desperately at any moment. I am a healer and savior and counselor and friend to my children.

I have looked into the eyes of my husband and without speaking, known the names of just-born children, witnessed the power of selfless love, and finally grasped the concept of forever.

I have been given the best gifts I never imagined existed because I had never experienced them before. Each sacrifice, coming from desire to be obedient and the desire to seek humility, has given me much more than I could ever have given up. Yes, it seems like I have sacrificed my life and all possible happiness to be a wife and a mother. But in all honesty, I owe Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ more. Again. For eternity. They have given me even more in my sacrifice than I could have been given without it.

Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave an address called Unselfish Service in the April 2009 General Conference. During this time I was pregnant with our fifth child. I desperately wanted him to be our last child. I was torn between well-meaning people's comments ("why would you care about this decision before he's born? Isn't five enough? It's your decision, what's your problem?") and my own feelings on the matter. This talk was the answer to my prayer. He spoke of parents sacrificing to have children, yes, but what stood out to me was what I had already learned about sacrifice and service, and it is the main reason we are having our sixth child:

We live in a time when sacrifice is definitely out of fashion, when the outside forces that taught our ancestors the need for unselfish cooperative service have diminished. Someone has called this the “me” generation—a selfish time when everyone seems to be asking, what’s in it for me? Even some who should know better seem to be straining to win the praise of those who mock and scoff from the “great and spacious building” identified in vision as the pride of the world (see 1 Nephi 8:26–28; 11:35–36).

The worldly aspiration of our day is to get something for nothing. The ancient evil of greed shows its face in the assertion of entitlement: I am entitled to this or that because of who I am—a son or a daughter, a citizen, a victim, or a member of some other group. Entitlement is generally selfish. It demands much, and it gives little or nothing. Its very concept causes us to seek to elevate ourselves above those around us. This separates us from the divine, evenhanded standard of reward that when anyone obtains any blessing from God, it is by obedience to the law on which that blessing is predicated (see D&C 130:21).

I am so grateful we have Prophets and Apostles who speak to us about simple truth. I'm grateful I listened to the Holy Ghost when I heard this Apostle speak. I'm grateful my husband also listened. I'm so grateful for this little boy growing inside of me and I can't wait to see his face!

P.S. As I was finishing this post, I had to stop and change a blow-out diaper on the toddler, insist the preschooler could wipe his own bum, and encourage the boys to stop throwing water on the bathroom floor. Apropos, eh?

What sacrifices have you made in your life? Have they been worth it? Are you still waiting for them to be worth it?

From the Archives: "Again and Again and..."

2012-01-26T08:17:00.003-07:00

This was originally posted on August 21, 2009. Not much has changed, eh? For some reason, that actually gives me comfort.

"Again and Again and..."

Get up and shower. Eat breakfast, feed baby, take vitamins, do hair. Kiss husband, send girls to school, dress boys, beds made. Change laundry, do dishes, supervise sibling rivalries. Pay bills, find shoes, change diapers, run errands. Feed baby, answer phone, attend meeting. Make lunch, supervise homework (early out all week), change laundry, fold laundry, sweep, check email. Answer phone, threaten groundings, wipe off table. Feed baby, change diapers, rock baby, think of dinner. Apply groundings, listen to readings, make dinner, endure whining. Kiss husband, feed family, supervise clean-up and other chores. Feed baby, change diapers; pajamas and scriptures and teeth and prayers. Lots of kisses, good-night, go online. Edit, upload, write, edit, pray computer keeps working. Feed baby, kiss husband, go to bed.
Sleep.
Feed baby.
Sleep.
Feed baby.
Sleep for a little...

Repeat.
More or less.

Nearly three years ago, I started this blog with only three children, not many hobbies, very little ambition, and a few piano students. My husband had a good job, we had no desire to move, and we were content, just slightly busy, and had no idea what stress truly felt like.

Now, here I am. We have moved twice, had two more children, and Brandon is not only in school, but working full time as well. I have had to cut down my piano students from 17 to 6, I have two other large jobs (one paid, one not), two callings, lots of ambition to socialize, and a need for voracious reading. I have grand desires for gardens, novels, and flawless chore charts. I fiddle with my music and prose; but really pray for sleep. I do not resent napless days, but I do dream of flawless moments. I muddle and mull...I keep it together. My expectations are simple, and yet I still have no time. I search for it daily --looking under piles of cereal, wet sheets, hurried day-dreams, and ouchies. I stare at my older face, and surprise myself by not recoiling when I find 6 long gray hairs on the top of my head.

I wonder when I grew old. I think of when I was 14 years old; so young, so clueless --wishing my youth away, wondering when I would accomplish all I wanted to accomplish. Worrying over clothes and boys and mascara; not realizing that in 16 years, I would still worry about clothes, my boys, and mascara. When did time add bills, cars, books, blog design, money, intimacy, the salvation of children? Staring at young eyes with older skin, I feel the same. I have not changed --desires for accomplishment, organization, validation, love, hope, laughter, joy --I am the same. I am Fourteen-Forever. Only experience has changed my views; my accomplishments are less, my organization is refined, my validation is deeper, my lovehopelaughterjoy is found in smaller places. Moments are captured and held longer, and there is no frustration at compassion. I weep more. I think longer. I capture momentum, and push it longer than exhaustion.

My days are long; my nights are short. I carry on, for stopping creates more. More of more. When I wake, I see the trees, the sun, the shortness of night. I wonder, I ponder --I stroke the dreams lingering from the impossible until the whimpering waking reflex takes over; I begin again.

And again...

And again...

What's Today Again? Isn't it Thursday, Yet?

2012-01-25T15:08:00.005-07:00

I was looking at photos of the kiddos from last May. That was when Brandon graduated from Wharton; we had a great few days in San Francisco. I think of those photos as "contemporary."
But they're not.
In fact, they are so old! My kids don't look ANYTHING like those photos anymore. It was May. And then I realized that next week is February.

Time DOES move faster when you get older. I think I get it, now.

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Today I spent the morning with my awesome sister and her boys. She always makes me feel better about everything, and I'm not sure how. We don't really delve into my drama (much) and our subjects are massively varied. But I'm beginning to think I know why. Behold! The list!
1. She gets me. She doesn't agree with me much, but she gets me! No judgement from her.
2. We can discipline each other's kids in front of each other. In a helpful way, I mean. Not spanking or something! But you know how it is with nieces and nephews, right?
3. She is a FANTASTIC mom.
4. She's rarely online. She's too busy living. She has a clean home (not perfect, but clean!) and although I know some of it is her OCD tendency, it's inspiring. She's organized and keeps her boys from too much media. She's just an all around terrific mom! It makes me want to be better. To get off the computer. To turn off the TV. To try that recipe or project or whatever I've been wanting to try.
5. We've grown up a lot. We didn't get along much several years back (5? 6?) but now, I think we've both grown up enough that we've settled into a great relationship. We've come to the realization that there's no reason to be jealous or intimidated of the other --or judgemental, either. In fact, she rocks at this. I've been not so good in the past --I tended to be offended that she didn't change her mind about things as I was changing my mind. Not any more, though! And I'm glad, because although I love my SIL's (of which I have four! They are awesome!), I only have one sister who grew up with me.
6. She's funny. And I love her.

Do you have a great relationship with your sibling(s)?

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Science Fair for #2 is finished! Science Fair for #1 is tomorrow! Whee.

(#2's was about how high different balls bounce back up when dropped from the same height)

Piano lessons are in 40 minutes.

I haven't showered today. Yuck.

A girl I visit teach just had her baby this morning. So fun! So jealous.

Carpet in office is cleaned! I can start moving everything in tomorrow! Huzzah!

Who wants to take my boys all day tomorrow so I can clean/move/organize? Hmmm? Anyone, anyone? Okay, maybe for just a few hours? One hour? is this thing on?

Bump on a Log

2012-01-24T11:41:00.005-07:00

Hello, log. I am lump. Or bump. Whichever it is, I'm sitting on you. And it's uncomfortable, to say the least. I've entered that "final month" of pregnancy --the one we pregnant women forget is so very, very hard. I remember that month now, though! The pure exhaustion. The lack of sleep. The inability to get comfortable. The large baby stretching into the ribs and pounding on the cervix. Yep! That month.

I wish I could say it has gotten easier, this last month (or at least the expectation, thereof), but alas, I cannot. Intellectually, I knew this month was coming --it has to, eh? --but I had deluded myself, once again, about how HARD this month can be.

I shouldn't be sitting on you, log. I should be up and moving. The preschooler and toddler have been watching way too much TV (PBS, but still!) and playing too many video games. But now the toddler is asleep. I guess I should join him.

The dishes, floors, laundry, table, desk, front entryway, shoes, coats, dumped out cereal, other food, painting mess, and dirty clothes in the hallway can wait, right?

(Energy come back, please. Don't tell log, but I really DON'T like him.)

Just Stuff

2012-01-22T20:53:00.003-07:00

It's so hard not to feel like I'm ruining my children. Do any of you feel that way? It's not so much that I'm worried about leading them "astray" --in fact, I think the only thing I'm proud of the most is that my kids have a very real and truthful grasp of Gospel knowledge --what I'm worried about is the way in which I quickly brush their emotional needs aside, forget to take time to love them and play games with them, yell way too much (my ongoing struggle) and teach them terrible coping skills, mostly because I have loads of terrible coping skills.

Anybody else feel the same way? That they are ruining their children --inadvertently? Because let's face it --we're not doing it on purpose, that's for sure! Or are you? If you are, we probably need to have a discussion (or I may need to make a phone call...and then walk away slowly...).

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Our Bishopric has challenged us to read the Book of Mormon from front to back by the end of the year as a family. At first, I thought, "Hooray! We already are! We are in Alma!" and then I realized they meant: "Start Over."

I'm pretty sure I want to follow their counsel and start over. But it's pretty tempting to just keep going. Reading the BoM as a family has been great for us --but we've been slow. It's taken us almost 2 years to get to this point! Our kids are very young and read their verses very slowly. We get in about 12 versus each morning.

But I want to be obedient. Brandon and I have come up with a good agreement, but I want to ask you, dear reader: What would you do?

----------------------------

By the end of this week, the office will be finished, as will the cleaning of our master bedroom. That means we will just have to focus on the older boys' room downstairs. Birth supply list is finished. Baby clothes are ready to be washed and sorted. Baby name listed is compiled. I only need to decide on my music (I don't train with music for months. I'm weird that way), and find a willing babysitter for when I go into labor during the day.

Five weeks or so to go. I can't wait to hold this little guy!

I Adore My Book Club!

2012-01-20T09:20:00.004-07:00

I know I've talked about my book club before, but last night we met for the month, and so they are on my mind. Forgive me as I explain the awesomeness of my awesome Book Club!

I am not the youngest; I'm the second youngest. But the youngest doesn't come much anymore, unfortunately. Our oldest member is 86. The average age is about 50. Or 55. Maybe 60?

How is it possible to feel so comfortable with women so much older and wiser than me? Only four of us (out of the 15 or so) do not have grandchildren. And yet, I feel happier at Book Club than almost anywhere.

We read amazing literature from non-fiction to fantasy, historical fiction to romance. We've read young adult Newberry winners, books about reading, and Pulitzer prize winners. We've read LDS fiction and Presidential biographies. We've read everything from Bram Stoker's Dracula to Gaskell's Cranford. How can one not love a group who enjoy such diverse reading? Last month we read "Deconstructing Penguins" by the Goldstones, and this month we're reading "Life As We Knew It" by Susan Beth Pfeffer.

When we discuss the books, we actually DISCUSS. We don't always agree. But we have such enlightening conversations and learn so much from each other.

I feel validated when I am with them. They don't treat me inferior because of my inexperience. They value my opinions (and love to watch my family grow over the years). I've noticed that I have taught them as much as they have taught me! If anything, it has given me such appreciation for all the women in my neighborhood and ward. Every one of them has such amazing stories to tell and life experiences to bring to the discussions we have.

I've been in this Book Club for nearly 7 years (not counting the year I was in California with ANOTHER amazing book club), but they've been meeting together since 1986! I think. 1985? Maybe?

I rarely miss a meeting. VERY rarely. My hope? I won't go into labor before next month's meeting! Crossing my fingers now. :)

Are you a part of a Book Club? Do you like it? How many Book Clubs have you belonged to? What kinds of books do you read?

Public Nursing: My Take

2012-01-19T15:56:00.009-07:00

*Disclaimer: I am not an expert. I do not work for the Le Leche League. I am not a doctor or health provider. I am only a woman and mother with an opinion based on past experiences, my own research, and my observance of others' behavior, either in the news, in public, or in my ward meetings. No, I don't have references because most of them are found in my brain now --I can't remember where I read everything! You can correct me --if you do it respectfully, of course. :) Please do not assume my opinion is RIGHT. I am only writing this to show women the history of the subject, the trends, and their options in order to eradicate ignorance, awkwardness, and shame.

Nursing. It's a long fought over, guilt-inducing, awful subject (can be) that has created division among women. Much like any other parenting subject! I'm not here to argue about the pro's of breast over bottle, or how if a woman can't breastfeed, than she should BUY breast milk or whatever (trust me, I'm not). I think it's safe to say that most women will agree on the following statement: We know breast is best, but we gotta do what's best for our babies and ourselves, and sometimes that means bottles. End of story.

Instead, I'm talking about a not-so-little thing called Public Nursing.

Recently, on Facebook, there was a poll about public nursing. Should one do it? Should they not? Should they do it discreetly? Should they let it all hang out? This particular poll was geared towards the LDS public, a very modest demographic. Mormons are notorious for their modesty (as they should be! I applaud modesty!), and so the discussion and comments that followed this poll were quite interesting to read. What I discovered were that people fell mostly into three categories:

1. Nursing should be done in private if it can't be covered up completely.

2. Nursing should be done anywhere, public or not, BUT ONLY if it's done discreetly. Or if the baby doesn't wiggle. Or make loud sucking noises. Or in Sacrament Meeting. Or if there's a man nearby. Or if it's done to make a political statement...

3. Nursing is a right, protected by law, is not sexual, should not be SEEN as sexual, and should be allowed anywhere, covered or not! Let it hang out! It's YOUR problem if you don't like it!

Where do you fall?

Now think about your answer for a minute and I will take you on a journey (before I give you my answer). For various reasons, nursing has ebbed and flowed throughout society since the beginning of time. There was a time in Europe when only poor people nursed their own babies and the rich women sent their babies to wet nurses to be nursed. Just a few decades ago (the 50's, 60's, and 70's), women were told that nursing was not as healthy for their babies as formula. In fact, it's only been in the last 2 decades or so that science and women have begun to realize that nursing IS the best option for a baby, and that if a woman CAN nurse, she should at least TRY because what she has is literally invaluable. Most hospitals, including Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Provo (just a mile or so from my house) has breast milk on hand for the babies in the NICU. Colostrum (that first golden liquid before the breast milk comes in) is dubbed "liquid gold" because they have never been able to duplicate it in a lab.

Okay, so breast milk rocks. Society has gone back and forth as to whether it is "normal" or "elite enough" to nurse (let alone nurse in public!). What does this have to do with public nursing? Everything.

Let me give you another lesson. This one is on society's view the human body.

Ages ago, (before Christ), women were seen as glorified beings because they could give life. This is why we have a lot of female and fertility deities showing up in many ancient civilizations. Women, especially mothers, were revered. Women gave birth in calm places, were hailed as holy when they did, and they nursed their children.
But then, ironically, early middle ages Christianity came into power, and the whole "natural sin" thing began a couple thousand year rampage upon women and their nature. Childbirth was suddenly seen as "sinful." Nursing was shameful. Women went into hiding as soon as they conceived and didn't come out again until the child was weaned. Children became property of the men. Women had no rights, little respect, and were taught that their sexuality, let alone their ability to propagate the species, was sinful and wrong. Unless the men needed heirs and children, and then suddenly, it was good. Talk about confusing for the women!

Enter in Western philosophies considering the human body. In most of Europe --but especially pervasive amongst the Puritans in early America --modesty was king. Nobody talked about the human body. Nobody SAW the human body. So fearful were these people about sexual sin that they swung their handy little pendulum as far to the right as they could.

Now let's go back just a hundred years, at the end of the Victorian Era and into the 60's, when women's liberation really took off. Suddenly, women were no longer covering up anything. Slowly, over the last 50 years, modesty has changed so drastically --thanks to the technology of the media. The idea that "sex is okay as long as they both consent" and "looking at p*rn is fun" and "women are only beautiful if they look a certain way and take off their clothing" is invariably accepted as normal. P*ornography is rampant. Sexual sin is normal. Affairs, one-night-stands, strip-clubs, and wearing very little clothing is as normal now as apple pie.

And this is where I come back to public nursing.

Men in this country tend to be raised (and have been raised) with the idea that women are A. Objects to be protected and/or B. Objects to be lusted. There are two sides to this pendulum --the A's are usually very good religious men (even the Mormons!) but they miss the mark --women are not objects (another subject for another blog post). The B's are obviously a little more in touch with their testosterone levels and lack of self control. But who can blame them when everywhere they look they are being shown sex, sex, sex? And women with no self-respect? And women in church who nurse!?!

Ah. There you go. It's an enigma.

Here are the facts:
1. Women's breasts were created for a few reasons. But the first and foremost was to nurse babies. To provide food for their offspring.
2. Breasts are a natural part of a sexual relationship that can be positive to both men and women. Ergo, breasts are also to enhance the sexual relationship.
3. Women, in western philosophy, have been raised with the idea that to show one's breasts is to show sexuality. They need to stay hidden.
4. Men, in western philosophy, have been raised with the idea that women's breasts are for sex only and should be hidden.
5. Secrecy creates curiosity. The more secret the body part, the more curious a person could get. P*rn addiction happens this way very easily --men know nothing about breasts. They never see breasts. They are never shown what breasts are for, and it becomes a secret. The secret creates curiosity, the man sees the secret through his wife (sexually) or a nursing mother or a magazine...mass confusion!
6. Men raised in societies where nursing in public NON-discreetly is normal --do they have the same obsession with the secret? Is that even possible since seeing a breast do it's first job overshadows the 2nd job? Or should overshadow it?

So, I asked you where you fell in your opinion with the poll results I observed. Where do you fall? Why? Why do you feel this way? Seriously, I want you to think about this before I give you my opinion. I want you to ask yourself these questions:
1. What kind of home was I raised in? Did my mom nurse? Did I ever SEE my mom nurse? Did I ever see another woman nurse before nursing myself (or seeing my wife nurse)?
2. How do I feel about the human body? Am I prudish? Do I feel shame when I see someone's body part on accident? Do I blush when I see a woman's nursing breast?
3. Did I have a hard time nursing? Did I have to bottle feed? Do I go to the mother's room to nurse because I'm being polite or because I'm embarrassed? Or because I want to escape the boring Sunday School teacher?

My Personal Thoughts:

*I don't care if women go to nurse in the bathroom. I think it's stupid, but I really don't care. I don't care if women nurse in mother's lounges or only at home or in Sacrament Meeting or on the plane, train, bus, car, or at public sporting events. I have nursed in ALL of those places.

*I don't care if women choose to nurse discreetly, completely, or full-on flashing.

*I don't care if men are offended by a nursing mother.

*I don't care if women are offended by a nursing mother.

This is what I do care about:

*Women feeling ashamed of their nursing breasts only because of the off-chance that their breast might be seen; the secrecy of shame that has accompanied them throughout their nursing life (or regular life).

*Women being asked to "stop doing that" in public.

*Boys and girls being raised never seeing a nursing breast/baby.

*Women being told they should not nurse in public if it doesn't fit the criteria of "being respectful to our society/public", i.e. loud noises (bottle babies tend to be louder, you know), seeing part of the breast, distracting "all the men", and/or making the men uncomfortable.

I nurse my children wherever and whenever it needs to be done. I have chosen to use a cover in places of worship (every meeting in Church), or where the baby might be easily distracted (wedding receptions, sporting events, large gatherings/parties). This is due to that "respectful aspect," because I really do care about being respectful, regardless of how it sounds. However! I rarely cover up at home, in other people's homes, in shopping malls, in museums, etc. Restaurants are an either/or. The reason I don't is because I'm pretty dang good at still being discreet. It's truly not that hard.

I do not cover up because of shame. I do not cover up because I'm worried about the people around me. It is a choice I have made. But every time a nursing mother leaves a meeting to nurse, and every time I see a poor baby sweating under piles of blankets in the name of "discreetment", I cringe.

Our society is screwed up. So screwed up that we have two pendulums: Far left (anything goes! Sex, sex, sex!) and Far right (don't ever see a human body, EVER! Run away! Run away!).

Both are very, very wrong.

(And before you freak out that I'm speaking out against prophets or commandments, please show me where the Prophet has asked women to not nurse their babies. Or that breasts were NOT for nursing. Or that seeing a nursing mother feed her child would send that observer to hell. And please note that it is only in a few western countries where covering up to nurse is even practiced, let alone encouraged! We have a world-wide church. It's not "the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who abide by western philosophies only", now, is it? Not to mention how we have artistic depictions of women in the Church in the 1800's nursing their babies in public. Please go here to see the photos.)

My sons always see me nurse. They will know, from infancy, why God invented breasts. I do not want them going on missions to foreign lands and freaking out when they see a breast being used to feed an infant. How many of you men who served missions, and how many of you women have husbands who served missions witnessed this for the first time ON the mission? Having never before seen a nursing breast? That is NOT the time to be learning about the natural reason for a woman's breast.

My sons will learn that there is a place for modesty and decorum, respect and charity. But they will also learn the reasons our bodies exist, how life is created, how life is nurtured. This, I believe will actually increase their respect for women. And the gift of life. Something all of us need should probably learn more about (respect for the human body).

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In conclusion, I think it's safe to say that many of you actually disagree with me. You will decide I'm crazy for thinking this way. That's fine. I promise I won't show you my nursing breast in order to make a statement (ha!). Just promise me that you will think twice before you judge that nursing mother in Sacrament Meeting, though, okay? It's probably me.

My Kids Are Constant Entertainment

2012-01-19T08:50:00.006-07:00

Stuff we've been doing lately:

Piano Recital for the oldest three crazies. It was #3's FIRST recital --he was so nervous --and he did such a good job! Funny story: #2 fell asleep (not kidding!) about three people before her turn. She finally woke up (thanks to #1 --they were sitting on the front row away from us) during the performer before her, walked up somewhat groggily to play her pieces and then...forgot to play her third song! (I guess I should point out at that each performer plays all of their pieces before the applause to save time.) She stood up and curtsied, the audience applauded, the next person got up to perform. Luckily, her kind teacher had her get up at the very end to play her last song.

Aren't they cute?

Other things:

*The preschooler peed on the toddler. That was fun. This came the day after the preschooler peed all over the seat on the toilet, including the bottom part of the top seat (you know, the lid). And I ended up sitting in it. Without realizing what I was sitting in. #4 and I had a nice "conversation" about why we only pee in the toilet bowl. ~sigh~

*Today is maturation for the girls at the Elementary School. Honest confession: I'm SO grateful my 5th grader already knows everything they're going to talk about. She still wants me to come and sit next to her during the presentation, but I'm not worried about the information they will be presenting. I've actually heard from some other mothers in the neighborhood that they don't teach ENOUGH. Which, in a way, is a good thing. It's not the school's job to educate kids on this, right? It's the parents. And the only reason we HAVE maturation in schools is because parents aren't doing their jobs. So, yay for having it for those poor kids who learn nothing from their guardians, and yay for those who do!

*I've been a slug all week. The nesting instinct comes and goes, dear reader. One day, I'm on fire! Go, go, go! The next it's all I can do to get dressed for the day. I'm determined to nest today --or at least do the minimal chore-list that needs to be done. Wish me luck.

*At Relief Society last night (formerly known as Enrichment night), we played an awesome get-to-know-you speed dating kind of game. So fun! But after it was over, I spent way too much time talking. Talking and talking and talking. I did great listening and asking questions during the game, but for some reason, I couldn't shut up later. Sigh. As I told one sister in my ward: "I'm an enigma in this ward. Yes, people like me, they just don't know what to DO with me." And I think I proved it (subconsciously).

*The preschooler and me:

me: Have fun at Bob's house! (name has been changed)

PS: I will. And don't worry, mom. I told Bob and Jimmy (names have been changed) last time that they needed to stop acting like satan. So, don't worry.

me: (busting a gut laughing)

I then explained to my 4 year old that we should ask people to be kinder --not to tell them they are acting like satan! But, hey, he listens in FHE, so whatteryagonnado?

*Discovered at my midwife's appointment that baby's head is DOWN! Yay!

That is all I can think of in the moment. Have a great Thursday, dear reader! Here is some fun quotage to send you on your way:

You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can't fool mom. ~Author Unknown

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

2012-01-18T11:10:00.005-07:00

Nephi said this:

"...But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." (1 Nephi 1:20)
I love this.

Oh, but I left out the first part of the verse. Nephi first said:
"And when the Jews heard these things they were angry with him; yea even as with the prophets of old, whom they had cast out, and stoned, and slain; that they also sought his life, that they might take it away..."

He was talking about his father in the first part. His father, a prophet, who was being threatened with death. Then he told us the last part of the verse. That he will show us (through his written words) the tender mercies of the Lord over who? Over those who have faith. Faith in who? Jesus Christ. And then they would be mighty! Even unto the power of deliverance!

Tender Mercies are important in my life. I try to recognize them whenever I can because if I don't, I easily become overwhelmed. Basically, completely. Plus, it's always good to be grateful for one's blessings, right? Gratitude, mercy, faith --these are fantastic things.

I like to think about Nephi saying, "Hey, look, Cheryl. My father was being sent death-threats, just for teaching about God. Then God commanded our family to hit the road. I had to deal with my older brothers who tried to kill ME several times, living in the wilderness, building a boat, crossing the ocean, and then getting my family used to a new land we'd never seen before. While all of this was going on, there was dealing with my older brothers' selfish attitudes (when they weren't trying to kill me), losing my bow so we couldn't hunt food, constant whining and complaining from all kinds of family members, and when we finally settled in that new land? My older brothers took their families, left, and basically declared war/hatred/feuding with my side of the family. For the rest of our lives. And look at me! I'm not complaining. In fact, the biggest thing I complain about is the fact that I'm a wretched man with little faith. I'm pretty sure if I could look on the bright side of things, you can, too."

[Granted, I've never talked face to face with angels, the Holy Ghost, or Jesus Christ. But, that's okay. I really like Nephi. I won't point that part out to him.]

Here are some recent tender mercies that have made me realize that, A. Nephi was totally right and B. That I'm not alone or forgotten. Even when it feels like it sometimes.

(Please note that most of these are financial-related. Not all, but most. Since we are in financial straits right now, anything that can save us a little is a tender mercy!)

*The baby's car seat is not expired! We don't have to buy a new one. It's safe, it's never been in an accident, it's never been recalled, it's NOT EXPIRED.
*I found a way to wash the couches without paying someone to do it.
*My darkest Depression day in the last two months only lasted that: A DAY. Not a week. Not a month! A Day. Only a day!
*We finally came to a conclusion about the van: We're just going to have be a two-car family for a while. I refuse to have a bench with three seats installed that would not equate safety for the kids; Brandon refuses to buy another car since we just BARELY paid ours off. And it's okay. The tender mercy is our agreement! Our resolve. My peace about it. My letting it go.
*The birth is paid for! I just have a few supplies to get, but the midwife is paid in full. Finished!
*My therapist believes I'm well enough to only see her once a month now.
*Our new neighbors across the street are nice. And quiet. And seem awesometastic!
*My 89 year old grandmother called us last night to wish us a Happy Anniversary. It was nice to chat with her for a while and realize how blessed I am to have such a great family.
*When the large gallon-sized water jug fell on my daughter's foot the other day, it did NOT break any toes.
*Our oldest child is not quite 11 years old, but she is capable to babysit our children (when we go out locally). In fact, she's better than most girls we hire!
*I'm not as awful of a Gospel Doctrine teacher as I thought I was; a few feedback comments after the class on Sunday helped me feel non-losery.
*My children are all healthy. They have use of their limbs, their senses, and their brains. Aside from colds, some eczema, a few allergies, and the need for glasses and braces, they are the epitome of health. THIS is more than a tender mercy. This is MIRACULOUS. It has saved us worry, fatigue, money, time, and sorrow. Would I still love them if they did not fit this description? Of course. Would I still view them as a gift from God? Of course. But I will not take for granted what their good health has meant for our family. (And if our next child is not as healthy, that's okay. I'll take him however he comes!)

What have been some of your recent tender mercies from the Lord?

Surprise Anniversary Dinner

2012-01-17T10:39:00.007-07:00

I'm going to brag a little bit today and tell you a story about my girls. Yesterday, as you know, Brandon and I celebrated our anniversary. The girls decided days ago that they were going to make it special for us. Why? Could it be because I've always emphasized special treatment on birthdays? On Mother's/Father's Day? Perhaps. It could just be that my girls are awesome, though. Because I never even THOUGHT about doing for my parents what they did for us. Brandon confessed that neither did he!

So, what did our girls do?

First, they made us stay in bed and brought us breakfast (toast, trail mix, yogurt, kefir smoothies).

Second, they made us dinner later that night. But it wasn't just ANY dinner. They set up a table in the basement for our "romantic dinner" complete with a family photo, a basket of flowers, and my cell phone inside the basket playing Classical music:

(Sorry, their heads are cut off; Brandon was just trying to get the table in the shot)

On the table were name cards, treasure boxes (with chocolate chips in them), and menus:

Inside the menus were our options for dinner (not included were the "sides of the day" including fruit and veggies):

(Sorry about the wrong rotation on the photo. I tried to rotate it several times, but it just won't save the right way!)

Brandon had the Nacho Blast and Water with some apples and peanut butter on the side. I had the Veggie Attack, Pasta's Doom, Water, and an orange on the side. (And just fyi, nachos is a popular dish in our home, so the girls made them from scratch, but the pasta and salad were leftovers from the night before.)

#2 was the main waiter and took our orders --even refilling our water happily! --and #1 was the main "cook" up in the kitchen. We enjoyed a nice, quiet dinner and we couldn't stop talking about how our girls always blow us away with their kindness and ideas.

It didn't end there, though. The girls then had us play a version of "the newly-wed game" (I won, btw) and it was hilarious!

I'm told constantly by school teachers, Primary teachers, neighbors, and their friends' parents how we are such good parents because our kids are so good. I usually say thank you, but I have to remind them that our children are amazing in SPITE of us. Honestly, they are! We don't know where they get half of their awesomeness, because we fail so often.

Somebody once told me that when our kids do bad things or make wrong choices (he was talking about big mistakes) then it's not our fault as parents and we shouldn't blame ourselves. But then he said if our kids are awesome-sauce and make amazing choices and are super-duper righteous or whatever, then we can be grateful we were such great parents.

What the?!

I don't agree at all. If we can't take the blame for our kids' mistakes, then we certainly can't take all the credit for their successes. Yes, I think parental influence has --haha! --an influence on both situations --how could it not? --but, but, but, there is that fancy little word called "agency," and need to acknowledge when our kids practice their own, and then praise them when they make great choices.

Needless to say, our girls made some very sweet and thoughtful choices yesterday. I asked #1 later last night, "What made you guys decide to do something so kind for us?"

She said, "We think it's fun!"

Man, I love those girls.

Thirteen Years!

2012-01-16T11:30:00.006-07:00

Thirteen years ago today, Brandon and I were married! It's true. It's been 13 whole years!

(January, 16th, 1999; Idaho Falls LDS Temple)

I've written a lot over the years on this here ol' blog about our wedding date, so I won't be doing that today. If you would like to read about the wedding, though, please go here (this one tells a cute story at the end about our wedding luncheon), here (this one tells the whole wedding story --pretty much), here (tells about our 10 year anniversary --we were in London! A dream come true for me!), here, and here.

Instead, I'm thinking about lists. I'm a list-maker (and a list-hater; how's that for irony?) and I enjoy making lists in my mind. Like bullet points or something. In fact, I made a small one last year. Huh. Oh, well.

In thirteen years, Brandon and I have:

*moved 8 times

*received 3 degrees (1 Bachelors each, 1 Master's for Brandon)

*served in over 32 callings in our Church

*had six children and two miscarriages (disregard the fact that baby #6 won't arrive until next month, because even if the most horrific of horrific happens, he's still ours forever!)

*owned 5 vehicles and 1 house

*gone through 16 jobs (counting our jobs while in college)

*traveled to at least 11 countries (not always together, though)

*received 3 speeding tickets (I think. If it's more, they're his! I've only gotten one. In my life! --knock on wood)

*lost 90 pounds together (disregard the gaining back of some of it, okay?)

AND

*have had innumerable moments of laughter, anger, joy, frustration, loneliness, fatigue, arguments, dates, temple trips, kisses, biting-of-the-tongues, contradictions, compromises, and hand-holdings. Not to mention peace and contentment.

Marriage is not easy, but it is wonderful. I feel very blessed to have Brandon in my life and I love him with all of my heart!

(Outside Buckingham Palace on our 10th wedding anniversary)

(Brandon's graduation ceremony in Philadelphia, PA last May)

(BYU Basketball game a few months ago)

(Ha! His head really isn't that much bigger than mine --see the other pictures --it's just in these phone pictures, he's the one holding the phone to take the shot, so the angle is funny.

Sorry, honey!)

(Aspen Grove Family Camp, Oct. 2011)

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.

~Bruce Lee

Today Happens To Be Friday. The 13th. I Keep Forgetting.

2012-01-13T13:16:00.003-07:00

The toddler is sleeping and the preschooler is drawing pictures of fish as per my instructions (in order to get him to forget how much he wants to play the Wii). The older kids will be coming home from school in about 20 minutes (early out every Friday). I really should be cleaning the kitchen and folding the laundry and washing the windows in the empty room that is to be painted next.

I'm 34 weeks today. I just realized that if I go into labor in 2 more weeks, there will be no reason to stop it from happening! Two weeks. Two weeks. Two weeks. Of course, that's assuming I'd GO into labor in two weeks, and we all know that never happens. (Knock constantly on wood.)

This is a new territory for me, dear reader. I've only "gone into labor on my own" once. Only one out of five. Ironically, it was my first baby! My water broke on my due date (not the doctor's due date --I was going by my own calendar, not his). It was actually very, very nice! No questions about contractions --my water broke. Off to the hospital we went!

Funny how if my water broke this time, I'd just hang out here until the baby was born.

The other four times were inducements. I was loaded up on tons of pitocin. I gave birth unmedicated with them, anyway (the second by accident).

This time, there will be no inducement. No pitocin! Can you imagine how great labor and delivery will be for me withOUT pitocin? I mean, I figured it was a piece of cake (hard still, yes) before, but this should be nothin'! No pitocin! None! Just me!

I'm a little giddy at the thought.

Brandon has been in Texas all week. He's finally home (although he's working late tonight) and I'm looking forward to this weekend. Date tomorrow, no school on Monday, our anniversary on Monday...

I still wish I could express a coherent thought without wincing in agony. My brain is so tired, dear reader. Didn't I say that a few days ago? Yesterday? Tomorrow? Probably. I keep writing these posts though so I have some semblance of a journal to give to my kids someday. I can just imagine their faces looking through one of these blog posts -- "Mom wrote a LOT about her period." "Holy cow, is she complaining about me again!?" "Mom was weird."
Although I do hope there's a couple of "I'm so glad mom wrote about her depression; it's helped me with mine!" and "mom was so witty!" Not that I want my kids to have depression. You know what I mean.

Well, I better sign off. Please have a fantastic weekend, dear reader! I'm teaching about the Tree of Life on Sunday, so I'll leave you with these awesome words:

"And the angel said unto me... Knowest thou the meaning of the tree which thy father saw? And I answered him, saying: Yea, it is the love of God, which sheddeth itself abroad in the hearts of the children of men; wherefore, it is the most desirable above all things. And he spake unto me, saying: Yea, and the most joyous to the soul."
1st Nephi 11:21-23

Being Nice

2012-01-12T09:22:00.004-07:00

I'm trying to be nicer and more positive (thanks to Steph's resolution this year). In fact, read her post and please notice the print-out her friend made:

This phrase comes from the Primary Song, "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus" and it's one of my favorites. In fact, I'm never surprised when I hear so many other people claim it's their favorite primary song, either. It's a goodie!

Well, in order to be nicer, I decided I need to stop caring about people's rude insinuations or disparaging remarks, especially about my pregnancy. Or my food choices. Or my choice to give birth at home. Or my disgusting house. Ha! Just kidding about the house. Nobody cares what my house looks like. Well, maybe the people who live here do...

Anyway, here are some positive things that happened yesterday at Costco because I, myself, me, moi, yours truly decided to be positive FIRST:

1. The pharmacy lady helped me for nearly 30-35 minutes to figure out my insurance (and lack thereof) and help me find solutions so I didn't have to fork over 500 bucks for asthma medication. I was very patient with her and kind and tried to be super helpful and she gladly returned the favor.

2. I sat down next to an older gentleman while I was waiting for the pharmacy lady to make some phone calls, and he said something about my protruding belly. Usually, in my hormonal state, I would have been defensive, but instead I laughed with him about my huge-ness. We ended up having a delightful conversation!

3. I was very patient and kind to my younger boys (the older three kids were at piano lessons, thus the Costco run) while we were in the store. "You want that sample?" "Help me pick this out" and "who wants gum?" In return, a miracle happened: They were patient and kind with me! Several people in the pharmacy area remarked on their awesome behavior.

I left the store just happy!

Of course, this is an isolated event, and I'm not ignorant enough to imagine that the outcome will ALWAYS be like this --my positive attitude or not, but! It was a good reminder to me how our ability to choose a positive outlook can honestly change our situations. And in light of my needed time out last Saturday, the contrast is NOT lost on me!

Optimism used to be my best friend. I think it's time to rekindle that relationship and make it permanent!

How has your attitude changed a situation? Do you consider yourself more negative or positive?

Yesterday's Craziness

2012-01-11T07:35:00.003-07:00

Indulge me while I write this down. I need to remember what I did yesterday and how I probably shouldn't have pushed myself. But nesting is a strong instinct!

Get boys ready
Drop off preschooler at school
Start taking apart furniture in boys' room
Get a phone call from #1; pick her up from school (she was sick. So she claims; I still think she was slightly faking)
Work on moving furniture from boys' room into newly painted/cleaned "nursery" (girls' old room)
Pick up preschooler
Put crib together
Make lunch
Move more furniture and go through all the boys' things --divide into Toys, Stuff for their Room Downstairs, Books, and Legos
Be grateful the semi-sick #1 was home to help me move the heavier stuff!
Take a break and finish watching a Disney Movie with #1 while #5 took a nap
Finish the room changing (for the next four hours) which included: bed making, picture hanging, shelf fixing/changing, pulling-off-stickers supervising, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning
Make kids get their own dinner (which they actually like)
Eat some cold cereal myself
Make kids clean living room/kitchen
Vacuum living room
Do dishes
Put kids to bed
Make hot herbal tea (pregnancy tea!); realize the need for laundry doing tomorrow (today. whatever)
Take out all recyclables while tea seeps
Take out all garbage (bathroom, kitchen, laundry room) while tea seeps
Get clothes ready to be laundered
Sit down to watch "White Collar" and drink tea
Continue to rue the fact that we allowed #5 to nap as I continually had to get up to re-tuck the boys into bed. Also realize how excited the toddler is to be in "his new room."
Finally get the boys to settle down and sleep by 10:30PM (It'll be good for the older boys not to have the toddler in their room anymore!)
Take vitamins/meds
Go to bed EXHAUSTED

Up again by 6:50AM for scriptures --luckily, everyone got up in time! That's a first!

P.S. Brandon is out of town this week. Thus his lack of presence in my day yesterday. If he HAD been here, I think it might have gone differently, eh?

Today: All laundry, Costco, Take boys to get their haircut, NAP, NAP, NAP! If possible. Oh, and take kids to piano lessons. Hopefully go to bed early.

Conclusion: I REALLY want to get these rooms finished. I REALLY want to be able to rest and relax for AT LEAST a few weeks before this baby comes. I need the peace. I need the knowledge that everything is ready to welcome this new addition. That's not wrong or strange, right? It's normal. And since this kid marks so much change in our family, I need to get it all done, ASAP!

That is all. Carry on.

Tuesday Random

2012-01-10T08:32:00.002-07:00

Oh, look. Dishes that need to be done. Cereal that needs to be put away. A preschooler who needs his hair combed and teeth brushed. The toddler should probably get his shoes on soon. I have 15 minutes before we drop the preschooler off for school and then it's back home to the grind. The grind? Grind. Weird word.

I have furniture and books and toys to move --Room #2 is finished! Photos to come later. But I need to get the shift-over finished so hubby-man can paint the next room. We have to do it one-by-one in order for it to work. Unfortunately, that means the older boys won't get their room until it's all finished. I'm hoping it can happen in less than 2 weeks. That's reasonable, right?

Just bought a Bumbo online. I realized as I purchased it that it will probably be the last piece of baby "stuff" I buy. Ever.

The toddler just went to get more cereal. I already washed him up, crazy kid.

My brain is so tired today, but I'm determined to get stuff done! All that stuff up there. Plus laundry and dishes and the floors and...well, whatever. I get it all done --it just takes me so much longer now. I go very slow. But as I go about doing it all, I tell myself: "It's okay if you're slow. You are growing another human being. And at least you are doing it! Slowness is nothing in the face of actually DOING IT."

My friend Flip Flop Mama had her baby! So excited for her that her baby girl is here. Makes me want mine --but not until the rooms are finished!

My other friend and her hubby are going to Hawaii today. SO. Very. Jealous. I shouldn't be --I was just there in June! But Hawaii and me = true love. Can't help being a tad jealous. Maybe we should just move there.

I'm trying to be more positive. But I made the mistake of saying it out loud and writing it down and now satan and his minions are throwing out the temptation like crazy. Don't believe me? Too bad for you. Because it's true. I'm trying to be nicer, but instead I keep freaking out. Which reminds me of a story:
On Saturday, we had a bazillion things to do. I was stressed. It got to the point that I was yelling at EVERYONE, including poor Brandon. When I shouted first at the 4 year old "Stop acting like a child!" and then yelled at my husband (who, bless his heart, just stood there), I knew I was out of control. So I went into our bedroom and shut the door. I took a 20 minute hot shower, got dressed in comfy clothes, and then took a 2-3 hour nap.
Some may say that was laziness and selfishness winning. My family thinks otherwise.
I gave myself a time out. My body needed the rest (I was so exhausted) and my brain needed to calm down. I can't say it made me the cheeriest person ever, but when I finally emerged, I apologized profusely, taught my kids what I had done wrong, and told them that taking time outs when anger was ruling the situation was IDEAL.

Yeah. So I'm not perfect. Meh.

Okay. Gotta run. The preschooler still needs to brush his teeth!

Change

2012-01-09T07:29:00.004-07:00

(Here's a little ditty I wrote this morning:)

CHANGE

Slowly drifting far away
within the wood of bonded clay
breaking bands with public light
which skews amongst the cabin's fright

"take me on (I want to stay?)
it won't be long before I say
that moving forward, back to sea
was simply where I had to be"

But gales of wind keep me back,
those gusts of mourning, breezes black.
which is right, the sea or shore?
taking less or giving more?

it does not speak, the matter's done
the boat has launched, the deed is sung

within the moaning sound of pain
a whisper shouts it's last refrain
reminds me how the tethered land
stole myself, abhorred my stand.

turn about, forget the past
hoist the sail upon the mast
fight the wind of black delight
forward, forward, canvas white

the crumbling earth left far behind
was not foundation, how did it bind
my heart to man, to mocking scorn
blowing forth the tempter's horn?

storms or calm within the sea
each will give my heart to Thee
those who thrust my boat from shore
only made my heart give more.

thirsty raindrops wash my face;
tears announce His sweet embrace

[Copyright, Jan. 9th, 2012, Cheryl from Happy Meets Crazy]

[A Rough Sea With a Fishing Boat, Joseph Mallord William Turner]

Principal's Office, Utah Symphony, and Not Carpe-ing the Diem

2012-01-06T09:08:00.004-07:00

I have so much to write about, and even though I'd rather make each of my blog entries nice, concise, on-theme essays, it seems like my random posts are more frequent. I guess if I wrote more...? Oh, well. We'll just all have to deal, eh?

----------------------------

Yesterday I got a phone call from the principal. First time. Ever. #3 got into a small scuffle (the kid was making fun of him, my kid shoved the other kid, the other kid shoved back, it escalated, my kid elbowed the other in the eye --accidentally, it seems --and they both ended up in the principal's office) and the principal called me before he spoke to #3 about his punishment. I wish I could say I handled it with decorum and tact, but instead? I bawled like a baby. Completely cried my eyes out.

Sigh.

Luckily, our principal was very kind and even seemed to show remorse when I mentioned #3's 4S, my pregnancy, and the fact that we were already aware of #3's tendency to gravitate towards anger. It didn't help, though. I just felt like an idiot.

Long story short, he has detention during lunch recess all next week and wrote the kid a letter of apology (turns out the other kid has detention, too --and his mom was on guard duty at recess and took them BOTH to the principal; good mom!) and we had a nice talk after school about why we don't fight with kids at school. I figured it was all resolved. Done. Finished. But then he said:
"Yeah, Mr. Anderson (principal) is nicer than Miss G (our former principal)."
I stopped short.
"What? What do you mean he's nicer?"
"When I got in that fight last year and had to see Miss G."
"WHAT!? What do you mean you got in a fight and had to see her last year!?"
"I got in a fight with someone during recess and fell on the ice and I had to see Miss G and got detention during recess for 2 weeks while I was in 1st grade." (he said this all matter-of-factly)
"WHAT!?!?!?? I never got a phone call last year! I never heard about this!"
"That's because I didn't want you to get mad."
Trying to calm down: "Well, I'm glad Mr. Anderson called me!"
"Yeah, he's nicer."

So, it turns out, our kid isn't as clean on his record as we thought. Oh, sigh, sigh, sigh. We ended the conversation with honesty and telling mom EVERYTHING so she will know how to better help him in his life. Or something philosophical and logical like that.

-----------------------

Yesterday, before I got the principal phone call, a friend and neighbor offered us two tickets to the Utah Symphony. They were performing last night at BYU and my friend couldn't use their tickets (for some reason; I didn't ask) and so Brandon and I took them willingly. The symphony! I was very excited. I even showered, dear reader. I even put on make-up! It was that important. We barely made it in time, though --Brandon had to work late and rushed home, I jumped into the car (in a rotten mood because I was sure we would miss everything until intermission: "It's not a sporting event, you know! If you're late to the symphony, you have to wait in the hall!"), tried not to freak out when Brandon raced, raced, raced to BYU, and we walked into the concert hall just as they were tuning their instruments, headed to our seats just as the conductor walked out, and sat down just as the applause died down.
Phew! Brandon was one lucky man. ;)

It was a magical night, dear reader. Pure magic. I haven't been to something so perfect in such a long time! Here's the program:

Guest Conductor: Andrey Boreyko
Guest Pianist: Conrad Tao (17 year old prodigy who has been performing around the world for at least a decade. He BLEW MY MIND. I actually got emotional watching him play; it was breathtaking!)
Program:
*The Enchanted Lake, op. 62 by Anatoli Liadov
*Tchaikovsky's Piano Concerto No. 1 in B-flat minor, op 23
(Then we gave Conrad Tao several encores, so he came out and played Liszt's Hungarian Rhapsody Number 6 (not the most familiar, publicly) and he amazed us again!)
*Intermission
*Shostakovich's Symphony No.5 in D-minor, op. 47

I was sincerely riveted for the entire two hours. Riveted. I've always been ho-hum about Shostakovich, but I am now a true fan. It was amazing! The whole thing.

You have to understand, though, dear reader, that I'm a classically trained musician. No, I'm not a prodigy, no I never got much past a few lessons in college (in other words, I'm not a concert pianist), nor have I ever performed professionally. However, I understand classical music, musical theory, and what it takes to be awesome. I enjoy it a lot. At the same time, I am pretty well-rounded in the music I enjoy and listen to. The other day, I had "Tears for Fears" radio going on Pandora. I enjoy some U2, Muse, Adele, Martina McBride, Enya, Journey, Bon Jovi, Pearl Jam, and Garth Brooks. But lately, I've been redrawn to Classical. In fact, as I'm driving, do you know what station I've been listening to the most? Classical 89. Yep. The BYU Classical music station. Three reasons why:
1. My Uncle Bruce (Bruce Seely) is the morning DJ (and has been for a decade or so)
2. It calms all the kids down; they seriously change moods within minutes after listening to that station
3. I think Baby likes it as much as I do. Maybe I'm growing a prodigy?

So, there you go. I love Classical Music. Here's the best part: So does my husband! He's also a classically trained musician, and he enjoys the symphony, Broadway, and the opera just as much as a Barenaked Ladies concert (we've seen them twice). Do you realize how lucky I am?

Maybe we should get season tickets to the Symphony next year.

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Go read this post:

Don't Carpe Diem

I have been trying for YEARS to get the older women in my ward and neighborhood to admit that raising small children was not all peaches and roses as they claim. I've been trying to convince them that although they might miss their small kids, they really don't miss the poop, puke, dirt, tantrums, emotional outbursts, and constant disobedience. They won't budge, though. They claim that I need to just ENJOY EVERYTHING. If I don't, then I will regret it. Because they obviously regret it.

I don't believe them for a second.

I'm guessing they have either:
A. Repressed all the bad parts of motherhood
B. Denied themselves the joy of honesty
or
C. Just don't remember correctly

It's impossible to thrust current opinions upon the past. The past is past --it's done. If you had a hard time with it, just admit it! Who cares!? And instead of telling me how "it goes so fast, just enjoy every second!" they should say (much like the author of the link I just shared said) "It's hard with small kids, isn't it? Here, let me buy you chocolate and watch your children for the afternoon so you can take a nap."

Now THAT is something I would agree with!

I've also been accused of being ungrateful by women without children. They tell me just to be glad I have them! Because it's obvious I'm not...glad...? This confuses me. Having children is HARD WORK. It's not easy! It wasn't MEANT to be easy. Children are a blessing, a joy, and a gift from God --absolutely! --but really? I'm not allowed to admit how hard it is? I'm not allowed to confess that sometimes I just want to curl into a ball and take a vacation every once in a while? Anything worth having in this life takes hard work. Marriage, jobs, talents, skills, education, and CHILDREN. I'm eternally grateful for mine, but it still does not change the fact that children make life harder. Better, yes, but harder. I don't want to diminish another woman's struggle with her desire for children that haven't come into her life, yet, but please, please, please! Don't accuse me of hating my life because I admit children are hard work.

And now, that is all. Carry on!

Lists. And Anniversaries

2012-01-05T09:35:00.003-07:00

Books recently read or going to read:

Deconstructing Penguins by Lawrence and Nancy Goldstone (such a good book! Highly recommended for teachers and parents)
A Schoolteacher in Old Alaska: The Story of Hannah Breece edited by Jane Jacobs
Fat Tony: Tech Support Wizard by Andrew Cannon
The People Code (formerly the Color Code) by Dr. Taylor Hartman (I'm a Blue. Completely!)
Birthing From Within by Pam England and Rob Horowitz (highly, highly recommended for ANYONE giving birth --whether it's in a hospital or at home, hypnobirthing or lamaze, first or last kid).

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Recent Pet peeves:

*Internet trolls who don't have the guts to use their real names and leave bitterness, judgement, and harsh criticism in their wake. It hasn't happened to me lately, but it did to a blogging friend and it was really awful.
*Having all five children need socks, underwear, and new shoes at pretty much the exact same time. I wonder how I can start staggering the need...hmmm...
*Late winters. And seeing how this one hasn't even started, yet (it's January and still NO SNOW!), I'm guessing it will be winter until August. GRRR!
*Republican Nominees who are forgetting the point that we need a candidate that IS a moderate who can GET Democratic voters, who spends more time explaining how they will BEAT Obama and less time criticizing the other Rep. nominees. Wanna guess who's actually doing that? Yes. And I'm hoping I get the chance to vote for the man come November!

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What I am loving lately:

*My very round belly and baby moving inside. Even when he kicks my ribs, or jams his head into my pelvis, I love feeling him move.
*White Collar on Netflix
*Daiya cheese!
*Starting The Book of Mormon in 100 Days. I'm trying to get each assignment finished each day (the point, eh?) but I've given myself permission to do it all in 200 days. In fact, I've read every day because of it --even if I don't finish the entire assignment in one day (and do it in two), at least I'm doing it, eh? And it's great! I'm excited to read the next one because it's on The Tree of Life --I'm teaching about it in Sunday School in a few weeks.
*Sunshine. Even though I know it won't last. I just need to go stand in it and soak in all that vitamin D!
*Fresh broccoli, blanched and seasoned, crisp tender and soooo delicious!
*Naps. For me.

--------------------------------

My parents celebrated their 34th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. Conversation with my dad on Monday:
"Wow! 34 years, dad! THIRTY FOUR."
"You know what that means, right?"
"That I'm going to be 33 soon?"
"Yep! Haha!"

Yes, I came a little over a year after they married. I will be 33 next month. It feels like such a young age, still, and yet --I don't know. All I know is that I'm grateful my parents are still together. Brandon and I have seen and experienced the pain of divorce of several family members through the years, and it's tough. It's not easy to see it happen (even when it needs to happen). Divorce is never easy. So, I guess I'm not just grateful my parents are still together, but I'm also grateful they actually LOVE each other! They are happy together. That is such a precious gift for them and their family.

Speaking of which, Brandon and I have an anniversary coming up (January 16th). It will be our 13th. Thirteen years doesn't seem very long, does it? Especially when compared to 34 (or 63, like my grandparents!), but when I think about it, I was married at 19 years old. That means I have been married to him longer than I was "single" and dating. In fact, in 6 years, I will have been married to him just as long as I existed before I met him. It's kind of cool to think about! But I'll write more about us and our marriage when the anniversary comes.

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What are your recent lists? i.e. books you've read/are going to read, pet peeves, thing you love? When is your wedding anniversary? How long have you been married?

Jumping On The Resolution Train

2012-01-02T22:21:00.004-07:00

Hello, 2012!

2011 is over, and it was such a busy year. Crazy, exciting, devastating, and just...weird.

Brandon graduated from Wharton with his MBA. It took six months to conceive this baby boy. We traveled just as much as we always do. I learned so much about health & nutrition, my own spiritual strengths/weaknesses, my depression, and my marriage. We lost Jared to suicide. Brandon's father re-married. Two nieces were born. My grandmother turned 89! #2 was baptized. Brandon changed jobs. (not in that order!)

I'm really hoping 2012 will be less exciting and more stabilizing. I'm really hoping for some more forgiveness and peace.

I usually don't make New Year's Resolutions. I find it silly that every January 1st, everybody makes the same resolutions again: "I want to be healthier, happier, and nicer!" It's pretty much the same for every human being. And why not, eh? Isn't it true that we all need to be healthier, happier, and nicer? It's a constant battle we are fighting with ourselves and with satan. I guess I just don't see why we have to set it down to paper in January, only to make the same resolutions the next January. *shrug

I've noticed that some resolutions this year, though --especially by my mommy buddies --have to do more with a character trait. Amanda chooses one word. Julie chooses one idea. In Church on Sunday, a speaker used this scripture to show how it could be a New Year's Resolution:

"And Jesus increased in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man." ~Luke 2:52

I like all of them. I thought, "why not do some resolutions? So what if it's the same every year? Isn't that the point? To increase in wisdom (intelligence) and stature (health) and to increase in favor with God (spirituality) and man (being kind and service-minded)? And so, I've decided to think about what I want to improve this year, jump on the resolution train, try to keep them, and.. here's my list!

1. I want to read more and be on the computer less. Meaning: less FB. Less email. Less browsing. More reading scriptures, novels, non-fiction, church magazines.
2. I want to train to run a race again. When I'm running (which I HATE to do), everything is better somehow. Getting started, however, is the tough part! Luckily, I don't have to start now. I'll start 4-6 weeks after baby is born. And even if I don't run too far (a 5K is good enough for me), I know that if I start running, I'll be more apt to start weight lifting, too. Cardio, weights, and yoga! Yes!
3. I want to fill my body with powerful nutrition in order to help my body, my mind, and my emotions. I already know how to do this (I'm still doing some!) --I just need to be vigilant about it.
4. I want to make my prayers to God more meaningful; more real. I need to work on my personal prayers and be more focused.
5. I want to serve people more --talk less, listen more. I want to find ways where I can serve, even if it's small.

Ha! See? Health, happiness, being nicer.

But it's okay --because the longer I'm mortal, the more I realize that these are the things we're trying to do to overcome the natural man/woman, anyway. To take care of our beautiful bodies (gift from God), to find joy in our existence (usually through spiritual channels and improving our minds), and being nice to people (making our relationships count). Because what can we take with us when we die? Our knowledge, our testimonies, our relationships, and our physical/mental/emotional addictions. What will we be asked to report on? Exactly. So, it just makes sense that we all keep trying to improve those areas (consciously or not).

Anyway, enough rambling. You get the point. Here's to a great new year and to becoming better!

Do you write down New Year's Resolutions? Are you able to keep them? What are some you are hoping to keep this year?

Updating the House for Baby Number Six

2011-12-31T15:47:00.005-07:00

Ah, Baby Number Six. Do you realize what you have done? You have turned our lives upside down (for the better!) and you're not even born, yet!

Because we live in a 5 bedroom house, we are now having to do some shuffling around. As of right now, all three of your brothers are sharing a room upstairs across the hallway from your dad and me. Your two sisters have been sharing the bedroom next to theirs. That means we have 7 people in 3 rooms. But it's been okay; comfortable, even! Downstairs in the basement, there are two more bedrooms (and a bathroom); a guest room and an office/computer room/library. But now it's all changing!

Because of you and your glorious impending arrival, it was discovered that having 6 children in two rooms --when we had two rooms downstairs --just didn't make any sense. But this house is old, baby. And we decided that if we were going to move the older children to the basement, we would have to make some improvements, even if they were small.

First up! The girls. It took a few months, but bam! It's finished! As of 20 minutes ago, the girls are moved downstairs! What we did to get it ready:
*Clean out/caulk windows
*Sand, prep, and paint (the girls picked out the color)
*Order carpet (they did it the next day! Wow!)
*Get furniture (we got the loft bed, two dressers, mattresses, bed boards, memory foam mattress tops, and a toy box --for the boys --all for $650 on KSL. Have I ever told you how I adore KSL?)
*Move them down!

The girls themselves put in hours of work --they were so thrilled to move.

Up next, baby, is to get #3 and #4's room downstairs ready (and move them), move #5 into where the girls' used to be (and set up YOUR crib in there, too!) and move the guest bed and computer/files/stuff into where the boys are now. Oh, and re-organize the master bedroom.

And we're doing it all for you, sweet baby. Because we love you! We've got less than 8 weeks. In fact, I'm hoping to get it done in 4.

Here are some photos of the girls' completed room:

Why, Yes! I Would Love Some Humble Pie for Christmas

2011-12-28T09:48:00.005-07:00

I wrote a post not too long ago about my frustration with having to really cut back financially on Christmas this year. It was truly a selfish post, one marred by reality and underlined by my confusion over how my kids might react on Christmas morning. This post, dear reader, is in response to that post, to those who commented, and to those who silently shook their heads in pity as they moved their browser to another page.

I ate a HUGE humble pie on Christmas Day. No, not a piece --the whole pie, my friend.

Because of our inexpensive Christmas, I had to:
1. Figure out gifts early, which meant I had everything ready and wrapped by the 22nd.
2. Get things the kids would REALLY like.
3. Not purchase much candy and goodies.
4. Be careful/thoughtful about what we did for other people (neighbors, mostly)

This resulted in:

*A fantastic Christmas Eve dinner, Nativity, Advent, gift opening, and Christmas video watching with Brandon's father and step-mother.
*A very easy "Santa-set-up" after the kids went to bed.
*A very scheduled, and yet awesome, Christmas morning: Up at 6AM, stockings, presents, Rhodes cinnamon rolls for breakfast, getting ready for Church (bathed the night before!), and arriving at Sacrament Meeting by 8:30AM to set up chairs and practice (our meeting started at 9AM; I accompany the choir and needed to practice some of the pieces on the nice piano; each week the kids help set up the overflow chairs with their dad at 8:30AM).
*A nice, quiet day putting together Legos and puzzles, playing Zelda on the Wii, and then a really fun afternoon/evening with my parents and my sister and her family, including having a Mexican Feast for dinner! (unfortunately, there were no tamales as per Brandon's family's tradition.)

Three of my five children told me it was "THE BEST CHRISTMAS, EVER!!"

All of my kids were very happy.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that my husband actually got me something! I didn't think we were going to exchange gifts (so, of course, I got him at least 4 or 5 gifts. I can't help myself!), and when he gave me a bunch, I was shocked! But so happy because he really got me things he knew I would love.

I love that man.

Anyway, overall? Awesome Christmas. We spent the bulk of it focused on Jesus Christ, and having Sacrament Meeting on Christmas Day? Awesome! Now I can see why other denominations choose to have Midnight Mass or Services on Christmas morning. It just makes the day so much better.

I loved my humble pie. I'm glad I was wrong. I liked that Christmas was smaller. I think we'll keep doing it...

How was your Christmas? How goes your Christmas vacation? Did you like going to Church on Christmas Day?

A few photos:

L to R: #2 as the angel, #5 as Joseph (already stripped out of his costume), Gr and Gr as Wise Men, #1 as Mary, #4 and #3 as Shepherds, Brandon as a Wise Man (holding the cat). Honestly, if you can't tell, the whole thing was a hoot!

#3 and #2 while we listened to the MoTab sing "Silent Night" during Advent (wish we could see the star on the tree)

Christmas morning just before Church --#3 was just upset because I made him stand closer to his sister. You can see a bit of Christmas carnage behind him...

My Friend is Moving...

2011-12-27T14:32:00.008-07:00

My across-the-street neighbor is moving tomorrow. It's a good move for them. It represents a long, hard-earned job for her awesome hubby, a new adventure for their three boys, and some more get-out-of-her-comfort-zone learning for my friend.

Those are the good things.

The bad things for them, I do not know (besides missing their awesome across-the-street neighbors), but the bad things for me are many. Well, just one. Or five hundred. I'm losing one of my awesomest buddies --not that we won't still be friends, but we'll be losing daily interaction and easy proximity. Not that we connected every day (busy mothers tend to focus on their own brood and rarely have time to run across the street or call when a thought crosses their minds), but we never felt imposing when we ran over for favors. We did girl's dates, her hubby (who was a stay-at-home dad last year) would come to my weekly playgroup, her kids and my kids are friends, we sit together in Relief Society each week, she comes to my Gospel Doctrine class, we help each other out, I introduced them to green smoothies and vegan eating (and now they are MUCH better at it than me!). She's talented, creative, intelligent, hilarious, cultured, and has great taste in movies, art, and literature. Her hubby is from Canada (we even have some ties through our parents), and her boys are very literature-minded (like my girls). She's beautiful, graceful, and not afraid to be herself. I love her tons.

I'm really, really going to miss them all.

It would be much easier if they were moving an hour away, but this is states away. STATE-S.

My nexty (the girl I'm talking about) and I have another friend who is very similar --as in we love her so much. We have so much in common. But she moved away almost three years ago to the other side of the country! Atlantic side. Think New England. Anyway, when she moved, we were pretty sad. But we managed to stay in touch --two years ago we both flew out there to visit her! It was so fun. But distance is hard.

(Our buddy who moved back East and my neighbor on our trip 2 years ago)

I shouldn't be so sad, but it's totally depressing me. Which brings me to another subject: Friends vs. Neighbors.

Now, before I start, please understand that I live in a very awesome neighborhood. The people here are genuine, concerned, and service-minded, not to mention pretty intelligent. We've lived here for 10 years (minus one year we were in CA), and so I've seen many people come and go. The over-all feeling I have is that I live in a very safe neighborhood with an incredible elementary school down the street. I'm pretty sure I could knock on any door within a three block radius and have immediate, sincere help rendered. I'm grateful for this --it's a blessing.

But...

True friends are hard to find. Kindred spirits (as Anne Shirley would say) can be rare (although I guess she learned they weren't as rare as she had originally thought, so maybe I shouldn't use that as an example). Hmmm...

Anyway, I find myself in a situation where I feel somewhat outcast, whether by my own actions, or by the choice of others. It's not because people "hate" me (far from it), but because I'm different. I often say that my adult life can be divided into two categories: The Cheryl Before California, and The Cheryl After California. While we lived in CA, I discovered so much about myself. I finally confronted my Depression. I learned to draw boundaries. I discovered my weakness for social validation. The Cheryl everybody in my neighborhood knew before I left came back as a very, very different person. The only thing that stayed consistent (or was strengthened) was my testimony of the Gospel, my bold/loud/outgoing manner, and...and...that's about it. I could go on and on about how I no longer did everything asked of me (I learned how to say "no"), how I withdrew from social/public acclaim, how I no longer pretend to care about multi-level marketing companies (no matter how awesome their product might be), how I tend to buck the tradition of WANTING to be room-mom and the PTO Pres, and how I became brutally honest about uncomfortable subjects (like my depression). Sufficeth to say, I was different.

People weren't sure how to react to the new me. First of all, they were just shocked we moved back (long story), but when I wasn't the same, it was confusing. The overall result? Withdrawing. Several people who had included me didn't know how to deal with me, so they subconsciously excluded me (I really don't blame them and hold no malice. It is what it is), even to the point that they just simply forgot/forget to even think of me.

This is okay. Honestly. It is. Because I understand.

It makes for a lonely time, though. If my depression hadn't already excluded me from those who couldn't understand what I was going through, being left alone to deal with it made it harder. Of course, there have been those who have been amazing and helpful (my Relief Society President and several Visiting Teachers are some of those women, not to mention a few who reached out to me during some dark times), but the overall consensus seems to be that "Cheryl is fine. She goes to Church. She fulfills her callings. She's kind of weird and VERY opinionated; I think I'll just be her acquaintance."

Anyway. Blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.

[And now I'm really afraid I will have unintentionally hurt some people's feelings. Women in my ward who I CAN count on, who DO love me for me, and who ARE amazing. I hope they understand that's not what I mean by this post, even though I'm really good at putting my foot in my mouth and insulting people I care about. I'm REALLY good at it... I'm sorry!]

But see, does everyone need to be best-est friends with everyone?? Should I expect to be best friends with most women who live near me? I honestly believe that although we can be friends with thousands of people, there are a very select few with whom we have a deep connection. Does that make sense? Another friend of mine said it this way: "I think there are some people we meet in life we have instant attraction to and I believe it's because we knew them before..." (meaning before we were born, in the Pre-existence). This makes sense to me, because even though I feel blessed to have so many people counted as my friend, there are still just a handful that have left that impression upon me. I had/have that in my across-the-street nexty.

I think this is why I'm taking it so hard. Because even though we didn't talk every day, I knew she was there. And she understood me. And she didn't judge me. She loved me for me. She didn't care if I was on zoloft (she takes it, too) or went to therapy or chose to be a recluse for a week. She didn't think I was strange when I invited her to all the social events (she declined almost every time) at Church where I knew I would chat it up with a few people and then go home feeling lonely again. She understood my love for Robert Frost and Victorian art and Enya music. She understood why I cling to my book club and blog and want to write seriously some day. And I understood/understand her. And even though there are caring people around me, it's just not the same, you know? To have such a connection with someone and to watch them leave. I'm sure you've all been there.

Anyway, I'm having a pity party for myself. Obviously. I'll write about happier things tomorrow. In fact, I have a humble pie post about Christmas to write! :)

Have you ever lost a close, truest-true friend due to death, moving, quarreling, or other circumstances?

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T09:26:00.003-07:00

Christmas and some of the cherished traditions of the season remind us that we, like the Wise Men of old, should seek the Christ and lay before Him the most precious of gifts: a broken heart and a contrite spirit. We should offer Him our love. We should give Him our willingness to take upon ourselves His name and walk in the path of discipleship. We should promise to remember Him always, to emulate His example, and to go about doing good.

We cannot offer Him the gift of perfection in all things because this is a gift beyond our capacity to give—at least for now. The Lord does not expect that we commit to move mountains. But He does require that we bring as gifts our best efforts to move ourselves, one foot in front of the other, walking in the ways He has prepared and taught.

~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Not A Christmas Post. Sort Of.

2011-12-23T09:17:00.007-07:00

I should be writing about Christmas. Because it's Christmas Eve Eve, right? But instead, I will bring you the random thoughts of Cheryl. Because they are fun. For me.

While I was in the shower this morning, I was thinking about my big belly (which isn't hard to do when you have a very large belly with a large baby inside of it) and I remembered a conversation I had with some ward friends a couple weeks ago. We were discussing the "pooch." The "dough-bag" the "protruding stomach under the belly-button that all women seem to have and seem to loathe." Since I am so wise and old (hahaha!) I spoke to these young mothers with the wisdom that is mine (basically, just that I'm having my 6th kid, most of them have 2 --we're probably all close in age. So, whatever). I said this (more or less):

"Well, we all have a uterus, right? That's an extra organ that men don't have. And whether or not that uterus works right, it's intended purpose was to EXPAND. To get bigger. To allow another human being to grow inside of us. Women aren't supposed to just be curvy this way (implying our hips), but we are also supposed to be curvy this way (implying the rear and the pooch). Unfortunately, we're told by society that women aren't supposed to look normal. We're supposed to hate our bellies --and honestly, how many of us actually get to the point where our bellies are flat? And if we do, at what cost? And does it last? I'm so over it. I'm also tired of hearing women who complain about their pooches as if they are ruined or wrecked or not beautiful because they have one. AHEM --we are women. We were BORN with them."

Okay, so I didn't explain it in that depth --but you get the gist.

Newsflash women: How many women do you know who have the flattest stomachs? Now, ask yourself, did they give birth? If they did, are they crazy about diet and exercise or have great genes? I can only think of three women I know (out of a thousand) who look like this who have given birth and are not crazy about their diet/exercise. They are rare. If you have a pooch, just deal with it. Stop complaining about it. You were born with it. It probably gave you babies. STOP allowing the media and society to dictate what is "normal beauty." Because their version of it is so messed up and comes from the plots of satan.

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Other thought:
How many of you answer this:
"I just want a clean house and happy kids! Honest!"
When asked this:
"Mom, what do you want for Christmas/your birthday/your anniversary/Mother's Day/Easter/Fourth of July/Labor Day?" (okay, just kidding, it's mostly for when people actually give gifts).

And how many of you NEVER get this gift? Never? Ever, ever, ever?

Me, neither.

Sure, the kids are young, but I have a feeling it has more to do with their NOT BELIEVING me when I say this to them. They just can't fathom something like that as a gift. They think it's crazy! I must be joking! Why would she want a clean house and happy kids!?

But I sure want it. Every holiday.

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I'm 31 weeks today. 9 to go! So much to do. So much kicking against my ribs. So excited!

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It hasn't snowed. At all! Yes, we've had an occasional dusting, but that's just not the same. What surprises me is that I should be happy about no snow! Excited! Thrilled! I hate snow! I hate the cold!
So, why am I sad?
I decided I like snow enough to have it for Christmas. Besides, there really is something magical about that first big snow --waking up to a blanket of white. It's beautiful.

We were supposed to wake up to a ton of snow yesterday, but, of course, the meteorologists were wrong (surprise, surprise). Luckily, though, the dusting we DID get was enough to get rid of the nasty inversion that had settled upon the valleys for the last few weeks. Yuck, yuck, yuck. I hate the winter inversions. So gross! Terrible for my asthma, too. So, I'm glad it's gone and we have clear skies. I just wish we could have snow for Christmas.

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Tonight we are doing the craziest thing: We are going to Temple Square to see the lights. On the Friday night before Christmas. However! We will be there BEFORE they turn them on and we will leave when the crowds get too heavy. It's also a surprise for the kids; this is the first night we've had available with Brandon's schedule. So, to the chaos we will go! And it will be FUN! And we will love it!

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Middle-aged Mormon Man wrote this post recently on his favorite Christmas paintings. He asked us to share ours in return, and this was my reply (I've included a photo of the painting for your viewing pleasure):

I love Joseph Brickey's "Journey to Bethlehem."

Joseph is focused on his task: keep Mary safe. Get to Bethlehem before the baby comes. Lead the donkey. (I need to add here that I find it endearing. I love Joseph. He was such a humble, amazing, reliable man of God.)

Mary, holding her womb protectively sees a shepherd boy- they stare at each other quietly. I imagine she was seeing her son in his face -- the Shepherd of us all. She's doing what she did best, which is quiet contemplation.

The boy is shyly looking at them, trying not to rudely stare, but how could he not feel the Spirit residing inside of such a young and beautiful girl?

As a mother, and especially as a woman 9 weeks from giving birth to another son, this painting just overwhelms me. There is a copy hanging in our Relief Society room and I love looking at it all year long...

Shortest Day of the Year, Thank Goodness. For Many Reasons.

2011-12-21T08:45:00.003-07:00

Happy Birthday to my brother-from-another-mother. You would have been 31 years old today. I wish you were here to celebrate it with your wife; I wish you were here, period.

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Hello, Christmas vacation! I'm glad you are starting this afternoon, but I am also feeling a bit woozy from making sure I've got everything done. I'm pretty sure I do. Let me think:

*All neighbor, primary teacher, visiting teacher, home teacher, school teacher, piano teacher, great-grandparent, grandparent gifts done! Wrapped! Finished!
*All children's gifts done (thanks to my awesome sister for watching my kids)! But not wrapped.
*All Christmas parties over! Finished! White elephants done!

All I have left, I believe:
*Deliver all those gifts
*Wrap all children gifts
*Make sure we have the food for the weekend (Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas breakfast, Christmas dinner)

It feels nice, Christmas vacation. I think I might be able to squeeze in some more awesomeness because I'm so close to being finished. We might make it to Temple Square to see the lights!

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What are your Christmas Eve traditions? Here's what we usually do:

Dinner
Reading of the Nativity --the kids acting it out
Jesus Stocking
Advent (I have a wreath on our table)

That's about it!

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My brain is tired today. My body is tired. Everything is tired. So, apologies for the lame blog post, but I better sign off before I start writing things that are...well...whatever. I'm too tired to come up with the rest of that sentence. *zzzzz

My Amazing Paternal Grandparents

2011-12-20T08:03:00.007-07:00

I love Christmas cards, letters, and photos. Love them. I have a wall where I tape them all up so we can look at them as they come, and it makes me sad that I'll only be sending ours electronically this year (if I can get it done). However, the electronic ones we've received this year have still been lovely and fun to read. It makes me feel better for doing it, too --less guilty, less sad.

But this morning, I decided electronic letters are just as unexpected and wonderful as the real thing, because I received my favorite online Christmas newsletter to date! It was from my paternal grandparents (it was their first electronic newsletter, and they did a great job).

This past summer they did something they knew they would have to do --they sold their home and moved into an assisted living center. Emotionally, it was hard for the entire family. They have lived in the same house (in Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada) for more than 50 years (they've been married for 63 years) and all my memories of them are tied to that house. My grandfather was an award winning gardener, my grandmother was (is!) an amazing cook. We spent hours tromping around their backyard climbing the crab-apple tree, hiding under grandpa's workbench in the garage, playing in the sandbox, playing "detective" with the cousins in the back alleyways. Their basement was a child's dream! Toys, chalkboard, games, lots of places to hide, and NO television (that worked).

Their home was humble (very small compared to what people would consider an adequate house now-a-days), but it was full of laughter and love.

But we knew they couldn't last. There were too many stairs. In the winter, the detached garage was too far from the house. Grandma and Grandpa have gotten older.

And so, the house was sold and they moved. I would be lying if I said it really bothered me much. I was sad, yes, because of all the memories, but I was very glad --I care way too much for Grandma and Grandpa and their health to ever assume a house meant more to me than they do.

My greatest joy: They are still alive. They are doing well. They are safe. They live closer to my uncle, now. They are some of the greatest examples of love and service I have ever had the privilege of knowing!

Excerpt from my Grandma's electronic Christmas newsletter:

"...Sixty-three years have gone by so quickly. We have had a good life mainly because we have tried to live The Gospel, which teaches us the true way to happiness.
Our memories of Christmases past when we were together; the back yard picnics with family and friends; sharing of talents with which we were blessed and then seeing the family grow step by step. They are so special. Each one of you is so precious to us. Being active in the Church is our way of life. That is how we say thanks to our Heavenly Father for all He has done for us. The Christmas season gives us the opportunity to let our thoughts and actions centre more on the Savior. He was the first gift from our Father in Heaven. No matter what we do we can never fully repay Him. Everything we do that is good, we are blessed for. Thus we are always in His debt."

When I think about everything my grandparents have given me over the course of my life, I realized that the greatest gift they passed on was their testimony. Such quiet strength, such determined service. If I can keep my testimony and my faith as strong as they have kept theirs, I think I'll be pretty well off.

I love you, Grandma and Grandpa. I miss you, too. I promise to get up to Alberta this summer to see you!

Photo of them in front of their house just after they sold it:

The Gratitude Challenge: 100 Things

2011-12-19T07:32:00.005-07:00

In the youth portion of this month's First Presidency message (from the Ensign), we are asked to literally count our blessings. Our home teachers shared this challenge with us yesterday, and I thought, Why not? Instead of whining about how Christmas will be "less" this year based on money (blah, blah, I still have a humble pie post to write as an update to that one) and my Depression (which is real, but shouldn't get as much face time as I allow it), I've decided to focus on this assignment. Counting my blessings. Literally. Definitely wouldn't hurt!

To find this challenge, go here.

10 Physical Abilities:
1. I can hear music
2. I can see sunsets
3. I can walk
4. I can run
5. Even with my asthma, I can still breathe
6. My hands and fingers work --I can play the piano.
7. My toes are all still here!
8. I can smell (a little TOO much while pregnant, but still!)
9. I have organs that are all functioning properly
10. I CAN GIVE BIRTH --huge blessing. HUGE. Beyond huge. Miraculous, beautiful, overwhelmingly amazing!

10 material possessions
1. Our house --we have a roof over our head
2. Cars to drive
3. Coats and hoodies that keep me warm
4. toothbrushes!
5. A bed to sleep on. Especially our memory foam mattress.
6. My engagement/wedding ring
7. Books! Books! Books!
8. Fireplaces. With fire in them.
9. Our piano
10. Computers/iPads/iPhones

10 living people
1. My husband
2. My children
3. My parents and siblings and in-laws
4. All my BFFs (you know who you are!)
5. My amazing neighbors
6. The prophet (Pres. Monson)
7. My therapist
8. My visiting teachers (whom, I just found out, are no longer my visiting teachers. *sniff)
9. Sissel
10. My grandparents

10 deceased people
1. My grandfather
2. Jared, my BIL
3. My Uncle Wade
4. Joseph Smith Jr.
5. Mary, the mother of Jesus
6. Great-Grandma Bea
7. Great-Great-Great Grandma Jane Coleman
8. My cousin Angela
9. Great-Grandma Sarah
10. Chopin

10 thing about nature
1. Mountains
2. Rain
3. Flowers
4. Tall trees (aspens, pines)
5. Clouds
6. Sunsets/sunrises
7. Birds flying
8. Waterfalls
9. Musty smell mixture of fresh air, damp earth, and pine
10. Colors of the seasons --how they change from brown to green to yellow/red to white

10 things about today
1. My sister is coming to visit me!
2. I'm listening to Sissel singing with the MoTab right at this moment.
3. Kids still have school until Wednesday
4. Baking, baking, baking
5. Promise of snow this week (praying it will be today-- this disgusting inversion is KILLING my lungs!)
6. Nobody is sick (knock on wood)
7. I don't have to do laundry!
8. There is a fun family Christmas party tonight for Brandon's company
9. The gifts for tonight are white elephant! Huzzah!
10. I get to finish finalizing Christmas gifts

10 places on Earth
1. Blackfoot, Idaho
2. Southern Alberta (Canada), especially Waterton National Park
3. London, England!
4. Half Moon Bay (not too far from San Francisco, CA)
5. Western Washington and Oregon
6. Disneyland!
7. Grandview Hill in Provo, Utah
8. The Great Wall of China
9. The Temple. Any LDS Temple. Any of 'em.
10. The Snake River (you know, REAL rivers. Big ones!)

10 modern inventions
1. The television
2. The radio
3. CD's and DVD's
4. My iPhone!
5. The personal computer
6. Facebook
7. Laser cruise control
8. Home security systems that have temp control, video surveillance, and automatic digital door locks
9. Email
10. Blogs!

10 foods
1. Avocados
2. Seafood
3. Spinach
4. Brazil nuts
5. Dark Chocolate
6. Onions
7. Garlic
8. Basil
9. Almond milk
10. Green smoothies!

10 things about the Gospel (or, if you aren't LDS, about your Church or beliefs)
1. Knowledge of the truth about the nature and character of the Godhead
2. Priesthood authority directly from Jesus Christ
3. The Gift of the Holy Ghost
4. Sacrament Meeting
5. Temple covenants
6. Sealings!
7. More knowledge about the Atonement of Christ
8. Scriptures --such an amazing gift!
9. Continuing Revelation. Always. Constantly.
10. The Entire Plan of Salvation

Quote at the bottom of the exercise: "When we make a list like this, we discover that a list of 100 doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of all the things God has given us."

Boy, do I agree! This was very easy to write. And overwhelming emotionally, too --I've been very, very blessed.

If you do this challenge (so perfect for Christmas, don't you think?), then let me know! I'd love to read it.

Cutting Back

2011-12-16T10:50:00.004-07:00

What is hard for me:

Cutting back on Christmas.

Why, do you ask? Because I love giving gifts. Love, love, love it. I love it ten times more than receiving gifts; I love to give thoughtful, personal, some-what inspirational gifts to people. I love to know I've given some semblance of happiness. Kind of like Leslie on Parks and Recreation , except I don't make it a competition (if you don't watch Parks and Rec, then you wouldn't know what I'm talking about).

But we have no choice but to cut back (drastically) this year. I've heard people tell me, "Well, that's okay! Do a homemade Christmas!" After I pick myself off of the floor where I was rolling with laughter, I have to remind people that A. I don't have sewing OR artistic skills and B. I don't have sewing or artistic skills. At all. Baking? Besides a nice cookie or loaf of banana bread, I don't have those either. When people claim they love their "homemade" Christmases, I have to remind myself that they can actually MAKE something.

What does this mean? A lot of people have been knocked off the gift-giving list. Completely. It also means the gifts are inexpensive or just plain cheap. It means a lot of forethought on my part to make sure that what I DO give isn't some insanely depressing lip-service and is truly given with love.

Yes, it does mean "less stress" if "less stress" means just buying fewer things. But it also means "more stress" because I'm mentally trying to figure out how to make it all work under a very tight budget. Frankly, I'd rather be buying 200 Christmas cards and sending them out, passing out treats and gifts to all the neighbors, and buying things my kids actually want instead of disappointing substitutes.

Yes, I also know this means many of you have a lecture on the tip of your tongue, telling me how "Christmas isn't about things!" and "Your kids obviously need to learn to do without stuff!" and "The best Christmases we had were the ones with no presents at all!" etc. etc. etc. My knee-jerk response:

So?

My kids are used to going without ALL THE TIME, thank you very much. We don't heap presents upon our kids just because. In fact, we rarely buy them anything unless the shoes start falling apart and their backpacks start to break. Christmas is one of those times where I feel comfortable giving them the things we would never buy for them --even for birthdays. Christmas is a time where I can exploit my gift-giving joys without the guilt. I know my kids and friends and family members and neighbors will be just fine without getting much (or anything) from us this year. I know it. I'm just sad I can't really do it this year.

And I'm perfectly fine with having to eat my words and find out that this will be the "best Christmas, ever!" because our focus will be shifted to just being together, rather than opening loads of gifts (and we ALWAYS focus on Christ at Christmas --that part will never change). Trust me. I am. Perfectly fine with eating my words, that is. Humble pie is one of my most frequent dishes...

What are some great homemade gifts you've given that didn't cost much and didn't take much talent? What are some ways you've been able to give to others without spending money?

Feeling Better

2011-12-14T12:49:00.004-07:00

I got to see the tub I'm going to birth my baby in today. I had an appointment with my midwife (at her house) and she showed me. It's so deep! I'm so excited! Forget those tiny things in our homes we call bathtubs --this is the real deal!

I had such a great appointment. I'm feeling so much calm and peace in our decision to give birth at home. I wish, wish, wish we had chosen to do this sooner, though. Everything about it is just relaxing to me! I know some women are probably thinking, "What the?! I'd be freaking out!" and that's okay. But I think if you understood how stress-free this is going to be, you might see it a bit differently (doesn't mean you have to change your mind, though).

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Feeling much better today. Reasons why:

1. Sleep
2. Green smoothies (and other delicious, yet nutritious foods)
3. Practicing what my therapist calls, "stopping the thought train."
4. Prayer
5. Continuing to take my meds on time
6. This quote from my awesome SIL: "Sorry to hear you're having a down day. But glad you are able to express your emotions. Feel them. Say hello to them and notice their presence. But don't let them overpower you. It's not you, that second voice. That's depression. First step is realizing it is separate from who you really are. Lots of love to you!"

Elaborations on the reasons:

1. Sleep doesn't need elaboration. It's obvious that sleep helps.
2. Jumping back into the green eating the last 3 days. Still amazed at how it gives me such energy and a boost.
3. "Stopping the thought train" is exactly as you imagine it to be: you start by thinking life is hard. Then it turns to how your life is hard, and then it's hard because you suck, because you're a failure, because you're not worth anything, because nobody really loves you, because...
See? It's a train that gets going and then goes quicker and quicker until you end up suicidal. To stop it, I have to think: Is my life really hard because I suck? Or is it because life is just hard? If I am aiding in the suckiness, then how can I stop it? Am I worth being loved? Am I loved?
If I answer the questions honestly, I realize that the thought train going is not real. It's not reality. It's my own projections. Just realizing that I'm pretty awesome (in comparison to the bad thinking) can stop the train cold. I just say "NOPE! Not gettin' on board!"
4. Prayer always helps. Like sleep.
5. Yes, I'm still on antidepressants. It's a low dosage, but it's needed. I have to be careful and make sure (at least during this pregnancy stage) not to go off of them or skip too many days, or else it's much harder to get back from the depths of despair. So, for now, they are needed.
6. My SIL suffers from depression and such, too. She knows what she is talking about and I love that I have her (and others) who understand and that we can lift each other up.

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Note to self: Don't try to cut the 4 year old's bangs like you would on a girl. He now looks like he got a girl bob haircut. Sigh.

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You wanna know what's a great deal? Getting two five-drawer dressers, a wooden toybox (with one of those slow closing lids), and a loft-style bunkbed set (with mattresses and memory foam tops, desk, and dresser built into it) for less than $700.

I love the KSL classifieds. Love them! Craigslist was the thing in California, but not here! In Utah, it's KSL.

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Nesting goal this week: Clean out entire bedroom. Master bedroom. That's where I'll be giving birth, and so I've decided it's gonna have to be overhauled and cleaned like nobody's business! But unlike most chores I have to do, I'm actually excited about it.

The Well

2011-12-12T16:46:00.005-07:00

"Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem."
David D. Burns

I would never imply that cancer was somehow better or easier than Depression, but this quote just spoke volumes to me.

What is it like to face an uncertain future when you don't have Depression? When you don't have to start 1,000 paces back behind everyone else in order to see the light at the end of the tunnel? I have no idea. Those who don't face the demons and darkness of Depression are strange to me. How do they do it? How do they get so much done? How do they face their lives with so much happiness and expectations of joy?

Sometimes, it feels like a deep well, and the only way out is to crawl up. It's slippery, slimy, cold, and dark. It's hard to find crevices to lift your weary muscles out. It's always worth it to crawl out of the well, yes, but at times, you just get tired of getting thrown back in over and over and over again. Even when Heavenly Father throws down a rope to help you out occasionally.

Yes, I'm having a Down Day. Yes, it's been hard mentally and emotionally for me. I won't lie to you --most of it is my own undoing. But that's the hard part about mental disease; it's easy to blame everything on it. It's easy to claim status as a victim. It's easy to just give in. It's easy to jump back into the well. What's hard is to know where the line is --is this just me? Or my disease? Am I lazy? Or am I sick?

I'm overwhelmed. Simply overwhelmed --again --by the enormous amount of what I have to do before me. I've been doing pretty good the last few months to chip away at what I need to do before the baby comes, before I lose my mind completely, before I start to believe I have very little to offer as a person. But today, I kind of lost it. I'm going to have to start over again.

From inside the well.

I better start climbing, I guess.

Why I Go To Church. Went to Church. Hopefully Will Go to Church...

2011-12-11T16:20:00.005-07:00

I was reminded of something today: I always learn something new when I go to Church. Every week. Actually, scratch that. I don't always learn something new --usually, I just remember something old I had forgotten. Occasionally I'll learn something new I didn't know before. I believe this is because our Church rocks at teaching the youth about the Gospel. Not that I've learned everything there is to learn about the Gospel and the Plan of Salvation (heavens, no!), just that I know a lot about it, like most members of the Church do. Unfortunately --although I know it was planned this way --I forget a lot. So do most people. Thus the constant reminding in our Church. Pretty much all the time. And it's awesome.

Church today: interesting.
I was flying solo until the end of Sunday School (Brandon flew home from a business trip this morning), it was Fast and Testimony Meeting (both of my girls got up to bear their testimonies all on their own), I taught the last lesson in the New Testament manual in Sunday School Gospel Doctrine class (next year is Book of Mormon! I'm so excited!), and halfway through Relief Society (the third hour) the fire alarm went off. It was pulled accidentally by a toddler who was being held by his dad. They finally got it shut off after about 12 minutes or so, and then we all commenced our lessons. The kids were all excited to talk about the fire alarm after Church! It was actually pretty funny (only because there was no real fire).

This week, I've been pondering why I go to Church. I always do. Go, I mean.

When I was a kid, I adored Primary. There was this buddy of mine, Josh, who would compete with me to see who could read the Book of Mormon the most times. I loved singing in Primary --I adored my teachers. My best buddy, Brenda, and I had a great time. I truly loved Church. [It also probably helped that I attended Church in the coolest old building, EVER. It was built in 1901, I think? It was built as an LDS Church, but it was so different than the church buildings we have now. There were corridors and secret passageways (just from the Chapel, down the stairs to a room behind the stage, and from that room, you could sneak through a furnace room underneath to the nursery room on the other side of the building.) There were stairs and different levels everywhere. I honestly believe that church building (which is still standing, has been renovated, and is still used as and LDS meetinghouse) was a catalyst for a lot of my imagination as a kid.]

When I was a teenager, I was busy. I didn't really WANT to go to Church, I was slightly indifferent, but I was constantly given responsibility. I liked responsibility. I liked having others depend on me. So, I went and I went faithfully. I mean, it's hard to skip when you're the organist, right? Some weeks, it was hard to go --but I still went. I wonder if most teenagers feel this way. No, wait --I take that back --I think MOST teenagers feel this way.

As a Young Single Adult, I went to Church faithfully, but I really don't think it was to strengthen my testimony. I always took notes, read scriptures during the Sacrament, participated willingly, fulfilled my callings, etc. but I realized (now, 13 years later) that the reason was much more selfish: I wanted a husband who was righteous. If I showed the men in my ward that I was righteous, I would find a righteous guy, right? It made sense to me (subconsciously, anyway). I did everything right, but I really don't think my reasons were right, you know? I never, in a million years, would have NOT gone to Church or NOT participated (in fact, my journal writing, my scripture reading, and my prayers were awesome back then), but I'm still not sure my reasons were...altruistic? Unselfish?

Anyway, it's funny now, looking back, because I didn't meet my husband through my ward or church --it was through work. However! He was just what I was looking for, and I was just what he was looking for --and testimony was a huge part of it. In fact, I think the bulk of our relationship was founded on how much we agreed on spiritually. Getting married meant I was able to make Temple covenants and this changed my heart a lot! Next came children --and they grew. And keep growing. And I have to tell them why we go to Church.

Why do I go to Church now?

1. I need it. Desperately. By the end of the week, I'm at the end of my rope --Church always refuels me spiritually. After going, I feel like I can face another week.
2. I love to hear from the people in my ward; I love to hear their experiences, their testimonies, their trials, their successes, their faith. It strengthens my faith and gives me courage.
3. The music. I truly believe music is a catalyst for the Spirit to reach our hearts and minds.
4. The Sacrament. Knowing I can renew my Baptismal covenants every week is a big deal --I know some religions that don't do it. Or only do it yearly. Knowing I can do it weekly just makes me love my Savior more.
5. Sitting on the bench, during Sacrament Meeting, with my husband and my kids --all dressed up nicely, learning reverence, worshipping together --it's seriously one of the greatest feelings I've ever had. And --usually, not always --I get to feel it every week.

It's not always easy. Church can be really hard --especially when Brandon is out of town and the toddler (or when we had a baby) has a blow-out. Or when kids are cranky and whiny and tired and fight. I get frustrated with ignorance and impatient with weaknesses (which is more a sign of my own failings, rather than others'). But it's always worth going. Always, always. Even going while on vacation (we've been to Church in Hawaii, Beijing, Shanghai, London, Canada...). Yep. I pretty much love Church.

P.S. By the way, even though I've gone to Church throughout my life for different reasons, it was always enough. I found that as long as I went and made it a habit, regardless of how I felt before, I was putting myself into the right environment and situation to have my testimony of Jesus Christ and His Gospel strengthened. It was always enough. Until I was ready for more.

Do you love Church? Why do you go? Have your reasons changed over time?

Random Post Brought to You by Me

2011-12-09T07:39:00.002-07:00

Michelle Duggar miscarried her 20th baby. I'm making sure I don't read any of the comments on any of the news articles because I have a feeling people will jump right in to declare that they "brought this on themselves" and that they are "cruel to keep having kids" and "it serves them right" and any other harsh judgemental language you can imagine. I'm assuming this because when they announced their pregnancy, they got that same backlash.

My heart just hurts for them. I think anyone who has miscarried or had a stillborn child will say it: losing a baby is awful. It's heartbreaking. Especially if it was planned, wanted, and loved. Even IF it wasn't! I know some women who have a surprise baby, struggle with wanting it, lose their baby to a miscarriage, and than mourn like crazy because they realize they did want it after all.

I hope the Duggars will be okay and can find peace.

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Today is Bythelbs' birthday! Huzzah! Just had to share.

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I volunteered at the school today for their Secret Santa's Workshop. Does your elementary school have this? It's great! The kids can purchase small items from 50 cents up to $10 for the people on their Christmas list. What's even greater is that these kids can purchase them in secret, and they even have self-sealing Christmas bags the kids can take so their presents are all wrapped up when they get home! My kids have already carefully chosen their gifts for each other at the workshop and put them in the tree. I remember we had this when I was a kid --every year my brother, sister, and I would always buy matching mugs for our parents. Why mugs? I have no idea. We must have thought that mugs were cool because they were big and ceramic and breakable. You know, better than a pencil?

I was assigned to the 50 cent table today. Now let me ask you, dear reader, which table do you think a bunch of Kindergartners through sixth graders are going to descend upon when the door opens? I sold everything but one item on the table in less than an hour. I learned they had overnighted everything on the table because they had run out yesterday. It was madness! But soooo much fun. The kids were so happy to be spending money on their family and friends independently of their parents (although the school did send home envelopes so the kids could plan and budget their money in advance with parents' help). And the younger the kids, the cuter they got. They would timidly point to something or hold it up and say, "Can I get this?" And I would say, "Do you have 50 cents?" and some would say "I only have a dollar." Seriously --so cute!

I'll totally volunteer again next year.

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Stocking stuffers are done! That's all, though. Still on the list:

*family newsletter to email

*finish all kids' gifts (there's only a few left)

*Gift for my hubby

*Gift for the grandparents, siblings, people we visit teach and home teach

*neighbor gifts

I may cancel neighbor gifts and only give to those who live immediately next door. That's only four houses. I can do that, right?

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When I wrote my post yesterday about Santa, I was expecting more of a backlash from people who didn't agree with me. I was wrong. Turns out, 98% of my readers agree with me. It now makes me feel sheepish that I got all bent out of shape --I must have been more upset by the situation than I initially told myself.

Figures.

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December the 9th and no snow. I'm not too upset --I don't love snow --but I still hope we have some for Christmas!

Why We've Chosen to Allow Santa Claus in Our Home

2011-12-08T11:41:00.004-07:00

Whoa, Nelly! I'm starting to learn, as a parent, that I'm in the minority when it comes to celebrating Christmas traditions. One would not think that Santa Claus would be considered the spawn of lies and the image of all evil in during the Christmas season, but after being online for a while, I've realized how many people, in the name of righteousness, are throwing out Santa altogether. Does this bother me? What people are choosing to do?

Nope.

What DOES bother me, however, is the few who are either A. supposing self-righteousness or judgement upon the rest of us "heathens" for allowing (and even encouraging!) our kids to believe in Santa Claus and thereby, we must not be celebrating the REAL reason for Christmas --Jesus' birth. And B. think they are amazing at being honest and telling the truth.

(Luckily, they are few.)

Let's look at this.
A: This is just sad. Parents judging parents. It happens all the time. I'm doing it right now (sort of)! I think it's even sadder when great parents, who love their kids, who are doing the best they can are being judged as bad because they allow a mythical person to entertain their children's magical Christmas dreams.
B. They have no idea they are just as big of liars as the rest of us Santa lovers are.

How are they liars like the rest of us? Here's why:

1. Santa Claus actually existed. Telling kids he's pretend eliminates the fact that St. Nicholas, who lived in Italy, started the tradition of giving gifts in secret. Sure, he died, but technically, he still exists. And when someone uses the term "playing Santa," all it means is that they are giving gifts in secret. How is this a bad thing?

2. Jesus was born in APRIL. In fact, way back when, the Christians decided to eliminate the pagan holiday winter solstice by turning it into the celebration of Christ's birthday. If you want to be truly honest with your kids, why are you celebrating Christmas in December? Why don't you boycott the season and actually celebrate His birth when it happened? If Christmas isn't about the snowmen and trees and Santa and hot chocolate and roaring fires and chestnuts roasting, then get rid of 'em!

3. There was no snow on Christmas. The Wise Men showed up 1-2 years later. Christmas trees are also traditions they didn't have in Bethlehem. Same with poinsettias, candy canes, snowflakes, red bows, egg nog, gingerbread men, and little drummer boys.

My point: There are so many things about Christmas that aren't "real" or have really nothing to do with the Birth of Christ and are just part of a long history of tradition. Each one is fun! All together, they equal the magic of Christmas --the season of giving and service and just plain awesomeness. Does it matter if little kids anticipate a magical person in a red suit flying around in a sleigh? And could they honestly confuse him with Jesus?

We talk about Jesus 365 days a year. Usually several times a day. His picture graces our walls every day. We go to Church weekly and learn all about Him. We read the scriptures every morning. We pray in his name at least 5 times a day! Santa just shows up at Christmastime and is always overlooked by the carols we sing, the Nativity scenes we put out, and the scriptures we read. My children are not stupid --they know the difference between the fun Santa and their Savior. Even my four year old. When they are old enough to ask, I don't lie to them; I recruit them to "play Santa" with us! My kids also know that Star Wars is a story, the Easter Bunny is just ridiculous (they figured that one out on their own), and they always figure out I'm the tooth fairy. But they --like me! --love the fun! The magic! The surprises! The sneaking around! This year it has been so fun to see my kids buying, making, and then wrapping gifts to give to each other and friends --without me telling them to.

So, if you have chosen not to have Santa in your home and you tell your 3 year old from the get-go that he's a lie, please stay away from my house. I really don't need your kids educating my kids on how their childlike belief in mythical, mystical, and awesome imaginary images (which are service-oriented and kind) is wrong and full of lies. Their childhoods only come once. As did mine.

And now my rant is over.

Oldness, Consequences, Costco, and Christmas Prep

2011-12-07T20:46:00.006-07:00

I am getting older. This is the only explanation (and my FB friends seem to agree with me) for why I feel so crummy. Pregnancy and I usually love each other, but this time...? Eh, not so much. I still love being pregnant, I just am not having an easy time with it.

It could be a combination of age and how many kids I've had. But then again, this is only my sixth. I know so many women who are on their 8th, 9th, 10th (20th, if you're a Duggar. Ha!) pregnancies; how is six hard?

It is for me, anyway. And I'm nearly 3 years older than I was when I was pregnant with the last kid.

How old were you when you (or your spouse, if you're a man) had your last child?

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Did you know, dear reader, that if you actually follow through on the consequences you threaten to your children, they will behave better? I know this, but today, I REALLY learned it.

Case in point: #4 had some small toys strewn all over the living room. We were all trying to clean up the whole house and I warned him FOUR times that if he didn't put those toys away, I would throw them in the garbage. The fourth warning was when I went to get the bag to gather up garbage around the living room (yes, we had garbage in the living room, whatever) and he still didn't budge. This told me two things:

1. I must be a failure at following through on the consequences or else he would have believed me

and

2. I have to follow through on this.

So, I did. I threw them away. When he came back in the room, happily skipping to play with his toys, to his mortification (and to #3's and #2's), the toys were gone. He asked where they were. I told him in the garbage. He howled forever. But this ALSO did two things:

1. It got #3's attention. I don't think I've ever seen that kid clean their room so quickly and so well! He even vacuumed it without being told!

2. It also got #4's attention --that kids HELPED clean up their room. He never helps. Ever.

So, yeah, it was kind of overdue. I knew that. I know that. I can see how the younger kids are more spoiled than the older. But! I did something bold, I followed through, and the consequences were fantastical. I'll need to remember it the next time I'm waffling about consequences...

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I want to thank the awesome employees of Costco. I was there today for a few hours and not only did they help me out with my two carts (because I had the boys with me and they couldn't repack my one cart nearly as well as I had packed it), but the girl stayed and loaded my trunk for me while I got my boys buckled in. Talk about nice! I wasn't expecting it, but it was certainly a grand gesture. So, thank you, Costco people! You rock.

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Are you finished with Christmas preparations? Yeah, me neither. I'm usually good about being finished by now, but not this year. Oh, well. Good thing we're slashing our Christmas budget by a bazillion this year! Saves me time, too.

Shawna Edwards: Do You Have Room? and He Didn't Ruin Christmas

2011-12-06T15:00:00.002-07:00

Shawna Edwards has written one of the most beautiful Christmas songs I've ever heard.

Honest.

As a gift to the world, she's shared this song online --I just wish I knew about it last year! I'm grateful to know about it now. Listen and Enjoy, and please share it if you can --on your blog, on Facebook, etc.
Plus!
What are you doing to make room for the Savior this Christmas? Share your thoughts (or a favorite Christmas memory) at Shawna Edwards Music (here or here) and Shawna will send you a free copy of the sheet music or the MP3 of the original recording of “Do You Have Room?“ I just printed off my downloaded copy and I can't wait to play/sing it myself!

P.S. April Meservy sang it!

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Yesterday, I had the chance to watch the First Presidency's Christmas Devotional online. No, I didn't get to watch it all at once, and no, I did miss some of what President Eyring was saying (I chose to watch it while kids were awake), but! I still had the chance to enjoy it. [And I'm loving the new videos they made!]

President Uchtdorf told a story about how when he was 4 years old, he accidentally started the curtains on fire, the night of Christmas Eve, with a candle from the Christmas tree. He pointed out that in his 4 year old mind, he figured he had ruined Christmas, but thanks to his parents' quick reaction and calm demeanor, he realized, the next day, that Christmas still came. He hadn't ruined anything.

Our four year old, had an interesting brush with fire on Saturday evening. No, nothing caught on fire (thank goodness), but one of our living room couch pillows got "cooked" rather well when he accidentally threw it against the glass door of our gas fireplace. The pillow is black and charred; the glass has a nice film of burned fabric attached to it (even after Brandon's awesome scraping to get most of it off). Apparently, after investigating, I learned he had thrown it against it and left it there, realized what was happening, took it off and then embarrassed, he set it down on the carpet upside down JUST as I looked over at him. I knew he was hiding something under the pillow by the look on his face (I actually thought there might have been a spider underneath it or something) and told him to hand me the pillow. When he picked it up and showed me the black, scorched, torn fabric on the other side, two things ran through my mind in a millisecond:

1. How in the world did that not catch on fire or the carpet and how lucky are we?!

2. Meh.

I was surprised at my second reaction because usually I would panic over something like that --even the potential of something that could happen. But instead, I just asked him to bring me the pillow, asked what happened and told him not to worry about it --I knew it was an accident (although part of me truly believes he had done it on purpose. Exploring. Seeing what would happen, you know? In fact 98% of me thinks this is REALLY how it went down) and it wasn't that big of a deal. It's just a pillow.

After watching the Christmas Devotional and Pres. Uchtdorf's talk, I'm even more grateful I was calm. My son learned not to lie or hide things from me, I learned to react calmly, and we both learned that in the end, things were not as important than people (something I'm constantly trying to instill in their brains). Needless to say, 4 year old Dieter didn't ruin Christmas, and neither has my 4 year old.

P.S. Just for kicks, I asked #4 if he had held the pillow against the fireplace on purpose. He spilled his guts without any provocation. That's exactly how it went down! Little stinker. :)

The Talk I Didn't Give

2011-12-04T15:40:00.011-07:00

Well, Stake Conference is over. It was uplifting, humorous, wonderful, and even fantastic! Last night at the Adult Session, Bishop Edgley (our visiting General Authority) even held a question and answer session at the end of his talk. The choir that sang was out of this world! We got our kids ready and we arrived a little earlier this morning so we could get a bench seat (I'm so uncomfortable sitting anywhere now, and the thought of sitting in the gym on hard chairs?? No, thank you!) and one of the only spots left was the front row. The front row! Brandon about died when I made us all sit there. But it turned out to be even better than I had hoped. The kids were so well-behaved and it was nice to be so close to the speakers and the choir. Truly wonderful!

[Side note rant here: If you train your children, from infancy/toddlerhood, that meetings like Sacrament Meeting are important, a place for reverence and a lot more fun than being in the hallway, I guarantee you that they will be good for you. No, we don't bring food past 18 months old to Church. No, they do not play electronics. Yes, after the Sacrament is passed, they can color, draw, or show board books and small quiet toys to #5. If they act up, Brandon takes them out and holds them in the corner until they decide that sitting on the bench and coloring is more fun. Yes, sometimes our kids are tired and have meltdowns. Yes, sometimes it's hard to deal with kids. I get it. But the consistent practice of providing consistent consequences and expectations creates miracles. Like this Stake Conference!]

Needless to say (because I've already said it), Stake Conference was nice. No, we weren't asked to talk. :) I was surprised at how few people were asked. Only two were asked last night at the adult session, and only two (or three??) were asked at today's session. That surprised me. But it was cool to see how prepared everyone in the Stake was for the possibility!

I finished my talk, though. I was shocked at how badly I wanted to share it! *shrug. But it's okay that I didn't get that chance, because maybe one day I'll need to speak on the subject I wrote about in our ward. Whoo-hoo! Already prepared talk!

Anyway, since only about a handful of people in my ward read this blog, I figured I could share it here and still give it another time. Why not, eh? It's long (not nauseously long, I hope), but it goes at a pretty good clip. I had to write it down word for word (like an essay or how I would speak it) because I just can't wing it off bullet points.

If you take the time to read it, enjoy! If not, I understand!

POSSIBLE TALK FOR STAKE CONFERENCE DECEMBER 2011

In 2 Nephi 28:30 we read:
"For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have."

Doctrine and Covenants 64:33 says:
"Wherefore, be not weary in well doing, for ye are laying a foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great."

One more: from The Proclamation on the Family --
"The Family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bounds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity."

What do these scriptures have in common? For me, they represent a constant and diligent effort to remember the eternal nature of my roles as a Wife and a Mother. I want to speak about each role, how they have influenced my life, and what I've learned thus far. In doing this, I want to be upfront and very clear that I am not judging anyone else's situation in life. I know that we are all at the crossroads of different times in our lives and many of us are facing situations we have not personally desired or even brought upon ourselves. I understand how easily some can become victims of another's agency. The doctrine, however, doesn't change, despite challenging situations. So, what I will be speaking about are my own experiences and how they apply to the scriptures and doctrine I just mentioned. I am not a scholar, nor do I claim perfect knowledge, so if you could please forgive my weakness, I would appreciate it.

First, I'd like to talk about my role as a wife.

*My 8 year old daughter asked me recently if I loved her father more than her. I answered her this (although my answer to her was not nearly as long or as complicated). I said: "It's not that simple, sweetie. When a child is born, the love a parent has for that child is instantaneous and eternal. There is no other love quite like it. You don't really choose it --it chooses you. See, you don't get to choose who your parents are, who your children are, your brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, etc. But marriage? It's a choice. You make the choice to be with your husband or wife --it is a bold choice, too, because for the rest of your life, you will have to make that choice over and over again. This is why the relationship between your dad and I is the most important. Our marriage created our family. Our marriage is eternal. One day, you kiddos will grow up, leave the house and hopefully find marriages of your own. Who do you think I'll be left with, living my life with? Who will I be spending eternity with? You better believe that one day in the Celestial Kingdom, I'm going to be having bazillions of spirit babies with your dad --you kids will be doing your own thing and hopefully having spirit babies with your eternal companions as well. So, I'll put it this way: It's not that I love him more. It's that our love is more vital. It's more important. That's why I choose him over you so often. Not because I don't love you, but because he is my choice. And in a way, it's also showing you and your brothers and sister love, too --our marriage is just as important for you guys as it is for us."

She seemed satisfied with my answer. As did I.

My husband and I, from the beginning of our courtship and throughout our marriage have made a concerted effort to make it work. Personally, I believe it stems from his own parents' divorce and my majoring in Marriage, Family, and Human Development at BYU. But whatever the case, we have tried to face our challenges head on --something not easy for two very stubborn and head strong people. But from premarital counseling while we were engaged, to the date nights, doing sealings in the Temple, several trips away alone, and daily communication, I believe we're doing pretty good. It has definitely been an example of learning "here a little, and there a little."

Recently, we attended a marriage workshop at Aspen Grove Family Camp and the speaker was Dr. Douglas Brinely. It was a fascinating weekend and I took away from it several truths about marriage that have inspired me to work harder at being the kind of companion my husband deserves. Here are just a few truths we learned and re-learned:

1. We have Heavenly Parents. They are married. They have had spirit children (us).
2. Until we received our bodies, we could not marry or conceive children. Now we can. This is the first time ANY of us have been married.
3. If we are sealed and rock it here in mortality (meaning, we keep our covenants and love each other and forgive each other and apologize and communicate and endure our trials together, etc. and so forth), our marriage will endure forever, and like our Heavenly Parents, we will be able to have all those billions of spirit kids. But we can't make it without our spouse. We need each other.
4. We need to view our spouses in that light --as our eternal companion. As our co-parent. Our co-creator.
5. Perspective and "doctrine understood" will change hearts, and thereby marriages, and thereby, lives.

I'm grateful to my eternal companion for choosing me when I chose him, for being worthy to go to the Temple with me, and for being a wonderful companion. He has made my life incredible. Even with all of our ups and downs --I wouldn't trade him for anything.

Moving on to my other role: Motherhood.

To set the scene for you, I probably should mention that I have been very fortunate to be a stay at home mom. I know this is not the choice that many can or will make (my mother has worked as a school teacher for 34 years, and she was amazing as a mom), but I wanted to point it out so you would know where I'm coming from.

The world doesn't make it easy. On every side there are voices telling women --especially mothers --how to be, what to think, how to change, where to go, what to strive for --and rarely, of those voices are found in society, do they help. They are merely distractions from the calling of motherhood. Elder Neil L. Andersen said in the most recent General Conference:

"Many voices in the world today marginalize the importance of having children or suggest delaying or limiting children in a family..."
He also said, "Having young children is not easy. Many days are just difficult."

When we had four children while living in northern California, I was met with the question "Are they all yours? You must be soooo busy! You are so brave!" constantly. In fact, it was literally every time we went out in public. And all I could think in my mind was, "I ONLY have four! Four. That's not that many!" But to our society, it has become many.

Elder Andersen also said: "It was not in the Garden of Eden that Adam and Eve bore their first child...It was not in their Jerusalem home, with gold, silver, and precious things, that Lehi and Sariah, acting in faith, bore their sons Jacob and Joseph...In the most beloved story of a baby's birth, there was no decorated nursery or designer crib --only a manger for the Savior of the world."

Like Elder Andersen said, having young children is not easy. Especially when life's difficulties come. It's also not always easy to start having children when faced with student loans, small apartments, sometimes-working cars, and having to take trips to the laundromat (that list was our situation when we had our first child). But trials always come. No matter when children come. Or how they come. For one couple, children may not come biologically, but through adoption. For another, it could be years of intensive and intrusive IVF procedures. And for those who can bear children biologically, just choosing to have another child could be the trial. Because life is hard and we are mortal, right? It doesn't matter if our situations aren't the same --we all suffer and feel pain.

Two years ago, I found myself in the midst of a pretty big difficulty. My husband was 5 months into his Executive MBA program in which he traveled to San Francisco every other weekend. He was also working full time in a great job that unfortunately took him away internationally frequently. He also fulfilled two callings in our ward. We had just had our fifth child and I was teaching piano lessons after school. I was an editor for a purely voluntary website that was used as a missionary tool for the Church, and I was an online marketing strategist and writer for a local company. On top of this, I also had two callings. Add in the demands of 5 children under 9 years old, the laundry, the bathrooms, the house, the meals, the absolute support I needed to give to my husband and the fact that I have suffered from Depression for nearly a decade and you can probably already guess the result = I was drowning. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I prayed daily for help. I asked Heavenly Father constantly to buoy me up and keep me strong.

I was so surprised when I finally stopped long enough to pay attention to the quiet answer Heavenly Father was trying to give me. The answer was that I needed to stop being what I thought I was supposed to be. Yes, I needed to fulfill my duties as an LDS woman, but I wasn't even doing that --I couldn't, because I had filled up my life, and that time of my life, with so many outside things that weren't helping me or my family.

So I stopped. I quit. I stopped teaching piano lessons. I stopped editing and I quit my job. I spoke candidly with the Bishop at length, and after much prayer, I was released from one of my callings. I asked my husband for a blessing during that time. I eventually hired a housecleaner to come twice a month to help me. And I did the things I knew I was SUPPOSED to do at that time in my life: I was a mother. I was a wife. That was it. I limited my time to my most important and vital roles. Initially, it was a very hard thing to do --I felt I was stripping away my individual identity. But when the dust settled, I realized I had actually found it.

And, as we all learn, life is about times and seasons. So it makes sense that since then, life has calmed down a lot. I do have two callings again (which I greatly enjoy), my husband has graduated, he doesn't travel for his job nearly as much as before, he only has one calling, and my Depression is under control. But! I still maintain that doing less has given our family more. My children have my attention after school. I have more room for prayer and scripture study; music and laughter; baking cookies with my daughter and reading books to my toddler. I have moments of quiet and peace --even now, as we are frantically getting the rooms in our home moved around and ready for our sixth child who is due to come in a few months. I find this peace amid the mundane and grueling moments of frustration; during external trials, during internal struggles. I feel comfort even when I find myself exhausted because of my pregnancy. I have learned that I am, indeed, "laying the foundation of a great work." I may not be receiving compliments or money or awards for my writing, musical skills, or volunteer work --I may not be the focus of social validation or in the news. But --I know I'm doing God's work. And when I see the happiness in my children's faces when I turn off the computer to talk to them; when my toddler kisses my face; when I hold my husband's hand; when I feel this baby moving around inside of me --I know that no amount of worldly accolade could ever make up for or replace this type of joy. Because this is joy that comes from the Holy Ghost, from God, from eternal truth.

A good friend of mine wrote a profound blog entry on womanhood, the Gospel, and positive feminism not too long ago. (For your pleasure, dear reader, it was Steph at Diapers and Divinity!) In it, she said the following:

"Let’s start with an anecdote, shall we? Approximately one hour ago, my daughter woke me up to tell me she peed in her bed. Her sheets were wet, her clothes were wet, and she was cold. I helped her change out of her clothes, washed her body with a warm washcloth, stripped the sheets, started the laundry, and tucked her into a new bed. She asked me to wrap her in the blankets “like a burrito,” and I did. I kissed her on the head, she snuggled down into the mattress, smiled, and said “good night.” As I walked out of the room, I turned off all the lights, and in the dark journey back to my bed, I was given some thoughts. (Sometimes thoughts are given, not just thought.) I reflected on recent news stories of children who are abused or neglected. I thought of people in the world who would have yelled at or beaten their daughter for wetting her bed. I imagined how someone who was caught up in the after-effects of drug or alcohol use might have ignored her and left her to fend for herself or spend the night in urine-soaked, cold sheets and clothing. And in the middle of all those heavy thoughts, I felt a keen sense that my Heavenly Father was happy with how I just treated his little child. I knew He noticed it, loved it, honored it. It felt like I did exactly what the Savior would have done if he were here. I knew that my role as a mother, a woman, and a nurturer was important. But even more than important. It felt divine– God-ordained and God-beloved– even in all the apparent simplicity of the moment. Like all truths, this truth about the divine role of women is often buried in the details of daily living, and certainly often drowned out by the voices of a noisy world."

I truly believe that when God gives us these moments of clarification, we need to notice and embrace them, just as my friend did.

My specific solution to stop doing things outside of my family as I did those two years ago may not be everyone's solution or answer, but I do believe that learning about our roles as parents and spouses, sisters and brothers, and as children of God will not only give us strength and perspective, but can make our lives easier. Knowing WHO we are and WHY we've been given these roles helps just as much as knowing WHAT we are expected to do. As President Uchtdorf stated in his talk "Forget Me Not" :

"The "what" and the "how" of obedience mark the way and keep us on the right path. The "why" of obedience sanctifies our actions, transforming the mundane into the majestic. It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration."

It is my testimony that our roles as men and women of God are vitally important in our lives, specifically those pertaining to the family. When we align our hearts with what He has asked us to do, we can be happier and be given more strength to face the challenges that will inevitably come our way. I'm grateful to Heavenly Father for His plan and for His Son, Jesus Christ --for Their love, Their guidance, and for Their trust in us.

I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

I Like Your Singing Except at Christmas

2011-12-02T15:41:00.005-07:00

Have you noticed that some people who make Christmas Albums just shouldn't? Do you feel that way? Not because they are bad or "sound" bad--on the contrary, most Christmas Albums by famous singers sound pretty darn good. I mean, I couldn't sing that well! But for a small percentage, it just doesn't work. Lemme 'splain.

Listening to Sissel sing with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir is heavenly. It's literally like angels. Pure angels. But when I listen to Renee Flemming singing with the MoTab, it sounds like an opera singer singing Christmas music. *shrug

Listening to some of Andrea Bocelli's Christmas music, it sounds, again, heavenly. But Josh Groban's? It's so affected (and I'm saying this as a huge Josh Groban fan, so you know I'm not making this up) and doesn't have the same spirit about it.

Barbra Streisand and Christmas = fun, but not heavenly.
Amy Grant (who, arguably, is not nearly as good as Babs) = both

Why is this? It's about motive and personal testimony, I'm guessing. Also life experience. Personal feelings. Motivation. I'm a huge believer that most musicians can make fantastic and outstanding music, but what separates Christmas music (and other special kinds? maybe?) from the rest is a profound deep, and personal tie to what they are singing about. Especially when they are singing about Jesus Christ and not just snow.

Using my examples above:

Renee Flemming is a world-renowned opera singer and I've been told that she is quite the diva. Sissel, on the other hand, although met with equal success, is not a household name. She's also very humble (again, I've been told. By an insider who has met her). She sings from her heart with pure joy --and it sounds like it.

Andrea has been met with difficult personal tragedies in his life (losing his sight, losing his father, etc.) and I believe that can illicit amazing faith. Josh is young and fairly privileged --not to say he doesn't understand or sympathize or empathize with pain --and he's not super religious.

Barbra isn't Christian. Interesting that she made a Christmas album. Hmmm.
Amy Grant is a Christian. When she sings about Christ, you can feel her testimony.

Does that make sense? And just saying --Bryn Terfel is one of the most fantastic bass-baritones I've ever heard, but he definitely sings his Christmas music as if it's from his soul, too; it doesn't feel affected or too showy.

Anyway, what do you think? And I am talking about Christmas music. I mean, when Babs sings anything else, I love it. Same with Josh. Even Renee!

Stuff in My Mind on This Fine Tuesday Evening

2011-11-29T21:33:00.005-07:00

#5 said "FEET!" tonight. The word. With ALL the consonant sounds! He also tried to say his prayers --meaning, he repeated some of the words I said. Usually, he just listens and pretends he's repeating them, but tonight, he said words!

And I love how something that seemingly simple would bring me such outstanding joy.

Life is busy around these parts. I guess that's normal, but I still find it funny how quickly we can fill up all of our 'free" time. Last night, Brandon and I took off for an overnighter up at Park City. We had a free stay at the St. Regis that expired by the end of the year, and we could only book a night M-TH and we needed to do it before ski season hit. Sooooo....we went last night! It was fantastic. Our neighbor watched our kids (he's leaving for a mission in a few weeks --so crazy!) and it was great because they still had school and such (I wasn't going to farm them out just for this). Brandon and I had dinner at a French restaurant, slept in (well, I did. He got up early to work, the mad man!), and had a nice long breakfast at the hotel. It was a short trip, but soooo nice. I even got a nice long bath (which, interestingly enough, now has me even more excited for a water birth!). When I came home, I was in a much better mood than I was yesterday morning. In fact, the evening went rather well! The *antics were the same, but I was calmer.

*Antics: #5 taking off his clothes AND diaper; #3 freaking out over homework; #2 being distracted and not practicing her piano: #4 whining about "dying of hunger"; all of them running around like crazy people; making dinner in the midst of it all --you know, the usual.

Our busy-ness continues, too. There's still a couple of rooms to paint and recarpet, tons of furniture to move around, baby clothes to find and wash (I'll probably do that next month, though), Christmas gifts to finish buying, pictures to organize, the ONLINE family newsletter to write (I usually mail it out...so sad I won't be doing it this year... *sniff), Ward Choir songs to practice, and this weekend is Stake Conference. One would think that would be an easy weekend for us, eh? But Brandon is playing the organ for the Priesthood session, and our visiting GA (General Authority) is asking that every single adult in the stake prepare a 10 minute talk (and youth in the stake prepare a 5 minute talk) and they are literally calling people up to speak on the fly. On the fly! It has something to do with President Monson's talk about how he announced a man was going to speak in the Temple --a man who wasn't even in the Temple! --who than showed up and spoke. Both were told by the Holy Ghost to do what they did. And it worked! Our Stake has been asked to do the same. Which I find very interesting. I'm not opposed to it --in fact, I've been praying all week about what I should prepare for the Adult Session and the General Session --just in case, you know? What I find ironic is that we will be having it broadcast from our Stake Center to the other building in our Stake. So, what if you're sitting over in the Brown Church and your name is called?? Man, you'd have to hightail it outta there and to the Stake Center so you could speak! Ha! That will be hilarious if that happens. Anyway. It's kind of cool. But you better believe I'm preparing something! I know if I do, I won't be called up. But if I don't? Yeah. You see how it is.

A friend and I recently mended a bridge I thought was burning --and I was relieved and nearly cried with joy when I realized it was only my assumption. I blame hormones. I can do that for at least three more months!

Brandon is just as busy as he's always been. Well, he's not traveling as much, but he still works hard. I love it and hate it all at the same time. I don't like to see him pushing himself too hard, nor do I like his absence (he's gone three evenings this week), but I do love how hard he works. He has ambition in spades --and he wants to do a great job at what he does. He's not one to do things half-way. Unfortunately, that means he can burn himself out. On the other hand, he's reliable. On the other, if it's not in his phone, he forgets. On the left foot, though, he's a magnificent multitasker and very fluent in "business speak." On the other foot, he tends to nap whenever he can. ANYWAY, my point is that he works really hard. And I'm proud of him for it. Because even when he's busy, he's still here for scriptures, prayers, family dinner (most nights), putting the kids to bed, church, date nights, and family activities. He's great at knowing which relationships are the most important. And I love him for that.

Speaking of relationships, I was thinking I could talk about marriage at Stake Conference. I went to bed the other night with the entire talk playing out in my mind. When I woke up, I was excited! I knew what to write up! And then I tried to write it. Three times. Either it was pregnant brain or stupors of thought. Sigh.

Happy Tuesday night, dear reader. It's supposed to snow tomorrow, and I love the first REAL snowfall of the season, so don't be surprised if I gush about it. Don't worry, though --my gushing won't last.

Holiday Exchange

2011-11-28T09:58:00.004-07:00

Thanksgiving was fantastic! Great food, great company. Lots of sleeping, eating, game playing, chatting, and laughing. Oh, sure, there was also frustrating moments --but how could there not be with 9 children under the age of 11? But the kids had a great time (despite the meltdowns, fights, and ouchies).

My favorite parts:
*My dad's homemade pecan pie
*Brandon's cousin coming to visit
*Staying up way too late to talk
*Napping

Weird parts:
*Being asked to accompany a soloist for a funeral of a person I didn't know. Turned out great, glad I could help!
*While going on a walk with my mom, SIL, and daughter, I had to stop and ask a sister in my parents' ward if I could use her bathroom. I guess it's not weird because I AM pregnant, but it was still funny. Luckily, she was home and more than happy to oblige! I was grateful since we were walking along Rose Rd to the river, and there really aren't that many houses along that route (country livin'!).

Worst parts:
*Not having enough time to talk as adults because the kids are so young and needy.
*Leaving too soon.

How was your Thanksgiving?
-------------------------------

And now Christmas is up! We spent our Sunday afternoon decorating our house (i.e. front room and kitchen). Here are some photos of most of the decorations (we're pretty simple). My favorite is the Olive Wood Creche Brandon brought back for me from his trip to Israel last year. I also love the Nativity set Brandon's mom gave me last year for Christmas (the one they had in their home while Brandon was growing up --it's the white one under the HOPE sign). Plus all my other ones! Can you tell I like Nativity sets? Someday I'll have more. My wish is to have a Willow Tree set someday.

Now I just need to convince Brandon to get the lights up on the outside of the house!

My favorite parts of putting up Christmas:
*The kids are old enough to help without breaking things!
*Carpenter's Christmas Portrait. Best. Christmas. Music. EVER.
*Quiet evenings, with the fire on, the lights twinkling, the Christmas music playing softly in the background.

Do you have Christmas decorations up, yet? Fake tree or real tree? What's your favorite decoration? Are you as giddy about setting it all up as I am?

Rare Quiet Tuesday Evening

2011-11-22T19:03:00.008-07:00

I only have two large bags of girl's clothes left. When I was pregnant with my third boy, I kind of gave up hope that another girl was coming. But since we weren't finished, I kept some. Two large bags instead of five. Tonight, I went through them both and whittled it down to one bag. The other is going to D.I. The one bag I'm keeping? Well, I'm not. I'm giving it to my sister-in-law for her baby girl.

It felt bittersweet going through those tiny dresses, jackets, shirts. I remember, very specifically, about 95% of those clothes. Each dress I unfolded reminded me of #1 or #2 as a baby, a toddler, a preschooler. As I gently folded each one again, I was reminded that I wasn't going to have another girl in this life. I know I keep saying that Brandon and I aren't sure whether or not we are finished having children, but the more I say "we're done," the better I feel. I'll reserve that conclusion for 10 years from now when it's obvious we're finished, especially since this pregnancy has me convinced I'll never do it again (see my ranting post from yesterday --no, not the birthday one!). I need to wait until I'm on the other side before really deciding. But still...this feels right. And it feels good to be giving away something I no longer need. Will I feel the same way when the high chair goes? The crib? The strollers?

Have you had bittersweet feelings while giving baby things away?

It's interesting, this crossroads I've come to. I was explaining to my buddy today that I feel in between --I'm still having babies, but my kids are growing up. I don't hang out with moms of teenagers, but I don't hang out with moms of toddlers (even though I have one). I don't want to do co-op preschools anymore --I'm too busy with my older kids. But I'm not ready to move onto big-teenage things --I have babies! I feel in limbo, a bit I guess. I imagine it will get weirder in just a few years.

As I was also complaining to my buddy on the phone (she's a good soul, to listen to me complain. We help each other that way!) that I'm struggling so hard to see the end of my situation, I told her that I know in six months, when the house is all reorganized, the baby is here, and I've mended fences with people I've offended, I probably won't remember how bad it was/is. She agreed. Hindsight is always nice --we always get through things. Eventually. You know, "this, too, shall pass" --like a kidney stone, sometimes, but it still passes! (I texted that to Al today and she thought I was hilarious! I think. Pretty sure.)

Haha! Anyway. You know what I mean.

Irony: One challenge I'm facing right now should be really hard --but it's not. I'm not even worrying about it because I've faced it before (in fact, Brandon and I have faced this particular challenge at least 4 other times in our marriage) and I know it will be okay. Life has taught me that as long as we do what the Lord has asked us to do, He will bless us. Will it be in the way we want? Probably not (life has taught me that, too). But we'll still be okay. That gives me hope. And peace. And allows me to deal with all of the other problems I'm facing that are new to me.

Side note: The baby is now kicking me in the ribs. I don't mind it now, but ask me again in 13 weeks. ;)

Have a very Happy Thanksgiving, dear reader!

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them. ~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Thirty Five Years of Awesomeness

2011-11-21T14:21:00.001-07:00

Brandon turned 35 yesterday! In honor of him, here are 35 reasons why I love him:

1. He introduced me to Thai food. And Indian food. And really awesome Mexican food. And calamari! (He and his companion used to catch squid on their mission and make their own calamari. Cool, eh??)

2. Brandon has the best smile lines next to his eyes.

3. His taste in movies and music.

4. How he looks in a suit and tie. I'm blushing just thinking about it!

5. How much fun he is with our kids.

6. He loves me. And forgives me. All the time.

7. I love how he gets obsessed with things and then moves onto others when he's learned the new thing "well enough."

8. His testimony of the Gospel.

9. His elevated palate for really good food.

10. He loves to travel as much as I do!

11. His blue eyes.

12. His love of animals.

13. How he can do most things well, even if he only does them once every few years (i.e. scuba diving, skiing, laundry -haha!).

14. His amazing genius mind (he's seriously the smartest guy I know).

15. His willingness to always serve others (helping move, service projects, anything his calling or the Church asks/requires).

16. I love how he's allowed himself to improve and change, even when it's been hard for him (mostly character traits).

17. I love his big hands (his wedding ring size: 13!)

18. His love of hiking/camping. Even with slow people like me.

19. I love how he's accepted my family as his own and loves his family fiercely (almost protectively).

20. His gentleness with our new babies, but his rowdiness with our older kids.

21. I love him for loving our date nights and always planning them.

22. His quirky love for Peanut Butter m&m's, diet coke (although we don't buy any for the house), BYU football, Republican candidates, nachos, homemade Thai food, chips/salsa, hoodies, and constantly being connected to "the Internets."

23. How much we have in common.

24. His laughter!

25. His kindness in overlooking a lot of my "failures" as a homemaker and wife. And I really don't believe it's because he's just "dealing with it" --I think it's because he understands and he truly loves me.

26. How he loves to hold my hand.

27. I love him for always trying to improve himself --whether academically, spiritually, or physically (this year he graduated from Wharton with his Exec. MBA, went on a Pioneer Trek with the youth, and did his first triathlon).

28. His laid back personality --it takes a lot to get him riled up!

29. I love how he eats whatever I cook for our dinner, even if it's awful, awful, awful. :)

30. He only cries when he's really overcome, and I can count on my hand how many times it's been. But each time, I've loved him more for it (ones I can share: when we married, when our first child was born).

31. His willingness to participate --and mostly lead! --family scriptures, family prayer, and FHE.

32. How he loves our children and spends time with them; how he takes them with him when he performs service (raking leaves, setting up chairs every Sunday morning, etc.).

33. His awesome musical skills (the first thing I loved about him!). He's an accomplished pianist, sings, plays the guitar, and harmonica.

34. His beautiful face.

35. "If you press me to say why I loved him, I can say no more than because he was he, and I was I." ~Michel de Montaigne

Happy 35th Birthday, Brandon! I love you with all of my heart.

{Photos below are just some random ones from my phone}

Why, Yes! I Do Look Awful! Thank You For Noticing!

2011-11-21T13:51:00.003-07:00

I'm having a really rough Monday today. I know it's because of exhaustion --honestly that's the only reason. Well, sort of. It was a tough weekend physically for me. I didn't get much sleep, and Brandon and I had several responsibilities outside of our family that had to be attended to. We are also on a deadline to get the house re-organized and moved around (before this kid comes), and my gorgeous husband celebrated his 35th birthday yesterday. [Happy Birthday, Brandon!]

I crashed this morning after the older kids left for school. I still have so many things to do before we leave for my parents house on Wednesday, and when I finally awoke from my half-sleep on the couch at 11:15AM (yes, I know, that's sad, considering I still have two little boys to watch and my older kids leave at 8:15AM, and yes, they've been watching PBS for 7 straight hours) I commenced to bawl my eyes out for 2 hours while I cleaned up and got the laundry gathered. Continually. Bawling.

Reasons for bawling my eyes out:
1. Pure physical exhaustion
2. My asthma is getting worse rather than better --this pregnancy is killing me
3. My children will never learn how to clean up after themselves. Never.
4. I worked so hard all weekend long only to be met with equally challenging household chores this morning.
5. My personal relationships are falling apart left and right. And front and back.
6. Yesterday, a couple came into my Sunday school class after Sacrament Mtng (before the class started) and when they saw me prepping for the lesson, they got up, walked out, and went to the other teacher's class. I know it's probably just because they wanted the other teacher (my nexty, Liz, comes only to my class, so I get it), but still. Kinda stung.
7. I'm the only one in the family who cares about the condition of the house. It feels. Wait --scratch that --that kids WANT a clean house, but don't want to CLEAN it.
8. This pregnancy wasn't supposed to be this hard!
9. I don't know how I can possibly accomplish the bare minimum of what I'm supposed to do, let alone everything my family --and I --expect me to do.
10. Our car has to be serviced before we can leave Wednesday. We have a leak in a tire somewhere.
11. Everyone keeps asking me how close I am to delivering and if I'm "sure it isn't twins?" No, okay?! I have THREE MONTHS LEFT. Yes, I'm fat. Yes, I'm big. Yes, I have big babies. Do I look tired!? Of COURSE I look tired --I'm EXHAUSTED! And these bags under my eyes?! They are PERMANENT. Okay?! So unless you are willing to come do my laundry or take my boys so I can nap for more than 10 minutes uninterrupted, please just LEAVE ME ALONE.

And that's just a taste, dear reader.

I don't mean to complain. I mean, honestly, I know, I know, I know! I'm blessed beyond reason to have a husband and children --and not just to have them, but to have a husband who adores me and children who are awesome! I know this. But it doesn't change the fact that I have bad days, I'm physically checked-out, and I'm a paranoid mess that having six children will kill my sanity, my body, and my resolve. I try not to complain about it much (especially on FB) because I know I'm blessed. I'm lucky. I'm just so happy-pappy! But...well, whatever. If I have to explain again that I'm MORTAL, than I guess it's not worth it.

Sigh.

Dishes are done. Laundry is started. I just have sweeping, vacuuming, furniture moving, laundry folding, dinner planning, homework/piano practice supervising, and FHE planning to do. In the next four hours. But first, I'm going to publish another post about my wonderful husband. Because he deserves happy thoughts from his brown-eyed girl. So, that's next.

Over and out.

What Day is Today? Thursday? It Feels Like Tuesday.

2011-11-17T09:28:00.004-07:00

Is a really forgetful pregnant brain a sign that one could eventually have early (or late, I guess) on-set Alzheimer's or Dementia? Because I'm fearful it could happen! I forget the simplest things --I forget what I've said or written to people, I forget why I walked into a room, I forget plans, I forget deadlines. I usually have to be reminded about the simplest appointment (I've been reminded about #3's parent-teacher conference thing this afternoon a million times, but right now? I have no idea what time it starts!).

I asked Brandon: "Have I gotten worse? I don't think I've ever been this forgetful while pregnant."

His answer: "You've always been this bad while pregnant. You just don't remember."

Ha, ha.

It definitely gives me compassion for those people who forget things easily (or those with Dementia or Alzheimer's), though. I understand better that it's not their fault --and the frustration the forgetful person feels has gotta be awful.

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I visited with my girls' teachers during their parent-teacher conference thing (it's called SEP's) and I heard a few things: My girls are very, very advanced, work really hard in class, are leaders, and their teachers love them. That didn't surprise me, though. The part I appreciated the most, however, was that their teachers are going out of their ways to make sure my girls don't get bored -- and that they thrive. For example, #1 has a goal now to come up with 50 journal prompts for her whole class. #2 has joined the top-tier reading book club. #1 has been asked by her math teacher to join a district math olympiad, has to finish writing her chapter book, is reading 24 books before April (which is a contest the 6th graders do --she's in 5th, but she wants to "practice" for next year), and is part of the CAS (center for accelerated studies) district science days. #2 has a goal to read nearly 50 books within the next month or so, was tested by CAS (and it's believed she passed, according to her teacher), and so we'll have another decision to make next year (like what we had with #1): Send her to CAS? Or keep her where she is?

I'm grateful they are doing so well! I'm grateful their teachers recognize it and challenge them.

Which brings me to #3. He's not quite on the same level; we're happy when he lands in the average category. But it doesn't matter to us. We want the best for him with the talents and abilities HE has --we don't compare him to his older sisters. We also try really hard not to praise the girls too high for their advancements in front of him; not necessarily because we don't want him to aspire for more, but because we try to place an emphasis on:
1. Doing our best (homework and practicing are non-negotiable), whether or not it means 100%
2. Being kind to people (behaving in school; being polite; serving others)
3. Honesty

Of course, we want our boys to thrive and learn and be the best they can, too --it's just that our love isn't contingent upon advancement. If anything, I have to remember to give my girls the same attention homework-wise as I do #3 --I tend to adopt the other extreme and have to remind myself to actually praise the girls for rocking it!

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Other randomness in my life:

*Brandon's in New Orleans right now on business. I'm jealous. And I miss him.

*We're going to be in B-town for Thanksgiving (not sure how long right now --at least Wed through Sat, though). We weren't going to travel for holidays this year because of finances, but when we realized how cheap it is to go to my parent's house, we decided it was worth it!

*My kids are obsessed with all the old Power Ranger shows (thank you, Netflix?). Sigh... the campy acting drives me crazy! But at least it teaches good morals. And the fighting is very "fisticuffs."

*I'm glad it hasn't snowed, yet.

*Newsies is going to be on Broadway!

Gettin' My Craft On With Crafty Wood Cutouts!

2011-11-16T10:01:00.007-07:00

Last week I was contacted by a company wondering if I would be interested in helping them out.

Now, before I get going, I need to tell you, dear reader, that I'm often contacted by different companies. Chalk it up to being a mommy blogger --I think a lot of us (some of us? a few of us? I don't know) are contacted by businesses who need to reach their demographic, namely, those people who read mommy blogs. Even LDS mommy blogs, if you will. Anyway, I usually turn them down. Or if I agree to help, it's because I like their product or what they are doing. And rarely, rarely, rarely will I allow myself to be compensated monetarily. My blog is for personal use; it's not a business. All those buttons on my sidebar? Over there? Not one of them is paying me. A few have given me incentives and a few I have used as a business --but I paid them for their services.

This company is no different. However! I did take them up on one incentive --I got to use their product for free in exchange for this soon-to-be awesome blog post.

Why all the intro? I'm an honest person. I don't like to wax poetic about a product unless I like it.

This, dear reader, I liked!

The company is new --they just opened almost 2 weeks ago in Orem, UT. It's called Crafty Wood Cutouts and I had the privilege of visiting their store.
What I loved about their humble place:

1. Awesome front sign (it's just their logo from their website, but I love the logo and design!).
2. The smell of wood! Fresh cut wood! They cut it there in the back and then sell the products out front.
3. Each product has a finished design on display above it to give the customer a great example of what they could do with their blank "canvas."
4. There is a children's area where you can take your kids, buy a product, and work on it in the store!
5. This is a crafty project I CAN DO!!

I'm not a crafty person, dear reader. I tend to fail spectacularly on my crafts, but I was thrilled to find something that not only interested me (I buy these types of wood products all the time), but it's something I can do! So, I took one home. And I did it!

I chose this one:

But when you buy it, it's just plain wood. Which makes sense. You know.

Now, BEHOLD! My finished product!

Yes, I know. I totally got the "O" backwards. But you're talking to a non-crafty person, eh? But guess what? Who cares!? It still looks good! And if you turn the "O" around, it looks like this:

Not bad, eh? I also have enough paper left over that I could re-cover and paint if I needed to. But I probably won't. Because I think it looks just dandy the first way. Or, I might take the vinyl lettering and put it on the front of the red paint. Or I might...well, whatever. It still works, no matter what!

How to do make your awesome Crafty Wood Cutout or How I made my awesome Crafty Wood Cutout:

1. Buy the wood product you want. Also, buy paper and paint and glitter and sticker-thingies and ribbon and vinyl lettering (which comes with most of them) and whatever you want for your project. There are a lot of great options!
2. Sand it (if you want. I'm lazy, so I didn't. Besides, I like a rugged, unfinished look. Yeah. That's it).
3. Decide if you'll paint it all or paint and paper or paper only, etc. and then paint first (I painted and papered).
4. Trace and cut-out paper.
5. Mod podge the paper onto the wood and mod podge over it to give it that awesome look (or use wood glue first and mod podge over the paper).
6. Remember to put the vinyl lettering on before you mod podge the front (unlike me. However, it still stuck!)
7. Realize that you should have checked the vinyl lettering color against the paper color first to make sure you can see the vinyl lettering once it's on.

8. Shout for joy when you realize you can just color the vinyl lettering with a black sharpie pen (I TOLD YOU! I'm NOT crafty!).

9. Behold your awesome finished craft!

And you know what, dear reader? I don't care my project didn't come out perfectly. It's still gorgeous. I can't wait to put it out with my other Christmas decorations next month. And the best part? It took me less than 2 hours to do everything. It was fun and relaxing and gave me JOY. Get it? Joy? Hahahaha...sigh.

But just imagine what YOU could do with these projects, dear reader! I'm guessing this is right up your alley. And if it's not? It might be anyway. Just like it was for me.

You better believe I'll be going back to Crafty Wood Cutouts to get my craft on. I'm so excited to find a craft I can actually do --and enjoy doing! Huzzah!

P.S. Find them on Facebook here.

What kind of crafts do you like to do? Do you craft? Do you dislike/hate crafting? Why or why not?

Gray Area Decisions

2011-11-15T11:38:00.004-07:00

I'm really struggling with a concept right now, and to say it's stressing me out would be beyond obvious. It's about rules. Rules society makes upon each other, rules we create for our families, rules we impose on our neighbors. Lots of "rules."

Now, to be clear from the get-go, I'm not talking about God's Rules (a.k.a. commandments, covenants, etc.). Those are infinite. Non-negotiable. However! Even God's Rules were met with exception (Nephi and Laban is a good example, although it would be prudent and wise to point out that his is the only story I can think of right now --if you have more, by all means, share! I'm forgetful now-a-days).

I'm mostly referring to rules that have no bearing upon Gospel Obedience. The gray area where Bishops and handbooks and Prophets refuse to tread, allowing, instead, for the Holy Ghost to guide each individual and each family to make needed choices. There are plenty of those --and plenty of "right" answers.

Examples of gray (or grey, if you prefer) areas: Where to live, how many children to have, where to work, where to gain an education, when to allow children access to cell phones, make-up, driver's licences, etc., what time to eat meals, when to go to bed, how to divide up chores, where to give birth, how to be buried, when to exercise (or to even exercise), where to purchase food/clothing/furniture, when to do visiting teaching, where to vacation, etc. and so on, and so on, and so forth.

I really don't think God cares about a lot of the ways we go about living our doing-our-best lives. I mean, He does (of course He cares!) but what I mean is that He understands how we are all different, we are all on different paths at different times, and how we all need different trials to learn different lessons and any different given time. He understands that for one woman, the choice to give birth at home makes sense, but for another, it doesn't.

What is stressing me out, however, is when the rules of society/friends collide with the rules of me/my family that are not mentioned in God's Rules. Or if my desire to change the rules collide with my husband's desire not to (or vice versa). This presents a problem because there is no black/white answer, but the answer is very black and white. Did that make sense? Let me illustrate it another way. Let's say that Joe Schmoe has decided that they need to have another baby, but Jane Schmoe has decided they are done having babies. How in the world can one compromise in that situation? (Note: That's not my situation, just fyi). Either you have a baby, or you don't. You can't "compromise" something like that, you know?

I mean, let's say you need to buy a car. Now THAT is a decision that can have compromise. Same with house purchasing. What to name a child (there's always something to agree on). Where to go for Girl's Night Out. Clothes shopping with the pre-teen. These things have compromises embedded --they may be hard to find, but it can happen!

But there are still plenty of gray area decisions (not God's Rules) that are black/white in the answers. Especially when it comes to parental or marital decisions.

Right now I'm struggling with one that shouldn't be a struggle, but it's a black/white outcome. I think that's why I'm struggling. There is no half-way with this one --either we do it, or we don't. Frankly, I don't think the decision either way will result in major catastrophe, but I'm worried I will make the WRONG decision, regardless. Yes, I've made it a matter of prayer. Yes, I've pondered for a long time. I've come to the conclusion, however, that this is simply something Heavenly Father is letting me decide on my own (He does that sometimes). In a way, I don't like it. I appreciate the trust, but I'm not sure if I want it, you know?

Which brings me to another point: Making gray area decisions that people disagree with. This one is a toughie. I've personally been hurt by others who are offended I do not abide by their "rules" and I've hurt others because they do not abide by mine. It cuts both ways. In fact, right now, I'm in the midst of maybe losing one of the greatest friends I've ever had because neither of us know how to approach this subject with the graciousness that it desperately requires.

Another thought: What is more important? Gray area decisions or love?

It seems obvious, doesn't it? Then how come we are all so quick to defend the gray area decisions?

How have you handled gray area decisions with black/white answers? Maintaining friendships and marriages and familial relationships amid the difference of opinion? Has it seemed to have gotten harder or easier as you've gotten older?

Monday, Monday, Today is Monday

2011-11-14T16:40:00.008-07:00

I've been really worried about #5's speech, but luckily I visit teach a speech pathologist. We talked for a bit about signs and problems, and when I went home to "test" #5, I was relieved to note that he's fine. Perfectly normal. Two years old. He has several dozen words he speaks and understands everything we say. I'm feeling better. I've been told by others to put him in speech immediately or get his hearing tested, but we're feeling peace about his progress right now. It's nice.

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I just did a craft I got at Crafty Wood Cutouts in Orem, and I'm pretty pleased with myself! As you know, I'm not a crafty person, but this one actually turned out well. I'll blog more about it tomorrow!

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Did you know it's almost half way through November? How is that possible!? I'm not one to break out the Christmas stuff until after Thanksgiving, but I just remembered that I'm usually pretty good about getting all the gifts, letters, cards, and activities planned before Thanksgiving. Usually. Guess it won't happen this year! Luckily, because of the job change, we're cutting back. The letter/card/photo will be sent online. Gifts will be fewer. Neighborhood gifts are already done! For some reason, I made a bazillion last year and we didn't get them passed out or something --I have a whole bunch already tagged and ready to go in the storage room. Talk about an awesome blessing!

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We've been doing Bountiful Baskets for a few months now and we're loving it! (Did I already talk about this??) It's always a crap shoot --you are never really sure what you'll get, but it's been fun to find recipes and new ways to eat all the fruits and veggies we've been getting (mostly in season!). Do you do BB?

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Me + winter + pregnancy = Dry, dry, dry skin. Not fun.

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What my kids have been up to lately:

#1: She did a class report on the Egyptian goddess Bast and received 100%! She's also recently memorized "Carol of the Bells" on the piano, and is learning how hard it is when friendships change (even when they don't necessarily "end"). She got to participate in the Bell Choir during the Primary Program yesterday and recited the Fourth Article of Faith. She's growing up too fast! She only has one more Primary Program (next fall) and then she's off to Young Women.

#2: She gave a talk during the Primary Program in Sacrament Meeting yesterday on my grandfather (his story of reactivation in the LDS church is amazing) and did awesome! She just finished reading the entire Harry Potter series --again (and now she wants something more. I suggested Eragon. Yes, she's 8 years old). She's having a hard time seeing the other girls in our ward exclude her. We don't think it's on purpose, but it still hurts. She still hates to practice piano, but she's steadily making progress.

#3: His writing and reading have improved so well! His numbers and most letters are no longer backwards; he's more confident in his homework. He is still struggling with things like bed wetting and his 4S, and no, we still haven't had him tested for Autism (well, to see if he's on the Spectrum), but that's because we just keep forgetting. I'm not sure if the forgetting is a sign that we shouldn't test him, or if we're lousy parents. Because he's doing so well in everything right now! Even piano lessons. But some days are harder than others. He's a great kid and he tries really hard; it's just tough for him. Great progress: He said his part in the Primary Program yesterday. Memorized! Out loud! INTO THE MICROPHONE! Huzzah!

#4: He is starting to remember all his letters and numbers and can write his name. He's also learned recently to color in the lines! The worst part about #4's intelligence is his desire to play video games all day. Luckily, I can get him to not whine about getting off the video games when I suggest he draws pictures. He still throws tantrums that embarrass his friends, but I think it's because he's 4 years old and his buddies are almost 6. He participated in his first Primary Program yesterday and looked absolutely bored out of his gourd. Too funny!

#5: I already mentioned his speech at the beginning of the blog. What else... oh! He's still napping. For most people, this is normal, but for one of my kids, it most certainly is not! All of my children have stopped, on their own, cold turkey, with a stubbornness that would surprise a mule, taking naps by the age of 2. #5 still takes a good 1-3 hour nap each day and it's great! I've loved it. #5 also loves to pal around with his oldest sister, #1, and wrestle with his brothers.

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Books I've read/are reading:

The Princess Bride by William Goldman (read it in high school; read it again for book club. Even more awesome the second time!)
Hattie Big Sky by Kirby Larson (also read this before; reading it for book club this month)
To Say Nothing of The Dog by Connie Willis (LOVED IT!)
Fablehaven: Keys to the Demon Prison by Brandon Mull (finally finishing the series)
Jade Dragon Box by Gale Sears (really liked her Silence of God)

What are you reading?

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Recently, I've been learning to sincerely apply and live the following counsel. I can honestly say I feel happier more often because of it!

The lesson here is that if we spend our days waiting for fabulous roses, we could miss the beauty and wonder of the tiny forget-me-nots that are all around us.

This is not to say that we should abandon hope or temper our goals. Never stop striving for the best that is within you. Never stop hoping for all of the righteous desires of your heart. But don't close your eyes and hearts to the simple and elegant beauties of each day's ordinary moments that make up a rich, well-lived life.

The happiest people I know are not those who find their golden ticket; they are those who, while in pursuit of worthy goals, discover and treasure the beauty and sweetness of the everyday moments. They are the ones who, thread by daily thread, weave a tapestry of gratitude and wonder throughout their lives. these are they who are truly happy.

~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Thank You, Veterans!

2011-11-11T07:48:00.012-07:00

Flanders Fields
by Lt. Colonel John McCrae

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

("Sweet Hour of Prayer" by Emily Dyches Pugmire)

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

(My brother, a Battalion Commander in the Army National Guard and veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom, and his awesome wife.)

Mistakes That Haunt Us

2011-11-10T09:47:00.003-07:00

Well, society just gets more and more depressing. I'm talking, of course, about Penn State's now infamous child rape/abuse cover-up. You know, how the former defensive coordinator would rape children on campus in shower rooms, created an at-risk youth group that would actually put these defenseless young boys into his path and grasp, and how the graduate assistant witnessed a rape early on, told Coach Joe Paterno about it, who told his boss, who then didn't do anything except tell Sandusky not to bring children onto campus anymore? That one?

Yeah.

It's sickening.

And then, when it all came to light (years after several boys --at least 15 --were raped and abused), the Board of Trustees did the actual decent, moral, and justifiable thing --they started firing people. Joe Paterno, the famous college football coach (their own LaVell Edwards) was included in the firing.

And students are rioting and protesting and calling "foul" and are devastated that their beloved coach would be fired for something so trivial.

What I can't stop thinking about (after hearing all the details):

*The poor graduate assistant who witnessed the rape and didn't rush in and beat the snot out of Coach Sandusky. Instead, he walked away and told Joe about it. How different could it have turned out if this kid could have had the courage to save that poor boy? The biggest advocate an abuser of this kind has is SECRECY. When the secret is exposed (like being humiliated at being caught in the act, having the police arrest him immediately, being stopped, etc.), it kind of stops abuse, you know? How this graduate assistant must be regretting not intervening, you know?

*Why didn't Joe follow through on the investigation? Why didn't he call the police?

*Those poor victims, already in high-risk situations, thinking they are a part of something awesome, and then having all of their innocence stripped from them in one incident. My heart breaks for them.

It doesn't matter that Joe Paterno didn't actually abuse anybody. It doesn't matter that he's been such a great, outstanding coach and man all these years. He looked the other way, plain and simple, and he allowed this coach --under his responsibility! --get away with the worst of the worst and vilest of vile crimes. Repeatedly. By simply ignoring the possibility of it happening again.

The other week, Brandon and I were talking about forgiveness. He was explaining that (up to a point) to give people a chance to prove they have changed is something worth fighting for. We all make mistakes, right? We all deserve the chance to repent, move on, and be better. This is especially true to people who may have inadvertently hurt us, ex-cons (like my awesome cousin), etc. But I also pointed out to him that there are exceptions. For example, nobody would allow a pedophile to hang out with children alone just to prove that the pedophile has changed for the better, right? I mean, we wouldn't do that to a child. The chances of the child becoming abused or a victim are too high. It's not worth it. No matter the ideal or hope.

So, look. Joe may have made a "simple mistake," but this mistake was HUGE. It very well may have aided in the raping of 14 more boys. He was an accessory by looking the other way. His "mistake" will haunt him forever.

It makes me sick. Sad. Disgusted. That this could happen at a respectable University (for so long) just hurts my heart. And I would be lying if I didn't say that it makes me a little more proud of BYU and how it handles Honor Code violations. Can you imagine if something like this was discovered at BYU? I can pretty much guarantee you would never see a cover-up (I hope!). So, I say Kudos to any University that doesn't allow this kind of disgusting and evil behavior to carry on in their Universities, and I applaud Penn State for bringing justice to those poor victims --no matter how long it took.

I'm Just as Excited for Vent Cleaning as I am for Christmas. Is That Weird?

2011-11-09T10:16:00.004-07:00

Good news:

My sister and her family bought a house in Utah Valley! Huzzah! Now she is 20 minutes closer to me. Which means it's only 15-20 minutes to her house. Instead of 40. If you can't do math. Like me.

KBYU is showing the Anne of Green Gables series every Sunday this month! [You would think I'd already have those movies, right? Well, I don't. It's just shameful.]

We're finally getting all the vents cleaned tomorrow! I think it will help my asthma.

Pregnancy is keeping me warmer as the weather turns colder.

I had a great lunch with a blogging buddy at Kneader's yesterday --so fun, not nearly long enough, and always crazy when the kids are there, too!

I remembered to vote in a city council election. Go me!

Not so good news:

This morning at 4AM, #5 puked all over himself and his bed. And so the stomach bug begins. Luckily for us, only 3 of our children throw up, and Brandon and I have very strong stomachs as well. That means four of us won't be puking. With stomach bugs, this is an awesome family phenomenon I have learned to appreciate. Vastly.

But I don't know yet how long this bug lasts. I'm also not sure how long it will take to cycle through the family. One kid may seem fine, but in a few hours, the bathroom trips begin. It also makes it hard to know what activities to allow and what activities not to allow.

I had planned on cleaning like a madwoman today to prep for the vent-cleaning guys, but since I got almost no sleep last night, and all the puking I'm cleaning up, I'm pretty sure it won't be happening as thoroughly as it should. But I shall try! If I can force my lazy bum to get off the computer long enough...

Random Tuesday. And Two Months.

2011-11-08T17:10:00.008-07:00

I feel baby boy kicking around inside me a lot now. I'm pretty positive he is doing somersaults. As you can see over there on the sidebar, I'm almost 25 weeks along. Unfortunately, I'm feeling about...34 weeks along. Maybe 36. Of course, I say this now, and when I'm actually 34 or 36 weeks, I'll be wishing we were back to 25, so, whatever.

----------------------

#4 to #3: "You're the best brother! Well, sort of. Sometimes you're not, but sometimes you're the best! Right now you're the best."

---------------------

Me: "WHA!? What do I look like!?"
#3: "A mom."
Me: "And what does a mom look like?"
#3: "A beautiful woman."

pause

Me: "Yes, you can play the Wii."

-----------------------

My gorgeous husband will be 35 years old soon. How did that happen? When we met, he was 21, just fresh off the mission, but I swear, he looks the same. No grey hair, same gorgeous eyes, nary a wrinkle --when I look at our wedding photos, I can see a difference, but it's hard to explain. I think it's just love, really. I mean, I do love the man more now than I did 13 years ago, so, of course, it would make sense that he would be amazingly unchanged and gorgeous to me.

There's a man in our ward who will be 97 this next year. 97! He still comes to church every week with his 85 year old wife (second marriage to both) and he often comments in my Sunday School class. He's amazing! They are the cutest couple and the best example of consistent service (his wife is in my book club and she's witty and extremely intelligent and sharp as a whip!). When I look at them, I think about my husband and I. Will we be as happy and healthy and helpful at that age? There are so many things that can happen between now and then (and like I said, this is a second marriage to both --they both were widowed/ered), that it's unlikely we'll both even be alive by that age. But still, it makes me happy to see them, to imagine me growing old with my husband.

It's universal, I think. When we see older couples who have been married for decades and decades, society applauds them, sighs happily, smiles, and compliments the situation. Is this because it's so rare now-a-days? Or because we all long for the same thing ourselves? I'm hoping it's for the last one. I'm hoping for the same thing, anyway.

-------------------------

I think we're meant to be parents so we can be shown how weak, broken, selfish, and arrogant we are --almost humiliatingly so (is "humiliatingly" a word?). I mean, come on! If I wasn't a parent, I wouldn't realize how impatient I am. I also wouldn't realize how incredibly selfish I am, either. It's a blessing, true, but it's also a curse. To the natural man. Ooh, ooh! That's it! It's a blessing to the spirit, but a curse to the "natural man." Anyway, whatever.

This morning, I was shown-- again -- how incredibly weak I am as a parent. Sigh. It never ends, does it? Just when I think I'm rounding the corner and doing better and being such a "great, kind, involved parent" I do something really, really pathetic. Weak. Immature. Mean.

You do, too, though, right? Right??

--------------------------

Serious note.

It's been 2 months since Jared died. I thought about him yesterday as I woke up and wondered what he was doing up in Spirit Awesomeness. Here's a video his friend made of him and his wife (my awesome SIL). The music is actually Jared singing; Tamra is playing the keyboard. Their band, Black Bear, wrote a few albums, and this is from their first one, "Tico."

We miss you, Jared. Feels like a lifetime since you left; feels just like yesterday.

If I Never Wrote Again

2011-11-06T15:28:00.006-07:00

Brandon is sleeping soundly near me and the children are downstairs building forts. I'm listening to soft, peaceful music. My heart wants to write something beautiful, but I can't find the words --they are escaping before they reach my mind...

I miss the fire I used to have just a few short years ago. I was going to be a writer. I've written several stories and even a few novels --but nothing that has been sustainable; life has always seemed to get in the way. The poetry I would write at the drop of a hat eludes me now; I'm not sure where the ability to describe my soul has gone.

Well, I do know. But it's frustrating. Add it to the list of the things I have given up in order to bring my children into the world (you know, my figure, the shape of my ribs, my skin, my sanity, and now, my brain cells).

"Sacrifice brings forth the blessings of heaven. All these things will be for thy learning and thy good. Be patient in thy afflictions. Fight the good fight. That which is sacrificed now will be returned unto you tenfold."

Etcetera.

What is your sacrifice? We all have them. And is it truly a sacrifice? It probably feels like it right now, or else why would you refer to it as a sacrifice? But is it? Really?

I wrote a post (last week?) about having to give up my busy life for simplicity. What I sacrificed for that simplicity was hard to give up. It was, truly, in every sense of the word, a sacrifice. But what is it now? Predictably, it's an overwhelming, peace-sustaining blessing. A relief. This has made me ponder what I would do if everything was taken from me --if I had to truly sacrifice the things in my life that seem impossible to live without. For example, what if I was FORCED to sacrifice everything?

If I could never again write publicly, if nobody ever read another word I wrote, I'm pretty sure I would still write for me. I would find comfort in the flowing art of written language. I would use a pencil. Maybe be bold and use a pen.

If I could never play the piano again; if my hands were damaged or my voice was ruined and I could never sing, I would still find a way to fill my life with music. I would listen. I would see. I would remember. Maybe like Beethoven, I would still create.

If I could never bear children again, if I lost all six of them in a tragic way (similar to this story), if I was left alone by husband and family, I would still know of my covenants. I would see that the sealing power reaches beyond death; I would still be a part of a family. I will always be a wife, mother, sister, daughter. I would be grateful for the mortal time I did have and look forward to the eternal time.

If I lost the use of my body and mind, I would know that my God would be with me. I know that even if I could no longer pray or understand or was trapped in a broken body that could not communicate with Heaven or with Earth, I would not be alone.

If I lost my life, I know what is waiting for me.

Would I be able to follow through on my what-if's IF IT REALLY HAPPENS? I don't know. I know it would be hard. It would be overwhelming. It would be devastating. It would take time and change and prayer and a lot of strength to stand up and do what I just wrote I would do. But I think I could do it. Because I know I would not be completely alone.

And then, one day, I would be grateful for the experiences I was given. Much like the ones I have already been given. The ones I face now. Today. Tomorrow.

So, my questions to you, dear reader --What is sacrifice? What do we give up? And is it really giving up? Or is it trading in for something better? And what is the difference, to you, between forced sacrifice and volunteerable sacrifice? Is there a difference? How?

Going Against The Grain

2011-11-04T15:27:00.007-06:00

Addendum to my mentioning home birth in my post yesterday:

1. I have given birth 4 times without medication or epidurals (I had one with my first; I tried to have one with my second, but it didn't kick in until after she was born. That made me realize I could do it). I also did it unmedicated while on pitocin (all of them). Unmedicated child birth is not new to me. I'm very low risk. I have large babies, but rarely need stitches. My babies are good nursers. I've never had gestational diabetes, severe water retention, or problems throwing up. Everything about me is, quite frankly, normal --when it comes to labor and delivery.

2. My midwife is not a doctor, but she is beyond competent. Not only does she have 10 of her own children, but all she does is child birth. She doesn't do infertility or surgery or high-risk pregnancies. She focuses completely on the home birth experience. Between she and I, we will have all the supplies. She brings the tub. She brings the oxygen. She brings the materials needed to clean up and to resuscitate if necessary. She brings at least two other assistants or apprentices with her. She is trained in the art of pain relief, hypnobirthing, massage, essential oils, homeopathic remedies, and the anatomy of the woman's body. She is prepared for emergencies (except the surgery) and will not do anything stupid. if I need to transport to the hospital? She will do it. But she will know BEFORE the emergency happens that I'll probably need a transport. She won't put my life in danger over a lifestyle or an experience.

3. Home birth is statistically safer than hospital births. (Trust me. It is.) The reason we don't hear about the tragedies in hospitals but we DO hear about the tragedies at home is because when it's outside the hospital, it's a news story. In the hospital? The norm. The statistics are skewed based on sensationalism and societal prejudice over "going against the grain." However! One midwife, who has delivered nearly 1,000 home birth babies in Utah, has only had to go to the hospital for 2% of her patients, and they weren't for c-sections --they were for pain relief (requested epidurals). I could go on forever with the studies, the results, etc. but instead, I'll point this out:

There are women who have emergencies, who sincerely, desperately, and gratefully are put into the hands of competent and kind doctors who have saved their lives and their babies' lives. We are lucky to have such medical care! But those are the exceptions. The majority of women are not high risk. They do not need medical intervention to labor and deliver a baby. What they have is not a disease. What they need, instead, is a relaxing environment, a strong support system, and a chance to let their bodies do what they were made to do.

So, I don't have a problem with the medical world intervening when it's necessary --I know of at least 4 of my friends who would, literally, be dead without it (ruptured uterus, fused pelvis, etc.). But they are still the exceptions, and I get upset when women are treated like the exceptions. Or are told they should be treated that way. Or EXPECT to be treated that way. The majority should never be treated as the exception --especially when the majority could actually be harmed by it.

There is actually a pattern that happens:
Woman goes into labor. She is strapped down to a bed with fetal monitors and contraction monitors and iv's sticking into her veins. She sits on the bed. Her labor is "slow", so they start her on pitocin. The pain gets intolerable (see pitocin) and she hasn't prepared for unmedicated childbirth because epidurals are handed out like candy. Or if she did prepare, she can't handle it (see pitocin) and the epidural is administered. She continues to labor on her back (the worst position to labor in, hands down). She pushes when they tell her to, but she can't feel it. Again, she's on her back --worst position to deliver in. She keeps pushing --no progress. Forceps come out. Fetal heart-rate starts to drop. She pushes and pushes and after a few hours, she's told that if she doesn't have a c-section, she will die. Her baby will die. Someone will die! She has a c-section. It's over. And the c-section was completely unnecessary. It's a snowball that begins with being strapped to the bed with monitors (and even though you can move around with the monitors, it's mentally being strapped down. Most women don't realize they can, or it's stressful to keep the dang things on!).

Again, this is not the true emergency. If it was, I wouldn't mock it. I'm not talking about ruptured uteruses or lack of heartbeats or fused pelvises or prolapsed cords. Those are real emergencies! This scenario is the majority of women being treated like the exceptions.

Now imagine, instead:
Woman goes into labor. She labors while walking, sitting, lying on her side. She labors in the bathtub (the water is a natural stress/pain reliever). She has no monitors or iv's --she doesn't have strangers coming in, poking and prodding, and making her sign waivers, and try to convince her to get the epidural. She labors slowly and works with her body. There is no time limit. Nobody is rushing her. She is prepared mentally and emotionally. She's learned to not fight the contractions, but to breathe and relax through them; to trust her body, to trust the process, to trust her baby. When the baby emerges, it's usually after 4 or 5 pushes. Each one is powerful because each one is felt. Is it easy? Of course not. It's LABOR. But it's easIER because of the environment and the preparation. The baby is then handed directly to her when she is born (or the woman herself pulls her child out). She can nurse right away. For nearly an hour or more, mother and baby bond. The baby is not whisked away to be measured and weighed within seconds. In fact, the cord is not even cut for a long period, making sure baby receives any nutrition left.

I've ALMOST had the second experience 3 times. ALMOST. But not quite. Because I was still strapped to monitors and iv's, and I was still lying in a bed.

Not anymore!

I know why people are nervous about my choice. It's because of the exceptions. It's because they were in the first illustration and they refuse to acknowledge that it could have turned out differently --because their doctors told them they would die. And doctors are gods to our society. Women aren't ready to believe that maybe there's another way to give birth. Because of the exceptions.

My awesome sister, whom I love and respect, had this conversation with me once:

Her: "I tense up too much. I need the epidural to calm me down so I can actually progress."
Me: "That makes sense. But, did you think that if you ever took the time to learn how to relax through the contractions and progression that maybe you could do it without the epidural?"
Her: "Yes. But I don't want to learn how to do that."

Fair, enough, dear reader. Fair enough. At least she knows there COULD be a different way. That she chooses not to learn it? Doesn't bother me. It's her choice. I respect it. Another friend:

"I've had babies without the epidural and with the epidural, and I prefer the epidural."

Again, fair enough.

I will not judge a woman for choosing different than me. I promise --no matter how this post sounds. It may sound like I'm judging, but I promise I'm not. I'm just trying to illustrate how I came to MY decision, and how all of these things have influenced me.

Me being frank: I didn't stumble upon these ideas. I truly had great friends who pointed out to me how my experiences could be different. I didn't listen right away, but I did tuck their knowledge and experience away, and when I was ready, I pulled it all out and applied it. And I'll be forever grateful to those friends, dear reader, who didn't worry about sounding "judgemental" --because they changed my life for the better.

All done. For now. :) Have a great weekend!

My Brain is All Over the Place

2011-11-03T17:18:00.006-06:00

What I love today:

*Reunions with long-lost cousins who weren't really lost, just living a similar busy life.

*Long phone calls with my international life-long friend (literally. We've known each other since her birth; I'm 2 1/2 months older) and my national glad-we-found-each-other-even-if-it-was-via-cyberspace new life-long friend.

*Nice people.

*Furnace companies who get everything replaced and inspected and cleaned for less than 200 bucks.

*Jewelry insurance (I just noticed my wedding ring, and one of my diamonds is missing! It's a small one --not the solitaire --but still...).

*The author Connie Willis.

*Brandon's homemade salsa.

What I don't love today:

*Rowdy neighborhood boys to remind me that I will have a life full of rowdy neighborhood boys. Note to self: Learn to deal.

*A screaming toddler.

*Play dough --the cause of the screaming toddler. Because I wouldn't let him play with it near the carpet. Or downstairs. Or allow him to eat it.

*Giving up my nap for the rowdy neighborhood boys.

*Coming up with something to fix for dinner (it's 5:47PM and I still don't know what to make).

Deep Thoughtage. Or Something:

1. I'm still surprised at people's reactions when I tell them I'm giving birth at home. It's never the same. I've been accused of wanting to kill my child and myself, I've been met with surprise and interest, I've been told I'm brave and special and courageous and strong, I've been pleasantly happy to meet other homebirthers. Irony: the people who know me and understand me and love me the most are the most worried. I find this offensive, because if they knew me, they would know I'm intelligent and do my research. They should be the ones to have faith in me and my decisions. But then again, I am greeted with the most dismissive hostility from people who don't know me at all. So. Whatever.

I'm also surprised how much I don't talk about it anymore. I've come to some conclusions: A. I realize it's not my mission in life to convince other people to make that decision. I'm here if they need information or would like to know why we've chosen home birth, but I'm not going to be a vigilante for something someone may not be interested in. And B. I don't really care about their opinions about me, my body, my baby, my husband, my homebirth choice. They didn't go on my journey with me; they don't know of my experiences. Why would they understand? I'm confident in my decision. So is Brandon. That's all that matters.

2. I want Mitt Romney to win (and I wanted Cain as his VP, but not now), but I don't want to donate to Romney anymore. I've done my share. My next share will be voting for him in the primary. Stop asking me for money! Just because I donated in the past doesn't mean I can afford to donate now. Sheesh.

3. It seems that I'm only of a few who still lie to my children about Santa Claus. Interesting.

4. I will have a daughter in Young Women's in 18 months. I hear it's all a roller-coaster speeding down the track after that --is it okay I feel ready? Weird, but ready? Not scared?

5. I think too randomly now-a-days. What in the world could you comment on in this post, dear reader? You could talk about your teenager growing up too fast, or about how you don't lie about Santa Claus, or how I'm going to kill myself and my child for giving birth at home (in the water, GASP!), or maybe you could talk about how your furnace guy charged you at LEAST 200 bucks!

Or not. I'm okay, either way.

P.S. How I feel about Christmas stuff before Thanksgiving:

By Small and Simple Things...

2011-11-02T10:04:00.012-06:00

Well, dear reader, it's that time of year when we start thinking about what we're grateful for and we begin the season of giving! What better time than to help out some people who really need a boost to give them financial safety and security for their family?

Behold! I give you LDS Business College Single Parent Scholarships!

[Side note: I think we all personally know a single parent --women, usually --who are thrown into a situation where they must become not only the lone parent, but also the lone breadwinner. How many of us see these women trying and struggling to make it through school, while taking care of their houses, bills, children, etc.? Trust me when I say that this is a chance to help out those women (and men, if needed) gain the education needed to be those breadwinners --without the stress of having to pay for school.]

What is it?

During the month of November, bloggers are uniting to help single parents. We can help bring hope with our goal to raise money for as many single parents’ scholarships as we can. At LDS Business College, each semester costs $1,800 or $3,600 a year, or $7,200 for a full two year degree. There are 45 single parents currently in need. We can make a difference! Please choose to give and spread the word!

Why single parents?

• 28 percent of children now live with just one parent.
• 40% of children under 18 experience a parental breakup.
• 90% of single parent families are headed by females.
• Single moms with children have the highest poverty rates.
• 60% of children living in mother-only families are impoverished.
• Single moms are more likely to be poor because of lower earning capacity.
• Single moms median income is only about 25% what a married couple make.

Why LDS Business College?

LDS Business College has developed an approach to help single parents, especially women, improve their earning potential. Single parents at LDSBC use scholarship funds to pay tuition, books and other fees. Students enroll in one of six career-oriented programs: accounting, business, computers, medical careers, interior design, or office technology.
In recent years, LDSBC has placed 90% of its graduates. In addition, each student is assigned a faculty mentor.

Dear reader, please take the time to watch Megan's story below and donate whatever you can to help out other single parents like her! Just a small donation will go a long way. And please, if you can, spread the word via Facebook and your blog. Every effort helps!

CLICK HERE TO DONATE ONLINE

Halloween Aftermath and Stuff

2011-11-01T11:57:00.014-06:00

What do you get when you have:

1 messy, cluttered, dirty, disgusting house
1 over-turned garbage can
1 yard full of wet, wet, wet, leaves covering the entire front yard, sidewalk, driveway, and half the porch
5 rotting pumpkins on the porch
5 kids on a sugar crash (and begging for more)
1 pregnancy creating a restless night's sleep
2 boys obsessed with watching The Power Rangers (sigh)
12 loads of laundry
and
1 exhausted momma?

Oh, just my life. That's all.
--------------------------
Halloween:
The good: Perfect weather. Great costumes. Lots of fun. Happy kids.

The bad: Too much candy. Grumpy parents. Disobedient kids.

The ugly: Turned off the porch light because we were out of candy. We had finally gotten the kids to go to bed. Grumpy parents were exhausted. Needed to rest. But just as I finally convinced the kids to settle down, the doorbell rang. I was not happy. On my porch were about 8 teenagers and they all yelled "trick-or-treat!!"
Did I politely tell them we were out of candy?
Nope.
I regret to say that I was angry and annoyed and frustrated and took it out on these poor kids. I said, rudely, "Guys, we're out of candy! That's why the porch light is OFF, okay!?" And slammed the door before they could finish apologizing.

Do I regret my actions? You betcha. It was petty and rude. Sigh.
-------------------------------

Brandon, btw, is on the Board of Directors at Spectrum Academy in SLC. Today, a very special person is going to visit the school --Temple Grandin. Don't know who that is? Well, last night we watched the movie, Temple Grandin, and learned all about her. Go here to learn more about her life (long story short, she was lucky enough to be born to a family that refused to institutionalize her when her Autsim was discovered back in the 50's; she went onto college (Masters, PhD) and is an advocate for autism awareness. She's amazing!). Claire Danes played Temple in the movie and I was blown away by her performance. I seriously had to remind myself that it was CLAIRE DANES and not Temple. If you get a chance to watch it, do! it's such an incredible story. Be prepared to cry, though, especially if you have a child or know a child with Autism or Asperger's or (in our case), 4S. In fact, anyone who has a child who suffers from being "different but not less" will love this movie! It's not preachy (well, there's one point at the end, but they had to wrap the story up), and the characters are great.
----------------------------------

Speaking of last night --GO VOCAL POINT!! I'm so proud of those guys! They are now in the Top Six in The Sing Off. If you didn't already know, my cousin, Robert, is the bass for Vocal Point, so we've been watching it faithfully. I'm so proud of him! It's great to see their amazing talent recognized --especially since they are so clean-cut and refuse to sing songs that couldn't represent BYU and the Church. Love them!
--------------------------------

The toddler is now asleep. I need to go and clean! Au Revoir, dear reader. Have a fantastic, rainy, pot-of-soup-and-fireplace Tuesday, okay?

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby. ~Langston Hughes

Happy Halloween 2011!

2011-10-31T08:39:00.005-06:00

I saw this quote at Clover Lane today:

Childhood is the world of miracle or of magic.
It is as if creation rose luminously out of the night,
all new and fresh and astonishing.
Childhood is over the moment
things are no longer astonishing.
~Eugene Ionesc

Isn't that great? I think that's why I allow Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Halloween, and the exploration of the backyard until every rock is overturned and every corner is uncovered. Sure, it's more work for me. Yes, there are parents out there who believe I'm ruining my children for life by LYING to them (whatever), but I don't care. I had those things, and my childhood was full of magic and miracles, too.

The crazy kids are all dressed up for the festivities today. I haven't taken pictures, yet --I will tonight for the Trunk-or-Treat --but their costumes are:

#5: A pirate. A cute pirate. I will use mascara and paint a beard/mustache on him, much like I did four years ago on #3.
#4: Captain Rex, clone trooper extraordinaire! Complete with a blaster. That he got for Christmas last year. Don't you love it when you can recycle costumes and toys??
#3: Darth Vader. We found the outfit/suit and the mask (fantastic, high-quality one!) at D.I. for a steal. And then with the help from a friend (because I'm sewing impaired), I changed the Dracula cape to a Darth Vader cape (we just covered the red material with black material).
#2: She wanted to be scary. Her words: "The boys at school are always scary and the girls are always cutesy --I'm going to prove to them that girls can be scary!" So, she's a Zombie Skeleton. Or Skeleton Zombie. Whichever. All it took was some crazy hair, white and black make-up, some red make-up (blood) around the mouth, and a skeleton looking black outfit with a shredded lab coat over the top. Trust me --she looks good.
#1: A witch. She used my hat from last year and we got a great cloak (velvet) and a dress (medieval black). We painted her face green, and she had the nose and chin I used last year, too. Couple that with her Harry Potter wand and a cool broom I found at Target, and she's the real thing!

I'm going as a hippy. Easy-peasy (shirt, hair, peace sign on face).
Brandon is wearing his Letterman jacket. Circa 1994, baby! (year he graduated from High School). How much you wanna bet the kids will think he's soooooo old?

I still haven't bought candy. I tried to buy toys/Halloween pencils, etc. but it was definitely not in my budget to buy that many supplies. Candy just might be cheaper. We'll see. I have until tonight to get something --if the stores haven't all been sold out. Curse my principles! And my Halloween Procrastination...

So, did your kids dress up? As what? Do you dress up for Halloween?

Friday. Friday. Friday. Say It Too Much and It Sounds Weird...Friday...

2011-10-28T09:35:00.008-06:00

I always procrastinate Halloween. I'm not sure why. I LIKE Halloween. I don't MIND Halloween. I honestly enjoy the holiday. But when it comes to prepping for the celebrations, I put it off. The kids have their costumes ready, though! Mostly. Kind of. We haven't gotten pumpkins, yet, but we'll probably do it tomorrow. What to pass out to trick-or-treaters? Meh.

Now Christmas, dear reader --that holiday has loads of prep and yet I'm NEVER behind on that one. Or Thanksgiving. Or Valentine's Day. Why is it Halloween that always gets my lack of preparation? I'll have to ponder some more...

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After 12 1/2 years, our microwave finally bit the dust. It was an inexpensive little thing we had gotten as a gift for our wedding, but it did it's job! Even when the panel went kaput and you couldn't see the numbers anymore it still cooked things. But a few days ago, #4 tried to heat something up and BAM! Lightening and smoke and all kinds of electrical scariness. And no, he wasn't cooking metal or anything like that.

We've always wanted an over-the-stove range, so Brandon did the research, shopped around, and found the best deal on one. Then my manly man installed it last night. It's amazing how different the kitchen looks --just small changes can make everything new.

The kids thought it was the coolest thing they ever saw (the new microwave, their dad installing it, me moving around other kitchen appliances because of the newly exposed counter space). I've decided that kids make the most boring things in life pretty awesome.

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There is a certain amount of joy that presents itself when you survey a newly cleaned laundry room. Or bathroom. Or kitchen. Especially when you chose to clean it, rather than ignore it some more...

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Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you - not because they are nice, but because you are. ~Author Unknown

Bitterness, grief, and anger taint our ability to sympathize, empathize, or even see with a charitable perspective. Small example and case in point:

Friend who desperately wants children (she is married) is not offended when I "complain" about my kids (it wasn't really complaining --just mentioning how hard mothering truly is --because it is hard!).
Another friend, who also desperately wants children (and a husband) chooses to be offended instead. Not maliciously --just states the obvious (that I should be grateful I even HAVE children).

Both want children. Both see them as a blessing. Both understand the desire, the need, the joy of mothering. But one chose to laugh with me (commiserate?) and one chose to see me as ungrateful.

Here's the thing, though --I'm not upset by the single friend's choice to be upset with me. I was at first. I actually had to stop and think about my reaction. In fact, another friend told me I was a little too nice to her in my response --which is probably a good indication of how we should all check our knee-jerk responses, you know? But I understand how my single friend feels. I get it. She's having a really difficult time right now --why would I add to that? And, if I'm being completely honest, she had a very valid point. I SHOULD be grateful. She reminded me that I AM.

I've decided that I am going to try harder not to find offense when other people react in pain. It isn't fair to them, nor does it do anything for me. This will not be an easy task, but I'm gonna do my best. Wanna join me?

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During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. "Absolutely," the professor said. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. ~Joann C. Jones

Milestones or Millstones?

2011-10-25T10:45:00.000-06:00

Let’s be honest; it’s rather easy to be busy. We all can think up a list of tasks that will overwhelm our schedules. Some might even think that their self-worth depends on the length of their to-do list. They flood the open spaces in their time with lists of meetings and minutia—even during times of stress and fatigue. Because they unnecessarily complicate their lives, they often feel increased frustration, diminished joy, and too little sense of meaning in their lives.
It is said that any virtue when taken to an extreme can become a vice. Overscheduling our days would certainly qualify for this. There comes a point where milestones can become millstones and ambitions, albatrosses around our necks.

~President Dieter F. Uchtdorf

When I was in high school, I thrived on being busy. Thrived. I was a good student. I worked after school in a dental office. I took piano lessons and voice lessons. By my senior year, I was taking 5 AP classes, was the drum major of the marching band, attended seminary (release time --wasn't that hard), accompanied 3 choirs, was involved in jazz band (pianist), symphonic band (percussionist), percussion ensemble, S.A.D.D., Tri-Hi-Y (youth government; female club --we had too many interested, so we divided it by gender), drama club, and National Honors Society. I competed in piano competitions (okay, just one or two), was the Laurel President in my church (16-18 yr old girls), accompanied the Ward Choir, was the Ward Organist for Sacrament Meeting, and graduated from High School with a 3.75 GPA. I also hung out with friends, dated, did service projects, managed to attend Young Women's every week, and went to Church religiously (get it? Religiously? Hahaha...sigh). And during solo and ensemble festival for choir and/or band? I usually would accompany 20-30 students on their solos, not to mention prepping and preparing my own (my senior year, I also sang a duet with my brother at one).

I did not burn out. I seriously and literally thrived. I found joy in everything I did and in everything I accomplished.

But that was a long time ago.

In college, I figured I could do the same. But as most of us learn in college, classes are a bit harder. We also are "alone" at college --mom wasn't there to make my meals or buy my cereal or help with my laundry or take my phone messages. I suddenly faced a world where I didn't have time to thrive in the business of my previous life --I had bills to pay, a budget to follow, food to buy/prep, laundry to do, and I alone was responsible for my schedule and classes.

Frankly, dear reader, it was awesome for me. And in all honesty, unlike most of my fellow college colleagues, I was prepared pretty well for the single college life. My parents had already taught me how to cook (although I wasn't --and am still not --very good at it), do laundry, clean bathrooms, and balance a checkbook. I already knew how to balance a busy schedule from my high school experience. The only thing that truly shocked me, I think, were the temptations for late nights and the difficulty of college courses. But I survived.

As a young, married college student, I continued to live "in the busy" --quite often, I would find myself adding to my schedule. I hosted every single multi-level marketing party known to Mormon women (Mary kay, Pampered Chef, Stampin' Up --to name a few). I planned girl's nights out. I was a STELLAR visiting teacher. Brandon and I were great at volunteering for service projects. And throughout it all, we served in callings, worked 20-30 hours a week in our respective jobs, and went to school full time.

This is getting too long, so let me fast forward --I had kids. Things changed. My thriving in the busy started a downward spiral that left me feeling completely depleted --exactly like what Pres. Uchtdorf was talking about. My "busy-ness" became a millstone.

Almost two years ago, I was supporting my husband through graduate school (while he also worked full time). I had 17 piano students. I was an editor for Mormon Women. I was a online marketing strategist and writer for Avenia Bridal. I had five children (the most recent had just been born). I had two callings in our ward (choir accompanist and newsletter editor). I blogged like a mad woman. I accompanied the elementary school choir. I tried to be a good visiting teacher. I tried to be a good friend.

I quickly wore out. Burned out. Plain and simple, I was drowning. My Depression took over and reared it's ugly, ravenous head --I naively believed that my Depression would just go away on it's own if I ignored it and stayed busy. I was, literally, dying inside. But guess what stopped me from, well, stopping? Personal glory, plain and simple. That high school girl who did everything? Her worth was dependent on her talents --her presence and talents being NEEDED by others. Social validation. Peer-induced acceptance.

It was quite humbling to realize that my worth was not --and should not --be dependent on those things. It took a lot of courage and humility to just stop. To re-prioritize. To say no.

Fast forward again: I no longer teach piano lessons. I no longer edit for Mormon Women (just occasionally contribute). I no longer work for Avenia Bridal. I asked the Bishop to reconsider my callings (he ended up releasing me from one, although I currently have two again, but it's easier now). I focused on myself and my family. I focused on my health (depression, exercise, eating). I focused on my children.

This morning, I looked at my schedule for the week: Besides kid stuff, I don't have much going on. There's the normal household things (laundry, floors, dishes, clutter) and that's about it. Honestly. That's all.

And I'm HAPPY about it. Content. I can breathe!

This morning, I've already read two books to #5 and we've watched Blue's Clues together while I've typed this up. I think I'll pick up the living room and maybe sweep the floor before lunch. I should set up some visiting teaching appointments and figure out what we'll have for dinner. And I might read some of the novel I just started ("To Say Nothing of The Dog" by Connie Willis) and take a look at the Sunday School lesson I have to teach in a few weeks.

Good, Better, Best. Simplifying. Priorities. I find it funny that it's taken me 13 years or so to figure this all out (since marrying), but that's okay. The most important things in our life sometimes take a long time to sink in. That's just mortality!

And even though this really applies to me because of motherhood (I'm not JUST a mom --I AM a mom. The most important thing I'll ever do in my life. The greatest blessing I've ever known --the hardest thing I've ever had to do) --it applies to all people in all situations, really. Are you a husband? Father? Wife? Sister? Friend? College student? There are priorities lurking in your life, too. You just have to figure them out.

Quick Side Story:
My friend had five kids, and like me was busy. She ended up in a severe accident where she shattered several bones in her face --she had to literally do NOTHING for weeks on end --just heal. She found the only things she could do were: playing in the sandbox with her small children for hours. Reading books with them. Playing board games with them. This experience changed her life forever; her priorities, her aversion to slowing down, everything. Her only regret? She was forced to slow down. Forced physically. Why didn't she listen earlier? Ah, there's the rub. I don't think a lot of us listen earlier. We usually have to learn the hard way (see my entire experience above).

How have you simplified your life? How did you do it?

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
~ Lin Yutang

Post #1, 308

2011-10-24T13:36:00.002-06:00

Why, howdy! It's been a few days since I've written anything. I was sick. Blah. But it's okay, because Brandon was around (his new job means way fewer hours) and he was amazing. Don't tell anyone, but I think he likes me! ;)

And now he's sick. But I've decided it's got to be easier being the sick hubby rather than the sick wife. Because even though he helped out so much while I was recovering, I still had to watch all the kids all day long while he was at work. I didn't get to sleep all day --he kind of does. You know? But I guess that's good. He'll recover quicker.
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Current worries:

*#5's inability to pronounce basic words. I think he has a consonant problem. Of course, he's only 2 yrs and 3 months --so I'm not panicking, yet, but still... it's a little nag in the back of my mind... plus he screams all the time because he won't talk. Speech therapy may very well be in his future. *shrug

*#3. Everything about him. Pretty much.

I think that's it. I'm sure there's more, but I'm kind of liking my pregnancy brain right now --I forget to worry about stuff. It's nice.

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Speaking of pregnancy, I have no idea what to name this child. Our other three boys have Bible names (Mark, James, Nathan --not in that order) and family names as middle names (Moroni, Wade, Henry --again, not in that order, or even in the same order as the first names I just typed, etc. etc. whatever). So, I'm kind of thinking a Bible name of some kind (Old or New Testament) would be nice for this little guy coming our way. I can figure out the middle name easily (family names are fun!), but Brandon and I are both having a heck of time coming up with something. Okay --I'M having a heck of a time. Brandon just vetoes the names he hates.

So, dear reader, could you help out? Give me some good Boy Bible names that I could mull over. I would be most obliged.

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I love Church. I love going every week. I don't necessarily learn something awesome/new every time, but I sure am reminded of awesome stuff. Plus, the Holy Ghost is always there. Always.

We're changing ward boundaries within our stake next week --we just found out yesterday. However, our ward is lucky --we are only gaining people, not losing any. Kind of fun, eh?

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I had the weirdest dream last night:

I was at church and I had been asked to play the piano for a musical number. Except I forgot the music. I walked up to the piano and figured I would remember a piece I did a long time ago, no problem, but not even halfway through, I forgot it, so I paused to look through the bench at the Church for my music. Boy, was that bench messy! But I couldn't find my music, and the Bishop was saying something about having to wait for me, and the crowd was getting restless (and starting to boo) and my family was there --and Brandon finally went home and got my music and brought it back and threw it at me. I started over and got to play it, but half way through, the crowd was still restless (see how I call the congregation a 'crowd'? That's because they weren't very reverent) and then Brandon stood up, walked near to where the piano was, and yelled at me: "Next time, I'm going to invite my sister to spend the week with us and you can't have anything to do with her!" And when I woke up, I couldn't figure out why Brandon was such a jerk. Until I realized it was a dream.

Have any weird dreams lately?

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On my list:
*Buy pumpkins
*Carve pumpkins
*Finish Halloween costumes (no, I don't sew. I'm talking about making sure we have all the parts. That's about it).
*Figure out what to pass out for Halloween. Because I hate candy. Any ideas?

Marriage, Jobs, Midwife, Changes That Can Literally Save Your Life

2011-10-19T13:18:00.000-06:00

We left Friday afternoon and pulled into Aspen Grove Family Camp a few hours before dinnertime. Just Brandon and me!

We stayed in a rustic cabin (#2, to be precise), and we filled up the hours before dinner with Foosball, pool, air hockey, horseshoes, and a short hike. We found the "Love Shack," too! It had been moved from the staff living area to a new paintball "arena" up above the family lodges (those who worked with us or who have been there will know what I'm talking about). We laughed and Brandon took a picture (we lived in the Love Shack for two summers --8 months total --while we worked at Aspen Grove. Honesty? #1 was conceived there! Whoo-hoo!).

The next two days were a blur. We enjoyed more outdoor fun (I basically watched Brandon do the ropes course) and several lectures given by Doulgas Brinley, a professor at BYU (among other things --he and his wife just recently returned from serving a mission in Hawaii). He spent the bulk of his time teaching us the doctrine about marriage, and let me tell you, dear reader, it was deep. It was intense. It was AWESOME. He covered so much ground and talked, in depth, about so much gospel doctrine that I was literally soaring (and spiritually exhausted) after each session. Of course, he focused the last few sessions on practical/tangible ways to improve marriage, but here's the gist of everything:

1. We have Heavenly Parents. They are married. They have had spirit children (us).
2. Until we received our bodies, we could not marry or conceive children. Now we can. This is the first time ANY of us have been married.
3. If we are sealed and rock it here, our marriage will endure forever, and like our Heavenly Parents, we will be able to have all those billions of spirit kids. But we can't make it without the other person (spouse). We need each other.
4. We need to view our spouses in that light --as our eternal companion. As our co-parent. Our co-creator.
5. Perspective and "doctrine understood" will change hearts, and thereby marriages, and thereby, lives.
6. Three types of communication: Superficial, personal, validating. How we communicate to our spouses shows us what's right and wrong in the relationship --we don't need to "learn" how to communicate better (you somehow fooled that guy into marrying you, right?) --we need to change our hearts. If we focus entirely on superficial conversation in our marriage (weather, sports, yard work, kids' schedules), than something is missing --someone is scared to be vulnerable, someone is abusing, someone is holding back, there might be hatred, bitterness, selfishness, etc. Very few people get our "validating" communication --but the most important person to receive it should be our spouses.

I didn't even scratch the surface, dear reader! If you ever get the chance to sit and listen to Dr. Brinley speak --do it. But don't be surprised or shocked at his deliberate and unapologetic delivery. He tells it like it is --and it is fantastic.

After our awesome Aspen Grove adventure, we checked out and drove up past Oakley (Utah, not Idaho) to spend the night at a work retreat for Brandon's new job.
[Yep, Brandon has a new job. It's more in the consulting stage right now, but sufficeth to say, we are very happy about it, we're not moving, and the potential for growth is outstanding.]
We hung out at the cabin that was used for the retreat with several other couples (the owners, etc.) --and it was wonderful. Do you know how well I sleep when there are no children around? Do you? I'm sure you do. It was sooooo nice....

And the autumn colors? I about died at their beauty. "Gorgeous" doesn't even do the mountains/trees/colors/serenity justice.

And now, life is back. Just as quickly as we left, we came back, and we are here.
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I'm facing some different challenges now. It's not that awesome, but it's not that unfamiliar. Neither is it as upsetting as I thought it would be. I don't want to get into details, but since it's affecting me a great deal, I'll just say, for now, that it does have to do with our employment change and reevaluating our finances. That is all.
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I had a midwife appointment yesterday and guess what? I'm not quite 22 weeks, but I'm measuring 29 weeks. If I had been going to an OB or a "med" wife, I would be having an ultrasound ASAP to figure out why. But I don't. I have a rational midwife, who listened to me explain why I'm measuring so big (I always, always do) and listening to our hearts, we know that everything is fine. Now don't get all "haha! Listening to their hearts!" on me --because I'm so tired of the medical world thinking that they know everything. I was overJOYED that my midwife believed me! Nobody else ever believed me about my pregnancies --not my doctors, not my midwives, not the maternal-fetal-medicine people --nobody. Even after I proved them all wrong (and myself right ) over and over and over. But Sherri (my midwife) believes me! It's so refreshing. And peaceful --peaceful to know that I'm not crazy, that I know my own body (hello!? Seventh pregnancy, sixth baby!?), and that she is confidant in her skills as a midwife.

But my iron is low. I cringed when she told me, because I abhor those awful iron supplements (constipation, man. Yuck). This is my "prescription" from her:
*Yellow dock (herbal supplement) --everyday
*Wheatgrass juice (8 oz) fresh --everyday
*2 TBSP black-strap molasses --everyday
*Beet, carrot, celery smoothie (about 8 oz) at least every other day

The beets and molasses will help my low blood pressure and my iron deficiency. The wheat grass helps build up the blood, too. The yellow dock helps with digestion.

Can I tell you how much I love this!? Why didn't I do this with my first five children!?
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It's Fall Break in Utah tomorrow. And Friday. No school means... organizing the house some more? Yeah, probably. The kids might not like it, so I'll have to throw in some park visits or something to break up the despair.
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I can't name names here, but I have an awesome friend who has just had a super shock. She went to the doctor and she is not doing well --if she doesn't change her diet and exercise and get herself in gear, we're talking about potential death, here.

It's actually more common than people realize. And since I love this woman, but I realize other people may need to hear this, too, I'm going to post some ideas she can implement immediately that will help her in ways she can't even begin to imagine until she tries them (and you, too, dear reader!):

*Walk briskly for 45 minutes, four times a week.
*Drink 32 oz of green smoothies EVERY DAY (break it up if 32 oz is too much in one sitting. Go to www.greensmoothiegirl.com for more details).
*Eliminate as much animal product as possible ASAP. Especially milk (drink almond milk or water), beef, chicken, pork, and cheese (if you're gonna keep a dairy, just eat a small amount of Kefir or Greek yogurt).
*Anything processed (man made) should be thrown out immediately. Biggest problems: soy-based products, corn syrup (of any kind), preservatives, fake sweeteners (aspartame, etc.), and dyes.
*Spend the bulk of your time shopping in the produce section. Vegweb.com has AMAZING vegan and vegetarian recipes (please ignore the use of vegan mayo, butter, etc. --these "fake" foods don't really give you any nutrition. They're just plant based instead of animal based).
*No more white rice, white flour, white pasta, etc. Go for whole wheat and try new grains --quinoa, aduki beans, pearled barley, oats, etc.
*If you HAVE to buy dairy or meat, PLEASE buy organic, non-hormone, range-free, etc. Adding pesticides to your food just makes a bad thing worse.
*Take all your old recipes and tweak them. It's VERY possible to do. I promise.
*Water, water, water, water, water. Don't even THINK about drinking soda (unless it's kombucha!) or sports drinks or caffeine drinks or sugar drinks or juice or...
*Download the app BodyFate on your phone --it's awesome! Great strength training for anyone with just a few minutes a day. Try to do it three times a week if you can.
*Seriously, consider some low impact yoga. Meditation. Extra time reading your scriptures/praying.

The GOAL: Health. Life. Vibrancy. Courage. Peace. NO FEAR. I promise you, if you do these things, you will get off of your meds (not you, dear reader, my friend! This is specific for her!) and you will heal yourself faster than you ever even imagined. It's not necessarily about weight loss --it's about cleaning out your blood, your kidneys, your liver, your intestines, your heart, and your mind.

In July, I stopped eating this way. I didn't completely stop, but I wasn't very vigilant. I figured it was okay. I ate what I craved --and craving pregnant women know those cravings are real! But guess what happened? YEP! Asthma got worse. Exhaustion got worse. Energy gone. I've been blaming it on the pregnancy, but here's something interesting:
In the last two days, I've had a green smoothie, veggie based meals (we started Bountiful Baskets --FINALLY!), and have been doing more housework (i.e. exercise).
Guess who's not tired right now? Probably won't even have a nap? My asthma is still not doing well --but I'm going to put that to the test over this next week, too.

Anyways, my point: We really are what we eat. Fill your body with awesome plant nutrition, and you will feel awesome. I promise. I keep testing it (mostly on accident), and it's always true. Always. Always.

Love you, dear friend! If you have questions, be sure to call! (you too, dear reader. Or write. Whatever). :)

Lots of Sighing Today

2011-10-14T08:48:00.001-06:00

Crying, typing rude responses to well-meaning friends on FB, reading novels and assuming my life isn't as good --welcome to hormone city, dear reader!

Sigh.

New subject. We had book club the other night --our new book for the month is "The Princess Bride." How fun is that? I haven't read it since high school, but I adored it back then. William Goldman is truly a genius of a man. Did you know he won Oscars for his screenplays "All the President's Men" and "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" ?? Anyway, for those who haven't read "The Princess Bride" and have only seen the movie, you have to understand something --William Goldman wrote it with the farce that he was abridging it for someone who wrote the original story and truly convinces the reader that Florin and Guilder are real places.

This confused the heck out of most of my book club buddies.

They're just not used to such elaborate literary tongue-in-cheek jokes, dear reader. I'm not sure if it's their lack of experience in the sarcastic arts or if it's their ages (I'm one of the youngest --only two of us are in our 30's, one in our 40's, several in their late 50's and 60's, and one is 87!), although this book was written in the 1970's, but still --they just didn't get it. I tried to be really kind about it (I didn't even pick the book), but I still don't think they are understanding it, because we all received an email from one asking if we were supposed to find the "real, complete work by Morgenstern." I wrote back quickly to kindly tell her about the joke and I laughed and laughed. I really can't blame her --how are people supposed to know?? The only reason I know is because A. I read it in high school and we analyzed it to death and B. I'm just into that kind of satire.

I wonder if people think Jon Stewart is just an incompetent news reporter. Hmmm....

Confessions:

*I was very productive last week, but this week, I've done pretty much nothing. And Brandon and I are leaving today for a few days --we won a Marriage Retreat at Aspen Grove Family Camp at our Aspen Grove reunion in August! Huzzah! I hope the babysitter doesn't think I'm TOTALLY useless as a mother/housewife.

*I bought that old LDS "Pride and Prejudice" movie (I guess it's not THAT old --2003) because I loaned out my copy years ago and haven't seen it since. I love that movie and version. Why? I really am not sure. I just do. It's a guilty pleasure.

*I have two children who lie. A lot. A lot, lot. In fact, it freaks me out. A LOT. One of them tends to be worse than the other, and so we came up with a way to try to establish a habit of honesty --every time this child tells the truth, they get to move forward one step (think of a chart). But every time this child lies (steals, is dishonest in any way), they have to move back TWO steps. Once they get to 50 steps, we have a reward. Right now? As of last night? This child is at negative 4. Sigh. I tried to explain how lying will destroy lives --how it does destroy lives, and WHY we should be honest, and I truly think it's helping --I can see them trying hard. But then this morning, the OTHER child who tends to lie whipped out their homework from last night to finish quickly --after having told me last night that it was finished. MORE SIGHING.

*Winter is coming. Not that you didn't know, but this particular winter is scaring the crud out of me. I don't do well in the winter. I don't do well in the winter while pregnant, either. I'm glad we have so many holidays to look forward to and to keep us busy. I can't imagine the dreariness without it!

Quotes I need for today:

You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time. ~Pat Schroeder

Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. ~Benjamin Franklin

Faith is courage; it is creative while despair is always destructive. ~David S. Muzzey

Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere. ~Glenn Turner

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it. ~John Newton

Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel. ~Author Unknown

The Purging Miracle

2011-10-12T13:16:00.007-06:00

*I'm on a writing binge today, dear reader. Thanks for reading, anyway!

Imagine, if you will, a basement. In this basement (finished) there are two bedrooms (one guest, one office), a jack-and-jill bathroom, a playroom which is attached to a family room (only separate by a counter/bar/shelf thingy), a furnace room, and a small under-the-stairs storage room (unfinished, but with awesome shelving to the ceiling!). Now imagine, dear reader, that this basement had been ignored by the parental units of the household. The toys were strewn all over throughout every room (except the storage and furnace rooms); all bedding, electronics, books, papers, movies, etc. --everything was strewn all over the basement. Nothing had been filed in the office for 3 years. The parental units, especially the female part of the duo, had ignored this basement for five months (or so). The kids no longer played down there and were embarrassed for their friends to see it. The female parental unit had been exhausted --quite literally --because of her pregnancy. So, she ignored. And ignored. And it festered.

The emotional toll such chaos had on her mind and soul was unbelievable. She felt nothing but stress and exhaustion and more stress and more exhaustion. But she couldn't face it. It was too big of a job. She knew if she started to tackle it before she could REALLY tackle it, nothing would get done --it would go back to the way it was.

Some blamed her kids. "Just make them clean it up!" But it was too far past that. There was major purging that had to be done. It was organization overload (or lack-of-organization overload) and she simply could not force her children to figure out what should be donated or thrown out or fixed or put away. This was HER problem. SHE had to fix it. Because, dear reader, she was/is the CEO of the household. Her responsibility to the peace of the home is incredibly high --and expected by all who live inside the home (including herself!).

And there is more. Much more. Because of the impending birth of another child, this basement needed to be transformed. The office needed to be moved upstairs. The guest room eradicated. The four oldest children needed to move down there into the bedrooms before the baby would be born. The upstairs would include the office and a "baby" room for the toddler and new infant. In a smallish home (5 rooms total) with six children, this was the next step. This had to happen. But not before the basement was purged! Organized! Clean!

So, time went on. Frustration continued to build. And then one day, she noticed she had more energy for things. Could it be the glorious second trimester?! She set aside a day that would begin the "organize the basement" week. That Monday came! She would do it!

But exhaustion won out that Monday. Nothing got done.

Tuesday was the day. She felt it. She HAD to start. She had to! At 19 weeks pregnant, time was starting to slip. If she didn't get going, the 3rd trimester and all it's impossible-to-move stages would occur. She didn't know how she was going to do it, she just knew she had to try.

And that's when the Miracle happened.

Her wonderful friend texted her. "I'm coming over to help you organize your basement. How does 9AM sound?"
After a back and forth, the female parental unit finally conceded that her friend could come over and help her.

And then she cried a little bit.

They spent two hours cleaning and purging. Those two hours gave our female heroine the kick in the pants she needed. For the next four days, she cleaned, organized, purged. She was relentless. The kids were happy to see the five bags and bunch of furniture going to Deseret Industries. Everyone was happy to watch the male parental unit do his job and purge the electronics/gadgets. When 5 large garbage bags were taken out and huge piles of recycling were thrown in the blue bin, there was much rejoicing.

That sweet friend? She went over to the house to help our heroine again two days later for two more hours, this time bearing gifts of organizational bins.

The basement, dear reader, is still not finished. The playroom, family room, guest room, bathroom, and furnace room are purged and clean. Only the office and storage room are left. It's still a work in progress, but it is coming! It's coming along!

What I have learned from this story:

*Sometimes, it's okay to let things go for a while.
*The Holy Ghost prompted my friend to call me after I was prompted to get started. If you notice, she didn't text me out of the blue on a day when I wasn't ready. He waited until I was ready, and then sent me some help.
*True service isn't lip-service. True service is just DOING something. I've had dozens of people offer to come help me (which I still really appreciate), but only one just came instead.
*Purging a disorganized house is therapy for the soul. As I organized, I felt so many emotional burdens holding me down lift off of my shoulders. Cleanliness truly is next to Godliness!

Thank you, Christina. You have no idea what you did for me last week! Or maybe you did. :)

Books. And Joy. And Timing and Stuff.

2011-10-12T10:17:00.001-06:00

I'm on a reading marathon now. I tend to go in waves --read a million books for weeks, read nothing for weeks. It's just how I roll with literature.

I just finished:
"Cranford" by Elizabeth Gaskell
"Unbroken" by Laura Hillenbrand
"Not My Type" by Melanie Jacobson
"The List" by Melanie Jacobson

on my list to read next:

"The Undaunted" by Gerald Lund
"Bitten" by Robert Smith
"Letters in the Jade Dragon Box" by Gale Sears
"To Say Nothing of The Dog" by Connie Willis
"A Study in Valor" by William T. Garner (which was our book club book this month, but I just got it yesterday and book club is tonight, so I probably won't get it read before book club...)

What I want to talk about:

Melanie Jacobson

I usually don't like to praise LDS romantic fiction to the sky because, frankly, it's not that awesome. I expect a lot from my book choices, and sometimes/usually/most of the time, LDS romance is way too fluffy/feel-good to fit the bill. For me. Now, I'm not saying there isn't a great place for the genre, nor am I saying I don't appreciate the cleanliness of LDS romance --however, I'm always a tad disappointed in the writing.

But not this time!

If I'm right (I could be wrong), those two books ("Not My Type" and "The List") are Melanie's only novels out right now. So, she's pretty new on the scene. But let me tell you, dear reader, I am Im.Pressed. Not only is a she a great story teller, but she is a fantastic writer! Her books were long enough to weave in and out of great characters and plot twists, including the great dilemmas of romance gone awry (or, basically, obstacles to true love). They were believable, and very entertaining. She's got some great wit about her (Melanie), and it shows. Loved these books. Can't wait for her next one!

Next thing I want to talk about:
"The List" is about a girl who has written a list of things she HAS to do before she gets married. Instead of talking about the book, I want to talk about the things a woman/wife/mother can do AFTER she gets married.

It is a lie, perpetuated by our society, fueled by satan, that a woman cannot do ANYTHING after marriage/babies except be a wife/mother and cook/clean/raise babies. Or, or, or, if she DOES get married, she must postpone children for decades in order to fulfill all her dreams. There are many other lies we women are fed, too, but I'm going to focus on this one, because the book is really good at talking about it very subtly.

I had a lot of plans my freshman year of college. I remember very clearly, that Spring of 1998, that I was going to do amazing things. I was going to do study abroad, serve a mission, major in music, get a Master's degree, move to England, etc. I had PLANS, dear reader. I didn't expect to meet my future husband in May of 1998. Or be married by January of 1999.

I was 19 years old, you know.

I found, very quickly, that my plans which changed drastically didn't automatically equate failure, though. No, I wouldn't be serving a mission. No, I had to cancel my study abroad (it was just Nauvoo, anyway). But I did try to major in music --with the support of my new husband. It didn't work out. Not my marriage's fault, though.

What I DO find interesting, however, is how pervasive this idea that men/women have to accomplish things before getting married or else they will never happen! EVER! Because it's simply not true. Do priorities change with marriage? Yes. Is it harder financially to fulfill dreams while married? Probably. But it's not impossible.

I know I've written about this before, but indulge me (again and again?). These are some of the things I've done since getting married:
*Flown on an airplane (seriously --for the first time when I was 20).
*Tried exotic foods and learned how much I love Indian and Thai food
*Traveled the world. Literally.
*Gone on 4 cruises (part of the traveling)
*Snorkeled
*Honed my writing skills (still a much needed work in progress)
*Graduated from college with a 3.5 GPA (which is a great GPA for me!)
*Worked in the mountains, worked as an accompanist (piano), taught piano lessons, worked in online marketing
*Owned a home/cars
*Gone parasailing
*Hiked mountains
*Tried boogie boarding
*Had one of my life-time dreams come true --going to England and seeing Jane Austen's home, Westminster Abbey, Stonehenge, and St. Paul's.

Not bad for a girl from a small Idahoan town, eh?

And yet --the biggest part of it is my family. I've done all this while having children, raising children, and being focused on children. I've done it all with my husband by my side, encouraging me along the way.

I have girlfriends who have, after marriage (and usually having children) finished college degrees, master's degrees, started up businesses, created non-profit businesses and charitable institutions. I've had friends who have traveled the world, ended up serving missions with their spouses, lived in different countries, found new talents (sewing, photography, cooking, music of all kinds --organ, guitar, singing, piano --art, writing, gardening, and midwifery), and have found creative ways to use those talents.

My point? Yes, as a mother/wife, you do give up some things. Yes, sometimes some things need to be postponed (missions, post graduate schooling, etc.), but not everything. When I think of all the things I've done with my eternal companion at my side, I'm grateful! So grateful that he is a part of those memories.

President James E. Faust once said:

Sequentially is a big word meaning to do things one at a time at different times. In the Book of Ecclesiastes, it says: "To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven" (Ecclesiastes 3:1). It seems that the new roles of women have not decreased their responsibility because, while the new roles are challenging, the old roles of wife and mother are in the soul and cry out to be satisfied. It is in the soul to want to love and be loved by a good man and to be able to respond to the God-given, deepest feelings of womanhood--those of being a mother and nurturer. Fortunately, women do not have to track a career like a man does. A woman may fit more than one career into the various seasons of life. She cannot sing all of the verses of her song at the same time.

I mean, if you think about it, it just MAKES SENSE. Women's bodies start to shut-down baby wise in their late 30's. So, why not have them (if they can) in their 20's? And then, when their kids are old enough, a woman can go back to school, start a career, etc. at 45 years old. Don't believe me? Ask the women who do it all the time. Ask the women who purposefully wait to have kids while they do their career and then find out they physically can no longer have children. That's pain, dear reader. Real pain.

[And yes, I'm very aware that women marry later --my friend got married at 37, became an automatic mother of pre-teens, and then preceded to have four children in five years. I know it can be done. Sometimes we don't have the choices. Sometimes, the career and such come BEFORE marriage/children --but it's when a woman refuses to entertain the idea of marriage/children until after she's "lived" that I'm talking about. It's not about the ones without choices. So, please don't rant at me that you married at age 40 and had twins or whatever. This isn't about you. Sorry.]

So, my advice? Don't postpone marriage/babies for the wrong reasons. Trying to fit in a lifetime of excitement and joy before "settling down" is not a good reason (in my opinion). Besides, the excitement and joy you get from having a spouse and children makes up for all of that stuff, anyway. I mean, have you ever had to experience stomach flu, a brand new baby (literally days old), and a flooded house all in the same week!? Now THAT'S excitement! The joy comes when everything is fixed, everyone is better, and you have those blissful moments of peace. Nothing compares, man. Nothing compares.

Okay, maybe Westminster Abbey...but still... :)

I Understand that Blog Lady Better Now

2011-10-11T15:10:00.004-06:00

*Please note: I know I'm lucky/blessed to be able to have children biologically. I know children are a gift from God. I know I'm one amazing lottery winner for having the chance to be a SAHM. But this post is ranting a bit about the harder side of those things. Because that's how I work through my feelings --by writing them down. Publicly. On a blog. Thank you for your patience and kindness.

Pregnancy hormones are driving me a little bonkers lately. The dreams have been pretty crazy, too (nothing remotely narrative to share, unfortunately). I'm getting to that "big" stage where it's obvious I'm pregnant, but now everything is harder. Bending over is a joke. Sleeping is no longer comfortable. I can't shave my legs easily any more (so I usually don't unless I have to). Indigestion comes on quicker and I have to pee at least 15 times a day. And I'm only 20 weeks!

I told a couple of older gentlemen in my ward yesterday (who asked if I was "ripe," yet --seriously, how rude is that? I blame their generation. They meant no harm; they were trying to be cheerful and kind, but it was NOT a cheery or kind remark) that I wasn't even close --I have 20 more weeks to go! They were shocked, of course. I grow fast. I grow very, very fast and then I sit there for weeks at the same size. That's my normal --after six pregnancies, I would know, right? Sigh.

Anyway, it's frustrating. This has been my most exhausting pregnancy --both physically, emotionally, and mentally. I have asked Heavenly Father if this is our last child, and He seemed to be okay with it. Brandon and I both feel peace about it. But then I had a dream two nights ago where I announced our seventh child. What the?? I'd like to assume it was just another crazy dream, so we're going with that for now.

I did the calculations: When #1 is a senior in high school, #2 will be a sophomore, #3 a freshman, #4 in 6th grade, #5 in 3rd grade, and #6 here will be in 1st grade. The idea of having younger kids, too just doesn't sit well with me.

We've been changing diapers for almost 11 years straight (with at least 3 more years ahead of us). We have maxed out the passenger seats in our van. We only have 5 bedrooms in our house --every child will share because we need an office/library/computer room. I'm already overwhelmed with the duties of being a mom to small children; the laundry alone kills me every week.

FUNNY STORY:
There once was a blogger who I thought was cool and hip, and then I realized we had NOTHING in common, and the longer I read her personal diatribes on her community blog (she was one of many, many writers), I was turned completely off. She whined all the time --ALL THE TIME --about whether or not she should be done having children and how her womb was envious of other women (she had two kids) and on and on and on...and all I could say was, "What's the big deal?! Why all the drama!? If you're done having kids, stop apologizing for it! Just be done! Move on! If you're not sure, pray about it, woman! Have another one! Stop pelting us with your excuses, justifications, reasons, etc.!"

It's funny now because I feel just shameful for judging her so harshly. Were my answers to her dilemma logical? Of course. But does logic always mean God will tell us the answers right away? Hmmm?

A few years back I was at my aunt and uncle's house. My cousin's wife was throwing a bridal shower for my other cousin's fiance. We were hanging out and my cousin's wife and I had this conversation with a friend of hers (I may have written about it before. I'm not sure. I can't remember anything now-a-days. Because of the pregnancy. You know):

Cousin's Wife: "I'm just not sure if I'm ready to have our third baby, yet, though." (she had her third a year ago, btw)
Me: "That's okay. When the time is right, you'll know."
Friend: "Which one is this for you?" (I was VERY pregnant)
Me: "My fifth. But it's probably not going to be our last."
F: "Whoa! That's a lot of kids!"
Me: "I really only wanted four."
F: "Then why in the world are you having more?!"
Me: "Because God told us to." Shrug.

Each one of these children were planned. My miscarriage? Not planned by me. More than four kids? Not planned by me. Two girls and four boys? Again --not planned by me. No twins? #2 and #3 18 months apart?

I see this pattern emerging in our bearing of children and it's this: We are willing to do what Heavenly Father wants us to do, whether or not it is convenient, coincides with our plans, or is easy.

And I think that's why wanting to be done having children SO BADLY right now is wreaking havoc on my brain and heart. This is why I wanted twins because it would be like God stamping His approval over our sacrifice and we would be DONE. Finished. Two at the end. 7 children in 11 years! Awesome! You rock! Your job is finished!

But it's not as simple as that. I need to apologize to that blogger and tell her I understand how she feels now. How she felt. Whatever.

The longer this pregnancy goes on, the more I keep thinking "I'm so glad I'm not doing this again. This has been so hard. I can't wait until I have control over my body again" and it's crazy, dear reader. I've never felt this way.

These are some of the questions that have plagued me for the last couple of months:
Is this really our last baby?
How will I know?
Is it fair to just decide to be done and hope God agrees because I really don't want to do this again?
How in the world am I going to raise these six kids!? I mean, I'm not alone (Brandon's amazing), but still, it's overwhelming.
Should I even be talking about this publicly? Who cares, right?

There you go. There are the thoughts I had on my couch while I read "Not My Type" by Melanie Jacobson (really FANTASTIC LDS romantic comedy, dear reader. Seriously top notch. I would recommend you read it!) all day today. ALL DAY. Sigh. Which is totally ironic, since the book has nothing to do with pregnancy or parenthood or whatever. Meh.

So, what the heck does this all mean for you, dear reader? Nothing, really. I told you, I'm just venting.

But my next post will be better. Written, subject matter, etc. You know. All the reasons the four of you flock to my blog in droves! HAHA! Oh, geez. I better get off before I start REALLY droning on incoherently...

And Baby Number Six is...

2011-10-08T15:01:00.002-06:00

...a baby! A human being! Huzzah!

Oh, you meant the gender?

Boy!

Four boys. Two girls and four boys. Isn't that awesome? Nuts? So fun?

#2 at the ultrasound to the awesome tech: "make it a girl, ok?" That girl cracks me up.

Both of my girls were pretty bummed. I wasn't surprised. But they'll be okay -- I'm grateful they have each other!

I had a dozen girl names ready. Figures, eh?

Oh, and baby looks great! Everything is there and working properly, so that's a relief. I'm thrilled to call the baby a "him" now, though. It creates this closer bond for me, you know?

Six kids. Man, where did the time go??